If you have or grew up in a "large" family....

[begonia]

Background:
Since I grew up as one half of a pigeon pair, and so did DH, to us a "large" family is really anything bigger than 2 siblings :) And I know there are a LOT of ladies on here with 3+ already, and probably a lot who grew up that way too.

I have a very fractured family and growing up was kind of on my own, and really as an adult still am, although obviously now I have DH and my kids. Holidays are really just us, plus either my mom, or his parents. So 6 people max, LOL.

Questions:
On raising a larger family: What do you love about it? How do you manage to still be intentional with each child? What are the upsides of having several of the same gender? And downsides ... but if you offer a downside please offer how you cope with it so I don't get too terrified!

On growing up in a large family: Especially if as adults you ended up close to siblings and or parents, I'd love to hear what some things were that your parents did that made you close as a family. Some of it I do think comes down to the personalities of the kids, and those we can't control, but I do believe parenting plays a crucial role in how a family evolves as the kids age, so I'd love to hear what you think worked and what you plan to do with your family.

[Mochagirl]

I grew up in a family of 4 kids (where I was the youngest and only girl), and now I'm going to have 4 kids as well. Honestly, when I look back at my childhood, I never remember not getting enough attention from my parents. I don't feel like I missed out on anything by being in a big family, and there were lots of benefits. One of those is that there's always someone to play with. This is great from the perspective of the kids, but also great from the perspective of the parents - I notice that my friends with one or two kids have a much harder time keeping their kids entertained than I do. Now that ds3 is finally old enough to play with his big brothers, they will play together (and fight, unfortunately) all day long.

Another thing I like is that you never get lonely. This Thanksgiving we didn't go anywhere (we normally go to my Mom's house with all my brothers and their families) and it could have ended up being quite depressing, but our house is always full and chaotic, so even when it's just us here, it can feel like a celebration. I know that my aunt always envied my Mom her chaotic house at Christmas, especially now that we all arrive with our spouses and kids - 8 going on 9 grandchildren. My aunt only had two kids, neither of whom had children, so Christmas is always quiet and lonely at their house.

[begonia]

Thanks Mocha :) I'm having a not-so-great day with the GD and I thought some heartwarming stories (like yours) would help me feel better about having a larger family, even if it is all daughters. It's interesting that you grew up the youngest and only daughter with 3 older brothers ... did your mom long for a girl too, do you know?

[Mochagirl]

We've talked a bit about it. She thought her ds3 was a boy (this was long before u/s existed) and had a closet full of pink clothes waiting at home when she went to the hospital to have him. She said she wouldn't believe the doctor when he said it was a boy and was in complete shock, but fell in love with him immediately.

As far as I know, I wasn't a planned pregnancy, but she has spent my entire life telling me what a gift I was. She and I are best friends, and I think our relationship has fed my GD all along - obviously I want what she and I have with a daughter of my own.

She knows about the swaying (not all the details, but she knows about the diet), and I know she thinks I'm crazy - she keeps telling me she didn't do anything different to have me. However, I think she understands why I swayed. She knows how desperately I want a girl, and she's been telling me since the day my twins were born that she hopes I get to experience having a daughter someday.

And yes, I've always kept it in the back of my head that I was the youngest of 4 and the only girl, and here I am having my 4th child and praying it will be a girl too. At least I'd be able to give her lots of advice about what it's like to grow up with 3 older brothers ;).

[nuthinbutpink]

My parents were the best. 100% involved with all of us. My dad was home every night, mom cooked, we ate at the table as a family every night. My childhood is my family. There were a lot of us but like the PP poster said, I was never lonely and certainly never neglected or overlooked.

I have 4 and I feel certain mine don't feel neglected at all, even with the baby. We do a lot of stuff together as a family. You don't have to carve out time everyday for each of your kids. We do homework together, eat together, we put them to bed in a divide and conquer way but switch it up so we each spend time with the kids throughout the week reading to them, etc.

4 is hard. I am usually exhausted but our neighbor who has one child said to me tonight that because of being around us, she wants a second child so badly- that is the best compliment we've gotten in a while! She said just watching the kids play together, etc. it makes her want to have a bigger family.

True, the kids have their own personalities but for us, just like my parents, it is up to DH and I to control the dynamic and set the tone. The kids follow our lead.

[begonia]

I think our relationship has fed my GD all along - obviously I want what she and I have with a daughter of my own.


This is interesting bc there is no doubt in my mind part of the reason I wanted sons was precisely because my mom and I have had a very poor relationship for as long as I can remember. Also, she grew up with 2 sisters and they were flat-out AWFUL people; the few interactions I had with them as a child are memorable only bc they were scary! I think one is still in prison TBH. She had a miserable relationship with her mother. So really my "model" for a mother-daughter, or even sister, relationship is not one I intend to follow, nor is it one that gives me warm-fuzzies when I think of having daughters. I know I can change that pattern with my girls and I will do everything I can to build a relationship with them more like what you and your mom seem to have.

It makes complete sense why you would want a daughter if you're that close with your mom, particularly if she has told you what a gift you were to her. I can see where that makes the GD harder and I'm so sorry for that.

[begonia]

My parents were the best. 100% involved with all of us. My dad was home every night, mom cooked, we ate at the table as a family every night. My childhood is my family. There were a lot of us but like the PP poster said, I was never lonely and certainly never neglected or overlooked.
^^I hope my kids can say something like this one day. What a great tribute.

