How do you cope with others gender desire?

[kc15880]

Hi all!

While I have some gender desire (who doesnt!) it seems to be made worse by comments from other people. Other boy mums will probably find that they have had the same experience too. My mother was so disappointed that my first wasnt a girl & then hardly said anything at all when DS2 was born. When I was pregnant with DS2 everyone was adamant that he too would be a girl & when he was born all I got was sympathy that I had 2 boys. Now with this pregnancy my mother in law has already started saying she is convinced that this is a girl & my mother who got a new dog even commented that she couldnt use my "girl" name as it was already reserved! I have seriously had enough. Most of my friends think Im crazy wanting another child (they dont know that I am pregnant yet) & they are all convinced that I just want another baby for a girl. Last week I got so mad & turned around & said all I want is a child without autism (DS1 has autism) & that really stopped my friend in her tracks. Any good tips or advice? Hopefully once we get out NIPT results back we will announce our pregnancy to our friends (but wont tell them the gender until the birth). I think need some good strategies this time to cope. Thanks

[atomic sagebrush]

Honestly, I feel like sometimes with GD no one can say the right thing. No matter what they say it's always the wrong thing probably because it's always about THEM and not us!

I agree those are all super annoying comments and I"d also find them upsetting but just to share, my experience was the opposite - I had people like my MIL telling me that she thought the baby was a boy or that I could only make boys or rolling their eyes that I wanted a girl - like it was bizarre or selfish that I did want to experience that and that everyone was rather bored with my feelz and would just prefer if I stopped darkening their day with my issues (which I mentioned like 3 times)
So not only was it hard to swallow - any time anyone makes some comment that you then have to deal with it is hard to swallow - but it also felt like my feelings were invalidated. At the time I kind of wished that someone else DID want me to have a girl, even though like I say, I'm sure I would have been also highly upset by that too. (I'm not trying to invalidate YOUR feelings here!! I completely agree that it has to be very, very hard to deal with all that, I"m so sorry you have to put up with it!) I just felt like no one was on my side at all and they all just wanted me to shut up and have boys and be happy with that and have no emotions about it whatsoever.

The best comment I got was from my boss at the time, the only person who actively said she hoped I had a girl. I told her after my ultrasound and she said, "Well...CRAP!" I loved that. It wasn't like she was blaming me or putting her feelings onto me like your family is doing, or acting like I should just get over it or anything like my family did, but it just summed it all up so succinctly LOL. :)

[fiveboys]

I wish people would just say congratulations and i hope you have a healthy baby without mentioning gender...this week ive had so many people saying awwww hopefully its a girl this time otherwise you will probably have another one.. my mil looked down to the floor and shook her head she didnt say a word and i showed her the scan photo which is really clear and she said aww is that a new puppy?? I swear she enjoys pissing me off i must admit i do hate the women shes the most miserable person ive ever met..i come from visiting her and feel so depressed.. ive told everyone im not finding out the gender as i know il be bombarded with txt's.. im trying to prepare for a boy result so i wont feel so upset because then il feel guilty for being upset x

[atomic sagebrush]

^^^^ I think at least some of what is passed off as gender comments are actually anti-big-family comments veiled by gender remarks and the puzzling thing is that this starts when anyone has more than like TWO kids!?!

People used to regularly have 4-5-6 kids and it is not extreme or unusual!! Let alone 3!! People need to get over themselves and not act like we are in need of drastic intervention if we have more than the officially approved 2 children. :/

[lovellcute]

Sending hugs x

[Shannshaff]

^^^^ I think at least some of what is passed off as gender comments are actually anti-big-family comments veiled by gender remarks and the puzzling thing is that this starts when anyone has more than like TWO kids!?!

People used to regularly have 4-5-6 kids and it is not extreme or unusual!! Let alone 3!! People need to get over themselves and not act like we are in need of drastic intervention if we have more than the officially approved 2 children. :/

I so agree with this! I was even scared to tell our families about this pg because I was worried about all the negative comments. Surprisingly, everyone was just happy for another grandchild. My mother did comment when is her granddaughter due...but she has said this the past few and it is a running joke. And I know from her - it really is a joke. She is just happy if I am happy and just wants a healthy baby for us.

Now at work - I know the comments will fly. And that is the reason I have not told anyone other than my boss and he is REALLY good about not telling anyone medical issues.

[foxtrotmama]

I've been dealing with it by not telling those people that I was TTC/am pregnant. I'm holding off until after my 16 week ultrasound to tell anyone who made comments about DS2 not being a girl, who has wistfully sighed over my not having a daughter (other than a couple friends who I have talked to about GD), or anyone who acts like once you have 3 kids you might as well buy a bus and get a reality show.

[kc15880]

Thanks ladies, its nice to know that Im not alone with my experiences. I must confess now that I am a mum of boys I am certainly more aware of the impact on what people think are light hearted comments. Even my best friend who had twins for baby 3&4 only got shock & horror at her announcement. No one was happy for her at all. Perhaps we are all just too hormonal & take things to heart but our precious babies are just that - much wanted & loved regardless of what or how many they are!

[ChezIBY]

Thanks ladies, its nice to know that Im not alone with my experiences. I must confess now that I am a mum of boys I am certainly more aware of the impact on what people think are light hearted comments. Even my best friend who had twins for baby 3&4 only got shock & horror at her announcement. No one was happy for her at all. Perhaps we are all just too hormonal & take things to heart but our precious babies are just that - much wanted & loved regardless of what or how many they are!

