Do women tend to prefer girls?

[Greydore]

I'm asking this out of curiosity. Since joining I've noticed that there are WAY more TTC girl posts than TTC boy posts. Do you all prefer girls? Or is it that boys are easier to conceive so women may need more 'help' making a girl?

For me, I have two boys and my husband wants a girl. He would be happy either way, and so would I, but I think it would be fun to add a girl to the mix.

[Erin514]

Personally, I wanted a girl from the very beginning but I've only had boys. I was raised in a house full of girls (single mom and grandma, plus my only sibling is a girl), so I just felt like I wouldn't know what to do with a boy, lol. Obviously I love my sons and wouldn't change them now that they're here, but that was my thinking. Now I just feel like since I have two boys already I'd like my chance to have a mother-daughter relationship.

I'm sure everyone has different reasons, but I do think that overall in Western culture today there is a tendency to prefer girls. With greater equality of the sexes, girls are now seen as being all things (she could grow up to be President, but she will also care for me in my old age), whereas boys are still seen as less nurturing and more aggressive and especially less likely to be close with their parents as they grow up. I'm not saying this is true or fair at all, just that the average person is a lot more likely to hold some of these views.

Actually someone here (weeziewoozles maybe?) posted a link to a study about gender preference she'd participated in, and it was super interesting. You should try to find it and give it a read.

[Erin514]

Found it!
http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-swaying-general-discussion/54948-new-study-published-gender-disappointment.html?highlight=Study

[Greydore]

Thanks!

It's funny because I have a similar background to you- I grew up surrounded by girls. I'm 1 of 4 sisters, and have 8 girl cousins, no boy cousins. I wasn't sure what to do with a boy either, but I actually preferred boys. My sisters and I were difficult teenagers and my sister especially always butted heads with our mom. I really wanted that mother- son bond, and I'll admit I love how much my boys adore me. I also am happy that I have the opportunity to raise sensitive sons. My boys know it's okay to cry, they aren't pushed to be strong and tough all the time, we encourage whatever play they are drawn to whether it's dolls or cars, and I'm teaching them consent (i.e., no touching others without permission). Obviously things will get harder as they get older, but I hope basically to not raise future MRA's, haha.

Edited to add: I think people wish for a certain gender with some preconceived notions of what that gender will be. Moms often want daughters to have that female bond, it just doesn't always happen. I know plenty of women who are close with their mothers, but just as many who aren't. My husband is very close with my MIL, while my SIL isn't and has always had a bit of a difficult relationship. People often forget that regardless of gender, kids have their own personalities and may not turn out the way that parents had hoped/expected.

[atomic sagebrush]

I wanted both boys and girls. I always wanted a big family and just assumed I'd have sons and daughters. I really really wanted a boy first and got him. I was very happy with just my 2 boys for many years and did not feel like I was missing out on much - I really had only the occsional passing thought that I wished I had a daughter too. Then, I had my 3rd boy and I just really had thought he was a girl. This is what triggered the GD for me. I did not and do not "prefer" girls, it is just something that I wanted to experience and when I felt like I was having a daughter but it was another boy, it felt like someone had taken "her" away from me (even tho that was all in my mind of course)

I did eventually get a daughter on my 5th try and I'm of course happy for that, but it was never a preference overall and still isn't. Boys and girls are both great, I just was greedy and wanted both. :)

[Greydore]

I wanted both boys and girls. I always wanted a big family and just assumed I'd have sons and daughters. I really really wanted a boy first and got him. I was very happy with just my 2 boys for many years and did not feel like I was missing out on much - I really had only the occsional passing thought that I wished I had a daughter too. Then, I had my 3rd boy and I just really had thought he was a girl. This is what triggered the GD for me. I did not and do not "prefer" girls, it is just something that I wanted to experience and when I felt like I was having a daughter but it was another boy, it felt like someone had taken "her" away from me (even tho that was all in my mind of course)

I did eventually get a daughter on my 5th try and I'm of course happy for that, but it was never a preference overall and still isn't. Boys and girls are both great, I just was greedy and wanted both. :)

Good way to put it! It would be great to experience both :)

[business.woman]

I grew up surrounded by girls too , i was a girl between 6 sisters. I didnt had a great relationship with them that time (now its great and I love them so much) so I always wanted to be a boy mom ! but I got a girl at first and wouldn't change this for the world.

[cosmosis]

I don't REALLY have a preference to be honest. I wanted my first born to be a boy because that's just traditionally how it is and I wanted my then husband to have a son. I think my involvement in raising my brothers had something to do with that also though, it just never crossed my mind to have a girl.

Now, I want a boy because I want my step son to have a buddy close in age, especially since his parents are divorced, I want him to have a place where he feels he belongs you know? I also want to give my husband our own son together, but again, no real preference. They both have their perks!

[Throwaway_panther]

Boys ARE easier conceived, according to science, but are also more likely to miscarry; the birth rate is skewed for boys, too, though the overall population rate tends to stay even/slightly skewed for women because males are more likely to die for a variety of reasons. It's honestly been my assumption that because of this is why I see so many TTC girl swayers. Your side of the forums are definitely more active, haha.

I'm one of all girls in a heavy girl family as well (with cousins, etc.), but wanted a boy for a lot of pretty heavy reasons, to be honest. I've confessed those elsewhere, but it's sort of a damper why I want a boy so bad!

I have to say though, Greydore, I'm honestly teary reading your post. Seeing you write about how you're raising your sons is not only what I hope to do, but brings me so, so much joy to see you doing. I firmly believe that we need to be raising the next generation of sons to be exactly as you said, not future MRAs lol. I'm so happy you are mothering them the way you are.

[Erin514]

Thanks!

It's funny because I have a similar background to you- I grew up surrounded by girls. I'm 1 of 4 sisters, and have 8 girl cousins, no boy cousins. I wasn't sure what to do with a boy either, but I actually preferred boys. My sisters and I were difficult teenagers and my sister especially always butted heads with our mom. I really wanted that mother- son bond, and I'll admit I love how much my boys adore me. I also am happy that I have the opportunity to raise sensitive sons. My boys know it's okay to cry, they aren't pushed to be strong and tough all the time, we encourage whatever play they are drawn to whether it's dolls or cars, and I'm teaching them consent (i.e., no touching others without permission). Obviously things will get harder as they get older, but I hope basically to not raise future MRA's, haha.

Edited to add: I think people wish for a certain gender with some preconceived notions of what that gender will be. Moms often want daughters to have that female bond, it just doesn't always happen. I know plenty of women who are close with their mothers, but just as many who aren't. My husband is very close with my MIL, while my SIL isn't and has always had a bit of a difficult relationship. People often forget that regardless of gender, kids have their own personalities and may not turn out the way that parents had hoped/expected.

I really like this, greydore. You sound like you have a similar parenting philosophy to me. We talk about consent with our boys a lot (asking permission to hug/kiss a friend, and being comfortable saying no if you don't want to hug/kiss someone, even if that person is an adult you trust), and my older boy is a very sensitive, empathic kid. Definitely being a parent has made me more aware and critical of gender stereotypes than I was before giving birth to my first.

[Greydore]

Oh my gosh you guys are amazing! Thank you for helping me feel like I'm doing an okay job with my boys. I live in a blue collar city in an ultra red state, so I'm definitely in the minority. Most of my co workers think it's weird that I'll paint my 3 year old's nails if he asks and doesn't know how to hold a gun correctly (he'll figure that out as soon as he starts playing with other boys!) I'm rambling, but I think it's a big responsibility to raise 'good men' and I'm happy that I have the honor of doing it (or trying at least, haha).

[Greydore]

Boys ARE easier conceived, according to science, but are also more likely to miscarry; the birth rate is skewed for boys, too, though the overall population rate tends to stay even/slightly skewed for women because males are more likely to die for a variety of reasons. It's honestly been my assumption that because of this is why I see so many TTC girl swayers. Your side of the forums are definitely more active, haha.

I was wondering if that was part of it. I was surrounded by girls growing up, so I never thought it would be a bit more difficult to conceive a girl. I think this kind of stuff is so interesting!

[foxtrotmama]

I always wanted boys. I swayed blue with DS1. It wasn't until DS2 was born and we decided we were done that I suddenly was sad I would never have a daughter.

Honestly I think for me it started as a thing about wanting something because I realized it wasn't likely to happen for me. We were sure we were done, and I'm probably pretty rigged towards having boys to begin with. Counting known losses, I've conceived four boys, and the girl I lost had Turner syndrome (XO).

