Hesitant about ttc

[MiaMelb]

Hi ladies,

I feel like I don't really have anyone irl that I can vent to about this and thought since GD is playing a bit of a roll in this that some of you may have had a similar experience or know where I'm coming from.

I've always wanted a little boy after growing up in an all girl family, attending an all girl school and now working in a female dominant environment. I just feel it would suit me. After two children (didn't know about swaying) I now have two wonderful DDs. The decision to have the first was tricky (the unknown, change of lifestyle etc) but knew we always wanted kids so took the plunge. The decision to have the second was the easiest (wanted a sibling for DD1). However really deciding to have a third is proving very very difficult. I've never felt so indecisive in all my life and as a planner my flip flopping on this is very out of character.

My DH is very happy with his two DDs and has been slow to come around to the idea of a third. He feels that the financial pressure this will put us under will likely significantly impact the lifestyle that we can lead and what opportunities we might be able to give our DDs. I totally get where he's coming from, it makes complete logical sense to me, but after finding this site while still pregnant with DD2 I haven't been able to shake the idea of giving it one last try (with swaying) in hope for a son.

After chatting with DH about getting my mirena removed he says he'll be supportive of whatever I want to do. The pressure I feel that this is 'my decision' is weighing on me heavily, particularly given the result may well be an opposite (we both seem to have all lot of girl friendly things going for us naturally). My hope is to ttc between April and July 2018. I just booked an appointment to have the mirena removed next week but I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I feel like I'm going through the motions a little without being totally present. Kinda how people describe having an out of body experience and watching themselves from above.

Has anyone experienced a strong sense of hesitation prior to ttc? Does this mean I'm not ready? Or I shouldn't pursue this at all?

TIA for your thoughts.

[Bluebooties]

I did. I was in the same situation as yours the only difference being my DH never says no to the idea of kids [emoji4]. I had closed the kids chapter after dd2 but after a co worker mentioned "swaying" curiosity got the best of me and i stumbled onto this site and after 4 yrs of being "done" i reopened the chapter of "should be have a third".
I took a long while in thinking it over and struggled with the idea of "what if its a girl" "is a 3rd child workable or will i just ruin what we already have by throwing in a 3rd".
The bottom line was there was this hope that this site had given me and i just couldn't stop wondering " what if ? ". So for me i had to give swaying a try or i would not have been able to rest in peace.

I did get a sway opposite btw and regretted swaying deeply. Not to mention that "letting my guard down" for swaying opened the route for my current oopsie a year after my DD3 so now i am having to deal with 4 kids where i was once hesitant at the thought of no.3.

So bottom line its natural to feel hesitant. Just weigh ur pros and cons before you make a final decision.

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[boywish]

Hi MiaMelb I'm probably not much help as we are in the same boat as you.
We just had DD2 (failed sway) and are talking about a 3rd (thinking of going HT) but are very conscious of the financial and lifestyle implications of having 3 vs 2.
Like you I always wanted to have a boy (although I came from a boy heavy family) and I know hubby would love a boy.
I think it's normal to be hesitant prior to ttc and doesn't necessarily mean you aren't ready yet or shouldn't pursue it. It's a big decision to make!
Good luck with whatever you decide - sending you blue dust too [emoji4]


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[trifecta]

I think cold feet can mean almost anything: they can just indicate a little nervousness or they can mean that on some level you really don't want to go ahead with it. How do you think you would handle it if your third was also a girl? If you found out you were pregnant today, would you feel mostly joyful and excited about it? Just a few questions to toss around in your head.

[MiaMelb]

I did. I was in the same situation as yours the only difference being my DH never says no to the idea of kids [emoji4]. I had closed the kids chapter after dd2 but after a co worker mentioned "swaying" curiosity got the best of me and i stumbled onto this site and after 4 yrs of being "done" i reopened the chapter of "should be have a third".
I took a long while in thinking it over and struggled with the idea of "what if its a girl" "is a 3rd child workable or will i just ruin what we already have by throwing in a 3rd".
The bottom line was there was this hope that this site had given me and i just couldn't stop wondering " what if ? ". So for me i had to give swaying a try or i would not have been able to rest in peace.

I did get a sway opposite btw and regretted swaying deeply. Not to mention that "letting my guard down" for swaying opened the route for my current oopsie a year after my DD3 so now i am having to deal with 4 kids where i was once hesitant at the thought of no.3.

So bottom line its natural to feel hesitant. Just weigh ur pros and cons before you make a final decision.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

Wow Bluebooties, your experience definitely gives food for thought.