I have 4 and I feel certain mine don't feel neglected at all, even with the baby. We do a lot of stuff together as a family. You don't have to carve out time everyday for each of your kids. We do homework together, eat together, we put them to bed in a divide and conquer way but switch it up so we each spend time with the kids throughout the week reading to them, etc.

4 is hard. I am usually exhausted but our neighbor who has one child said to me tonight that because of being around us, she wants a second child so badly- that is the best compliment we've gotten in a while! She said just watching the kids play together, etc. it makes her want to have a bigger family.

True, the kids have their own personalities but for us, just like my parents, it is up to DH and I to control the dynamic and set the tone. The kids follow our lead.

This is all good for me to read ... excellent point re: kids following your lead. It is one thing I am so cognizant of yet so terrified of at the same time. I wish so badly I had a better model from my own childhood, but instead I'm just leaning on my heaping helping of the "what not to dos" that I got from my own parents.

I appreciate y'all chiming in though; it really does help me envision how fun this can all be in the next several years, and that helps with the GD because it makes me think about my family, my children, and not about their gender.

[TTC5]

I came from a family of 7 kids and despite everyone saying to me OMG what a big family, it actually never felt big to me lol!

I am so close with my sisters I love it and this is what I love about having all girls myself because I know they will get this same enjoyment too, hopefully :)

Downsides to having all girls... I am not sure there is any to be honest!

[KnockYourBallsOff]

I love this thread!!!! I was wondering the same thing! DH and I come from fractured families and Christmas is always so quiet, it really stinks. We are thinking 2 more kiddos, so 5 total and I am homeschooling so that they can really have a strong sense of family. YAY for big families!!!!!

[DoulaMama]

On raising a larger family: What do you love about it? Hmmm.....well some days I hate it(totally honest). Most days I love it. I'm pretty darn sure that the bad days are only because I have 3 VERY close in age and I'm with them ALL DAY LONG. I'm a SAHM who homeschools and somedays I want to find the nearest bridge...if you catch my drift;) The things I love- having so much love in our house. Everyone gets along really well and the kids love being together. The enjoy the same things, we all love camping and hanging out in the outdoors. I love seeing how each one has their own distinct personality. The laughs we have....seeing all 3 kids rush to the door to greet their dad...it makes my heart melt:) The hard times are hard, such as today when my 3.5yo found my mothers lip tint under the couch(she must have dropped it) and proceeded to write all over our beige couches, the wall, the carpet, my books, the wood furniture, our flat screen....I nearly died(and he was pretty close too ;)) Those moments I would rather forget...but hey...that's my life.

How do you manage to still be intentional with each child? I do try to get out with each one of the children by themselves each weekend. I've taken my oldest and middle out to a movie, out to lunch, etc. They really love just having my hubby and myself all to themselves. I also do quiet time with either my oldest or middle each night. Read books, talk about stuff. Other than that, we just hang out together and each one needs to realize that I can't be there for them every second of the day. My oldest DC feeds the baby his lunch and cleans off his tray, wipes his hands and gets him down from his high chair. He really loves helping me and it's so nice that he's up for that kind of stuff.
What are the upsides of having several of the same gender? And downsides ... but if you offer a downside please offer how you cope with it so I don't get too terrified! Upsides...Well, I don't know any different so I guess I can't say. They all get along but I think they would if there was a girl thrown in there too. They seem to like the rough and tumble stuff...but I used to love that too. I think that the only downside of having 3 boys is the fact that I can't use any of my pretty girly fabric or sewing patterns on them... ;) LOL

On growing up in a large family: I came from an insanely small family. Counting both sets of grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and ourselves....there were 12 of us. Plus we never lived anywhere near most of our family so christmas and Easter, Birthdays...all were very quiet. I hated it. I met my DH and he was one of 4 boys...35 cousins....HUGE family get-togethers....I was in heaven. I knew I wanted a large family(agreed on 2 kids but knew in my heart I would most likely want more...thank goodness he was ok with that!!) and I'm happy to be getting that!! 4 kids should be lots of fun!!
xoxoxo

[begonia]

I came from a family of 7 kids and despite everyone saying to me OMG what a big family, it actually never felt big to me lol!

I am so close with my sisters I love it and this is what I love about having all girls myself because I know they will get this same enjoyment too, hopefully :)

Downsides to having all girls... I am not sure there is any to be honest!

Awww, TTC5, you're fab :) No downsides to all girls, love that. Your girls are blessed to have you as a mum. FX you get to add some blue soon!

[begonia]

DM thanks for the detailed reply, I love it! It totally helps :) This thread has actually been really good for my GD; I keep re-reading it when I'm not feeling great. Thank you everyone for sharing, it's awesome to read!

[SpicyTunaSushi]

I am liking this thread too. i was just talking to someone about this. I think exhaustion is just a fact of having kids. At least you can have older kids to chores. :)

[Hobbermittens]

I am glad that you started this thread, begonia! I am sort of freaking out about having a 4th, so reading this has helped me.

I never thought 3 was a big family, but that's what I have now, and that's what I grew up with. I wanted a 3rd because 2 just didn't seem like enough; I didn't feel done.

My kids get along well. There is a bigger gap between #2 and #3 than there was between the first two, so the first two are like a team, while the baby follows them around and bothers them mostly (but she's 18 months old, so that's her job, right? :wink:). My eldest is actually pretty tolerant of the baby, and helpful with her. My son loves the baby too, but she is always knocking over his block towers and trying to eat his legos, so he is a little less tolerant of her. But I know in a year or two, once she really understands how to play, they will all have fun together!