[atomic sagebrush]

Also, ladies, if we could all be so kind as to avoid uncharitable stereotypes of our fellow Americans, I would appreciate it. there are people here from all walks of life around the country and world and we are all doing the best we can as parents and moms. Thank you.

[Girlieplease]

I always wanted a dd but assumed I would never have on because it's all boys on my side ( apart from me) and all boys on my dh side. When we found out dd was a girl ( first child) the I was over the moon and I just assumed that I would have a second dd as most people I know have the same gender for one and two. I never really thought about having boys but then ds1 come along 18 months after dd. I actually know of very few women in real life that want boys. My sister in law is pregnant with her third after two girls and she wants a boy but she wanted two girls first and now she has that she wants a boy. Lots of my mummy friends in rl that have all boys are desperate for that mother daughter bond and some it has really affected them that they won't have it. Whereas the girl mums, that have no boys, mention that they would have liked a boy but seems less intensity and more accepting of their lot. My brother's wife is expecting their first baby, a girl and my brother is disappointed that it's not a boy and he wants them to keep trying until they have a boy, it's that important to him! X

[Thinkpinkplease]

I really wanted a boy with my first. I got him and was over the moon.
With my second I had an enormous amount of pressure put on me to produce the only granddaughter. It triggered GD greatly at the beginning but I convinced myself I was having a boy and indeed birthed another boy. I adore him. The home birth and breastfeeding experience he has given me brings tears to my eyes.
I am full of guilt being on here at all because it has never meant that I am not happy with what I have.
Societal pressure and comments have made me feel I should want a daughter but when I forget their gender I am very happy with what I have.
My sister has just had her third now and got a boy after two daughters and competitiveness has raised it's ugly head.
I am on here because I love children, I'd love more but we live in a 2 bed. I am curious about swaying, but I repeat daily that it will not be at the expense of the children I already have or may have.
If another child lies in my future I am determined that I will not feel that way again. In the meantime I am learning a lot through here and mostly I just feel sad for all of us that we have ever felt this way for whatever reason.
I hope I have caused no offence by what I write. I am not the best at describing how I feel


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[Thinkpinkplease]

Thanks!

It's funny because I have a similar background to you- I grew up surrounded by girls. I'm 1 of 4 sisters, and have 8 girl cousins, no boy cousins. I wasn't sure what to do with a boy either, but I actually preferred boys. My sisters and I were difficult teenagers and my sister especially always butted heads with our mom. I really wanted that mother- son bond, and I'll admit I love how much my boys adore me. I also am happy that I have the opportunity to raise sensitive sons. My boys know it's okay to cry, they aren't pushed to be strong and tough all the time, we encourage whatever play they are drawn to whether it's dolls or cars, and I'm teaching them consent (i.e., no touching others without permission). Obviously things will get harder as they get older, but I hope basically to not raise future MRA's, haha.

Edited to add: I think people wish for a certain gender with some preconceived notions of what that gender will be. Moms often want daughters to have that female bond, it just doesn't always happen. I know plenty of women who are close with their mothers, but just as many who aren't. My husband is very close with my MIL, while my SIL isn't and has always had a bit of a difficult relationship. People often forget that regardless of gender, kids have their own personalities and may not turn out the way that parents had hoped/expected.

This is so true.
I am so close to my mum. Iv stupidly convinced myself if I had a daughter she would be like that with me but actually my mum and sister don't get on at all and I could end up with that!


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[atomic sagebrush]

It is not about not loving what we already have. We all do, with every fiber of our beings. This is just that thing that won't leave us alone in many cases.

[Throwaway_panther]

I really wanted a boy with my first. I got him and was over the moon.
With my second I had an enormous amount of pressure put on me to produce the only granddaughter. It triggered GD greatly at the beginning but I convinced myself I was having a boy and indeed birthed another boy. I adore him. The home birth and breastfeeding experience he has given me brings tears to my eyes.
I am full of guilt being on here at all because it has never meant that I am not happy with what I have.
Societal pressure and comments have made me feel I should want a daughter but when I forget their gender I am very happy with what I have.
My sister has just had her third now and got a boy after two daughters and competitiveness has raised it's ugly head.
I am on here because I love children, I'd love more but we live in a 2 bed. I am curious about swaying, but I repeat daily that it will not be at the expense of the children I already have or may have.
If another child lies in my future I am determined that I will not feel that way again. In the meantime I am learning a lot through here and mostly I just feel sad for all of us that we have ever felt this way for whatever reason.
I hope I have caused no offence by what I write. I am not the best at describing how I feel


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No, I totally understand it. I don't think any of us WANT that depression that comes with disappointment over sex or a desire for a sex other than our own kids? I talk often about how it's the ultimate cognitive dissonance: being over the moon for our children and loving them wholeheartedly, while still yearning for more as if they're not enough.

Try not to feel guilty. There is no 'crime of the heart' here to want something more. Moms sometimes think about not having kids at all, right? The "wow remember when I could just poop for 10 minutes in peace" thoughts -- we feel what we feel, and it doesn't make us bad for feeling that way.

@Greydore: I totally feel you on the growing up around all girls. It never struck me one way or the other about being able to have one sex or the other despite being in an extended family of literally TWO boys out of 15+ girls. I just assumed, "I will get my boy." If it wasn't for the fact that my generation of cousins are all having predominantly boys, I'd have wondered if we were one of those genetic anomaly families carrying hemophilia or something

[lucyandboys]

I only ever wanted girls. I used to draw my daughters and give them names and make paper clothes for them.
All the men I knew were abusers (to my single mother or to us both) and the boys at school were bullies. Even growing up, all my boyfriends cheated on me and treated me badly. I assumed I'd be single all my life until I met dh (who is the loveliest man I've ever met and also the product of a single mother!). I just felt that women/girls were nicer people. Dh agreed, and wanted girls too!

When ds1 was born, I was of course overjoyed & fell in love, as I knew I would. I did assume I'd have a girl next, though. Nope, another gorgeous boy and another. I have also tried to shy away from gender stereotypes (although very difficult, especially once they reach school age & want to be the same as other boys. The older two are big into fighting atm, but you never know, perhaps if they were girls they would be too) and bring them up to be good people who hopefully treat women and children (and men) well. They are fab people and I wouldn't change anything about them. If I do have a successful sway, I won't love her any more or less than I do my boys and I'll probably try to treat in the same way, as much as possible. If I don't, I will still be happy with my lot, but there will always be that sadness for the daughter I never had.

[2pinkbluenext]

I wouldn't say I prefer one or the other but I enjoy boys and girls in different ways. I have 2 girls and love having my newphew stay with us all the time. They are just so different. Im ttc boy now. If I only had boys id be ttc a girl or 2. I love them both and i think its a blessing for sisters to have brothers and brothers to have sisters.

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[dancingdiva88]

I really want both genders. However I would have preferred a boy first to ease the pressure on me from DH's family to produce a boy to carry the family name!
I grew up as an only child and raised fulltime by my dad. I am very 'boy' with the interests I have and although I wanted a girl, I never saw myself having girls and being a bit fearful of having one because I wouldn't know how to connect with a girl.
My dad is the best person I know and even my DH says I rely emotionally too much on my dad, but to me he's just 'my dad'. I would love to give my dad a grandson because although he had me I know he would've loved a boy too as he's your typical farmer etc.

[atomic sagebrush]

No, I totally understand it. I don't think any of us WANT that depression that comes with disappointment over sex or a desire for a sex other than our own kids? I talk often about how it's the ultimate cognitive dissonance: being over the moon for our children and loving them wholeheartedly, while still yearning for more as if they're not enough.

Try not to feel guilty. There is no 'crime of the heart' here to want something more. Moms sometimes think about not having kids at all, right? The "wow remember when I could just poop for 10 minutes in peace" thoughts -- we feel what we feel, and it doesn't make us bad for feeling that way.

@Greydore: I totally feel you on the growing up around all girls. It never struck me one way or the other about being able to have one sex or the other despite being in an extended family of literally TWO boys out of 15+ girls. I just assumed, "I will get my boy." If it wasn't for the fact that my generation of cousins are all having predominantly boys, I'd have wondered if we were one of those genetic anomaly families carrying hemophilia or something

Families that have genetic disorders tend to know about them. There would be people who were chronically sick or a history of lots of miscarriages (and while people don't always talk about it, it does tend to come out) or children that died very young. I find this is something that plagues blue swayers - this fear is almost always unfounded, though, unless you know of your MOTHER"S family members with things like this. (not dad's unless he too is chronically sick)

[foxtrotmama]

I was thinking about it and I think part of the numbers split between pink and blue swayers might be personality based. Typical "boy moms", as planners with a great deal of desire to control things, would probably be more likely to seek out and return to information about swaying than "girl moms" who might either just try and hope for the best, or look it up a couple times, find a few tips, and move on. Not that blue swayers can't be the obsessive planning type, just that the stereotype personalities fit.

