Decision time! Should we have another baby?

[MiaMelb]

Hi everyone, I'm interested in everyone's thoughts or experiences on having another baby after you thought you were 'done'.

I've come from a largish family (4 kids ranging over 17 years) which was never that close and in wanting to create a tight knit family I've always only wanted two kids in fairly quick succession. I also thought this would work best for our family given our circumstances financially and the fact we have very limited family help where we are. Anyway so I've followed the plan and have had two amazing girls. Their budding friendship makes me smile every day. However I am really really drawn to having a son and hence I've ended up here!

I tried to convince myself immediately post DD2 that we were 'done' as per the plan. I gave away almost all of our newborn clothes and toys and started making space. However after a couple of months and when it has come to getting rid of any bigger ticket baby items I haven't been able to and have started storing them in the attic. I gave myself 18-24 months post DD2 to decide if my desire for a boy was enough for us to go back and have a third (I first decided on an acceptable age gap given our circumstances and worked from there). I'm now 15 months post DD2 and it's getting close to decision time. I've got the mirena in and will be swaying blue so want a good 6 months between taking it out and ttc. I'm so indecisive right now and that's so unlike me.

Which leads me back to my original question. What are your thoughts or experiences on having more kids than you 'thought' you always wanted? I'm extremely happy with my two girls and am scared of interfering with something that is already so amazing.

[LMSM]

Mia – I had similar thoughts – for similar (no family here so no support whatsoever, living in Aus is so expensive, kids are close in age and have a great relationship etc) and different reasons (I always wanted more than 2 though – and my concern is to have another girl, would I be able to consider myself “done” then or would the desire for a son supersede that?)… for a moment, because DH was reluctant to start too soon, I was in the view that would be it, if not now, it would not happen full stop (he wanted more but wanted to wait until DD1 was 5), I started selling stuff and decided that is it now, let’s just enjoy these two miracles.
But the heart wants what it wants, and after letting it go for a while, DH actually agreed to go ahead – with a chance to have the family I wanted, we decided the desire for another child was strong enough to take the plunge. Yes, I do worry if that “balance” will be upset by another kid – it will be in some way, but necessarily for the worse. I already worried about our family dynamics when expecting #2 anyways – I think that you have to determine what is the most important – have ather child, or the chance for a son you may not get if the sway doesn’t work?
I was worried about a 3rd girl, for fear of wanting to try again and again – but I came to terms with that and IF we one day want a 4th, it will be regardless of if #3 is a girl or boy.
Sorry probably doesn’t help you much just thoughts thrown out there lol

[ELP]

I keep toying with this myself, it is very hard to make a final decision on:) I think in both of your situations wanting 3 or 4 children is still well within the manageable situation, the children will happily share rooms without being overcrowded, clothes are mostly passed on, you can still use your existing car or upgrade slightly to one of the more readily available 6 or 7 seaters. Food is just 'Another spud in the pan':bigsmile:

Would your DH's be prepared to go in for the snip? If the decision for family size is taken out of your hands then it may make things easier. Have a chat with them, say 'I would really like 4 children, but I have such strong desires I may not actually be finished there' and see if they volunteer to take the decision for you :)

[charlie2016]

I thought I was done after having 2 kids mainly cause my husband did not want anymore. I tried convincing him as I come from a family of 3 kids and that's what I was used to. In the end he gave in and I got pregnant, once I got what I wanted I started to panic and wasn't quite sure anymore - same as you I thought why change something which is great, 2 kids are manageable, each parent can sort one out, we had the perfect routine everything finally fell into place. But then my third one was born and you know it was fine, the workload did not triple and it was perfectly manageable! He is the cutest and they all get on well, of course they bicker and wind each other up but if one is not there they ask for each other and they help each other. It is really nice to see.

I am now expecting my 4th one, not quite planned :o) ... I am a bit scared but hoping it will all fall into place after a while as well. Getting the snip though after this, no more :o).

Good luck with your decision. Remember another baby is always a blessing.

[SoFullofHope]

.

[MiaMelb]

Mia – I had similar thoughts – for similar (no family here so no support whatsoever, living in Aus is so expensive, kids are close in age and have a great relationship etc) and different reasons (I always wanted more than 2 though – and my concern is to have another girl, would I be able to consider myself “done” then or would the desire for a son supersede that?)… for a moment, because DH was reluctant to start too soon, I was in the view that would be it, if not now, it would not happen full stop (he wanted more but wanted to wait until DD1 was 5), I started selling stuff and decided that is it now, let’s just enjoy these two miracles.
But the heart wants what it wants, and after letting it go for a while, DH actually agreed to go ahead – with a chance to have the family I wanted, we decided the desire for another child was strong enough to take the plunge. Yes, I do worry if that “balance” will be upset by another kid – it will be in some way, but necessarily for the worse. I already worried about our family dynamics when expecting #2 anyways – I think that you have to determine what is the most important – have ather child, or the chance for a son you may not get if the sway doesn’t work?
I was worried about a 3rd girl, for fear of wanting to try again and again – but I came to terms with that and IF we one day want a 4th, it will be regardless of if #3 is a girl or boy.
Sorry probably doesn’t help you much just thoughts thrown out there lol

Thanks for your thoughts LMSM. You are right that over time thoughts and feelings about being 'done' seem to change. I know DH will reluctantly agree to a third if I want to. The idea of 3 girls scares me for a few reasons, though I know they are all silly given how amazing my girls to date are.