We don't really have an issue with not having time for everyone. When I go to the grocery store, sometimes I will take just one kid with me, and they feel special when they get to do that. DH does the same when he runs errands. We have family game night, and we try to do something as a family on weekends. We always eat together, too.

I liked being part of a family of 3 kids, and I only remember not seeing my dad much because he worked ALL the time. That had nothing to do with the amount of kids in the family, though--he's a workahlic. He was around some, though, and he made good use of his time with us. He played with me a lot, and on weekends, he would take each of us on "dates" with him (out to eat somewhere we chose). So he did have good quality time with us. My mom was a SAHM and did everything--cooked, cleaned, etc.--so she was busy, but she was always there for us.

As far as me and my siblings, I remember there being a lot of ganging up among us kids, 2 against 1. When we were really young, my brother and I were close, and we used to gang up on my sister; but once I got to be about 11 or 12, and I wanted to be left alone, they younger two ganged upon me. We still had lots of fun, though, and I am glad I grew up in a bigger family. Especially now, because my brother and I haven't had a great relationship recently, and if it weren't for my sister, it would be pretty lonely. My sister and I are close, and we talk often (we live 3 states away from each other). I am really glad to have her! Plus, my brother chose not to have children, so my sister and I have all the grandkids. I am so glad she has kids, so my kids have cousins!

My DH is an only child, and though he doesn't say he was lonely as a kid, he does admit that sometimes he had no one to play with other than the dog!

[begonia]

I liked being part of a family of 3 kids, and I only remember not seeing my dad much because he worked ALL the time. That had nothing to do with the amount of kids in the family, though--he's a workahlic. He was around some, though, and he made good use of his time with us. He played with me a lot, and on weekends, he would take each of us on "dates" with him (out to eat somewhere we chose). So he did have good quality time with us. My mom was a SAHM and did everything--cooked, cleaned, etc.--so she was busy, but she was always there for us.


My DH is an only child, and though he doesn't say he was lonely as a kid, he does admit that sometimes he had no one to play with other than the dog!

This is pretty much our family - Monday thru Friday my girls see Dad for a kiss goodbye in the morning (sometimes, not always) and a kiss goodnight at bedtime. I'm very much a one-woman-show when it comes to weekday parenting. If there's something special going on at DD's school, things like that he will always show up for if he has enough notice to clear his schedule. On the weekends though he's really great about quality time with them and they eat it up :)

LOL about your DH not having anyone to play with besides the dog! Most people I know who were only children say they want 3 or 4 kids. I don't know many that necessarily disliked being an only, they just seem to want a bigger family themselves.

OH and I was talking to a friend today who was one of 3 girls and I thought it was a cute idea that her parents had. When they were growing up they had "Sister's Choice Sunday" where it was really just family day, and once a month each girl had a turn to pick what was for dinner and what game or movie they would do as a family that night. On the 4th Sunday it was Parents Pick :) Anyhow that could easily be for any gender mix, not just sisters!

[Lilian78]

I shouldn't respond because I grew up in a small family, but thought it might be helpful to add that I don't like coming from a small family. I only have one sibiling, and I'm not close to him . . . I don't even have a big extended family, which also sucks :) And things have been in the past few years very tough in my immediate family (my dad had a heart attack/stroke . . . brain damage, etc.), and most of the family responsibilities have fallen on me. So honestly, from a child's perspective, I think there are very few (if any) true downsides to having a big family. There are plenty of reasons for parents to have fewer children (let's face it, kids can be challenging, time-consuming, and expensive), but I think there are far more benefits to children from large families than small.

[chachamama]

I love this post!! DH & I are really struggling with the decision to have 1 more child or to have 2 more children - and it's important since we are still going through the adoption process (nothing yet, ugh!).. We are to the point where we are considering TTC again and possibly adoptiong #4. But we aren't sure if we are cut out for 4 kids..

I come from a VERY small family and to be honest, I didn't like anything about having a small family. I never had anyone to play with and it felt lonely.

I envision myself when my kids are grown and I want holidays, Sunday dinners, etc. to be full and loud and chaotic. <3

[TTC5]

Awww, TTC5, you're fab :) No downsides to all girls, love that. Your girls are blessed to have you as a mum. FX you get to add some blue soon!

Thankyou B xx You are a great mumma too =D

[ELP]

I've no time this morning B, but I'll be adding on a million points for you asap ok! I want at least 7 bubbas out of you and thats final:bigsmile:

[rainbowflower]

I'm one of 4 (we're all girls, I'm the eldest). We are all really close and always have been. If we ever looked like we might fall out my mum would remind us that sisters are for life and we would not make it into such a huge deal. I never felt like I didn't get enough attention, but did enjoy going out alone with them to do general things. One special thing I always did with my dad before he died was the two of us would drive down to my Grandmas house on Christmas Day to bring her up for lunch, I always loved doing that.

My DH is one of 4 full-siblings too (he's the only boy, but did have two much older half-brothers), and says he felt picked on by all his sisters and always longed for a brother similar to his age. He tells me they'd gang up on him... Saying that, he did get spoiled a bit by his parents now and again and had his own room and own TV in it where his sisters all had to share.

Ideally we'd like 4 if money allowed, but I don't think it will allow!

