How do you tell people gender when you're struggling with GD?

[begonia]

We officially found out yesterday about DD3. I told 3 of my BFFs because all 3 of them know me well enough to know that 1) I wanted a son and always have, and 2) I adore my girls and my disappointment will not impact how I am with DD3. They know me well enough that when I cried (fine, full out sobbed) they just hugged me and reminded me God finds my family perfect, and that's all that matters. I'm working on finding it to be perfect myself, but in the meantime I keep reminding myself that He doesn't see my 3 girls as anything less than perfect, or me for having them.

SO anyhow ... I had to tell a non-close-friend today because she said "I'm so excited to hear it's a boy for you in 4 months!" ... I can't handle hearing that for the next 4 months. So I just said "well, you won't, we found out yesterday it's a girl." And she said "oh, I'm so sorry!" I know she meant sorry for her comment, and not for the baby, but it was hard to hold it together. I just awkwardly laughed and said (my girls were both with me) that we were thrilled to have a third healthy child.

Tomorrow I go to DD2's preschool and know I'm going to be running into loads of moms/teachers I know well (DD's elementary school I'm still fairly anonymous) and I don't know how I'll do having to break the news. Did anyone else struggle with that? How did you tell people without revealing your own disappointment?

It totally sucks too, because I know if we were having a boy we'd be screaming it to total strangers. But because it's yet another girl we (and others) struggle to celebrate it. I hate that; I blame some of it on the pressure to have one of each ... I mean if I'm honest that's why I swayed, to AVOID having 3 of a kind. So I get why people don't celebrate it, I totally do, but I wish they (and I) could be as excited as if we were having a DS.

[nuthinbutpink]

It's hard no matter how you answer it when you are disappointed. When someone asked did you find out I would say, yes, it is a girl. We are really good at making strong girls(insert whatever adjective you want to there). I found that adding that last bit prevented the oh, I'm sorry comments and turned it into- Yes, you do or you are right about that. It was a more positive response. If they asked Are you upset? I would say it would be nice to have a boy but we are happy to become a family of 5 because I couldn't imagine only having 2 children.

I'll tell you something else, with my DS after 3 DD, I did NOT scream it to anyone. It was very awkward in fact, especially if I had my girls with me. People said the dumbest things when I did say it was a boy in front of them so I just found I avoided the conversation all together. Even when I am out now with the girls and DS is at home, I don't even say anything if someone says something about all the girls I have. I just don't give a damn about what anyone thinks anymore. It's more shocking to people that we have 3+ kids than the gender make up. We get tons of comments about that.

[begonia]

It's hard no matter how you answer it when you are disappointed. When someone asked did you find out I would say, yes, it is a girl. We are really good at making strong girls(insert whatever adjective you want to there). I found that adding that last bit prevented the oh, I'm sorry comments and turned it into- Yes, you do or you are right about that. It was a more positive response. If they asked Are you upset? I would say it would be nice to have a boy but we are happy to become a family of 5 because I couldn't imagine only having 2 children. This is actually exactly what I "needed" so to speak, because it's perfectly true :) I think I can say that and do it with a smile, because we are happy to go from 4 to 5. Thank you NBP!

I'll tell you something else, with my DS after 3 DD, I did NOT scream it to anyone. It was very awkward in fact, especially if I had my girls with me. People said the dumbest things when I did say it was a boy in front of them so I just found I avoided the conversation all together. Even when I am out now with the girls and DS is at home, I don't even say anything if someone says something about all the girls I have. I just don't give a damn about what anyone thinks anymore. It's more shocking to people that we have 3+ kids than the gender make up. We get tons of comments about that.

That's interesting to me too; I do remember when I congratulated a friend recently who found out it's a DD after 2 DS, I was (because of what I go through myself) careful to just say "congratulations! how fun to have another kiddo!" You never know ... she might have hoped for 3DS. And since I'm trying to work myself out of this view where the "perfect" family has one of each, I'm sensitive to implying that somehow by having each gender now she was some kind of success, whereas with just 2 of a kind she was lacking.

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[TTC5]

B, sorry I must have missed something, so hubby knows now? x

[begonia]

Yep, 5. He came to the anatomy scan on Monday and I mean, honestly ... when you've seen 2 already you know what's missing. The tech had us close our eyes at the "big" part, but DH knew.