[atomic sagebrush]

I also believe, very, very, very generally with about a billion exceptions, and feel free to ignore/jeer my opinion on this, ladies, that moms who have girls tend to be ~slightly~ more responsive to societal pressures than boy moms.

Since gender desire is a taboo, frowned-upon thing (particularly for gender desire for boys in UK/UK/EU/OZ where most of us hail from) there may be a lot of people who want boys desperately but suffer in silence because it's socially proscribed to admit this openly. I feel that a lot of the women who want boys on the site are (or say that they are) doing it for someone else - husband, family, etc. again, social pressures. and the ones who want boys for their own reasons are often very embarrassed, even ashamed of it A surprising number of my blue Custom Swayers are afraid that people will find out that they are swaying and never even come out into the forums because they don't want anyone to know.

Whereas at least some of us who want girls, I'll just speak for myself here, are here because we're greedy jerks who want girls and don't care what other people think about it LOL.

Again, very very very generally, and not something that is true for most or even many, but may factor into it.

[Greydore]

Also, ladies, if we could all be so kind as to avoid uncharitable stereotypes of our fellow Americans, I would appreciate it. there are people here from all walks of life around the country and world and we are all doing the best we can as parents and moms. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. I did not mean to offend anyone, just trying to explain how my parenting is looked at as odd where I live. I apologize.

[Throwaway_panther]

Families that have genetic disorders tend to know about them. There would be people who were chronically sick or a history of lots of miscarriages (and while people don't always talk about it, it does tend to come out) or children that died very young. I find this is something that plagues blue swayers - this fear is almost always unfounded, though, unless you know of your MOTHER"S family members with things like this. (not dad's unless he too is chronically sick)

Yeah, I know it's a huge anxiety mindset and not necessarily rooted in fact -- both sides of my family are FOB, so there's a lot of "mystery" to our health backgrounds (literally the story goes that a great-grandfather died after "laying down on cold ground" ... :rolleyes:), and my father is actually chronically sick, but I mean, we've got some boys thrown in there so we should probably be good, haha. DH's family has none of these things (though his mother struggled with infertility for years), so there probably shouldn't be any worries for some recessive thing.

And yeah, definitely embarrassed about wanting a boy for some of my reasons -- I consider myself a feminist, which informs part of my desire for a boy, but to be valuing a boy over a girl seems like the ultimate hypocrisy to me (even though I don't think that of anyone else?! Just myself...). I'm forever grateful my DH isn't like the many who "needs" to have a son, though I guess the double-edged sword there is that he's less invested in swaying (including the "every other day" BD pattern being not enough :owl:)

It's interesting though, about external pressure. I've definitely noticed a fair share of girl swayers on here specify that their families put a lot of pressure on them to have girls, or are the only "chance" for an all-boy family to have girls. I even noticed an acquaintance on another site deal with her own mother publicly belabor over and over that she HAS to have a girl -- and this poor woman struggled with infertility and losses for years! I actually said something to someone making gender cracks, because I just felt so badly for her.

I'm thinking that it's the case of "external validation" -- if we think we're fat, and ONE person says we're fat? Well, shoot, maybe we are? So if we want a boy, or want a girl, and then hear someone outside of ourselves echo that desire -- or really, project that desire -- onto us, it becomes tenfold.

[lindz]

From my own experience(making some over generalizations) it seems like more women want girls. I feel like a lot of us think we will be able to relate better to daughters. We long for a special mother/daughter bond. I value my relationship with my sister so much, so I long to have daughters who will be close, especially in adulthood. Even putting all that aside, it seems like our culture values girls over boys. Girls can be and do anything. There's nothing "too girly" or "too masculine" for them. I've heard mothers brag about how sweet their husbands are with their daughters as if being sweet with sons isn't as special. Like a truly sensitive and enlightened man doesn't need a son, he can get all his needs met with a daughter. I feel like society would judge you as "sexist" for saying you don't want girls, but it's perfectly acceptable to say you hope you never have boys. I've had friends tell me they hope they don't have a boy because they "wouldn't know what to do with them". As though them having a penis makes them a mutant species. There's also the negative stereotypes that all boys are loud and crazy, whereas girls are calm and easy to raise. A lot of women who have a girl first, and only want two, say that it doesn't matter if the next is another girl because then their daughter will have a sister, if not a boy will be fun. I don't often get the vibe from people that they will be really sad and missing out if they never have a boy. I actually really like reading the TTC a boy boards once in awhile because it reminds me that there are people out there who value having a boy, and do realize what I have is special. In my twisted mind, I'm convinced moms of two or more girls feel bad for boy moms because they think their girls are so much better, and we're missing out on so much and maybe our boys are too rough or wild to play with their girls(I'm sure most girl moms absolutely do not feel this way and I'm just crazy)


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[Greydore]

Yeah, I know it's a huge anxiety mindset and not necessarily rooted in fact -- both sides of my family are FOB, so there's a lot of "mystery" to our health backgrounds (literally the story goes that a great-grandfather died after "laying down on cold ground" ... :rolleyes:), and my father is actually chronically sick, but I mean, we've got some boys thrown in there so we should probably be good, haha. DH's family has none of these things (though his mother struggled with infertility for years), so there probably shouldn't be any worries for some recessive thing.

And yeah, definitely embarrassed about wanting a boy for some of my reasons -- I consider myself a feminist, which informs part of my desire for a boy, but to be valuing a boy over a girl seems like the ultimate hypocrisy to me (even though I don't think that of anyone else?! Just myself...). I'm forever grateful my DH isn't like the many who "needs" to have a son, though I guess the double-edged sword there is that he's less invested in swaying (including the "every other day" BD pattern being not enough :owl:)

It's interesting though, about external pressure. I've definitely noticed a fair share of girl swayers on here specify that their families put a lot of pressure on them to have girls, or are the only "chance" for an all-boy family to have girls. I even noticed an acquaintance on another site deal with her own mother publicly belabor over and over that she HAS to have a girl -- and this poor woman struggled with infertility and losses for years! I actually said something to someone making gender cracks, because I just felt so badly for her.

I'm thinking that it's the case of "external validation" -- if we think we're fat, and ONE person says we're fat? Well, shoot, maybe we are? So if we want a boy, or want a girl, and then hear someone outside of ourselves echo that desire -- or really, project that desire -- onto us, it becomes tenfold.

So much yes to external pressures. My dad's family highly values boys. My dad is the oldest son, and his parents desperately wanted him to have boys. By the time the third girl came, my grandparents weren't even excited. They ended up having 9 granddaughters and 1 grandson. They were ecstatic when I had a boy. Now that I have 2 boys, people expect a girl. Thankfully neither my parents or in laws care what we have.

[Greydore]

From my own experience(making some over generalizations) it seems like more women want girls. I feel like a lot of us think we will be able to relate better to daughters. We long for a special mother/daughter bond. I value my relationship with my sister so much, so I long to have daughters who will be close, especially in adulthood. Even putting all that aside, it seems like our culture values girls over boys. Girls can be and do anything. There's nothing "too girly" or "too masculine" for them. I've heard mothers brag about how sweet their husbands are with their daughters as if being sweet with sons isn't as special. Like a truly sensitive and enlightened man doesn't need a son, he can get all his needs met with a daughter. I feel like society would judge you as "sexist" for saying you don't want girls, but it's perfectly acceptable to say you hope you never have boys. I've had friends tell me they hope they don't have a boy because they "wouldn't know what to do with them". As though them having a penis makes them a mutant species. There's also the negative stereotypes that all boys are loud and crazy, whereas girls are calm and easy to raise. A lot of women who have a girl first, and only want two, say that it doesn't matter if the next is another girl because then their daughter will have a sister, if not a boy will be fun. I don't often get the vibe from people that they will be really sad and missing out if they never have a boy. I actually really like reading the TTC a boy boards once in awhile because it reminds me that there are people out there who value having a boy, and do realize what I have is special. In my twisted mind, I'm convinced moms of two or more girls feel bad for boy moms because they think their girls are so much better, and we're missing out on so much and maybe our boys are too rough or wild to play with their girls(I'm sure most girl moms absolutely do not feel this way and I'm just crazy)


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No, I totally get what you mean! Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but I do get the vibe that girl moms think they have it better, that they feel bad that I got 'stuck' with two boys. Of course not every girl mom is this way, but I've heard plenty of offhand comments about having only boys to think that some really do- an acquaintance was pregnant with her second girl and said that she had a nightmare(!) that the baby turned out to be a boy. I don't hear these comments from people about having more girls, unless it's their 3rd, 4th, etc. One friend was ecstatic to have a girl. She went into her second oregnancy hoping for another girl but had a boy. He's 3 now and she constantly comments on how much she loves the mother-son bond she has with him. She wasn't expecting to enjoy him so much.