[love being a mummy]

I am classed as having a large family because I have 5 children but to me it doesn't really feel that big.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I only had 2 children but most of the time I dream about the future, about xmas time and the big family get togethers all my children and grandchildren together.
I am one of 3, I am the oldest and only girl.
My mother was one of 9 so I had lots of cousins and I loved xmas day at nans house when we were all together. So to me it felt like I grew up in a large family.

I never planned on having 5 children but I don't regret it at all. I would like to have another son one day I have 1boy and 4girls.

Questions:
On raising a larger family: What do you love about it? So many people to love, so much love in return, family events,
How do you manage to still be intentional with each child? You will find ways, it all depends on what the child likes / dislikes.
What are the upsides of having several of the same gender? Sharing clothes lol
And downsides ... but if you offer a downside please offer how you cope with it so I don't get too terrified! Only real downside I have faced is the comments from other people, when you have girl after girl people can be negative and say "oh not another girl, you poor thing" :( makes me sad to hear that, cause I don't feel like that at all.

[purplepoet20]

My childhood is a time I would love to forget and my family :broken: Everything from my dad not knowing I existed, My mother blaming me for everything wrong in her life (stuff before I was born), My sibs treating me like we are not related, And the abuse that was ignored.

I want to start a big family of my own so I can start fresh... lots of babies!

I love to hear my kids talk and they love that I listen, even to DS2 baby talk. DS1 loves to cook with me and he is so proud. My boys know that I am always there to play, read, talk, or hug. Little things are the key to wonderful memories.

[nicnee1976]

I was one of 3 (1 bro, 1 sis) and DH an only child. We are expecting our fourth baby. I had a terrible childhood. My older sister was a bully and she turned my younger brother against me, so I spent all of my teenage life alone in my bedroom. I lost all confidence in myself and cried a lot. I hated christmas due to the evil sister and holidays etc.

Luckily at the moment in my family I do not have any of the bullying that I endured, nor do I allow it to happen here. I have 3 boys and they have an amazing bond. They squabble a bit, but nothing malicious at the moment. My older 2 are very close, and the youngest adores my middle son. I do not know if this baby is a boy or girl yet, due in 7 weeks.

What I love about my little family is that they all have very different personalities and they don't need me to be with them one on one so much, because they entertain each other a lot. I love their little ways and the fact that life is never dull. I don't have time to do loads of one-on-one stuff with the older 2, but I read with them every night without fail. My older 2 are academically advanced, so I'm sure I can't be doing too much wrong. My youngest is bright too, but a bit early to see how academic he is.

The downsides are: going on days out - cost a fortune!!, trying to co-ordinate each of their individual needs, mornings, tea-time and bedtime are bonkers at times!!

I am a bit daunted about having this next baby and how our life will again be thrown into chaos, but I figure it will only be for 6 months or so until some order is restored and time will fly!!

[DoulaMama]

Good point Nicnee...another downside is hotels, travel, costs of holidays...cost of everything! Food bills are CRAZY here and I can only imagine with 3..or 4 boys that it's going to get much worse! LOL But, I try to save when I can. We don't go on many holidays anyway so we'll just have to save for a bit longer for Disneyland etc. I would rather have a large family and not have as many goodies anyway:) xoxo

[nicnee1976]

I agree Doulamama. I budget for Xmas, they all get £100 worth of gifts each, and I never go overboard. I'm sure that will change when they are older and want more expensive stuff, but I hope by then to be able to work more hours and earn more money!! I'm dreading it if they all want to go to Uni, with Uni fees here going through the roof!!

We still do 1 or 2 holidays a year, but try to do it as cheaply as possible. We too would love to do Disney. We went to Florida to go to Disney and Universal before we had kids and it is our dream to go back and take them.

I too dread to food bills in 10 years time!! Lots of potatoes and pasta I think!!

But at least with lots of kids even if 2 of them don't get along, there is a good chance they will get along with the others. I felt as a child that since I did not get on with my sister, I had nobody else. I never planned on having 4. I just never felt finished after the others were born, but this time I know I'm too old to do this again and I feel like enough is enough now.

[Mochagirl]

We gave up holidays long ago when I decided to become a SAHM. Unless we can drive there and stay for free, we don't go. We have to fly across the country to visit dh's family this Christmas, and the plane tickets alone are going to cost well over $3000. It's going to KILL our budget for many months and drive us further into debt, but we haven't been there in a year and a half, so dh really wants to see his family.

And yes, I dread the years when we'll have 3 (or 4) teenage boys in the house eating everything in sight. Hopefully by then I'll be working again, though, and with 2 incomes things wouldn't be quite as tight.

[ELP]

Right!! Part 1!!

I am 1 of 6, now we are grown up we adore each other, as kids it was the usual battles. BGGGB then 1/2B:agree: I was 2nd.

IMO we as children, remember very little from when we were children! Hopefully, as adults, we come away with an overall feeling of confidence and security which is from knowing we were loved not from foreign holidays and trips to the zoo. I find its more about the people your family mould you to become than shared rooms, or the latest consoles. We are raising adults at the end of the day:agree:

Ask yourself what was the best day of your life? What day would you re-live if you could? I'm sure it wouldn't be one from your childhood but one from recently with your own children, so what is the best thing a parent can give their child? the ability to become a parent! And if their never born then they will never know that amazing feeling:) (Sorry it took so long to get to this point lol!)

[ELP]

Part 2!!