[MiaMelb]

I thought I was done after having 2 kids mainly cause my husband did not want anymore. I tried convincing him as I come from a family of 3 kids and that's what I was used to. In the end he gave in and I got pregnant, once I got what I wanted I started to panic and wasn't quite sure anymore - same as you I thought why change something which is great, 2 kids are manageable, each parent can sort one out, we had the perfect routine everything finally fell into place. But then my third one was born and you know it was fine, the workload did not triple and it was perfectly manageable! He is the cutest and they all get on well, of course they bicker and wind each other up but if one is not there they ask for each other and they help each other. It is really nice to see.

I am now expecting my 4th one, not quite planned :o) ... I am a bit scared but hoping it will all fall into place after a while as well. Getting the snip though after this, no more :o).

Good luck with your decision. Remember another baby is always a blessing.

Oh wow congrats on your pregnancy Charlie. Can i ask if you've got boys or girls or noth to date? Are you going team green this time?

Agreed that the sky will not fall in if we do have a third (and it's an opposite) we will adapt and change our perspective and find a new normal. Self doubt about our decisions, particularly if they are not completely mutual will always be in the back of the mind.

[MiaMelb]

Dear MiaMelb,

This is just my very personal opinion but I think that, if you're toying with the idea of having another baby, basically, you'd like to have one, and the fact that you're holding on to the older ones' clothes seems to prove my point.

I don't know how old you are but, personally, I'd say go for it: Nothing in life is lovelier than having kids, a big family, one day being a granny to lots of little ones :-)

They say that, when looking back on your life, you regret things that you didn't do much more than those which you did and went pear-shaped :-P And having another baby can never really be something bad anyway, can it? 0:-)

But then again, I'm biased: I've only got one baby and I'm dying for more but am almost too old :'-( I always wanted to have five, now I can count myself lucky if it works out with two at all. I hugely regret not having started earlier so that I could have had more children. That's why I'd say go for it, girl!
But then again, I don't know the exact circumstances... Have you tried discussing this with any of your friends who can judge things better? Or would you rather not talk to them?

I know you are right, I wouldn't keep things and be thinking about it if I didn't really intend on going through with it.

I also totally agree that nothing could be better than watching the bonds develop between siblings and the idea of one day being a grandma to lots of little ones aome day.

I like to think I've still got a few good years on my side before conceiving would become more tricky so not quick feeling the ticking clock thankfully.

I did mention my desire for a boy to a couple of friends (both 2 girl families) after DD2. They were kind and both let me babble a little and I feel not judge me particularly for it but I'm not sure I'd bring it up again. I haven't been able to gleen from any of my friends in real life that they share my experience with GD.

Thanks for your thoughts. GL with your journey and I hope there is more kids in your future.

[0TriSarahTops0]

My midwife told me she talks to more women who regret not having more children than women who wished they had less children.

I know that's not always the case and there are many aspects to the decision, but personally, if I don't get my dream gender I would still love adding another little one to our family .


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[hannahptrussell]

Oh my gosh. Your post could literally be exactly from me. It is crazy how similar our stories are! However, I have 4. Always said 4. My husband wanted 4. And now here I am thinking that I can't let go of that desire to try for one more girl for my oldest. I will say, with each child, that love only grows. They love each other and it is so fun to watch them. I honestly think if you can't 100% say that you are done, then you'll always question why you didn't go for it!


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[netti02]

Im up to 5 😊 definitely more than i *thought i wanted. It wasn't really til just before I was pregnant with ds5 did I really acknowledge my feelings of GD and desire for a daughter. DH gets it. He understands how I feel. I would have 1 more as I think thats about all i have left in me and us financially etc. Its crazy, hard and sometimes tough not only on our part but dealing with alot of comments particularly the broken record type.

I also haven't bothered getting rid of my baby stuff 😅 i know im not done

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[charlie2016]

Oh wow congrats on your pregnancy Charlie. Can i ask if you've got boys or girls or noth to date? Are you going team green this time?

Agreed that the sky will not fall in if we do have a third (and it's an opposite) we will adapt and change our perspective and find a new normal. Self doubt about our decisions, particularly if they are not completely mutual will always be in the back of the mind.

Thank you. My first one is a boy, the second is a girl, the third is a boy and this 4th seems to be a girl! With the 4th one I did try and sway which seems to have worked. You can try a boy sway easily and then can decide as you go along as you mentioned below your clock is not yet ticking so fast.
Looking back I can tell my girl vs boy conceptions were different, with my first girl I just stopped breastfeeding and so heard that can sway girl. With my boys I had more kgs and ate what I wanted.

[MiaMelb]

I also haven't bothered getting rid of my baby stuff �� i know im not done

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:rofl: I'll send you all my pink dust.

[netti02]

Ill send my blue. I have plenty 😅

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[atomic sagebrush]

I always wanted a big family (I was an only child and hated it!) but we ended up basically having two families, our first two boys and then 13 years later we added the 3 little ones so I have some insight into the dynamics of 2 vs. 3. Personally I prefer 3. My older two were not that close growing up, part of it was their age gap, but more, it was because it is just THEM all the time, if someone is getting on your nerves, there's no escape. But with 3, they all play together or 2 play and one does their own thing and then if someone gets sick of someone, there is someone else waiting to play. Plus they can play stuff that is funner with 3 than 2 - my first two NEVER played things like board games together, I had several board games and they'd never play them because someone was mad at someone but with the 3, they often play games together and it's the cutest. I really like having 3 much more than I thought I would.

