Feeling obssessed and over GD

[Rosequartz]

Feeling like crap not wanting to TTC again because of these intense feelings. Even though I feel very lucky to have DS I can't shake these annoying GD feelings. Although I wish it was called something other than disappointment as he's far from it! I'm the disappointment! Just like to know how you ladies deal with it.
Thanks!!

[Rosequartz]

Hello? Anyone out there feeling the same or felt the same who has made peace somehow?

[Complex Emotions]

Rosequartz, you're not alone. Like you, I have a son who I'm in awe of. Still, I'm consumed with the fear of never having a daughter.

I don't know the details of your situation, but can you give yourself time to work through these feelings before trying to conceive again? I ended-up having more time than I'd expected because I've swayed well over a year and still haven't gotten pregnant. It sounds horrible I know, but it's been a gift in some ways. Maybe more time would help you too?

Early on I feared I might resent another boy since his birth would mean never having a daughter. But the older my son gets (he's almost 3 now) the more I yearn to experience pregnancy one more time, and to see my son become a big brother. Facing the possibility that we might never conceive again is deeply painful, but mercifully it's taken some of the edge off GD. Being unable to get pregnant has brought me to terms with just how beyond anyone's control the whole situation is. There was a time when I might have blamed myself for not swaying hard enough, but after everything we've been through I don't see how I could feel that way anymore.

For me, the hardest part of GD is the shame and isolation. What we're experiencing isn't uncommon, but it's deeply taboo. There's immense pressure to demonstrate complete joy in all aspects of pregnancy and motherhood. To express disappointment in one's child seems unthinkable. To even have a thought like that, as a new mom, made me see myself as a monster. But we're not at all alone in this. Once my eyes were opened to GD I see it everywhere. If I do subtly mention it, to a counselor or a doctor for example, more often then not they pipe up saying they've felt that way themselves or they know a friend or relative going through it.

By this point I've accepted longing for a daughter is normal. I know I'd find my way to love a second son, but I expect the pregnancy would be very, very hard. I'm trying to build my heart up for it. I've made a loose plan about where and how I'd learn the sex, and I have an idea of how I'd give myself time to privately grieve if need be. I'd give myself permission to downplay the pregnancy socially. I'd try to let myself work through the feelings without self judgment.

Also, I'm not on social media anymore. I don't want to put myself through the jealousy or the pressure of representing some ideal of a family. It's actually helped a lot.

Never having a daughter would likely be one of the greatest sadnesses of my life. It might truly take a lifetime to come to terms with it, yet I still think it would be less than the regret I'd feel over never having a second child at all.

Best wishes to you, Rosequartz. You are not alone.

[Rosequartz]

Thank you so much for replying Complex emotions. It really helps to know I'm not alone - it's very difficult to discuss with people around me! Like you I have been / am working through my feelings and emotions and very strangely have started feeling angry at the idea of wanting a baby girl so much! How dare this hypothetical baby girl cause me so much anguish and detract from the here and now with my son! So that has surprised me! If we're lucky enough to get pregnant I won't find out the sex - we did the first time and I'm not good at lying so told most people. Their reactions were pretty good really but from what I've seen and heard it changes with a second. People can say the silliest things but I guess it's only natural that people want you to have what you don't already have. Anyway I don't need people's judgement or dissapointment. I would also like the surprise! I am trying to do a good "girl sway" which I think will make it easier to accept if I do have another boy - gosh just saying that makes me feel guilty! But we both know that we would love another little boy unconditionally but like you we're only having 2 so that will be it for us! Although I have thought about adopting a little girl but DH says he doesn't want the drama! Anyway, I am curious to know from women who have felt GD with their first (being a boy) who've gone on to have a girl whether it's everything they thought it would be? I wonder if I'm the sort of person who if I did have a daughter, would be obsessed about something else?? Does that make sense? It's interesting that I seem to believe in the assumption that having a daughter would complete me somehow- but the more I work through my feelings the more I'm beginning to question this notion. I don't know about yourself but I have a complicated albeit lovely relationship with my mum / I know I would like to replicate that with a daughter, but I also know she might have other ideas and decide to live on the other side of the world and I might be closer to my son! Anyway, in having written all this I do think it's other people's judgments/comments that really seem to affect me - as if somehow you can choose your family! And yet these same people would be probably horrified at the thought of HT options! Haha. Can't win can you! We thought about HT but in the end can't justify the trauma of IVF and the expense! However, if we couldn't get pregnant naturally that would be an option. Would that be an option for you? Anyway, thank you again for opening up. I really hope you get your little girl and that we can both find happiness and acceptance regardless. Hugs x