[DoulaMama]

I had EVERYONE telling me it was going to be a girl. My hairdresser, my IL's, random people on the street, all my friends....I was so sure they were right:( Well, when we sent the birth announcement out over the net, no one wrote back to congratulate us. That was the first time I realized that having more than 2 of a kind made people uncomfortable. I just walked into stores and such and when people asked " so what did you get???" I simply said "a beautiful boy! We've almost got our curling team!". They just ended up congratulating me:) I didn't want sympathy, or any "I'm sorry's". I just wanted to keep my GD to myself. I hate hearing all the negative comments in front of my boys and if I so much as hear a single "oh, you finally got a girl!" I'm going to snap. It just seems that people need to say something to you, even if it's rude. I had a woman say to me(after I told her I was pregnant with my fourth)"ARE YOU NUTS?". This was in front of 5 people in her store. I had my back turned to her and I said, "Wow. Is that what you say to all the pregnant ladies that come in here?". She backpedalled and said she was sorry. I was still pissy 10 mins later. I say, be honest when you want to be, hide it when you want to as it's no ones business but your own, and come up with some great one-liners that'll shut people up:)xoxo

[My Fabulous Children]

I am so sorry B, really. I'm really sad to read this ((HUGS)) I went through this with DD #2. It was so hard for me to deal with the comments about two girls from everyone so I just said that we are having a surprise, and it doesn't matter if its a boy or girl, but I was lying inside and it killed me. I didn't want to hear someone say something negative, but of course some people still talk especially my MIL I think this woman alone made my GD worst!

I agree with NBP It's hard no matter how you answer it.

[begonia]

Thanks DM :kiss: That's interesting you mention the email; that's why I didn't email it out after the scan, I didn't want to deal with crickets or awkward congrats. The friends I could be honest with (really, who I couldn't possibly have gotten away with lying to even if I tried, LOL) have been so fantastic and encouraging. One of them said something similar to your curling team comment ... she was like, as good as your DH is at hoops you should have 2 more girls and start a WNBA franchise :bigsmile:

I do think if I can be in a mood (because I do have chipper moods about this) where I'm in a good place with it I'll handle it just fine. And if I'm in a rotten mood I'll pretend I'm on my cellphone so no one can talk to me about it :rofl:

[pinkdreams]

when I was pregnant with DS2 I was VERY open about how badly I wanted a girl, when we found out he was a boy I would usually just make a joke, like- I'm trying to get DH to let me put dresses on him for the first few months, everyone thought DS1 was a girl anyway ;) I often handle uncomfortable situations with some sort of a wisecrack, then I don't have to hear the pity in their voice, just the giggle. :(

[TTC5]

Yep, 5. He came to the anatomy scan on Monday and I mean, honestly ... when you've seen 2 already you know what's missing. The tech had us close our eyes at the "big" part, but DH knew.

How did he react? Do the girls know? I hope you guys are doing ok!!! xxxxxx

[babydes56]

B, i've been uncomfortable telling some people but i must say i'm feeling much better now since everyone now knows we having a girl. I just struggle with it on my own at times but i've accepted that i cant change her gender & that she's a person & no one should be defined by their gender. Trust me if i was younger i'd probably try for a boy but i cant & maybe that's what puts me on a downer from time to time, i dont know if i will totally get over it but hey i'm much better than i was so that's something.

I trust you'll feel better once you've overcome all the silly comments. I also think that since your DH knows you'll feel better because you can talk to him about you feel. My thoughts are with you because we share the disappointment

[applesoup]

I'm convinced my GD was so bad with DS3 because of what OTHER people said to me about my (previous + 3rd) pregnancies. Flatly, it makes people uncomfortable to see 3+ of the same gender & it baffles them. Almost in a sort of "how did you get THAT unlucky" type of way.

People were SO rude to me--the most with my 3rd pregnancy. I had people asking me at 8-9 months pregnant if I was going to "try again" for a girl. (Who wants to hear that when they're about to pop with their 3rd??) I walked in with my newborn baby boy + siblings and was told, "oh, mom didn't get her girl." ...not, Congratulations! What a beautiful baby.

And, honestly, the comments didn't stop until he was about a year old. I literally had people coming across entire restaurants to count my sons for me & ask if that was right. "no girls??"