My dad (who had 2 children) just came for a visit and he marveled at how well the 3 of them play together. They really enteratain themselves so well!

[atomic sagebrush]

My midwife told me she talks to more women who regret not having more children than women who wished they had less children.

I know that's not always the case and there are many aspects to the decision, but personally, if I don't get my dream gender I would still love adding another little one to our family .


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Because I had such a huge age gap between my first 2 and second 3, people (strangers, even, mostly women, but even a few old men) felt comfy with opening up to me and you would not believe the number of people in doc's offices and grocery stores who told me "I really regret not having just one more" or "I really wanted just one more and my spouse said no" or "I was in school and it didn't seem like a good time but I wish I had it to do over again" It played a HUGE part in me rolling the dice that one last time because I didn't want to still be having those regrets 20 years later. And even my husband who was barely on board at all has said he is glad it did happen several times.

[MiaMelb]

Thanks for your thoughts Atomic. Your insight given the age gap between your 'two families' does provide a really unique perspective on which to comment.

I really think that my heart wants to try 'one last time' and I'm now just convincing my very rational and sensible head that it wants it too. I can't say with 100% certainty that I wont feel some regret short term if my sway 'fails' but I am totally convinced that this feeling will be momentary and any third child we have will be welcome and very much loved when the time comes. Totally in agreement that I'm more likely to regret not trying at all then I am to regret trying and 'failing'.

[kittendreams]

I am in exactly the same place and on a daily basis swing between wanting a third and thinking oh god what am I doing I can't handle the two I have lol!
But I deep down know there is another child out there ready to join our family whether it be boy or girl and I just have to go with it. Would our life be easier with two- maybe; would we be better off financially with only two- definitely! But none of that matters I know there is someone missing we are not complete with only two so I have to trust my gut on this!

Good luck I really hope you and everyone gets their DG and the feeling of completeness in your family xx

[MiaMelb]

I am in exactly the same place and on a daily basis swing between wanting a third and thinking oh god what am I doing I can't handle the two I have lol!
But I deep down know there is another child out there ready to join our family whether it be boy or girl and I just have to go with it. Would our life be easier with two- maybe; would we be better off financially with only two- definitely! But none of that matters I know there is someone missing we are not complete with only two so I have to trust my gut on this!

Good luck I really hope you and everyone gets their DG and the feeling of completeness in your family xx

Wow Kittendreams just got a shiver reading through that. So insightful thank you.

Wishing you the best of luck with your future sway.

[4blue2pink]

Because I had such a huge age gap between my first 2 and second 3, people (strangers, even, mostly women, but even a few old me) felt comfy with opening up to me and you would not believe the number of people in doc's offices and grocery stores who told me "I really regret not having just one more" or "I really wanted just one more and my spouse said no" or "I was in school and it didn't seem like a good time but I wish I had it to do over again" It played a HUGE part in me rolling the dice that one last time because I didn't want to still be having those regrets 20 years later. And even my husband who was barely on board at all has said he is glad it did happen several times.

ive had this happen a few times both with people we know and complete strangers seeing me out with my kids, they have all been women who age-wise cant have more and it is sad to hear them say they have these regrets, their children are adults now and yet they still wish they had had 4 not 2 or had 1 more or several more.. always puts me in mind of that quote "you dont regret the children you do have only the ones you dont"

only you know if you feel complete, the women who have come up and spoken to me out the blue clearly didnt feel complete and sadly decades later they still dont :( and its too late to change it now for them. and honestly its made me very aware of the fact that i dont want to be that person in 10/20/30+ years time

yes babies and toddlers are HARD work!! but time moves on, the baby stage sleep deprivation ends as do the toddler tantrums and the need for you to help them with everything, they become more independant and things do get easier!
3 kids when its 2 little ones and a baby is hard work, but 3 children aged 5 and up who can all sleep through, dress, feed and toilet themselves as well as play much more inclusively together than toddlers can is a world away from those early days.

as for swaying every person ive seen on here who has had an opposite and continued to post has said they couldnt imagine life without them and that they were just what their family needed, of course there was initial disappointment etc but like you said, in the grand scheme of things those feeling are momentary.

good luck with whatever you decide to do :) xx

[atomic sagebrush]

^^^ So true! At least once a day (and I'm sure it's because I'm immersed in it all day every day) I have this moment of cold horror when I stop to realize my Gosh if I'd have gotten what I wanted with my IG sway, I would never HAVE DS 4?? And he's just the most awesome and unique person, he's the child that is the most like me in appearance (my daughter looks like my husband) and I almost missed that!!!

[4blue2pink]

i love it <3 if you had got *her* then you wouldnt have HIM :) how amazing that he is the most like you too xx

[Jconger]

We were in the same boat. Having two daughters and both times wanting a boy, we said we would try once more. Well last month we found out we are having a third girl. My heart was broken, and three has always been my limit. However, I want a son so badly I think we will try once more. Four is by far larger than I had in mind for our family, but I also don't want to live wondering what if we tried once more. And that way there is no "middle" child. Two and two lol. I agree with everyone, I don't think there will be any disappointment in having another kiddo. Each one is so unique, brings so much love, and teaches us more about ourselves. Good luck to you as you listen to your heart.