[Rosequartz]

Ps a lot of what you have felt is exactly how I've felt / feel too :)

[Complex Emotions]

If we're lucky enough to get pregnant I won't find out the sex

I really respect that.

For me, I'd plan to find out right away using the ten week blood test because I might need a while to accept and adjust before the baby would be due.

[Complex Emotions]

...I wonder if I'm the sort of person who if I did have a daughter, would be obsessed about something else?

In my case this GD stuff is only the most recent obsession in a lifetime of fixations. I've always had a one-track mind that circles endlessly around one obsession before breaking free one way or another and then gravitating to something else. It's some kind of thought addiction. Could it be connected to OCD or anxiety disorder?

One thing that really surprised me a while back was when I reread an old journal entry were I'd written about how I hoped to have a son someday - not just to be a mother, but I specifically I said I was hoping I'd have a son. That really, really surprised me. Is this longing for a daughter all just an illusion? Or maybe it's a biological thing set in motion when my first was a boy, like if I'd have had a daughter than maybe I'd be swaying for a boy now.

It's also possible that I'm feeling some kind of a subconscious generational longing for a daughter, since my husband's branch of the family tree has long line of (almost) all boy children.

[Complex Emotions]

We thought about HT but in the end can't justify the trauma of IVF and the expense! However, if we couldn't get pregnant naturally that would be an option. Would that be an option for you?

We're both creative types who's skill sets don't exactly line up with economic demand. I can't even imagine the regret I'd feel if it didn't work and we still owed all that money. I recently had a couple of fertility check related appointments (the news was all good!) and even just paying for those hurt.

If we'd been unable to conceive at all, I'd probably accept the costs and risks of IVF. But, we'd originally only planned to have one child anyway, and since we already have a healthy little boy, we've decided that we'll only have another if it happens naturally.

[Rosequartz]

Hi Complex Emotions,
Many thanks for taking the time to answer my post so thoughtfully.
I feel the same way as you / I have these little/big obsessions too! I have anxiety so I know it's linked to that! Very interesting that you found your old diary entry which said you hoped to have a son, it must've been a nice surprise. I also had a similar experience - over the years I've been buying baby clothes well before I was even pregnant and found I bought just as many boys clothes as girls so I know this has nothing to do with not wanting to have a son at all! As cliched as it sounds I wouldn't trade him for anything not even a daughter!! But I do think it's completely natural to have a preference but perhaps not so natural to obsess over it iykwim. I absolute 100% agree with you re HT not only is the expense an issue but not having it work, in my opinion, would not be worth it. I completely understand finding out the sex at the ultrasound and giving yourself time to work through your emotions. I am going to take a chance because I want to minimise feeling emotional during pregnancy. i know some would say it might be worse to hold out hope through the pregnancy but I figure this is my last chance to hold onto that hope so I'm going to! Becaue it may be the closest I get to having a daughter and I'm not going to deny myself those feelings. If I need help afterwards I'll seek it but I'm so ready to love another child that that outweighs this daughter obsession! Thanks for helping me through this too - I mean I'm sure it'll come up again but I'm willing to make peace with it however I can. I wish you all the best :)

[pinkfairydust]

In my case this GD stuff is only the most recent obsession in a lifetime of fixations. I've always had a one-track mind that circles endlessly around one obsession before breaking free one way or another and then gravitating to something else. It's some kind of thought addiction. Could it be connected to OCD or anxiety disorder?