But seriously, most boys adore their mamas. Who wouldn't want that? :) In all fairness, my parents took a lot of crap for having four girls. It definitely goes both ways once you start having more than two, I think.

Edited to add: I feel like I got lucky with my husband also in that he never felt like he needed a boy. Ive had a lot of friends with disappointed husbands when they had girls :(

[XXforhubby]

Then there is me and my DH. I only ever wanted boys, and my DH has wanted a DD every time. Every time we heard boy, I felt bad for feeling happy/excited while he was so upset. He wasn't as upset with DS1, because he was our first. He thought we'd have at least one girl somewhere. His GD was by far the worst with DS2. He didn't bond with him until he was 6mo [emoji20]. DS3 was the easiest, at least on outward appearance to me. It wasn't until two weeks ago when our DS2 had surgery, that I heard him tell the nurse when asked about our family that I learned he wanted a girl badly each time. I sure hope I've done enough for him this time around!

Good luck to you on your journey!



[emoji170][emoji1379]DS1, [emoji577]DS2, & [emoji602]DS3[emoji170]
[emoji166]One Last Pink Sway[emoji166]
https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920/thumb.png
My Ovulation Chart (https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920)

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm so sorry. I did not mean to offend anyone, just trying to explain how my parenting is looked at as odd where I live. I apologize.

Absolutely no need to apologize, I realize you didn't even think about it.

[atomic sagebrush]

sorry, computer freaking out and unable to quote, but re the external pressure, I get what you're saying but I feel there is a different flavor with a chunk of the blue swayers where they really ARE primarily motivated from external pressure, and with the pink swayers, they are primarily motivated from internal desires and then people's comments aggravate those desires. It's hard to put into words. I don't mean to say that the desires are any less, just that their origins may be different. There was this poor woman on IG whose user name was "I need a boy so I can prove to the world that I am not a bad girl." Heartbreaking. She was clearly in pain and hurting on a level of anyone's GD, but that it was possibly sourced differently. And of course many who think they need to carry down the family name, doing it for their husbands, and so on. Whereas pink swayers are very often told "YOU need a girl" as if you're not experiencing motherhood properly unless you've raised a daughter. Again, a very broad generalization and certainly not true down to every individual, just something that's seemed to be the case for enough people I took note of it. :)

[atomic sagebrush]

No, I totally get what you mean! Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but I do get the vibe that girl moms think they have it better, that they feel bad that I got 'stuck' with two boys. Of course not every girl mom is this way, but I've heard plenty of offhand comments about having only boys to think that some really do- an acquaintance was pregnant with her second girl and said that she had a nightmare(!) that the baby turned out to be a boy. I don't hear these comments from people about having more girls, unless it's their 3rd, 4th, etc. One friend was ecstatic to have a girl. She went into her second oregnancy hoping for another girl but had a boy. He's 3 now and she constantly comments on how much she loves the mother-son bond she has with him. She wasn't expecting to enjoy him so much.

But seriously, most boys adore their mamas. Who wouldn't want that? :) In all fairness, my parents took a lot of crap for having four girls. It definitely goes both ways once you start having more than two, I think.

Edited to add: I feel like I got lucky with my husband also in that he never felt like he needed a boy. Ive had a lot of friends with disappointed husbands when they had girls :(

I have found that many of the all-girl moms take abuse on a shocking level from friends/acquaintances. I would have punched people in the face if they said the stuff that some of the girl moms have said to them regularly! :P Especially the husbands. Some people have no shame. :(

[Greydore]

I have found that many of the all-girl moms take abuse on a shocking level from friends/acquaintances. I would have punched people in the face if they said the stuff that some of the girl moms have said to them regularly! :P Especially the husbands. Some people have no shame. :(

Husbands can be awful. My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time. Her husband wanted a boy badly. When they found out it was a girl, he made comments on how he hates women's sports and will hate going to his daughter's sporting events. He told me in private that I 'took his boy' because I already had one. I feel so bad for women that have to deal with that from their husbands.

[Shenanigans]

Well I have multiple reasons. For me, I have this huge fear that once grown and married, my boys will have nothing to do with me. I am one of 4 children. 2 boys and 2 girls and both my brothers only really are ever with their wives family. They couldn't care less about my parents. My sister and I visit my parents often and also see our in laws. We also have a total of 12 grandchildren between the 4 of us and there are only 2 girls. One is now 12 and the other is 19 months. I was pregnant with a girl also at the same time as my sister was with the 19 month old but she suddenly passed away at 14 weeks. I then went on to have my 4 the boy. I have been heartbroken ever since and feel such an emptiness without a daughter. I adore my boys and really am especially close with my oldest but I want to experience a daughter. Also, I'm so sick of feeling like my boys are chopped liver. I mean how everyone acts like girls are never allowed to date and they are so special, blah blah, but somehow it is strange if I value my boys just as much. Also, I'm sick of how it is somehow cute that my nieces can be "divas" and they pretty much run the show but if my boys act the same, there is no tolerance. Like it is cute from a female to be a bully. Ugh. Sorry, didn't mean to make it a ranting session....

[Lissastick]

I was in here swaying pink and I wouldn't say that I prefer girls at all. In fact, I would say the opposite. I grew up with a brother and wanted my parents to have another baby and I wanted the baby to be a boy. I have always been boy crazy. I am the kind of girl who had more guy friends and found most girls to be catty and annoying.

When I started thinking about having kids, I wanted two boys. That's all. I dreaded having a girl. I thought I would be the wrong kind of mother for a girl.

Only recently did I convince myself that I could raise a daughter properly. My mother and I are extremely close. She is my best friend and my favorite person. She is also sick with an incurable disease. I would absolutely love a relationship like that with a daughter. But, I know there is no guarantee. My daughter could end up hating me.

Also, I am into mystical things and I really felt like I had a female spirit coming to me. I was wrong. That is what is causing my GD. And that is what caused me to sway for a girl. My dreams, feelings, thoughts were all telling me that I would have a daughter.

I think I am a lot better off than some people are in this group and others. I think I can heal almost completely. Maybe a decade from now, or so. Lol!

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

[Greydore]

Well I have multiple reasons. For me, I have this huge fear that once grown and married, my boys will have nothing to do with me. I am one of 4 children. 2 boys and 2 girls and both my brothers only really are ever with their wives family. They couldn't care less about my parents. My sister and I visit my parents often and also see our in laws. We also have a total of 12 grandchildren between the 4 of us and there are only 2 girls. One is now 12 and the other is 19 months. I was pregnant with a girl also at the same time as my sister was with the 19 month old but she suddenly passed away at 14 weeks. I then went on to have my 4 the boy. I have been heartbroken ever since and feel such an emptiness without a daughter. I adore my boys and really am especially close with my oldest but I want to experience a daughter. Also, I'm so sick of feeling like my boys are chopped liver. I mean how everyone acts like girls are never allowed to date and they are so special, blah blah, but somehow it is strange if I value my boys just as much. Also, I'm sick of how it is somehow cute that my nieces can be "divas" and they pretty much run the show but if my boys act the same, there is no tolerance. Like it is cute from a female to be a bully. Ugh. Sorry, didn't mean to make it a ranting session....

I have those fears too, that my boys will grow up and I'll only hear from them once in awhile...the thought makes me want to cry! Thankfully I've seen some things that make me hopeful that my boys will stick close. My husband is very close with his mom. Before we met, they got together a few times per week. We still see her often. I'm an OB nurse now, but was a post operative nurse before that. I saw many men who were very concerned about their mothers, stuck by their side, etc.