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[LMSM]

Sô so true, I could not imagine not having both of my girls and would never ever go back in time for a chance of a different child just to have a boy...they are and were meant to be and my heart stops at the simple thought of never having had either one of them as my child... I think that once there, each of them just belongs, not another, not another gender or character , just them.
Hope you can get that confidence in your decision, whatever and that may be, Mia...and am sure a third child would fit right in and be just as awesome as his or her sisters ;)

[hopper]

Just have to jump in with my two cents worth Mia - after I had DS2 everyone thought I was done. I had wretched pregnancies and sure obviously I could only have boys so why bother - or that was what I got off most people anyway! Fast forward a year or so and I get pregnant on DS3. Now I did sway for him but God intended him for us and like Atomic said above, if I had gotten what I wanted I wouldn't have him and he is beyond special. He's almost one now and I'm back for another sway. I'm not desperate for that little girl like I was before DS3. I think with his arrival I found peace. Now obviously I would still like a daughter but if #4 is meant to be a son then I am blessed amongst men!!!
One other thing - when everyone was assuming I was done after DS2 I spoke with my friends mother. She told me that she had so many regrets over not having as many kids as she wanted. She had 3. Two boys followed by a girl but she said she wishes she hadn't listened to the naysayers and just had the family she wanted. Her husband had tried to adopt two children, a girl and a boy, from Chernobyl but it had all fallen apart and they were so heartbroken over it they never tried again. It just made me REALLY think - You never regret the children you have. Only the ones you don't.
Best of luck with your choice, though I think you've already made your decision xx

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[MiaMelb]

We were in the same boat. Having two daughters and both times wanting a boy, we said we would try once more. Well last month we found out we are having a third girl. My heart was broken, and three has always been my limit. However, I want a son so badly I think we will try once more. Four is by far larger than I had in mind for our family, but I also don't want to live wondering what if we tried once more. And that way there is no "middle" child. Two and two lol. I agree with everyone, I don't think there will be any disappointment in having another kiddo. Each one is so unique, brings so much love, and teaches us more about ourselves. Good luck to you as you listen to your heart.


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Oh wow Jconger, I'm really sorry your sway didn't go the way you were hoping. I hope this phase of initial disappointment fades quickly and you can have some time to really get excited about her arrival.

I'm sure you've probably mentioned this somewhere else but if you don't mind me asking are you happy with finding out before her birth? How did you go about finding out? I'm totally sure I'd burst into tears if they told me at a scan and I'd hate for someone else to see me like that.

[MiaMelb]

Just have to jump in with my two cents worth Mia - after I had DS2 everyone thought I was done. I had wretched pregnancies and sure obviously I could only have boys so why bother - or that was what I got off most people anyway! Fast forward a year or so and I get pregnant on DS3. Now I did sway for him but God intended him for us and like Atomic said above, if I had gotten what I wanted I wouldn't have him and he is beyond special. He's almost one now and I'm back for another sway. I'm not desperate for that little girl like I was before DS3. I think with his arrival I found peace. Now obviously I would still like a daughter but if #4 is meant to be a son then I am blessed amongst men!!!
One other thing - when everyone was assuming I was done after DS2 I spoke with my friends mother. She told me that she had so many regrets over not having as many kids as she wanted. She had 3. Two boys followed by a girl but she said she wishes she hadn't listened to the naysayers and just had the family she wanted. Her husband had tried to adopt two children, a girl and a boy, from Chernobyl but it had all fallen apart and they were so heartbroken over it they never tried again. It just made me REALLY think - You never regret the children you have. Only the ones you don't.
Best of luck with your choice, though I think you've already made your decision xx

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Thanks hopper.

I'm not sure what has triggered it here over the last 10-15 years but it seems everyone has decided that you only have 2 kid families (I'm sure cost of living pressure in Aust has played a part among other things). I see all these 2 kid families around and just think if they've all decided to be done then that's what we're supposed to do. But I don't want to have regrets (if I can avoid it) and think I'll just have to give this swaying a go crack. Will probably start a light sway come November, amp it up to full on swaying in January with ttc starting April. :nails:

[kittendreams]

Thanks hopper.

I'm not sure what has triggered it here over the last 10-15 years but it seems everyone has decided that you only have 2 kid families (I'm sure cost of living pressure in Aust has played a part among other things). I see all these 2 kid families around and just think if they've all decided to be done then that's what we're supposed to do. But I don't want to have regrets (if I can avoid it) and think I'll just have to give this swaying a go crack. Will probably start a light sway come November, amp it up to full on swaying in January with ttc starting April. :nails:

This is what I see too! And if you talk about having 3 kids people look at you like you are crazy and that you couldn't handle it!
I know kids are expensive but I'd rather spend money on raising kids than having a new car every year and overseas holidays- having a bigger family is my dream why can't others just accept that we are all different. I just happen to like family more than possessions lol!

[hopper]

Thanks hopper.