One thing that really surprised me a while back was when I reread an old journal entry were I'd written about how I hoped to have a son someday - not just to be a mother, but I specifically I said I was hoping I'd have a son. That really, really surprised me. Is this longing for a daughter all just an illusion? Or maybe it's a biological thing set in motion when my first was a boy, like if I'd have had a daughter than maybe I'd be swaying for a boy now.

It's also possible that I'm feeling some kind of a subconscious generational longing for a daughter, since my husband's branch of the family tree has long line of (almost) all boy children.

I feel exactly the same about this DD obsession being the latest in a number of one track mind obsessions I've had throughout my life. It does help me when I remind myself of that. Some of my old obsessions now no longer bother me at all

I also KNOW that life won't suddenly be perfect if I get a daughter. I know I'm kidding myself when I see having a DDas some kind of magic pill which will mean I'm always happy and complete. However when I rationalise this, I know it probably won't affect me to the extent I think it will. I'd definitely move on to some other obsession (it'll probably be repeptitive thoughts that I'm going to die and not see my daughter grow up)

I'd also be keen to hear from women who got their girls but who realised (even tho they love them unconditionally) if they found getting the daughter wasn't the revelation they expected?

I'd also love to hear from people who had boys who are now all grown up and see if GD still enters their head anymore?

[ChezIBY]

Rosequartz, Complex, pinkfairydust can I tune in please? I don't fit the profile pinkfairydust was reaching out to in her last post (I am only expecting my first child, it's a girl, and I plan to sway blue in the future, not pink), but I just feel like most of what you guys have been discussing is so applicable to me it's crazy!

I was nodding my head vigorously as I read what Complex had to say on this thread - that what we're experiencing is not uncommon but that it is an absolutely taboo subject. Since being aware of this subject and experiencing the emotions myself, I have been keeping my ears open and keep hearing hints of GD from other people in my entourage too - people let drop small phrases that make you feel it's just the tip of the iceberg - 'Is that what you wanted or is it the opposite of what you wanted to hear?' 'That family already have three of those, so hope it's the other one this time around' 'They're happy with whatever seeing as how it's the first one, but they'll want the other one second time around, trust me, seeing as how they can only have two', and so on, so on. It is a shame that the subject carries such a stigma since I think a lot of us have felt horrible at some moment because we believed we were some sort of monster for even feeling that way. Thanks be we can go over the subject and get support on here!

And something else that helped me personally (besides reading the forums on here and speaking with all the lovely forum members) - I hope it won't be too rough, but here goes. I'm the youngest of three daughters and so far the only one who is going to become a Mom - and it seems like it might very much stay that way. My eldest sister has been married for years and while I think that she would have loved a kid her husband is sort of dead set against. My second sister's love life is in a turmoil since the last ten years - could improve of course, but so far she's stuck at that stage. Imagine my parents' happiness at learning they'll finally become grandparents - especially as I am quite a bit younger than my sisters. Well, I think my parents have laid it on a bit thick, as the baby is all they've talked about since finding out. Result - my sisters with whom I've always been super close are acting.. weird. Middle one is carefully steering off the radar and always 'too busy to chat' while before we used to talk every other day, while the eldest does chat but heaven forbid we get on the subject of baby - the other week I listened for nearly an hour on her venting to me about how me and DH don't know the other thing about having a kid, how we're gonna mess this up, how she's sure we have no idea 'bout this and this and that thing... (yup, serious!) Consider this coming from a sister who has always (always!) been super positive and supportive!