[XXforhubby]

I have those fears too, that my boys will grow up and I'll only hear from them once in awhile...the thought makes me want to cry! Thankfully I've seen some things that make me hopeful that my boys will stick close. My husband is very close with his mom. Before we met, they got together a few times per week. We still see her often. I'm an OB nurse now, but was a post operative nurse before that. I saw many men who were very concerned about their mothers, stuck by their side, etc.

My dad is one of three boys and they are close with my grandma. My dad won't move from their very small town until she passes to help take care of her. They are very close- to the point they can drive each other nuts at times, haha!



[emoji170][emoji1379]DS1, [emoji577]DS2, & [emoji602]DS3[emoji170]
[emoji166]EDD 9/30/2017 [emoji1317]for pink[emoji166]
https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920/thumb.png
My Ovulation Chart (https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920)

[Throwaway_panther]

I have found that many of the all-girl moms take abuse on a shocking level from friends/acquaintances. I would have punched people in the face if they said the stuff that some of the girl moms have said to them regularly! :P Especially the husbands. Some people have no shame. :(

Literally the day we came home from the hospital, my FIL insinuated to my DH that he was somehow less of a man for having a DD. My DH pointed out that he got me pregnant first try (and little did we know, seemingly anytime he breathed on me after that) whereas FIL/MIL took 6 years and mutiple rounds of failed IVF before surprisingly getting pregnant with DH. My DD wasn't even two days old and we were already getting comments on the sex... >:(

ETA: Not that anyone's struggles with infertility mean anything about your partner's manhood! It was just such a punch on top of my GD, especially considering all my FIL went through (and his weird sort of competitiveness with my DH...)

[atomic sagebrush]

I have those fears too, that my boys will grow up and I'll only hear from them once in awhile...the thought makes me want to cry! Thankfully I've seen some things that make me hopeful that my boys will stick close. My husband is very close with his mom. Before we met, they got together a few times per week. We still see her often. I'm an OB nurse now, but was a post operative nurse before that. I saw many men who were very concerned about their mothers, stuck by their side, etc.

On this, I can completely put people's minds at ease. In my family (both me and DH) it's always the daughters going off and following their husbands due to career, etc while at least one son has been the caretaker. Both my husband's grandparents were cared for by the youngest son, my dad is an only child and so he was in the position of caretaker by default, my mom's younger brother took care of my grandma and grandpa on my mom's side, and my husband does tons of stuff for his mom despite the fact that his sister lives right next door. His sister really doesn't do that much (and what she does do is very resentful).

My brother and my brother in law both take way better care of my mom than I do. My stepmother takes care of my dad while my sister and I are 2000 miles away with our husbands. I'm really a horrible daughter to be honest with you. I'm all about my family and my own stuff and not so much my parents.

I have two adult sons who call me nearly every day. Sometimes so much that I'm like "OMG are they calling again?? I just TALKED to them." :)

[Erin514]

On this, I can completely put people's minds at ease. In my family (both me and DH) it's always the daughters going off and following their husbands due to career, etc while at least one son has been the caretaker. Both my husband's grandparents were cared for by the youngest son, my dad is an only child and so he was in the position of caretaker by default, my mom's younger brother took care of my grandma and grandpa on my mom's side, and my husband does tons of stuff for his mom despite the fact that his sister lives right next door. His sister really doesn't do that much (and what she does do is very resentful).

My brother and my brother in law both take way better care of my mom than I do. My stepmother takes care of my dad while my sister and I are 2000 miles away with our husbands. I'm really a horrible daughter to be honest with you. I'm all about my family and my own stuff and not so much my parents.

I have two adult sons who call me nearly every day. Sometimes so much that I'm like "OMG are they calling again?? I just TALKED to them." :)

Yes, this.

It's hard not to believe that boys will grow up and forget you while girls will keep the family bonds strong because we hear this conventional wisdom repeated again and again, but this absolutely doesn't have to be true and is pretty sexist when you think about it. Like only women know how to pick up a phone on mom's birthday? I think it's partly about raising your boys to be considerate and thoughtful people, and partly just how well your personalities mesh and you get along as adults. But I think it's reasonable of me to expect my sons to keep in touch and do their part to maintain a good relationship, and I also expect that kids of either gender will and should have their independance and live their own lives one day, that might mean moving away for work or something.

[XXforhubby]

^^^I agree completely. My grandma who had 3 sons always told me that the relationship you want with your children when they grow up is related to the type of relationship you cultivate with them as adults. She said obviously their needs are much different and they have grown into different versions of themselves that you have to get to know.



[emoji170][emoji1379]DS1, [emoji577]DS2, & [emoji602]DS3[emoji170]
[emoji166]EDD 9/30/2017 [emoji1317]for pink[emoji166]
https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920/thumb.png
My Ovulation Chart (https://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/579920)

[carebear1st]

I grew up surrounded by girls and even now my boys are surrounded by girls. I always knew I wanted children and thought I'd have 4 and get a mix. I'm out numbered at home and would like a mini me, I'm tired of seeing everyone's daughters or staring at baby girls on the street. My youngest boy really would like a sister the same as my eldest did when i was pregnant with youngest, my sister just had her 2nd girl and my youngest said when are we going to see "our" baby. We need a little girl for us all to dote on.

Also I want to be the grandma that gets to babysit and its normally the womans family that sees more of the children in my experience.

[atomic sagebrush]

my mother has babysat for us less than 5 times in 25 years (mostly because we live far away but also because with our first two kids, she was still raising her own kids and working). She is retired now and babysits for my brother's kids all the time. It's not a gender thing, it really isn't. No young couple on the face of the planet will turn down babysitting from a motivated grandma!!

[Throwaway_panther]

I grew up surrounded by girls and even now my boys are surrounded by girls. I always knew I wanted children and thought I'd have 4 and get a mix. I'm out numbered at home and would like a mini me, I'm tired of seeing everyone's daughters or staring at baby girls on the street. My youngest boy really would like a sister the same as my eldest did when i was pregnant with youngest, my sister just had her 2nd girl and my youngest said when are we going to see "our" baby. We need a little girl for us all to dote on.

Also I want to be the grandma that gets to babysit and its normally the womans family that sees more of the children in my experience.

My MIL lives 5 minutes away and we've full on given her her own key on top of all our invites, and she stil drives several hours away to see her only DD and her DD's kids more than us/our DD! Definitely refers back to what XX said -- my in-laws favored and cultivated that sort of relationship with their DD, also their youngest, and now barely see any of their DSs -- even though one of them would love to see them more. I think they had such a self fulfilling prophecy about how their DD would be vs DSs!

[cosmosis]

Both my mom and my mother in law are busy, independent working women and we hardly hear from them. I WISH I had a grandma around for our kids u_u.

Oh and I'm a terrible daughter who never calls her parents. >_> I hope my DD is not like me.

[Greydore]

I've been thinking more about this lately, and am reconsidering whether I want to sway or not. Do I really want a girl? I don't know...it seems like it would be nice to have the gender that we don't have, just to experience both. But other than that I don't yearn for a daughter. I don't moon over little girls when I'm out running errands. I saw a dad and his 3 boys at Target today and it made me smile- I was happy thinking that that could be my husband and our boys. I don't feel sad that I can't buy pink clothes (I actually hate pink, haha). I don't long for a deep mother-daughter bond, because it truly is not a guarantee. The activities I enjoy I do with my sons- my oldest loves baking, reading, and even asks for his nails painted :) my youngest is such a snuggle bug. I used to nanny full time for a family of 2 boys and 2 girls, and while I loved them all, I connected with the boys more, and I've always had a soft spot for little boys in general. Anyways, I have a few months to decide if I'll be swaying or not!

[atomic sagebrush]

Can you approach it from the angle that you can sway pink and then just be cool with it if you get an opposite?? I find that some people really regret not swaying (and quite a lot of people feel exactly like you do.)

I felt exactly the same way you did. I really do share most stuff with my sons. I love little boys (and older ones too LOL) There are a few things that we don't have in common and I can get all that from other women, really. There was just this something there that wouldn't go away, though.

Personally, I never got GD feelings from baby girls. Little girls annoy me sometimes to be honest. I felt more uptight over older girls teenagers and young women.

I think because everyone assumes it's about pink and glitter unicorns or having a mini-me that's what it's about, but I think there may just be something deeper that is really, really hard to explain about this desire. It's almost like experiencing a part of yourself that you never got to really experience because you were a child at the time or something. It's not a mystical experience, and I could have lived my life without it and been perfectly happy with just my boys, but I do feel like I understand ~certain~ elements of my experience as a female human more from having a daughter.