I'm not sure what has triggered it here over the last 10-15 years but it seems everyone has decided that you only have 2 kid families (I'm sure cost of living pressure in Aust has played a part among other things). I see all these 2 kid families around and just think if they've all decided to be done then that's what we're supposed to do. But I don't want to have regrets (if I can avoid it) and think I'll just have to give this swaying a go crack. Will probably start a light sway come November, amp it up to full on swaying in January with ttc starting April. :nails:
I think it's the same here! Everywhere I look I see two child families and more often than not it's pigeon pairs. My DH and I have made the decision to not tell anyone we are planning one more child. It's not worth having to hear anyone else's opinion on the matter. I hope you get that son you desire (You can have all my blue dust - it has thus far produced 3 spectacular boys!) The HE diet seems to be so easy to follow nd the support you will get here Will be such a help! Best of luck xx

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[Greydore]

You sound like me! I've actually taken a break from this site because I needed to convince myself that I'm done (obviously I'm back). I have two boys, 3 and 1. I struggle with depression, and it's been hard lately. I have little patience, plus the fact that I've never enjoyed playing with kids. Don't get me wrong, I adore my boys, but motherhood hasn't been easy for me. Despite all of this, I can't shake the desire for more. I'm only 28, so I have a hard time feeling done. On the other hand, I can't wait for amusement parks, less stressful vacations, and all the things that come with older children. Not sure I really want to start over. We recently went camping. All the kids 3 and up had a ball. I spent the trip following my 17 month old- making sure he didn't face plant into the fire, kept him from wandering into the woods, etc. It was not enjoyable. Do I want to do that again? I don't know. Such a hard decision!

[atomic sagebrush]

Greydore, here is the thing (and I'm not sure this is anything one person can explain to another person but I'll try) You're smack dab in the least fun part of it now and it will be just the absolute blink of an eye and you're going to be out of it. It will only get easier and you're SO young. I remember when I was in my 20's and it felt like I"d have to wait FOREVER to get to the older kid stage but then looking back on it now, it feels like it was only a few days LOL (barely exaggerating).

My best advice is to live in the moment. Doing stuff with a toddler is not so fun, but in a year or two you aren't going to even remember any of the bad stuff and will only remember when he stopped to look at a bug and how adorable he was. I feel like we create so much unhappiness for ourselves trying to hurry up the program taking little kids on activities that are better with older ones instead of enjoying little kid activities for the sake of the little kid. (not that you shouldn't take him camping, but that you have to understand going in that is what it's going to be - an exercise in keeping him from certain death LOL)

I really, truly feel like this makes your guys' GD exponentially worse, because little boys can be handfuls and it's easier to think of the grass being greener (it isn't, toddler girls are equally death prone) and because you're in the hardest stage of parenting, when everything is work and terror and there is very little enjoyment. When the boys are 5 and 3 you will be enjoying yourself a lot more and then that's when it really starts to get so so so fun!! :)

[Greydore]

Greydore, here is the thing (and I'm not sure this is anything one person can explain to another person but I'll try) You're smack dab in the least fun part of it now and it will be just the absolute blink of an eye and you're going to be out of it. It will only get easier and you're SO young. I remember when I was in my 20's and it felt like I"d have to wait FOREVER to get to the older kid stage but then looking back on it now, it feels like it was only a few days LOL (barely exaggerating).

My best advice is to live in the moment. Doing stuff with a toddler is not so fun, but in a year or two you aren't going to even remember any of the bad stuff and will only remember when he stopped to look at a bug and how adorable he was. I feel like we create so much unhappiness for ourselves trying to hurry up the program taking little kids on activities that are better with older ones instead of enjoying little kid activities for the sake of the little kid. (not that you shouldn't take him camping, but that you have to understand going in that is what it's going to be - an exercise in keeping him from certain death LOL)

I really, truly feel like this makes your guys' GD exponentially worse, because little boys can be handfuls and it's easier to think of the grass being greener (it isn't, toddler girls are equally death prone) and because you're in the hardest stage of parenting, when everything is work and terror and there is very little enjoyment. When the boys are 5 and 3 you will be enjoying yourself a lot more and then that's when it really starts to get so so so fun!! :)

I kind of wanted to cry reading this. We are definitely in the thick of things. Each day seems like an eternity, especially with few friends in the area to commiserate with. It is hard, and it seems harder in this day and age because there is mom guilt surrounding EVERYTHING. I totally agree about activities- the camping thing was more because 3 year old really wanted to go, and I had no one to keep younger one. I feel horrible constantly wishing this stage away, because I know I'm going to miss their littleness so much when they're older. Ugh.

I also want to add that I have no GD with either of them- I'm not even sure I'm going to sway if we do try for a third because I do love having little boys. I have just enjoyed this site and the non-judgmental community here, so I keep coming back.

[atomic sagebrush]

I never had so much as a speck of GD with my first two either. Little guys are SO fun. :heart:

[MiaMelb]

I kind of wanted to cry reading this. We are definitely in the thick of things. Each day seems like an eternity, especially with few friends in the area to commiserate with. It is hard, and it seems harder in this day and age because there is mom guilt surrounding EVERYTHING. I totally agree about activities- the camping thing was more because 3 year old really wanted to go, and I had no one to keep younger one. I feel horrible constantly wishing this stage away, because I know I'm going to miss their littleness so much when they're older. Ugh.