Congratulations on your current pregnancy, I hope after the initial shock of an oopsy you've found some happiness and excitement for your expanding family. Are you going team green or finding out the sex?
It's a bit of a moot question now given #4 is on the way so close to DD3 but were you ever worried out the age gap between DD2 and #3? DH is keen to wait and if I knew #3 would be a boy I could delay a while but given the real chance of another girl I don't want her to feel like the third wheel as DD1 and 2 are quite close in age.

[MiaMelb]

I think cold feet can mean almost anything: they can just indicate a little nervousness or they can mean that on some level you really don't want to go ahead with it. How do you think you would handle it if your third was also a girl? If you found out you were pregnant today, would you feel mostly joyful and excited about it? Just a few questions to toss around in your head.

I'm realistic about the fact #3 may well be a girl. Obviously extremely disappointed about never having the boy I dream of but to be honest I have amazing girls, really truly great. If a third girl was anything like my others then I'd be extremely lucky and thankful.

[MiaMelb]

Hi MiaMelb I'm probably not much help as we are in the same boat as you.
We just had DD2 (failed sway) and are talking about a 3rd (thinking of going HT) but are very conscious of the financial and lifestyle implications of having 3 vs 2.
Like you I always wanted to have a boy (although I came from a boy heavy family) and I know hubby would love a boy.
I think it's normal to be hesitant prior to ttc and doesn't necessarily mean you aren't ready yet or shouldn't pursue it. It's a big decision to make!
Good luck with whatever you decide - sending you blue dust too [emoji4]


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Congrats on the arrival of DD2. It will be interesting to see how your heart feels in a years time? Two years time?
Am I right you are in Aust too?

[Throwaway_panther]

Wow Bluebooties, your experience definitely gives food for thought.

Congratulations on your current pregnancy, I hope after the initial shock of an oopsy you've found some happiness and excitement for your expanding family. Are you going team green or finding out the sex?
It's a bit of a moot question now given #4 is on the way so close to DD3 but were you ever worried out the age gap between DD2 and #3? DH is keen to wait and if I knew #3 would be a boy I could delay a while but given the real chance of another girl I don't want her to feel like the third wheel as DD1 and 2 are quite close in age.

As much as I'm panicking over the age gap of my DD with any possible sibling, I do want to say: I don't think a third DD OR DS would be a third wheel. At least not all the time. I think all 3 kid families inevitably have that dynamic at times, but it changes! I am very close to my sister 8 years younger than me, who is not at all close to my sister 5 years older than her (I am close with both). My husband isn't even remotely close to his Irish twin, but is much closer to his brother 3 years younger. It all comes down to personality!

[Bluebooties]

Wow Bluebooties, your experience definitely gives food for thought.

Congratulations on your current pregnancy, I hope after the initial shock of an oopsy you've found some happiness and excitement for your expanding family. Are you going team green or finding out the sex?
It's a bit of a moot question now given #4 is on the way so close to DD3 but were you ever worried out the age gap between DD2 and #3? DH is keen to wait and if I knew #3 would be a boy I could delay a while but given the real chance of another girl I don't want her to feel like the third wheel as DD1 and 2 are quite close in age.I am team green but i strongly feel given the odds that this will be another girl. I at this point have just accepted defeat and my fate. Whats destined will happen no matter how much i beat myself over it.

I was and still am petrified. Bring the planner that i am i had never in my wildest dreams imagined having 2 kids in diapers and drinking from bottles/sippy cups. I am thus actively working on potty training my 20 month old and have already taken her off bottles but i feel its unfair on her that all of a sudden mommy is now pushing her to be a "big girl"

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[LMSM]

As someone who soon will have a third girl, 4.5 years gap with her eldest sister – I hope that the bond will be there - as TP says, it all boils down to personality so try not to worry yourself sick about a certain age gap...I have a ½ sister, 3 years older than me and we have literally no bond/relationship (as we grew up we got along but now, she grates me so bad on the few times every few years I see her) . My 2 brothers, 3.5 and 8 years younger am very close to… you never know until they are there how their relationship will be and evolve :hugs:

[Bluebooties]

I second what the other ladies just said. My DD3 currently 20 week old simply adores DD1 who is 8 years older than her more than DD2 who is 4 tears older than her. Its all about personalities. Now even though i didnt plan it this way but having an age gap helped me a lot. My DD3 is practically being raised by dd1 and dd2. I can actually sit and relax or go about my house work knowing that the eldest 2 are looking out for dd3 and making sure she is entertained and out of trouble.