Now, I can give as good as I get if someone starts having a fight with me but in this case I just didn't feel the urge to get into an argument with her at all. It's just that the more she was speaking the more I felt convinced that she was only speaking out of her own hurt and bitterness. I went to bed after we said bye and had this huge realization curled up in the sheets that my sister, given her age and circumstances now, will most definitely NEVER be a Mom. And never is a damn long time. And she's probably hurting masses and my having a kid is rubbing it in. I felt so horrified at this idea, and suddenly for the first time felt the whole thing that Complex is talking about - that I am lucky in a lot of things, that being pregnant has been great, that so many women (even those in my family) would give so much to have what I have. That I'm lucky even being able to conceive, that OK, my dream family does include both genders but hey, I am already getting ONE kid at least, I am becoming a Mom, DH is becoming a Dad - and my sister will never have that, I just kept running a loop around that thought. The only way I managed to calm down eventually is that I figured that since my sister had never been pregnant and never felt that connection at least she could not really 'know' what she was missing out on, so to speak. Still :(

So to sum it up - what Complex said, if I can rephrase it a bit - we need to not take for granted what we already have. I think that will help. We get one kid, say it comes with GD - ok, we end up in love with them eventually, but want to sway for the other one - we think, what happens if I don't get the 'desired' one this time around etc - how about focusing some of that energy on going over how it is a miracle that we can conceive at all, compared to some ladies who can't/have partners who don't want them to/etc and that ultimately some amount of GD is still so much better (I think) than no kid and no family ever. Yes, GD sucks - but no baby at all sucks more IMHO. I think that's what Complex was saying when she spoke about how she's been TTC for a while now and is starting to feel that she would just welcome pregnancy even if there is some GD down the line. Best of luck Complex, I hope you get a positive test result soon and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

[Rosequartz]

Hello ChezIBY and Pinkfairy Dust! Sorry about the late reply. Pinkfairy Dust you are exactly right when you say that having a daughter won't make us "complete" and that we'll most likely move onto another obsession - like not being able to see them grow up! I already have that thought! ChezIBY thanks very much for sharing your story. Before I felt GD I was very worried (irrationally so) that I might not be able to have a baby. So, I can understand that pain your sister must be going through. I had a miscarriage before DS and felt like it would never happen and it was very hard to be around those who were pregnant or just had a baby. I also have a friend who is 40 and her husband doesn't want a baby and she doesn't know if she wants one (I think she swings to and fro) and since I had a baby she's become much more distant - she even gave me a heads up that that is what she does. I have to say, I think I would be the same. Interestingly, my obsession has somewhat dissapated a lot these last couple of weeks! To the point where I find myself not caring anywhere near as much but I suspect that it'll come and go in waves. Who knows! I have been reading some diet info related on gender swaying and have tried to put It into practice for a daughter but the girl sway diet is the exact opposite of what I was eating! Basically not much! ;p if you want a boy you need to increase your calories and make sure your blood glucose stays high (so snacking) increase the protein too and lift weights (safely!) to increase testosterone. Also, check out Atomic's posts in the future -very informative and caring. The only Antidote is to practice gratitude on a daily basis for what we already have like you say. Just out of interest did you have a preference for your first born to be a son? Congratulations btw!

[ChezIBY]

Hello ChezIBY and Pinkfairy Dust! Sorry about the late reply. Pinkfairy Dust you are exactly right when you say that having a daughter won't make us "complete" and that we'll most likely move onto another obsession - like not being able to see them grow up! I already have that thought! ChezIBY thanks very much for sharing your story. Before I felt GD I was very worried (irrationally so) that I might not be able to have a baby. So, I can understand that pain your sister must be going through. I had a miscarriage before DS and felt like it would never happen and it was very hard to be around those who were pregnant or just had a baby. I also have a friend who is 40 and her husband doesn't want a baby and she doesn't know if she wants one (I think she swings to and fro) and since I had a baby she's become much more distant - she even gave me a heads up that that is what she does. I have to say, I think I would be the same. Interestingly, my obsession has somewhat dissapated a lot these last couple of weeks! To the point where I find myself not caring anywhere near as much but I suspect that it'll come and go in waves. Who knows! I have been reading some diet info related on gender swaying and have tried to put It into practice for a daughter but the girl sway diet is the exact opposite of what I was eating! Basically not much! ;p if you want a boy you need to increase your calories and make sure your blood glucose stays high (so snacking) increase the protein too and lift weights (safely!) to increase testosterone. Also, check out Atomic's posts in the future -very informative and caring. The only Antidote is to practice gratitude on a daily basis for what we already have like you say. Just out of interest did you have a preference for your first born to be a son? Congratulations btw!