The best things about having a large family!
The security from being from a big group is great. My kids always have someone looking out for them. they are rarely picked on in school, and very confident in the class room. If the younger kids have an issue they will sometimes go to one of their older siblings to help solve it before feeling the need to call in the big guns (thats me:bigsmile) This also takes some of the headache of dealing with bickering 5 yr olds in the park off of myself, not that its a duty I avoid! But if my elders can explain to kids throwing chestnuts that they make take someones eye out then I can get on with the dinner:agree:

I have very often found that kids from a big family are extremely well behaved! They all have their wild side but you won't often see a child from a large group throwing a tantrum! they must learn from the others that acting like a wally just makes you look like a wally, not good! They are often very polite and ask for nothing, again because they are usually used to be being told, 'sorry darling, we just don't have it today' (see bad things about a big family:)).

And main grea thing about the gang is just that they are all totally gorgeous! And you will fall in love as fast and as deeply with every one as you did the 1st:) And you can tell yourself 'If I never had you, you wouldn't be here' and is such a gift to give:HH:

Theres a 1000 things more but I'm sure these are the main points lol!

[ELP]

Part 3:bigsmile:

The worst things about a big family!
On a practical side, laundry lol!!! Flippin hate the stuff, dont we all:) Wear and tear on the house! I'd be embarassed for you to walk into my house, not because its dirty as I work hard to keep it looking like a warzone! But, stains on carpets, I can't keep up with, doors popped off thier hinges, so frames need replacing, curtains pulled off their polls from toddlers spinning in circles in them! You get the picture! When the kids leave home, I am getting white carpets and walls and developing an ocd complex lol, until then it feels like damage limitation:)

On a financial side, you pretty much cannot afford holidays unless your very well off, we try and go camping every other year but we don't have vehicle big enough. Clothes and shoes, you wear out to the knees before replacing! Xmas becomes a guilt ridden painful experience (not that the kids ever notice though, they have a great time!) And the need to constantly tell them 'no' when they ask for things, which is honestly not very often they even ask bless them:) (goodness, tearing up now lol, flamin hormones) But then is this a bad thing??? Who knows, I know some real spoilt, ungrateful little brats who have a lesson in simple manners if they brave to cross my thresh-hold lol!!!

On a closing note I will say that we are from the UK, so health, dental(if your lucky!) and schooling is all free. If we were US then we just couldn't afford our gang I don't think? But I'd still push the limit lol:bigsmile:

[glory]

Questions:
On raising a larger family: What do you love about it? How do you manage to still be intentional with each child? What are the upsides of having several of the same gender? And downsides ... but if you offer a downside please offer how you cope with it so I don't get too terrified!

I love the way the boys just love me, that they play together and share, though it isn't perfect, you can really tell kids who have brothers and sisters and only children apart quite easily. Of course they fight and bicker and want, want, want but I think that is just kids. I don't think any feel left out, we do quite a bit of juggling to fit everything in and sometimes I think I am mad to want another, 3 was going to be it :) but now I am excited to be evening out my 3 (well hoping to be). I actually am better about finding time for me now, wheras with 1 and 2, I just thought I had to be super mum and do everything, now if I need help, I ask, if I want to go somewhere I do. I feel less guilt and am a better mum for it.


On growing up in a large family: Especially if as adults you ended up close to siblings and or parents, I'd love to hear what some things were that your parents did that made you close as a family. Some of it I do think comes down to the personalities of the kids, and those we can't control, but I do believe parenting plays a crucial role in how a family evolves as the kids age, so I'd love to hear what you think worked and what you plan to do with your family.

I am 1 of 6 kids, that are spread over 18 years (same mum and dad- they just started early and ended late). I LOVE being part of a big family, I always have. I am that one in the family who likes to organise family get togethers. We all in one way or another work together and it can be tough being confronted with everyone but I wouldn't have it any other way. I can go into work and see 3/4 of my family in one day, it really is nice.

My mum and dad aren't perfect, but they love us to bits and would do anything for us. The only complaint I have is they do want to be involved in our lives and decisions a little too much, but I do think it comes from a good place they want us to be happy and do right but at the same time they just have to let go. I am hoping to learn from this when my kids are bigger! One of my siblings is a functoning addict, in that he drinks and drugs on a bit, but he still goes to work, he still pays his bills, but he is probably the biggest worry of my mum and dad, but at the same time, I love that at any get together there is no fighting, we don't go on about stuff that we do wrong, it is nice.

Mum and dad have 10 grandkids so far and that too is just nice. The kids always have a cousin or 2 to play with.

I see people with 4 kids and think they are mad, life is just so hectic, but I am sure people sometimes see me with my 3 and go, what chaos! It all will work out.

[atomic sagebrush]

I was an only child until I was 11 and I HATED it and still do. With such a small family (not meant to be offensive to moms with 1-2 kids, this is just what was true for ME) I felt like my parents were simultaneously way too focused in on me and everything I was doing all the time, yet at the same time they were not focused on the family, so it was a weird combination of them going off and having their own lives and spending very little time with me or helping me and taking me places a kid had no business being (like scary movies, restaurants where there was nothing for me to eat, really long hikes when I was really small and then everyone would get angry when I got tired and didn't want to walk any more, and cocktail parties where I was either the only kid or else expected to babysit all the little kids). Yet at the same time, they were breathing down my neck constantly about every little thing I did and said and expecting me to excel at everything to fulfill their every dream that they had regarding offspring (as in, my dad expected (expects) me to be an excellent athlete, straight A student, have a spectacular career, and be highly attractive to men; my mom expected me to be a cheerleader (like she was), straight A student, have a job while going to high school, be in the student government, and be very popular with my peer. All of this without any help or work on their part. And they never shut up about it. My dad STILL to this day laments the fact that I am not 6 feet tall - like I had any control over that one ;). That is a lot of pressure to put on one (or two) kids. I really, truly believe that a larger family is such a good thing because, if nothing else, it divides the parental attention and expectations from one/two kids to several and it limits the time a parent can spend worrying over the million quirks that every child has.