How did I mange? I stopped the questions. "We're done." or "What's wrong with my boys?" If there was a way for me to avoid a situation or a conversation about the gender of my baby, I avoided it. I didn't attend baby showers, etc.

The problem is everyone has to say something dumb...even if it had been a boy. So, it's all about whether you offer them an easy way out, an awkward response, or a smile & nod gesture. Do what feels best to you.

Let's just say, I was so offended by things even our families said to us, that we won't be announcing until the last possible moment. 13-17 weeks if I can cover it up. THEN, I don't have to listen to it.

Hang in there. Try to realize they're usually just trying to be friendly, even if it does sound catty. And the catty ones usually dealt with it themselves. And if it protects your sanity, lie. I consider it fair game.

[begonia]

B, i've been uncomfortable telling some people but i must say i'm feeling much better now since everyone now knows we having a girl. I just struggle with it on my own at times but i've accepted that i cant change her gender & that she's a person & no one should be defined by their gender. Trust me if i was younger i'd probably try for a boy but i cant & maybe that's what puts me on a downer from time to time, i dont know if i will totally get over it but hey i'm much better than i was so that's something.

I trust you'll feel better once you've overcome all the silly comments. I also think that since your DH knows you'll feel better because you can talk to him about you feel. My thoughts are with you because we share the disappointment

Babydes, you're right ... the more of my friends that know the better I feel about it. Those who know me and know my girls have had nothing to say but happy comments. One sweet friend was crying she was so excited about another baby girl for us; I don't think she had any idea how much her excitement helped me. Another was actually the husband of a friend; he grew up in a family of 5 kids and was just so happy we were having more than 2, it was really awesome. He was like, "so what if you have FIVE girls! I'm telling you, it's THE BEST thing ever to grow up with lots of crazy siblings!"

But strangers or people I only slightly know ... yeah, they kinda suck with their comments. Oh well ... we haven't told lots of DH's extended fam (will when we see them at thanksgiving) and I know some of them will be pretty rough, but I'll just throw some pie in their face and move on :wink: Hope you're doing well and that you get to a really good place with all of this too; I know I'm working on it but definitely not there yet.

[begonia]

I'm convinced my GD was so bad with DS3 because of what OTHER people said to me about my (previous + 3rd) pregnancies. Flatly, it makes people uncomfortable to see 3+ of the same gender & it baffles them. Almost in a sort of "how did you get THAT unlucky" type of way.


This is SO true applesoup! It does seem to make people uncomfortable. Or, worse ... SMUG that they have a combo. I can't stand the people who say something like "Oh! 3 girls? No boys? I was so happy when we had one of each and I knew we didn't have to try for a third."

But you're right ... everyone has to comment. For the most part I tend to not say much back. I had a hard time with one friend this weekend where I almost teared up at her remark (I was having a very hard GD day) but luckily DH was right there and could tell what was going on, he grabbed my hand and said it was time for us to go get the kids so I didn't cry in front of her. I saw a new hairdresser today and she has a 13 yo girl and a 6 yo boy, and she was of course telling me that I have nothing to look forward to raising 3 teen daughters bc hers is a nightmare, and I better get ready because it was going to be awful. I was NOT in the mood and told her considering she had never met my kids and didn't know me either I didn't think it was wise of her to comment on who they might become over the course of the next 7-10 years. Luckily by this point my hair was already cut so I didn't have to worry about her giving me a bald spot, LOL.

FX your current pregnancy is going well and that your surprise ends up being a pink one. I remember reading a post you wrote when you 1st found out about this surprise pg! I have such a soft spot for surprise pg ... I really think they're just meant to be, KWIM? Though I have always wanted boys, I had not a bit of GD with DD1 as she was a complete surprise and after beating the birth control pills I figured she was clearly supposed to be with us :)

[CapricornAquarius]

Begonia Im so sorry you have to deal with that. Society Sux!

I was in the change rooms today and was looking at my body, I know its only early days but 2 weeks ago I was pretty sure that I could be carrying a boy, but today I just had a moment to really look at my body in the mirror in the nude and said, "Im having another girl" Im hoping Im wrong but I think I might be right.

[CapricornAquarius]

And there goes my promise to myself and my husband out the window, I said I wouldnt focus on gender anymore, but its so damn hard at times.