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[Throwaway_panther]

I am team green but i strongly feel given the odds that this will be another girl. I at this point have just accepted defeat and my fate. Whats destined will happen no matter how much i beat myself over it.

I was and still am petrified. Bring the planner that i am i had never in my wildest dreams imagined having 2 kids in diapers and drinking from bottles/sippy cups. I am thus actively working on potty training my 20 month old and have already taken her off bottles but i feel its unfair on her that all of a sudden mommy is now pushing her to be a "big girl"

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AHHH. You're pregnant again BB?! I had no idea! Congratulations!! I hope you get your boy <3333

[Bluebooties]

Thanks Tp ! I deliver tomorrow so we shall see but i am not getting my hopes up.

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[MiaMelb]

Thanks Tp ! I deliver tomorrow so we shall see but i am not getting my hopes up.

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Aaaah wow, didn't realise you were so so close to delivery BB. How exciting (and terrifying). Wishing you a quick and safe delivery and a beautiful healthy baby at the end. Looking forward to hearing your news over the next few days.

[Bluebooties]

Aaaah wow, didn't realise you were so so close to delivery BB. How exciting (and terrifying). Wishing you a quick and safe delivery and a beautiful healthy baby at the end. Looking forward to hearing your news over the next few days.Its a girl !

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[MiaMelb]

Its a girl !

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:awe::DD: BB Congratulations on the arrival of another beautiful daughter to add to your brood. In time, her and DD3 will be inseparable I imagine, so much mischief to be had. Wishing you a speedy recovery and that DD4 settles in well.

[atomic sagebrush]

Ok. I'm going to throw my 2cents out here which is:

Sometimes guys say "I'll support your decision" as a method of dodging the responsibility of the decision while reserving the right to hold you accountable for everything that happens after that. That's my take on it (and my experience as well) I'm not saying this is necessarily true for your hubby but it is something I have seen happen. It is a passive aggressive thing - "yes you make this choice" said out loud and then there is resentment when you make the "wrong" choice. So just be aware, again, not saying this is what is happening but I do feel that it happens and has happened to me personally.

I think it's really natural to have some hesitation TTC anyway and when you feel like your partner is not in it to win it, it adds to the ambivalence of the whole thing.

Wishing you wisdom in knowing what the right thing to do is.

[atomic sagebrush]

As much as I'm panicking over the age gap of my DD with any possible sibling, I do want to say: I don't think a third DD OR DS would be a third wheel. At least not all the time. I think all 3 kid families inevitably have that dynamic at times, but it changes! I am very close to my sister 8 years younger than me, who is not at all close to my sister 5 years older than her (I am close with both). My husband isn't even remotely close to his Irish twin, but is much closer to his brother 3 years younger. It all comes down to personality!

:agree: I completely agree with this. My 3 younger ones, 2 boys and a girl, are peas in a pod. Sometimes one of them is off by themselves, but it's almost always voluntary. Whereas my two older boys never really got along that well (even though they do now as adults). It's just the kids personalities that matter the most.

[MiaMelb]

Ok. I'm going to throw my 2cents out here which is:

Sometimes guys say "I'll support your decision" as a method of dodging the responsibility of the decision while reserving the right to hold you accountable for everything that happens after that. That's my take on it (and my experience as well) I'm not saying this is necessarily true for your hubby but it is something I have seen happen. It is a passive aggressive thing - "yes you make this choice" said out loud and then there is resentment when you make the "wrong" choice. So just be aware, again, not saying this is what is happening but I do feel that it happens and has happened to me personally.

I think it's really natural to have some hesitation TTC anyway and when you feel like your partner is not in it to win it, it adds to the ambivalence of the whole thing.

Wishing you wisdom in knowing what the right thing to do is.

Thanks Atomic for your thoughts. DH is definitely the passive aggressive type. However he's not very malicious so I suspect his reluctance to really make a decision comes more from not wanting to rock the boat and not wanting to mess with something that's working. He actually really likes kids and is always very good with ours, perhaps he's just a little tired. On a side note too he told me yesterday that he'd raised this idea of another baby with DD1 and asking her thoughts so he's perhaps getting his head around the idea.

[boywish]

Congrats on the arrival of DD2. It will be interesting to see how your heart feels in a years time? Two years time?
Am I right you are in Aust too?

Thank you! Yes I'm in Aus too. I think if we could do HT here in Aus I wouldn't think twice about it, however the cost of HT overseas has me questioning it all, but as I already have 1 failed sway I don't know that I want to rely on swaying again - but who knows maybe third time is the charm?