I have found that this has held true with my older boys as well. When I had just my two older boys, I never had to be "all in" as a mom...so I was often distracted from things that they really needed me to be doing (and you can see I still struggle with this by the number of posts I have on this website, haha) and our lives were NOT really set up to be child-centered, yet at the same time they were the center of my entire existence aND I felt like I had to be constantly correcting, monitoring, and basically criticizing everything they did and said "wrong" and this is also true for my husband, if not even more so. Since there were just the two of them, I was also extremely overprotective of them and shielded them from things that they would really have benefited from, esp. my oldest son, so they can't always handle stuff that they really should be able to handle and they don't handle things as well as they should - they tend to wait around and expect me to do things for them that they should be able do on their own easily. Plus my second son is kind of a hypochondriac and I know that's in part because I was always dwelling on his every sniffle :p.

Now with the two little boys, thankfully I've learned a lot from my mistakes with the first two, plus I just have less time to worry over stuff because they're closer in age (and my third son is a maniac and DEMANDS constant attention haha), so I feel like I'm doing a better job prioritizing what I need to be doing as a mom, and what I should leave alone. I feel like the best case scenario is when you're "all in" as a parent in terms of things like reading to them, loving them, providing their basic needs (as an only child, my parents didn't even have things like kid-friendly foods and I had hardly any clothes and toys, because their whole universe was structured around meeting THEIR desires as adults and I just had to fit into that) playing with them outside and taking them to the park (cheap fun) and supporting them when they really and truly need it, which you HAVE to be when you have several kids because otherwise they drive you nuts ;). But at the same time you're too busy to worry over things that you shouldn't be worrying over, like whether they're "weird" or if they're good at everything, and also you're more inclined to let them figure things out on their own whenever they can, so they have more freedom to be themselves and learn the skills to function as effective adults later on.

Trying to sum up what seems rather meandering...with a bigger family you have to arrange your lives to be kid-friendly and child-centered, yet at the same time you don't have the time/energy to worry over anything that doesn't require your attention so the kids don't have to live with unreasonable expectations, overprotection, and they learn to find their own way in the world. So to me it is the best of both worlds for a kid to grow up in.

Plus, now as an adult, I have no one to share memories with or to turn to in times of trouble. My siblings are just too young to even relate to. Also, to echo what Lillian said, the entire burden of parental care falls onto the shoulders of one or two kids and it SUCKS. My husband is one of a PP and his dad is terminally ill and his mom is going blind and can barely walk, and it is just so much work for one or two people to handle. His sister luckily lives next door to them, but DH has to do all their house repairs and the expectation is that one of my sons will move in with them at some point - and I don't WANT my son to have to give up his college years to take care of elderly relatives. But there is no one else. :(

Moving on to another topic, I have never loved the two-kid dynamic anyway, esp with two boys, because I think they get too focused in on each other and it leads to competition and ferocious sibling rivalry. My older sons did not get along well at all (hence their icons in my siggy) altho they are getting along better just lately now that they're grown up. This actually did not help my GD any the second time around, although DS 3 and 4 seem to get along a lot better, I think because they're closer in age. I wanted ANY combination other than two boys!!! o.O But I DO think that several of the same gender is actually very freeing for kids in a lot of ways. Rather than having to be "the boy" or "the girl" in the family, a kid can define themselves in terms of who they really want to be, so "the artist" or "the bookworm" or "the athlete" or "the nerd" and personally I think that is a lot more awesome than feeling like you have to aspire to be either "Pink Polly Princess" or "John Wayne Schwarzenegger" to fulfill some stereotypical gender role.

[Mochagirl]

Really interesting perspective, atomic. I do often look at my friend who has only one son and think how different his life is from my kids'. Yes, they have more money to travel, etc., but he's sooooooo sheltered from everything and expects his mom to be his playmate every minute - he's never learned how to entertain himself. She's afraid to let him grow up because she's getting a divorce, is 41 and not likely to have any other kids - so he still drinks milk from a bottle at bedtime and uses a soother on occasion. Did I mention he's 6??

I imagine that as he grows up he's either going to expect the world to bend backwards for him the way she always has, or he's going to rebel and become a problem child. He's an extreme case - I know lots of only children grow up well-adjusted. I agree, though, that kids in families with lots of kids have no choice but to learn how to learn their own way in the world to a certain extent, and I think that's a good thing.

[pinga]

I grew up as the youngest of 4 kids (BGBG) and my DH is the middle of 5 kids (4 boys 1 girl). I loved being part of a big family and am still close to them. My sis lives in the same country as me but my brothers are back at home. We skype lots. We're are probably even closer since we lost my parents. I would say that being brought up in a loving family. We always did things together and we always spent time as a whole family. My oldest brother and sister are adopted and I am just as close to them too.
DH family is really close too. All the siblings get on really well and often the 'boys' all get together to go to the footy.