I also want to add that I have no GD with either of them- I'm not even sure I'm going to sway if we do try for a third because I do love having little boys. I have just enjoyed this site and the non-judgmental community here, so I keep coming back.

Hey Greydore, I'd noticed I hadn't seen many posts from you recently, nice to see you are back (if not for the swaying then for the community). I do love that there is little/no judgement from people on this site and the support is fantastic. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and this site allows tha forum.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. It is true that the days can be soooooo long and the years so short with little ones. I am finding now what DD2 is getting a little older and is now enjoying the company of DD1 and they show glimpses of playing together that I'm less reliant on having adults company to keep me sane. I hope the time when you can relax a little and not have to worry about them killing themselves every 3 seconds comes quickly. GL with whatever decision you make about #3.

[MiaMelb]

So it's been a few weeks since I posted this and during that time I've had a mental shift in my thinking. I've gone from 'I want a boy, we're going to have a third, financially not the best decision' but secretly thinking we probably won't go through with this to 'I do genuinely want a third, preferably boy but another girl would be ok, we are actually going to do this' and actually intending to do it.

I knew DP wasn't 100% on board yet (he's very happy with his 2 DDs, and is very sensible) but knew he could probably be convinced if I was keen. So today given my recent shift in thinking I raised the issue in hopes of initiating a mental shift in thinking for him too. Unfortunately he wasn't as receptive as I'd have liked. He's concerned about the cost of it all, which doesn't fit with some of the things going on in our life atm. He suggested pushing out my timeline if we have a third.

Anyway just feeling a little frustrated today. For me the timeline I was going to was very considered and if we miss it then I don't know if I will want a third. Looks like I've got some convincing to do :shrug::drama:.

[frankie2017]

So it's been a few weeks since I posted this and during that time I've had a mental shift in my thinking. I've gone from 'I want a boy, we're going to have a third, financially not the best decision' but secretly thinking we probably won't go through with this to 'I do genuinely want a third, preferably boy but another girl would be ok, we are actually going to do this' and actually intending to do it.

I knew DP wasn't 100% on board yet (he's very happy with his 2 DDs, and is very sensible) but knew he could probably be convinced if I was keen. So today given my recent shift in thinking I raised the issue in hopes of initiating a mental shift in thinking for him too. Unfortunately he wasn't as receptive as I'd have liked. He's concerned about the cost of it all, which doesn't fit with some of the things going on in our life atm. He suggested pushing out my timeline if we have a third.

Anyway just feeling a little frustrated today. For me the timeline I was going to was very considered and if we miss it then I don't know if I will want a third. Looks like I've got some convincing to do :shrug::drama:.

Those damn husbands/partners - wish mine would happily agree too. We have two boys and he's gone as far as suggesting we have another only to backtrack and get sensible on the costs - 'the house, the car, the ongoing expense of three...' - I figure it will all work out, men don't have the biological pull that we have I don't think so it's easier to be 'sensible'. I'm the same but opposite I'd die for a girl but I see little newborn boys and I want one of them too!


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[atomic sagebrush]

Just to state my unpopular opinion, for whatever it's worth (and I hope it is worth nothing at all to any of you since your husbands are so awesome!) but here it goes...

I have seen gobs and gobs of men who are so insistent with their wives about finances this, and plan for the future that, who hit a certain age and chuck it all in, leave their families practically destitute or at least unable to enjoy all the magnificent things that they say they're wanting to save up money to have and do, only to start up again with a different woman and have more children with HER. I can't even tell you the number of women who I've talked to, whose husbands outright refused another baby or fought against it with all his might, and then all of us being the good little girls that we are, we agreed only to be blindsided in 5 years or 10 years when it's too late for us to start over, by them doing exactly that.

I say this not to cause trouble in anyone's marriage but just take it from a voice with some experience - sometimes what they say now and what they'll say then, when the rubber hits the road, may be a very different thing entirely and since we have a limited amount of time in which we can TTC, PLEASE put your desires FIRST in your heart and mind and look out for number one. Because he can always change his mind, but we cannot. :heart:

[frankie2017]

Just to state my unpopular opinion, for whatever it's worth (and I hope it is worth nothing at all to any of you since your husbands are so awesome!) but here it goes...

I have seen gobs and gobs of men who are so insistent with their wives about finances this, and plan for the future that, who hit a certain age and chuck it all in, leave their families practically destitute or at least unable to enjoy all the magnificent things that they say they're wanting to save up money to have and do, only to start up again with a different woman and have more children with HER. I can't even tell you the number of women who I've talked to, whose husbands outright refused another baby or fought against it with all his might, and then all of us being the good little girls that we are, we agreed only to be blindsided in 5 years or 10 years when it's too late for us to start over, by them doing exactly that.

I say this not to cause trouble in anyone's marriage but just take it from a voice with some experience - sometimes what they say now and what they'll say then, when the rubber hits the road, may be a very different thing entirely and since we have a limited amount of time in which we can TTC, PLEASE put your desires FIRST in your heart and mind and look out for number one. Because he can always change his mind, but we cannot. :heart:

Haha.. I love this..BUT it takes two to tango lol... I'm not adverse to a 'manufactured accident' but aside from that there's not much we can do. I can't decide if I semi-sway in case. If there really was an accidental pregnancy I'd be pissed that I didn't sway...