Example, it is interesting how much she just LOVES babies. It's bizarre and we didn't talk them up to her or anything. I was in a super hurry to have kids and had my first at 21 which scandalized my parents. But having seen my daughter in comparison to my sons, I can see now that was probably an innate quality, and not, as my parents would have had me believe, a way that I was trying to flee adult responsibilities and/or turn my back on their values system which put a premium on high levels of education and looking somewhat down on SAHMS. It's like I can shed light on some experiences I've had because I can see her go through the same things.

Now is it worth turning my life upside down and inside out? I don't know. No one would ever trade the kid they have, of course, but it was very disruptive to our lives for me to pursue this dream. Maybe I shouldn't have. But that's one of those things that everyone has to draw their own conclusion about, I suppose.

[foxtrotmama]

Can you approach it from the angle that you can sway pink and then just be cool with it if you get an opposite?? I find that some people really regret not swaying (and quite a lot of people feel exactly like you do.)

I felt exactly the same way you did. I really do share most stuff with my sons. I love little boys (and older ones too LOL) There are a few things that we don't have in common and I can get all that from other women, really. There was just this something there that wouldn't go away, though.

Personally, I never got GD feelings from baby girls. Little girls annoy me sometimes to be honest. I felt more uptight over older girls teenagers and young women.

I think because everyone assumes it's about pink and glitter unicorns or having a mini-me that's what it's about, but I think there may just be something deeper that is really, really hard to explain about this desire. It's almost like experiencing a part of yourself that you never got to really experience because you were a child at the time or something. It's not a mystical experience, and I could have lived my life without it and been perfectly happy with just my boys, but I do feel like I understand ~certain~ elements of my experience as a female human more from having a daughter.

Example, it is interesting how much she just LOVES babies. It's bizarre and we didn't talk them up to her or anything. I was in a super hurry to have kids and had my first at 21 which scandalized my parents. But having seen my daughter in comparison to my sons, I can see now that was probably an innate quality, and not, as my parents would have had me believe, a way that I was trying to flee adult responsibilities and/or turn my back on their values system which put a premium on high levels of education and looking somewhat down on SAHMS. It's like I can shed light on some experiences I've had because I can see her go through the same things.

Now is it worth turning my life upside down and inside out? I don't know. No one would ever trade the kid they have, of course, but it was very disruptive to our lives for me to pursue this dream. Maybe I shouldn't have. But that's one of those things that everyone has to draw their own conclusion about, I suppose.

Something about this post really resonated with me. I always wanted and loved babies, and was raised as an only child by parents who loved me, but constantly talked down about pregnancy/babies/childbearing. My decision to marry and have children young came as a disappointment. I'm still nervous about announcing my next pregnancy, actually.

[Greydore]

Can you approach it from the angle that you can sway pink and then just be cool with it if you get an opposite?? I find that some people really regret not swaying (and quite a lot of people feel exactly like you do.)

I felt exactly the same way you did. I really do share most stuff with my sons. I love little boys (and older ones too LOL) There are a few things that we don't have in common and I can get all that from other women, really. There was just this something there that wouldn't go away, though.

Personally, I never got GD feelings from baby girls. Little girls annoy me sometimes to be honest. I felt more uptight over older girls teenagers and young women.

I think because everyone assumes it's about pink and glitter unicorns or having a mini-me that's what it's about, but I think there may just be something deeper that is really, really hard to explain about this desire. It's almost like experiencing a part of yourself that you never got to really experience because you were a child at the time or something. It's not a mystical experience, and I could have lived my life without it and been perfectly happy with just my boys, but I do feel like I understand ~certain~ elements of my experience as a female human more from having a daughter.

Example, it is interesting how much she just LOVES babies. It's bizarre and we didn't talk them up to her or anything. I was in a super hurry to have kids and had my first at 21 which scandalized my parents. But having seen my daughter in comparison to my sons, I can see now that was probably an innate quality, and not, as my parents would have had me believe, a way that I was trying to flee adult responsibilities and/or turn my back on their values system which put a premium on high levels of education and looking somewhat down on SAHMS. It's like I can shed light on some experiences I've had because I can see her go through the same things.

Now is it worth turning my life upside down and inside out? I don't know. No one would ever trade the kid they have, of course, but it was very disruptive to our lives for me to pursue this dream. Maybe I shouldn't have. But that's one of those things that everyone has to draw their own conclusion about, I suppose.
I'm glad you said it- I wanted to but was afraid I would offend someone- I find little girls realllllyyy annoying. Like, I have zero patience for their whining. My youngest sister cries if you look at her wrong. I love my boys straightforwardness. This negative thinking is what's making me second guess swaying- maybe I would be a terrible girl mom? Thanks for your input.

[cosmosis]

I find boys to be much more whiney than girls to be honest. LOL. Those kind of things are personality traits and parenting related, not gender related. :)

[Lissastick]

Can you approach it from the angle that you can sway pink and then just be cool with it if you get an opposite?? I find that some people really regret not swaying (and quite a lot of people feel exactly like you do.)

I felt exactly the same way you did. I really do share most stuff with my sons. I love little boys (and older ones too LOL) There are a few things that we don't have in common and I can get all that from other women, really. There was just this something there that wouldn't go away, though.

Personally, I never got GD feelings from baby girls. Little girls annoy me sometimes to be honest. I felt more uptight over older girls teenagers and young women.

I think because everyone assumes it's about pink and glitter unicorns or having a mini-me that's what it's about, but I think there may just be something deeper that is really, really hard to explain about this desire. It's almost like experiencing a part of yourself that you never got to really experience because you were a child at the time or something. It's not a mystical experience, and I could have lived my life without it and been perfectly happy with just my boys, but I do feel like I understand ~certain~ elements of my experience as a female human more from having a daughter.

Example, it is interesting how much she just LOVES babies. It's bizarre and we didn't talk them up to her or anything.

My SON loves babies too!! It's bizarre to me because I thought that was a female thing. When he sees a baby he stops everything to say, "Oh look!!! A baby! How cute!" He searches google for pictures of babies. He also pretends to breastfeed. It's the sweetest thing ever. I'm always saying that my son acts a lot like a typical girl. Very dramatic, feminine (he likes to put makeup on and wear my shoes). What's cool is he is also like a typical boy at other times. He is like both! Haha!



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[Lissastick]

I find boys to be much more whiney than girls to be honest. LOL. Those kind of things are personality traits and parenting related, not gender related. :)
My boy is SO whiney! Even more than my nieces!! It's definitely a personality thing!

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[Girlieplease]

I find this whole thread really interesting, I think I really try to reflect on my own gd in a way to process it and move on that it has been fascinating hearing from others!

What I understand about my own gender desire, is that my relationship with my own mother has never been optimal, we are very close but I have always been more like the parent. I only have one sibling a brother and I feel i carry the burden of having to manage my mother as my brother is more distant for her. I have always idealised the role of a sister and wonder if at some level I felt it would have eased my burden? But also maybe provided me with the unconditional relationship female I did not have. I realise all sisters don't have that relationship. Having not had that I viewed a dd as a way to have it. My dd was my first and I would have to say having her was the most contenting experience of my life, I gave birth to her naturally, she was a dream to breast feed and it gave me a real sense of this is what am here to do to be her mother and I can provide everything she needs. I think in part my gender disappointment is because my dd is becoming more independent, needs me less and it was a desire to recreate that initial experience with dd with another. I realise now that your relationship with dc 2 and 3 is just different because you already have a child to consider. I feel that in some way my feelings of disappointment got attached to gender when possibly it would have been the same if dc 2 had been another girl. What I have learnt is to enjoy every moment with all of my children, especially my dd because I won't have another girl, just enjoying doing her hair, picking outfits, playing with her toys. Also I wonder about the order I had my children if I had had my two boys first and then dd, I don't think I would have tried for a sister for dd I think I would just have been so delighted to finally have my girl! Sorry for the rambling post I have tonsillitis and am feeling ill!

Really have enjoyed reading your posts on this thread ladies x

[Greydore]

I find boys to be much more whiney than girls to be honest. LOL. Those kind of things are personality traits and parenting related, not gender related. :)


I've found the opposite, at least with the family and friends in my life. Most say their boys are harder as littles but are easier older. My grandma always joked that she would take 4 boys over 2 girls, lol. Of course personality matters and I know plenty of whiny boys, my nephew being one!

[Greydore]

My boy is SO whiney! Even more than my nieces!! It's definitely a personality thing!