Hey kc,

We may be hormonal, but I personally find the kind of comments you have dealt with/have to keep dealing with super annoying and would be ever so angry if I had been in your place! I am a hundred percent on your side! Atomic and the others are probably right that part of it comes just from people being shocked at families with more than two kids (maybe it puts pressure on them that they are only having one-two-zero kids? And they feel like in comparison you are being less selfish or whatever, raising a large family, working hard?) Or sometimes people just say dumb stuff without thinking, or a combination of both.. Be that as it may, totally fight back if the comments annoy you!! (Plus side: it can make people think next time and they won't hurt another person with that kind of comment!)

Here is a coping strategy that works quite well, got it from my DH not for gender discussions but in general for dealing with comments that can be/are meant to be hurtful: throw it back in the person's face, as actually everything a person says is a reflection of what they think and what they are, not you. Let this be your automatic reaction stance, you can think over things privately later to decide how you feel etc, but ultimately in the moment you might feel good fighting back and shutting the bugger up. The way it works is to bounce back on whatever the person says and show calmly that they are the ones with the problem, since they are putting forth that sort of commentary, that you are not even in this discussion.

Example: Someone on hearing that you are having another boy: 'Aw shucks, that must be so disappointing for you!'
You: 'Um, why would you say that? Do you think you would feel that way in my place? Is that because you have some unresolved issue with boys, or do you think you are generally overwhelmed with the idea of raising a bigger family? I must look like quite a hero from your point of view then, I guess?' (All pronounced in tones of naive, innocent curiosity.)

I am really sorry you have to listen to that kind of crap, completely unconstructive and not helpful at all. Take care, kay? Good luck in any case :)

[Alexa.a]

Oh Nice, thanks for sharing!

[Debahlgrim]

Sorry I know this is an older thread but- One of the first things my husband said when we found out we were having another boy was “no one is going to be excited for us now.” And I really think people would be more excited if we were pregnant with a girl and like it would be ok we were having a 4th if it was a girl but because it’s a boy, nope- Should have stopped.


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[atomic sagebrush]

When your new little guy gets here it is all going to make sense and be worthwhile Deb. This I can promise you.

[Telia_Nibbles]

I am relieved to have found this forum because it makes me feel much more normal and understood.

I have been the only girl in the family my whole life. I always wanted a sister and then a daughter. I have a 14 year age gap between ds2 and ds3. Three grandparents made really negative remarks about me having another boy, it really upset me but everyone loves him now he's here, he's an absolute delight and I think he's a surprise I had never expected. My dh was also convinced he was a girl which made it much worse at the time.

Although it's better, I still can't talk about it much. I went for the blood test the other day and the woman asked me whether I had boys or girls, she then said "aw bless you" and that she would probably have another boy so won't bother?! When I got outside I burst into tears and I felt so bad for my ds3 who I was carrying that I cried even more!

It's a natural way to feel but once that bundle was in my arms after a bit of a worrying birth it honestly never came into it again.

Lots of love xxx

[Telia_Nibbles]

I am relieved to have found this forum because it makes me feel much more normal and understood.

I have been the only girl in the family my whole life. I always wanted a sister and then a daughter. I have a 14 year age gap between ds2 and ds3. Three grandparents made really negative remarks about me having another boy, it really upset me but everyone loves him now he's here, he's an absolute delight and I think he's a surprise I had never expected. My dh was also convinced he was a girl which made it much worse at the time.

Although it's better, I still can't talk about it much. I went for the blood test the other day and the woman asked me whether I had boys or girls, she then said "aw bless you" and that she would probably have another boy so won't bother?! When I got outside I burst into tears and I felt so bad for my ds3 who I was carrying that I cried even more! I'm not disappointed in having another boy, it was the idea of having a girl I was grieving over.

It's a natural way to feel but once that bundle was in my arms after a bit of a worrying birth it honestly never came into it again.

Lots of love xxx

[atomic sagebrush]

Aww Telia you sound much like me - i had 13 years between DS 2 and 3 and when I heard he was a boy I just felt like "my uterus was only a few days from retirement and now I have to do it all again for another boy??" LOL

But yes my 3rd and 4th boy are hugely wonderful, surprising delights and everyone adores them. It is not like the way people imagine it will be. :)

[Telia_Nibbles]

Yes that's exactly how I felt. I didn't know about this forum at the time or even gender disappointment, I went to a very dark and sad place for a bit after the scan, I'd never encountered those feelings before. I had even decided previously to not even have any more children!

And here I am now doing all this!

You're right though- it's not how you think it will be. Our extra boys are like wonderful added bonuses we might not have expected.

[lovellcute]

Sister in law is the only person who knows about the pregnancy so far...
Well she just text me saying she hopes it a girl because girls stuff is so much cuter etcetc
We need a girl in the family blah blah
Great, haven't even had the 12 week scan and it's started
Dreading telling people as I'm so convinced it's a boy
Maybe I should wait until I've found out so can just say yes it's a boy! Rather than get the hoping for a girl comments! X


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[Telia_Nibbles]

Ah, yes these comments certainly don't help. I had these too from multiple family members. My sister in law said the other day that she wanted a boy and got one and then she wanted a girl and got one so now she's expecting again she doesn't mind (I'm sure it will be a girl) I thought well how lovely for her!

I know that when we try again I won't tell anyone until after the scan because I felt pressured and like people were watching and waiting, plus the comments. It can add stress for you and baby. But of course you do what is right for you. Lots of love to you and little bean xx