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[ELP]

Just to state my unpopular opinion, for whatever it's worth (and I hope it is worth nothing at all to any of you since your husbands are so awesome!) but here it goes...

I have seen gobs and gobs of men who are so insistent with their wives about finances this, and plan for the future that, who hit a certain age and chuck it all in, leave their families practically destitute or at least unable to enjoy all the magnificent things that they say they're wanting to save up money to have and do, only to start up again with a different woman and have more children with HER. I can't even tell you the number of women who I've talked to, whose husbands outright refused another baby or fought against it with all his might, and then all of us being the good little girls that we are, we agreed only to be blindsided in 5 years or 10 years when it's too late for us to start over, by them doing exactly that.

I say this not to cause trouble in anyone's marriage but just take it from a voice with some experience - sometimes what they say now and what they'll say then, when the rubber hits the road, may be a very different thing entirely and since we have a limited amount of time in which we can TTC, PLEASE put your desires FIRST in your heart and mind and look out for number one. Because he can always change his mind, but we cannot. :heart:

Love this aswell! :agree::agree:

[atomic sagebrush]

Haha.. I love this..BUT it takes two to tango lol... I'm not adverse to a 'manufactured accident' but aside from that there's not much we can do. I can't decide if I semi-sway in case. If there really was an accidental pregnancy I'd be pissed that I didn't sway...



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I"m not suggesting anyone play sneaky pool, what I am saying is that many of us broach the subject (or not even that) very tentatively one time and then he says no and we let it go. If it is something that matters to you, if it is important to you, be willling to go to the mat and fight for it because it very well may be negotiable (even if he says it isn't) and by all rights, your opinion/wants/desires matter more than his do, since he does not lose the ability while we do. :heart:

[frankie2017]

I"m not suggesting anyone play sneaky pool, what I am saying is that many of us broach the subject (or not even that) very tentatively one time and then he says no and we let it go. If it is something that matters to you, if it is important to you, be willling to go to the mat and fight for it because it very well may be negotiable (even if he says it isn't) and by all rights, your opinion/wants/desires matter more than his do, since he does not lose the ability while we do. :heart:


You are absolutely right, good advice. I definitely haven't made my feelings entirely clear as I naturally hide that kind of emotion anyway and I feel like a 'crazy lady' for being so desperate for it.... will think on this.


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[Greydore]

I've enjoyed reading this thread. I agree with Atomic, our window is short so we should make our wants known. However, I do worry about the stress of 3 kids on our marriage. My husband would adore our theoretical third baby, but I worry that if I talked him into it, and the baby wasn't a girl, he would be disappointed. I guess that's a chance you have to take. We are currently driving from our home in Indiana to California with 3.5 year old and 18 month old, camping along the way. It's stressful but makes me feel like I can do anything, haha.

[atomic sagebrush]

You are a glutton for punishment, Greydore! :) Wow that's awesome! You truly can do anything if you can do that!

Where are you from in Indiana? My mom is from Bloomfield and my dad is from Indianapolis. Indiana is a second home to me.

When you talk him into it, it should probably be for a baby and not for a girl. That way he won't be disappointed (and truly, men take this so much less to heart than us, even the guys who have a strong gender desire are bummed for a day and then get over it while we ladies still feel it years later)

My husband adores our 3rd. He wasn't super into the idea and honestly, just between you and me and the Internet, he doesn't even really like our first two boys. He loves them, but he doesn't have any connection with them - they are typical modern kids, play video games and stuff like that. My husband is really into sports and manly man pursuits and they never did any of that. He had a weird kind of GD for a more boyish boy and then he did get that in our 3rd and to a lesser extent 4th boy. It's odd when you have several of the same gender, to realize how different they all are from each other and even when you have 3 or 4 or more in a row, it's never the same old, same old, you get a unique soul every time. My point is, many times you don't even know that someone is missing until they get to you, and then you can't imagine life without them. :)

[Greydore]

You are a glutton for punishment, Greydore! :) Wow that's awesome! You truly can do anything if you can do that!

Where are you from in Indiana? My mom is from Bloomfield and my dad is from Indianapolis. Indiana is a second home to me.

When you talk him into it, it should probably be for a baby and not for a girl. That way he won't be disappointed (and truly, men take this so much less to heart than us, even the guys who have a strong gender desire are bummed for a day and then get over it while we ladies still feel it years later)

My husband adores our 3rd. He wasn't super into the idea and honestly, just between you and me and the Internet, he doesn't even really like our first two boys. He loves them, but he doesn't have any connection with them - they are typical modern kids, play video games and stuff like that. My husband is really into sports and manly man pursuits and they never did any of that. He had a weird kind of GD for a more boyish boy and then he did get that in our 3rd and to a lesser extent 4th boy. It's odd when you have several of the same gender, to realize how different they all are from each other and even when you have 3 or 4 or more in a row, it's never the same old, same old, you get a unique soul every time. My point is, many times you don't even know that someone is missing until they get to you, and then you can't imagine life without them. :)

I love your honestly! My two are so different already, I always wonder what other children of ours would be like! My husband also loves outdoor activities (fishing, camping) so I always remind him that our boys may have their own interests that are different than his (they're too young at this point to know what activities they'll enjoy).