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My oldest is almost the exact same age as yours, and he can definitely be whiny! I think I just have much less patience for other people's kids in general, so I tend to notice their negative traits more and look past my own kids' negatives. Just typing this out made me realize I would obviously love a daughter as much as my sons, because she would be mine :)

[atomic sagebrush]

Something about this post really resonated with me. I always wanted and loved babies, and was raised as an only child by parents who loved me, but constantly talked down about pregnancy/babies/childbearing. My decision to marry and have children young came as a disappointment. I'm still nervous about announcing my next pregnancy, actually.

I didn't tell my dad I was pregnant until I was 7 months pregnant with DS 3 and DD. I just didn't need anyone saying crap to me (since what I was doing was somewhat frowned upon by society as a whole due to my age). And I was like 40 years old and had been married for 20 years :p (he took it fine, but his general attitude is that I'm crazy and have made terrible mistakes pretty much my whole life)

Interestingly, his daughter from his second marriage (also raised as an only child, just like I was) is childless by choice and he seems equally disapproving of that. Maybe some people are just jerks. ;)

[maximbella]

I grew up one of four girls and just love the relationship that I have with each of my sisters. I know that it's unique and not everyone that has a sister is this close, but I always knew growing up that I wanted to have girls and give them the built-in lifelong friendship of a sister. I have a few friends with mixed siblings that are closer to their brothers than their sisters, and again, I don't think that having a sister automatically means a close relationship. However, if the dynamic is right, I do think that there is nothing more beautiful than the mother/daughter and sister/sister bond. All of that said, I can imagine that if I had DS's, I would love the relationship just as much...I just don't have personal data to comment on it.

[atomic sagebrush]

I find boys to be much more whiney than girls to be honest. LOL. Those kind of things are personality traits and parenting related, not gender related. :)

And I hope that everyone can judge my comments based on my 8+ years of being supportive and inclusive to everyone on the boards. I am just saying that as a whole, with quite a lot of experience under my belt, on occasion I have found there to be a particular ~something~ to ~some~ little girls' behavior that I don't always super love. The whole "I'm not gonna be your friend any more" kind of thing. Even in myself growing up, I have some huge, huge regrets over how I treated people at times. And while I'm sure there are boys that do this (my son had a friend growing up who was just an absolute little sh--) it was not anywhere near as widespread as it seems to be among girls.

Fact is, little boys can be annoying too. (my boys are stereotypically loud and destructive at times and also whiny as all get out, so there you go) Yes, they like babies. But my daughter is OBSESSED with babies, almost concerningly so. And it did not come from me, because we have a house full of Legos and trucks and she has like 2 dolls but she was like this pretty much since the moment she could motate herself around. It's just an interesting observation. My husband and I were highly, highly motivated to not be "those" parents who pushed gender stereotypes onto her and tried really hard not to, but we've both just had moments where we looked at each other and had to admit "wow she's actually kind of different than the boys were."

Personally, I'm not a believer in the "Blank Slate" theory. I do think that there are some innate differences and this has been proven to my satisfaction by my life experience and by studies. If boys and girls were really truly all the same and this was all a social construct I don't think this desire would cut so deep for us. If all we cared about was genitals, then we really WOULD be monsters, LOL. Down deep I think we probably realize that there are some differences that are innate and that is probably what is at the root of our GD to some extent. This doesn't mean that anyone will die from a broken heart or miss out on the best experience in the whole wide world if you don't parent both genders. It doesn't mean that parenting isn't of primary import in how kids come out. The innate differences are minor and parenting is huge.

I am sure we can all agree there are some great things about boys, and some great things about girls. Bad things too.
It is not meant as a detraction of girls as a whole or boys as a whole to talk about some of those things. Something can be both inconsequential but real.

If someone wants to a) express concern about some stereotypical gender based behaviors that they have a hard time dealing with or fear, or b) make themselves feel a little better about GD by exploring the reality that they do have some mixed feelings about even their desired gender, that's ok in my book as long as it's done with some sensitivity (and trust me, when you come across a person who's being deliberately nasty it's pretty obvious)

[atomic sagebrush]

I find this whole thread really interesting, I think I really try to reflect on my own gd in a way to process it and move on that it has been fascinating hearing from others!

What I understand about my own gender desire, is that my relationship with my own mother has never been optimal, we are very close but I have always been more like the parent. I only have one sibling a brother and I feel i carry the burden of having to manage my mother as my brother is more distant for her. I have always idealised the role of a sister and wonder if at some level I felt it would have eased my burden? But also maybe provided me with the unconditional relationship female I did not have. I realise all sisters don't have that relationship. Having not had that I viewed a dd as a way to have it. My dd was my first and I would have to say having her was the most contenting experience of my life, I gave birth to her naturally, she was a dream to breast feed and it gave me a real sense of this is what am here to do to be her mother and I can provide everything she needs. I think in part my gender disappointment is because my dd is becoming more independent, needs me less and it was a desire to recreate that initial experience with dd with another. I realise now that your relationship with dc 2 and 3 is just different because you already have a child to consider. I feel that in some way my feelings of disappointment got attached to gender when possibly it would have been the same if dc 2 had been another girl. What I have learnt is to enjoy every moment with all of my children, especially my dd because I won't have another girl, just enjoying doing her hair, picking outfits, playing with her toys. Also I wonder about the order I had my children if I had had my two boys first and then dd, I don't think I would have tried for a sister for dd I think I would just have been so delighted to finally have my girl! Sorry for the rambling post I have tonsillitis and am feeling ill!

Really have enjoyed reading your posts on this thread ladies x

:agree: I do think a fair chunk of gender disappointment is in part parenting disappointment. When I was in the throes of GD, mainly when I was pregnant with DS3, sometimes my older sons would do stuff - totally normal, kid stuff like not doing the dishes, being difficult with their studies, didn't want to do something I really wanted them to do, etc. and I would have a dark thought in my heart that if only they had been girls they wouldn't have been like this. These are the two nicest, most helpful kids in the whole wide world, and I never had one iota of gender disappointment with either of them, but because they were not PERFECT every moment I would have these thoughts.

There is often something magic about your first child that is just never quite the same with later kids, I think. I love all my kids, of course, but the level of blind adoration I had for my first son was like a bolt from the blue. And then my second son was sick constantly and I was also sick constantly (with something very scary and mysterious that no one knew how to fix) when he was small and I was terrified something would happen to him or me, so I had this insane level of bonding with him, too. I just felt he'd be taken from me or I'd be taken from him so I just showered him with affection constantly and then he was my baby for 13 years after that. My husband worked constantly back then so it was mostly just the three of us with no distractions. They were pretty much my whole universe.

It's not that I don't love my 3 younger ones just as much, of course, because I do. It's just that now I work and have 5 kids instead of 2 and my husband is here more. The intensity is different. I'm much less focused on them (and that sounds like a bad thing but it isn't) . I can't recapture those magical feelings I had for my first two kids. And it's probably a good thing because my 3 little ones are much more independent than my first two are - but at the same time, it's not as much "fun" as I remember it being the first time through. Sometimes it feels like more of a chore. But it's because I'm spread thinner and I'm not in this weird ethereal zone with just me and my babies like I was before. I can easily imagine how, if your DG was your first child, everything would get all tangled up together emotionally speaking and it could end up contributing to your gender disappointment. :)

[Greydore]

:agree: I do think a fair chunk of gender disappointment is in part parenting disappointment. When I was in the throes of GD, mainly when I was pregnant with DS3, sometimes my older sons would do stuff - totally normal, kid stuff like not doing the dishes, being difficult with their studies, didn't want to do something I really wanted them to do, etc. and I would have a dark thought in my heart that if only they had been girls they wouldn't have been like this. These are the two nicest, most helpful kids in the whole wide world, and I never had one iota of gender disappointment with either of them, but because they were not PERFECT every moment I would have these thoughts.

There is often something magic about your first child that is just never quite the same with later kids, I think. I love all my kids, of course, but the level of blind adoration I had for my first son was like a bolt from the blue. And then my second son was sick constantly and I was also sick constantly (with something very scary and mysterious that no one knew how to fix) when he was small and I was terrified something would happen to him or me, so I had this insane level of bonding with him, too. I just felt he'd be taken from me or I'd be taken from him so I just showered him with affection constantly and then he was my baby for 13 years after that. My husband worked constantly back then so it was mostly just the three of us with no distractions. They were pretty much my whole universe.