I have always wanted a big family as I loved it so much growing up. I'm PG with #3 and I think it will have to be our last, probably due to financial reasons... but I'll never say never :D

[love being a mummy]

so he still drinks milk from a bottle at bedtime and uses a soother on occasion. Did I mention he's 6??
omg wow ! Each to their own but 6 is way to old for a bottle JMO

I have noticed with my friends who only have 1 child or have large gaps their children tend to take longer to grow up, the parent "babies" them alot more.

A friend of mine with only 1 child still pushes her 5 year old in a pram but if she had of had another child that child would be walking and the baby would be in the pram.

I grew up in a family of 3, I am the only girl. It's hard for all 3 kids to get along and play nicely but if 2 play together then 1 is always left out.

I have 5 kids and they go through stages of who is their playmate, no one is left out and they always have someone to play with. I often feel sorry for my son cause he doesn't have a brother he is not really into all the games the girls want to play but he makes an effort and they play cars and things with him.

The bad things about lots of kids for me, is personal space they don't have their own room and also washing. Bath time is hectic and so is the morning rush for school but with planning and routine it gets easier and also as they grow up they can do things for them self.

[Princess of Pink]

I was an only child until I was 10 and I hated it with a passion and swore I would have a large family! My mother wanted me to have no more than 1 or 2 kids and was very vocal about the fact, even mentioning that abortion was an option when I told her about #3! She told me last week that she took back everything she ever said...that she couldn't have been more wrong...that my 5 daughters are the best thing I have ever done and I made the right choice despite all her pressure.

I adore having my gang and wouldn't have it any other way although it may be exhausting on days and I long for quiet...the love that fills this house is amazing. They fight and argue and are so noisy but OMG they just adore each other and are so very close, they won't even sleep alone for just one night.

I wouldn't change a thing about it. It is worth all the money, time, effort and exhaustion!!

[auroara78]

I am the youngest of 4 growing up (Girl, girl, boy, girl) and sometimes it felt like only my brother and I because my two sisters are 12 and 10 years older than me. I was the "last chance" baby they had, and my brother of course had wanted me to be a boy! I am still very close to my brother. He is awesome, although there is 7 years between us. By the time I was 12, my sisters were both off to college and I only saw them on the holidays, which were very fun!! We used to all get together to play monopoly after thanksgiving or just card games. I loved when everyone was together, it was more fun, and less lonely, I love having people around me!

I always knew I wanted a big family, currently I have two kids and know I am not done. My husband currently says 3 is our max, and so we are swaying for a DD, but I think in a few years, who knows? Maybe a fourth. I am partial to four because I am one of four, so I understand if mom just had 3, there wouldn't be me :P But I got to be realistic, and understand our finaical situation....which is if my husband does become a stay at home dad next year, I do think 4 in a few years will be feasible, it will cheper keeping him home than keeping him working, but we'll see how it goes. I'm still only 33, and by the time we have our next child, hopefully 34. I said I didn't want one after 35, but my mom had me at 37 and i'm fine and so was she, so time will tell.

I definitely do not want to stop at 2 kids. This is very personal, but I think 2 kids being the norm is boring, and I always like to shake things up! On another note, my husband was an only child and HATED it!! I think he wants 3 for that very reason that the kids will have each other. His mom thought we were crazy when we had our second, and only wanted us to have my first son. I cannot even breathe a word to her about if I have tough days with two because she'll just lecture me about how it's my fault that I have more than 1 kid, etc, she's very unsupporitve and pracitcally ignores DS2 when she comes over.

My mom on the other hand is very supportive of me having 3. She understands totally why I want a daughter, mostly because her and I are close. We don't see each other a lot, but we talk 2-3 times a week at least, and she's my backbone. Like yesterday I was just feeling crappy wtih a sinus infection and just down in general, and talking to her brought my spirits up. I want that relationship with a DD one day..maybe I can help brighten her day.

So + sides: I think more kids help each other out, play with one other, and just in general, it's a different kind of feedback than parents, I think having multiple kids can sometimes be eaiser (already my DS1 loves to make baby DS2 laugh and that helps me do what i need to do) I love noise and people around me, needing me, etc.

The only negative I have is money to raise them.

What I would love most of all if when we TTC in Dec if somehow I ended up with twins, boom! 3 and 4 done...but that's just a fun pipe dream!

[love being a mummy]

I cannot even breathe a word to her about if I have tough days with two because she'll just lecture me about how it's my fault that I have more than 1 kid, etc, she's very unsupporitve and pracitcally ignores DS2 when she comes over.

I don't like to tell anyone when I have bad days, or when the kids are really driving me mad lol I feel people will just say well you had all those kids so you deal with it.
It must be hard to see her ignore your DS like that :(

[auroara78]

Yeah, it is tough, because she does truly love DS1, but her heart "cuts" off and when she does look at DS2, she looks away quickly, fidgets when she has to hold him, and just last week when she visited I asked her to hold DS2 so I could shower, and she said "can't you give him to (DH)?, or put him down?" I just wanted a 10 minute shower, and she hadn't seen him yet the whole night! Really, was 10 minutes too much of her time to spend with him? SHEESH! It's hard because she is local and a pain in the ass and drops in sponteously without calling first, and my mom is about 2 hours away. I wish my own mom was more local.

And yeah, love being a mummy, I even watch what I say around my husband because I don't want him to get second thoughts about having a 3rd. So even if I have a rough day with those two, I try to turn it around and think of one or two good things the kids did so that when he comes home from work instead of venting about what drove me crazy about the kids, I can highlight something positive....so sometimes that is more exhausting, lol, not admitting im having a hard day or just tired and trying to do this song and dance....

most days tho the kids are good, but you know how bad days can just be plain bad....