[Cinss]

people get more of a response by your facial expression, body language and tone of voice. So head up, smile, look them in the eye and proudly tell them that you are expecting another beautiful baby girl. Its hard not to catch enthusiasm.

[LolaInLove]

I can't stand the people who say something like "Oh! 3 girls? No boys? I was so happy when we had one of each and I knew we didn't have to try for a third."



OMG, if someone said that to me, I think my eyes would turn black and tiny horns would come out of my skull, and it would be open season for a ****** of expletives to erupt from my mouth.

But everyone here has great advice, and that fact is, people gotta say something. Whether it's from a place of ignorance or just wanting to chat or from having dealt with GD themselves, who the heck knows, but I firmly believe that stupid people need to be shut up, so I am all for the good comeback, like DM said! I would have a snappy, bitchy one and a kind but firm one for the grannys and such.

[Zivic-Bubac]

people get more of a response by your facial expression, body language and tone of voice. So head up, smile, look them in the eye and proudly tell them that you are expecting another beautiful baby girl. That is totally correct! Excellent point!

[Glittergirl]

With DS3 I just proudly told people "yup we're having a third little prince"! I've noticed if you act proud of your little girls or boys, others wont pity you! For me the gender desire came from others' comments. It wasn't til then that I started feeling like I'm lacking something cause I don't have a good mix. I'm so good at faking it that with this pregnancy I would even tell my sisters and family that I'm super close with things like "I'm hoping for another boy cause I'm just meant to be a boy mom, or I have everything I need and wont have to buy anything, or I'm not sure how I could handle a DD" Etc. Maybe my sisters and mom could see through it, but it's the only way to keep myself from crying. I do have to say--you will always get comments! I just told a stranger at the mall what I'm having after she asked how many boys/girls I have. when I told her I have 3 boys and this one is a girl she said "Oh that poor girl! With all these big brothers she doesn't have a chance!" There you go.....nothing is ever perfect!!!!!

[Zivic-Bubac]

For me the gender desire came from others' comments. It wasn't til then that I started feeling like I'm lacking something cause I don't have a good mix.
I think my feeling of lacking something was completely conditioned by my up-bringing and culture. It is not about having the mix, it's ALL about having boys. If you have only girls, you're failure and lesser mom.

It took me quite a while to realize that ( at least one reason) I want boy(s) bcos I was raised to want them and I want to be good enough and I want approval.
Now I sincerely think that I'm probably meant to be a girl mom and another girl would fit better logistically and I have all clothes she'll ever need during childhood LOL! But maybe it's bcos I wanted a boy so long or because I'm still considered like a lesser mom in the eyes of society - I do want a boy BADLY. How messed up am I? :rolleyes:

[auroara78]

I just told a stranger at the mall what I'm having after she asked how many boys/girls I have. when I told her I have 3 boys and this one is a girl she said "Oh that poor girl! With all these big brothers she doesn't have a chance!" There you go.....nothing is ever perfect!!!!!

I can't believe this! LOL, one never can win, can they?

[Waiting4Daisy]

With DS3, we found out at 16 weeks and I just didn't tell anyone. I played Team Green and posted his arrival on facebook with a pic and I got the loveliest comments. People that know me absolutely adore my boys and think I'm so lucky, it's only douchey strangers that say a few crappy things although they are not usually too bad. I always say, my baby is a boy, we are so lucky to have three wee princelets, and no one says anything bad! If they do, I just think they are jealous their kids aren't as cute as mine! :think:

[begonia]

ITA Waiting4Daisy .... the people who know us and our girls well are so happy for us to have another child and have been nothing but lovely about it being girl #3. My close friends surprised me with a lovely shower (no pink, LOL) and were so wonderful talking about how fun it is going to be to see our third daughter, given how interesting and different our 1st two are :)

But when it comes to telling perfect strangers like cashiers at the store or people who don't know us as well ... that's where I find I usually get the shockingly rude/ignorant commentary. I've gotten a much thicker skin the past few months; mostly I figure people aren't intentionally being rude (and after all, I am sensitive to it because it wasn't my dream family either) and I try to let it go.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

OMG, if someone said that to me, I think my eyes would turn black and tiny horns would come out of my skull, and it would be open season for a ****** of expletives to erupt from my mouth.