I live in Elkhart, 20 miles east of South Bend. It's boring but it's home. Indianapolis is a fun city!

[MiaMelb]

The cross section (of women) on this site gives such a unique take on each issue we encounter, thanks for your perspectives.

I've been a bit mopey about the whole third baby thing since my last discussion with DP and just thought I'd leave it be for a month just while a few other family pressures settle down a little. However to my surprise he did briefly mention it of his own accord in context of a new car so maybe it's not as off the table as first though:wink:.

[frankie2017]

The cross section (of women) on this site gives such a unique take on each issue we encounter, thanks for your perspectives.

I've been a bit mopey about the whole third baby thing since my last discussion with DP and just thought I'd leave it be for a month just while a few other family pressures settle down a little. However to my surprise he did briefly mention it of his own accord in context of a new car so maybe it's not as off the table as first though:wink:.

I've decided the same - I was very mopey too after his last 'shut down' of the idea - but I'm going to let it go, get some of the stuff out the way that I know concerns my husband like finance and house stuff we need to do - wait til his long service leave, when he'll be happy and relaxed, in Jan - and then bring it up again. 'Taking it to the mat' if required,as Atomic suggested [emoji23]

You're lucky your man has brought it up on his own , sounds positive. I think mine still has it in him too, just need to dig it out at the right time.


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[atomic sagebrush]

I love your honestly! My two are so different already, I always wonder what other children of ours would be like! My husband also loves outdoor activities (fishing, camping) so I always remind him that our boys may have their own interests that are different than his (they're too young at this point to know what activities they'll enjoy).

I live in Elkhart, 20 miles east of South Bend. It's boring but it's home. Indianapolis is a fun city!

I've been through South Bend many times! One of the nice things about this gig is that I get to talk to people all across the country and the world! :)

Yes and I definitely try to remember that while raising my own daughter. I sometimes get nervous when I see the occasional gal on here who seems to want a mini-me or a princess instead of a real human child - I just wonder how that's going to play out down the road, given my experience with my older sons and my husband.

[atomic sagebrush]

The cross section (of women) on this site gives such a unique take on each issue we encounter, thanks for your perspectives.

I've been a bit mopey about the whole third baby thing since my last discussion with DP and just thought I'd leave it be for a month just while a few other family pressures settle down a little. However to my surprise he did briefly mention it of his own accord in context of a new car so maybe it's not as off the table as first though:wink:.

Ooo exciting!! :)

[atomic sagebrush]

I've decided the same - I was very mopey too after his last 'shut down' of the idea - but I'm going to let it go, get some of the stuff out the way that I know concerns my husband like finance and house stuff we need to do - wait til his long service leave, when he'll be happy and relaxed, in Jan - and then bring it up again. 'Taking it to the mat' if required,as Atomic suggested [emoji23]

You're lucky your man has brought it up on his own , sounds positive. I think mine still has it in him too, just need to dig it out at the right time.


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For some reason my "liker" is not functioning but LIKE! :)

[MiaMelb]

For some reason my "liker" is not functioning but LIKE! :)

Noticed this a couple of days ago but thought it was just my phone, very annoying.

[frankie2017]

Woohoo my husband brought up again that he does 'think about another kid too, you know' even so far as saying girls names he liked [emoji7] Yes yes yes ! Now I'm gonna just play it cool ... I've got him tho I know it !


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[MiaMelb]

This is really just for my records more than anything (I'll forget when I started doing this when I finally get round to ttc).

There is some light at the end of the 'family complications' which were getting in the way of our discussions about ttc #3. Although DP is not yet on board I can see that I might be able to talk him round in future so I'm going to start talking small (unnoticeable) steps towards my sway so that if/when he agrees I'll be able to pounce on the opportunity. Anyway so today I started taking a women's multi....eeek! Baby steps.
On a side note I just noticed the one I've brought has EPO in it. I feel like I've seen a shift away from this for blue sways? Is it commonly found in multi vitamins? Should I find another?

[frankie2017]

. Although DP is not yet on board I can see that I might be able to talk him round in future so I'm going to start talking small (unnoticeable) steps towards my sway so that if/when he agrees I'll be able to pounce on the opportunity. Anyway so today I started taking a women's multi....eeek! Baby steps.


This is exactly what I'm doing.. stealth sway, waiting to pounce :)



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[MiaMelb]

This is exactly what I'm doing.. stealth sway, waiting to pounce :)



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[Throwaway_panther]

This is really just for my records more than anything (I'll forget when I started doing this when I finally get round to ttc).

There is some light at the end of the 'family complications' which were getting in the way of our discussions about ttc #3. Although DP is not yet on board I can see that I might be able to talk him round in future so I'm going to start talking small (unnoticeable) steps towards my sway so that if/when he agrees I'll be able to pounce on the opportunity. Anyway so today I started taking a women's multi....eeek! Baby steps.
On a side note I just noticed the one I've brought has EPO in it. I feel like I've seen a shift away from this for blue sways? Is it commonly found in multi vitamins? Should I find another?

I've never seen a multi or prenatal with EPO in it, and I've cycled through a lot of natural ones over the years. I'd say it's uncommon amd to look for another!

[atomic sagebrush]

Mia - no, EPO is not common in multivitamins and I have all but dropped it (with the possible exception of the handful of people on an Adkins type diet) Let's leave the EPO out.