Rosequartz,

Wow, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage back in the day and everything you went through, the worry and all that!!
I am very happy for you that your feelings of GD and everything that goes with it have been subsiding and coming and going in waves, good sign in any case I think.

Good luck with the LE diet and your sway - you are planning on TTC soon, right? That is so exciting in any case :) I am planning to sway next time I TTC down the line, for a boy, yes, so that would be the HE diet like you said - and what comes more naturally to me would be what one should be eating like for a girl!! Lol. Seriously though, eating less is not so hard, you'll see, me and my girlfriends have been very used to decreasing the calories before bikini season and the like - it's all in one's head! I've got plenty of tips for going LE if you want ;) Drink plenty of water to feel full between meals, keep all of the unhealthy snacks that might tempt you well out of sight and out of reach, motivate yourself by thinking about how you'll lose weight and how nice you'll look in a dress one size down, stick a cut-out from a magazine of some slim-looking gal you'd like to resemble on the fridge door :) And reward yourself for keeping on track - give yourself a small treat, like going out to a movie or something when you go for one week without steering off-course!

HE is going to be the way to go for me and I'll try and build muscle mass (ok, and a bit of fat) when the time comes :) To answer your question - after thinking over it extensively, I wanted (and still kind of do) a family with both boys and girls, but I always assumed a boy would come first I guess - I am the third of three sisters and my Mom has been very.. demanding, let's say, of us; there was a sort of psychological factor of me being worried about having a DD and passing some insecurities and stuff on to her (while a DS first would have been 'unknown territory' so it was easier to imagine, if you see what I mean.) I was pretty shell-shocked to know I was expecting a DD with this first one, and went haywire worrying about what it'd be like. Hanging out here on the forums, initially to prep my sway for a future boy attempt, and then reading over people's stories, I found some stories of ladies who had gone through similar things with their Moms actually fuelling their wish to sway pink and to 'get it right' with a DD of their own - this really was an 'aha' moment for me and made me feel very positive about DD :) So, the forums here are great in many ways, not just to provide sway info :)

Best of luck and I look forward to hearing more about how it goes your end :)

[frankie2017]

In my case this GD stuff is only the most recent obsession in a lifetime of fixations. I've always had a one-track mind that circles endlessly around one obsession before breaking free one way or another and then gravitating to something else. It's some kind of thought addiction. Could it be connected to OCD or anxiety disorder?

This is exactly me!! So of course currently i'm fixated on the GD for a girl. But i'm so aware of this THING that I do where I obsess and obsess and obsess and then move onto something else. Glad someone else does this :)

[KristaM]

Thanks for posting these posts. I have three girls as of now and pregnant with my fourth. with the second I had gd when I found out and got over it before I had her. I couldn't imagine her as boy to this day. Then when I was pregnant with the third and this one, I keep getting asked are you wanting a boy. My husband and I answer no we aren't. I am so used to girls and I relate to girls more then I do boys. If I want to find out gender we wouldn't know until sometime in August. I have known people that have lost their children and I keep reminding myself that GD is dumb compared to this. I guess I am different then most people. The opposite gender scares me when I am used to taking care of all girls.
I do think obsessing over one thing and then obsessing over other things is part of anxiety. I have always had anxiety bad but never medicated myself for it and with this pregnancy it has gotten worse. especially since I try to analyze gender. Sorry for my ramblings but I did enjoy reading your posts. thanks for posting your thoughts.

[Rosequartz]

Hello KristaM, thank you for posting your thoughts too! I recently got a BFP! And Am right back to fixating on gender! Eg: should I have tried the shettles method for a girl (we didn't after reading posts on here about it) etc. It's driving me a bit nuts but just re-reading these posts are helping. I'm having thyroid issues now so am just hoping for a sticky bean! All the best with your bubba! :)

[Complex Emotions]

Best wishes on a healthy pregnancy, Rosequartz!