Do you have support from your Mom or mom-in-law?

[love being a mummy]

Yeah, it is tough, because she does truly love DS1, but her heart "cuts" off and when she does look at DS2, she looks away quickly, fidgets when she has to hold him, and just last week when she visited I asked her to hold DS2 so I could shower, and she said "can't you give him to (DH)?, or put him down?" I just wanted a 10 minute shower, and she hadn't seen him yet the whole night! Really, was 10 minutes too much of her time to spend with him? SHEESH! It's hard because she is local and a pain in the ass and drops in sponteously without calling first, and my mom is about 2 hours away. I wish my own mom was more local.

And yeah, love being a mummy, I even watch what I say around my husband because I don't want him to get second thoughts about having a 3rd. So even if I have a rough day with those two, I try to turn it around and think of one or two good things the kids did so that when he comes home from work instead of venting about what drove me crazy about the kids, I can highlight something positive....so sometimes that is more exhausting, lol, not admitting im having a hard day or just tired and trying to do this song and dance....

most days tho the kids are good, but you know how bad days can just be plain bad....

Do you have support from your Mom or mom-in-law?

My mum and mother in law are both in heaven.
We have no help from anyone

[auroara78]

Sorry to hear that, love being a mummy :(

[love being a mummy]

Sorry to hear that, love being a mummy :(
♥

[DoulaMama]

I'm so sorry LBAM:(

[Glittergirl]

Begonia, I am the oldest of three girls--no boys. Growing up we were a close family but I didn't feel so close to my sisters since they were 6 and 8 years younger. Big age difference growing up. But we did everything as a family. camping, picnics, parks etc. and my parents always had their friends with kids or my aunt and uncle and cousins so we never felt lonely. Now that i have 3 I try to make the most of it too. We have a bedtime routine, I do homework with each child, and our weekends are all about the kids' activities and sports. Another great thing as others have mentioned is the kids always have someone to play with. My kids rarely walk around the house with nothing to do, and when one starts playing something, the others join in so they keep each other company for sure! As for you having three beautiful daughters, my sisters and I have such a close relationship now--age difference isn't so big when you're older. We help each other with babysitting, we hang out, and my two sisters moved to my state so all three of us are within a few miles from each other. AND we really take care of our parents. they never feel lonely even though they live in another state cause there's always a kid visiting or calling. Holidays are busy and hectic and I love it. I don't see a downside to having as big a family as you can mange. It's diff for each person. we decided on 4 maximum cause I feel like I can sanely handle 4 kids, some moms are much better than me, but if I'm honest with myself I know that 4 is as much as I can handle and give attention to and be present for.

[mommymachine]

I didn't grow up in a large family. I have 2 older brother. One is 7.5 years older than me and the other is 4 years older than me. So I wasn't close to them when I was growing up. I am now, and I still wish there was more of us. That's why I want a large family. Hubby wants 6 but is open to 8. I want 8;) I am 30 weeks pregnant with my 4th.

[love being a mummy]

I'm so sorry LBAM:(
Thanks hun xx

[BDough]

My husband and I grew up in families with 8 children. We are both the 6th child. My family has mostly girls and his has mostly boys. Personally, I loved it. I have four sisters and we are all so different but love each other so much. I didn't get along with my brothers until we were much older. I don't feel like we ever got one on one attention from our parents unless we sought after it. I am very close to my Mother but it is because I choose that. My younger sister cannot even remember Mom's birthday. So personalities largely decide that.

[toomanyboys]

Big families are the best. I myself come form a small family...grew up happy but pretty much lonely most of my life. Friends more less have let me down and still do...nothing is greater than your own family and the community they form.....we do everything together and all my children get equal attention albeit that suits their personality ( of my boys is not a very touchy feely kind of kid). But there is never a dull moment true they kill me off but they keep us young too and I know they love each other..my 13 year is so comfortable in his environment that we actually worry he doesn't make enough friends....when questioned if he would like to meet friends and feels bored his usual response is no and he still enjoys spending a lot of time with his younger siblings in the garden and playing spy or alien or zomby games at home. There is never a dull moment and I know that each of my own children look to having their own big families when the time comes as they keep saying how such and such is an only child or such and such house is really boring because there is not much to do.....as time has gone by I realize having the big family I never had myself has been the best blessing I could wish for...I will never worry leaving my children behind they all have each other so if 1 or 2 don't get along or drift apart they have someone else in the family to keep them united. Every part of my life is filled with joy. The good things outweigh the bad and those are so few. The only everyday issue with having a big family is the practicality of things.....like holidays ( but we still manage them where there is a will there is a way) and time to yourself.....but nothing can compare to that feeling of utmost joy when you see your brood all bantering and laughing and talking I front of you Aaron's that dinner table. Knowing that one day each one of them will bring their own stories and spouses to add to the mix.....so from that first moment you smell their newborn scent to walking their first steps through to their first today of school up until the day you walk them down the aisle or sit at their wedding and welcome their first child....every step of the way is filled with joy and excitement and I got all that to come 6 times over!!!!! Nothing can compare to big families it's the best thing that has ever happened to me....:)

[3littleladies]

Im the youngest of 4girls and I reckon I was the most spoilt! My childhood was fantastic we played all the time like 4 best friends & we all still hang out, my parents weren't very affectionate growing up, so my sisters were always giving me cuddles & kisses, maybe because I was the youngest!

My magic number is 3, no more for us!