But everyone here has great advice, and that fact is, people gotta say something. Whether it's from a place of ignorance or just wanting to chat or from having dealt with GD themselves, who the heck knows, but I firmly believe that stupid people need to be shut up, so I am all for the good comeback, like DM said! I would have a snappy, bitchy one and a kind but firm one for the grannys and such.

I got this one also 3 girls and no boys? It was from a senior at the JCC. I liked her so much when DD1 and her grandson were in preschool together. After her comment, I realized I did not like her at all. I came back and said "oh no he is happy". Meaning my husband. Then she just said "I know, I know".

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I think my feeling of lacking something was completely conditioned by my up-bringing and culture. It is not about having the mix, it's ALL about having boys. If you have only girls, you're failure and lesser mom.

It took me quite a while to realize that ( at least one reason) I want boy(s) bcos I was raised to want them and I want to be good enough and I want approval.
Now I sincerely think that I'm probably meant to be a girl mom and another girl would fit better logistically and I have all clothes she'll ever need during childhood LOL! But maybe it's bcos I wanted a boy so long or because I'm still considered like a lesser mom in the eyes of society - I do want a boy BADLY. How messed up am I? :rolleyes:

You are not considered a lesser mom by no means. I just think it is just that we do not have both. I have 3 daughters. But say we had 2 sons or 3 sons, then we would want a daughter so bad.

Honestly, I think that if you have 2 boys or 2 girls though, the comments are MUCH LESS and life is easier to handle comment wise. I did not get it so much with 2 daughters. When I did, it did not get to me like it did when pg with dd3. Once you get to that #3 the PRESSURE is NUTS. Like the saying 3 strikes and your out. That is what society thinks. By the 3rd time is your chance for that girl or that boy. And that is also why for the 3rd if it is the opposite of what you have they say "finally".


I just noticed on your siggy that you are pregnant. Good luck to you. It will all work out.

Sorry if I rambled.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

We officially found out yesterday about DD3. I told 3 of my BFFs because all 3 of them know me well enough to know that 1) I wanted a son and always have, and 2) I adore my girls and my disappointment will not impact how I am with DD3. They know me well enough that when I cried (fine, full out sobbed) they just hugged me and reminded me God finds my family perfect, and that's all that matters. I'm working on finding it to be perfect myself, but in the meantime I keep reminding myself that He doesn't see my 3 girls as anything less than perfect, or me for having them.

SO anyhow ... I had to tell a non-close-friend today because she said "I'm so excited to hear it's a boy for you in 4 months!" ... I can't handle hearing that for the next 4 months. So I just said "well, you won't, we found out yesterday it's a girl." And she said "oh, I'm so sorry!" I know she meant sorry for her comment, and not for the baby, but it was hard to hold it together. I just awkwardly laughed and said (my girls were both with me) that we were thrilled to have a third healthy child.

Tomorrow I go to DD2's preschool and know I'm going to be running into loads of moms/teachers I know well (DD's elementary school I'm still fairly anonymous) and I don't know how I'll do having to break the news. Did anyone else struggle with that? How did you tell people without revealing your own disappointment?

It totally sucks too, because I know if we were having a boy we'd be screaming it to total strangers. But because it's yet another girl we (and others) struggle to celebrate it. I hate that; I blame some of it on the pressure to have one of each ... I mean if I'm honest that's why I swayed, to AVOID having 3 of a kind. So I get why people don't celebrate it, I totally do, but I wish they (and I) could be as excited as if we were having a DS.

I went through all this when pg with DD3.

I also thought if it were a boy I would be screaming. But even when we get exactly what we want it is not always like we may imagine. I also had and have in my head that life and comments would be so different with a son.

But as you can see from other posts the comments go on.

The main thing is if we feel insecure and not happy with the gender we are having, it makes it so difficult to play it off with others that we are so happy.

I learned early on when pg with DD3 how the comments came. I did not go out much when pregnant and when I got a comment from places I had to go to I just said "I am blessed with a girl". I got jaws dropping and like OOOh, OOOH said.

Like another post said, the comments lessen when the child gets older.

You get less comments once they are more grown and it is not all about what you had.

Hope I helped. I am still struggling myself, but I notice I am finally getting more strength after 19 months.

Good luck to you.

[AshHernandez86]

Just found out today we are having DS #5....ecstatic even though I thought I'd be disappointed! Man, God sure makes miracles and he has blessed us with this beautiful son! We are sooooo excited!!!