It's not that I don't love my 3 younger ones just as much, of course, because I do. It's just that now I work and have 5 kids instead of 2 and my husband is here more. The intensity is different. I'm much less focused on them (and that sounds like a bad thing but it isn't) . I can't recapture those magical feelings I had for my first two kids. And it's probably a good thing because my 3 little ones are much more independent than my first two are - but at the same time, it's not as much "fun" as I remember it being the first time through. Sometimes it feels like more of a chore. But it's because I'm spread thinner and I'm not in this weird ethereal zone with just me and my babies like I was before. I can easily imagine how, if your DG was your first child, everything would get all tangled up together emotionally speaking and it could end up contributing to your gender disappointment. :)

My oldest was a really difficult baby, but I bonded with him SO fiercely. It was love at first sight, despite the fact that he was only letting me sleep 45 min at a time. He's 3 now and maybe it's his personality, but that kid is the least independent kid you'll ever meet, and he's still insanely attached to me. Second son is 1 and we didn't have the love at first sight because I felt like I was cheating on older son! He has completely won me over though and I can't imagine life without him :) Patt of the reason I want to have a third is so I can learn to chill out as a parent and hopefully help my kids be more independent.

[Greydore]

I grew up one of four girls and just love the relationship that I have with each of my sisters. I know that it's unique and not everyone that has a sister is this close, but I always knew growing up that I wanted to have girls and give them the built-in lifelong friendship of a sister. I have a few friends with mixed siblings that are closer to their brothers than their sisters, and again, I don't think that having a sister automatically means a close relationship. However, if the dynamic is right, I do think that there is nothing more beautiful than the mother/daughter and sister/sister bond. All of that said, I can imagine that if I had DS's, I would love the relationship just as much...I just don't have personal data to comment on it.

That's so awesome that you have such an amazing relationship with your sisters and mother! I went to college with a woman who was 1 of 4 daughters, and they had such a great bond. They've all graduated now and run a business together. I'm 1 of 4 sisters as well, but due to big age differences and personalities, we aren't as close as some sisters are. We still talk often and see each other a ton, just don't have that best friend bond that some sisters do.

[maximbella]

Greydore, how far apart are you guys? We also have large spacing between the older two and then me and my little sister (I'm #3), but I think that our personalities just work together. I've come to understand that personalities make the difference, not age! I know we are the exception, not the rule, and I also attribute the majority of our closeness to my moms parenting. She just had a way to always connect us. I'm doing the best that I can to replicate it with my girls and they are close as can be at this point (praying it doesn't change over the years). It's because of this that I sway so hard for another DD. I know that I would absolutely LOVE a little boy, but I also fear that dynamic with me and my DD's.

[Greydore]

Greydore, how far apart are you guys? We also have large spacing between the older two and then me and my little sister (I'm #3), but I think that our personalities just work together. I've come to understand that personalities make the difference, not age! I know we are the exception, not the rule, and I also attribute the majority of our closeness to my moms parenting. She just had a way to always connect us. I'm doing the best that I can to replicate it with my girls and they are close as can be at this point (praying it doesn't change over the years). It's because of this that I sway so hard for another DD. I know that I would absolutely LOVE a little boy, but I also fear that dynamic with me and my DD's.


My youngest sister and I are 16 years part. She's only 12, so we are in very different stages of life (obviously). The sister closest to me in age is 2 years younger. We were very close when we were little, we played nonstop and continued to be close as teenagers and got along with each other's groups of friends. We aren't as close now for many different reasons, but we still have a good sisterly relationship, if that makes any sense at all? If it's any consolation, with the ages of your girls, they will adore a baby of either gender :)

[maximbella]

Thanks, Greydore! And I agree....they are in love with their baby cousins (both boys and girls), so I do agree! :) Praying we have the opportunity to let them enjoy a little sibling!

[kittendreams]

I've been thinking more about this lately, and am reconsidering whether I want to sway or not. Do I really want a girl? I don't know...it seems like it would be nice to have the gender that we don't have, just to experience both. But other than that I don't yearn for a daughter. I don't moon over little girls when I'm out running errands. I saw a dad and his 3 boys at Target today and it made me smile- I was happy thinking that that could be my husband and our boys. I don't feel sad that I can't buy pink clothes (I actually hate pink, haha). I don't long for a deep mother-daughter bond, because it truly is not a guarantee. The activities I enjoy I do with my sons- my oldest loves baking, reading, and even asks for his nails painted :) my youngest is such a snuggle bug. I used to nanny full time for a family of 2 boys and 2 girls, and while I loved them all, I connected with the boys more, and I've always had a soft spot for little boys in general. Anyways, I have a few months to decide if I'll be swaying or not!

I understand what you mean greydore.
I don't moon over little girls and actually always tend to bond better with and relate better to boys whether they be nephews or students ( I am a teacher). I was also a major tomboy and did not have a girl as a friend until I was 12 or so ( aside from my younger sister).
I love my two boys and just think they are wonderful. As a young person I always envisioned having a baby boy and now I have two. My desire for a girl stems purely from being left by my own mother so I yearn to experience a mother daughter relationship ( whatever that means) and to have the chance to raise a daughter with the opportunities I never had.
In my family girls are scarce so are definitely more desired. Everyone was disappointed with my second boy except me. He is my angel!

[Greydore]

I understand what you mean greydore.
I don't moon over little girls and actually always tend to bond better with and relate better to boys whether they be nephews or students ( I am a teacher). I was also a major tomboy and did not have a girl as a friend until I was 12 or so ( aside from my younger sister).
I love my two boys and just think they are wonderful. As a young person I always envisioned having a baby boy and now I have two. My desire for a girl stems purely from being left by my own mother so I yearn to experience a mother daughter relationship ( whatever that means) and to have the chance to raise a daughter with the opportunities I never had.
In my family girls are scarce so are definitely more desired. Everyone was disappointed with my second boy except me. He is my angel!

Our boys look to be close in age! I'm sorry about your mother...that's just awful. Thankfully there was no disappointment when my second was a boy; my side is extremely girl heavy and my husband's side just truly does not care. Good luck and I hope you get your girl :)

[bugandbee]

I find this whole thread really interesting, I think I really try to reflect on my own gd in a way to process it and move on that it has been fascinating hearing from others!

What I understand about my own gender desire, is that my relationship with my own mother has never been optimal, we are very close but I have always been more like the parent. I only have one sibling a brother and I feel i carry the burden of having to manage my mother as my brother is more distant for her. I have always idealised the role of a sister and wonder if at some level I felt it would have eased my burden? But also maybe provided me with the unconditional relationship female I did not have. I realise all sisters don't have that relationship. Having not had that I viewed a dd as a way to have it. My dd was my first and I would have to say having her was the most contenting experience of my life, I gave birth to her naturally, she was a dream to breast feed and it gave me a real sense of this is what am here to do to be her mother and I can provide everything she needs. I think in part my gender disappointment is because my dd is becoming more independent, needs me less and it was a desire to recreate that initial experience with dd with another. I realise now that your relationship with dc 2 and 3 is just different because you already have a child to consider. I feel that in some way my feelings of disappointment got attached to gender when possibly it would have been the same if dc 2 had been another girl. What I have learnt is to enjoy every moment with all of my children, especially my dd because I won't have another girl, just enjoying doing her hair, picking outfits, playing with her toys. Also I wonder about the order I had my children if I had had my two boys first and then dd, I don't think I would have tried for a sister for dd I think I would just have been so delighted to finally have my girl! Sorry for the rambling post I have tonsillitis and am feeling ill!

Really have enjoyed reading your posts on this thread ladies x

You have summed up my GD and experience growing up to a T! I had a DS first which was full of wonder as he was my first baby and made me a mom - but I was slightly stunned when he wasn't a girl at my 20 week ultrasound. Thus was the start of my gender desire which I didn't even know I had until he wasn't a she! As magical as my first pregnancy was with my DS, knowing I had a DD coming was the most wonderful experience ever. She was a horrid infant and the first year was so hard but I LOVED every second of being a mother to a baby girl. She brought out something in me I didn't even know I had and I've yearned for an experience like that again with another DD - and to give her a sister (also something I never had but wished for very much). The magic of my girl pregnancy wasn't there with my 2nd DS and isn't here again with my 3rd DS (in utero). I love my 2nd DS so much and he's a wonderful addition to our family, but I wonder if I had had 2 boys first and then my DD, would it be different. I've always wanted a big family and have hoped to have more than one girl to foster and experience the sisterly relationship. We thought 3 was it, now we're heading into 4... the news of another DS has me wondering ever so slightly about hoping #5 could be another DD.