Venting, again ...

[begonia]

I had a rotten weekend. 2 friends announced they're expecting boys and they both have 2 girls already. Freaking fabulous. I cried literally all day on Saturday. I was volunteering with a woman today who had 4 sons (all grown now) and I was just totally envious.

I hate how GD has ruined so much about my life lately. And yet there's nothing I can do about it. I just keep telling myself I can't compare my family to everyone else's and my family is all I've got, so I better enjoy it. I'm hoping that sinks in but honestly, all I feel lately is mad at my "bad" luck and myself for ever even wanting a son. I know I'm blessed to have a healthy baby/pregnancy and all that, really ... I do. I have dear friends who can't get pg, friends who have lost living children, friends who have miscarried. I SEE that I am blessed; but I don't FEEL that way at all. Borrowed perspective is not the same as living through something yourself, and since I haven't lost a child/miscarried/etc THIS is my reality. I feel quite cursed, not so much because of this baby but because of my attitude towards this baby. I dreamt last night that I lost this baby and in my dream, I felt like I had dodged a bullet. I was thrilled to move on with my life. :sad:

I can't change this baby or the fact that I already have two girls. All I can change is my own attitude and perspective about it, but I can't for the life of me GET there. I have said it before and I mean it, I know I'll love DD3, I know I'll be happy to have her, but I fear that I will always look at families who have boys and be eaten up with envy, and look at my own family and feel disappointment. Not in them as people, but in the fact that we couldn't have a son when all I ever hoped for was a whole bunch of boys :tissue:

[LolaInLove]

Oh B, this made me sad to read, and I totally understand how you feel. I had a friend have a baby on Friday, and I remember like yesterday her text that she was pg. It's a girl, but still, made me really sad. I would have freaked too if I had 2 friends having boys after 2 girls. I don't know what to say, other than you keep on posting here and venting your feelings. I think that is always therapeutic in a way to just say/write how you feel. Do you talk to your DH about it? Sometimes there is nothing that can heal these feelings but time. I'm so sorry you are having these dreams and feel so terrible about it. You know you are in my prayers, hun. Vent away anytime you need, as you know there are tons of ladies on here who have experienced what you do and can be super helpful. I can just offer you my virtual shoulder. xxoo

[begonia]

Thank you lovely Lola for being so understanding! I think you're right that really it's just going to take some time; I just can't believe it is THIS bad, KWIM? I really, really didn't ever think I'd feel this way.

DH does know all of it, and has been super supportive, which surprises me. I'm so thankful for that though. He just keeps saying we'll have a 4th, LOL, because that's what men do, fix things :) But the idea of a 4th at this point is so overwhelming; right now I'm just so caught up in the fact that none of my 3 are my DG.

[nuthinbutpink]

I'm so sorry you are down. I know how you feel. I've been there. I really hope you can talk him into going HT when you are ready.

[CapricornAquarius]

:hug2:

[Hobbermittens]

I totally know how you feel. I really, really do. I KNOW I have one boy already, so this probably means less coming from me, but honestly, I had the most rotten time with GD and my DD2 until really recently. I'm not sure what changed, but I am really enjoying her now... but she's 19 months old. It took me a LONG time to get here.

All I ever wanted was boys. I remember telling my mom (when I was younger) that I was having 4 boys when I had my own family; when she asked what would happen if I had a girl, I scoffed, "I won't, but if I do (ha ha), you can have her!" I honestly thought my life would be so much different than it has turned out to be.

The things that have been making me feel better about having girls are little things. DD1 just told me about having a crush on a boy (she's only 7!!!) and that made me happy--not the crush part, but the part where she wanted to confide in me. I don't know, but I think girls are more likely than boys to do that. It also helps to see how my sister and I have stayed close to my parents while my brother hasn't; I know that's cliche, but for us it has been true.

GD sucks so bad. I hate that it even exists, and I am so sorry that you are struggling with it, begonia. I wish there was some magic pill we could take to make it go away. :(

[TTC5]

Big hugs B, been there myself believe me :'(

[lucysky]

Hugs. I've had that dream too. My mom constantly reminds me that some people would kill to have children. It only makes me feel worse for having gd.

[ELP]

Sorry B:hugs: Does your DH know that little one is a girl, or are you still on your own with it? Is the possibility of PGD available to you? Maybe if you can start looking into the high tech stuff then you can start looking forward to your son and even put this pregnancy to the back of your mind almost until she arrives and steals your heart xxxx

[Regrow]

I suffered really badly with GD when I was pregnant with DS2, but god sent me the most beautiful child a mop of blonde curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. I sometimes still feel guilty about those thoughts. Did you ever stop to think that people will look at your family make up and be envious that you have 3 gorgeous DD's. I certainly would! I decided to go HT with my third as I knew that I wanted a girl and not just another baby. Please enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and seriously think about HT further down the track. After my DS2 I never even imagined we would have a third so I am sure a fourth may not be out of the equation yet for you. Take care x

[auroara78]

I just keep telling myself I can't compare my family to everyone else's and my family is all I've got, so I better enjoy it. I'm hoping that sinks in but honestly, all I feel lately is mad at my "bad" luck and myself for ever even wanting a son. I know I'm blessed to have a healthy baby/pregnancy and all that, really ... I do. I have dear friends who can't get pg, friends who have lost living children, friends who have miscarried. I SEE that I am blessed; but I don't FEEL that way at all.

B, this is how I felt when I was preggo with boy 2; I kept seeing couples or women who had 1 boy then girls or 1 boy or a girl, and I felt that I'd never have that. I used to dream of having only DDs, and then my dream dwindled to hopefully TWO DDs, and now I'm just desperate and praying for 1. It took me a few months to accept DS2; for the first two months of his life, when I'd be rocking him to sleep I'd whisper to him that I was sorry that I wasn't more "into" him. Now he's 7 months old, and I've come a long way; I can honestly say that I would not trade him for a daughter, i love him to pieces.

Hoping that once you meet your newest DD that things will fall into place, and I wouldn't lose the hope of a 4th yet. Primarily what helped me was the knowledge that hubby was gonna let us try again.

We're always here for u, B, vent away :)

[begonia]

Thanks ladies, it really does help to hear from others. It's just SUCH a miserable place to be. I do know some people would love to have all girls but I was never one of those people; I could have happily had all boys, like you Hobber. It's really hard for me with DD2 now because she's pretty girly and wants things like a purple christmas tree or a princess toy, and it just makes me sad because I have no interest in that stuff. I get things for her to see her delight in them but I don't feel much joy in it myself, and I hate that for her ... I wish I could be more into what she's into, I feel like she'd have so much more fun with a different mom :sad: I feel like IF I had a son I'd be better able to let her be herself because I'd have the balance of a boy (though with my luck he'd just want a princess toy too, LOL) but right now I just feel like I'm going to be trapped in a pink and purple haze for the next 18 years. I hate this so much because I adore my girls as people, I really couldn't be more proud of them, DD1 is one of the kindest kids I know. I just wish I wasn't going to have to do all this "girl" stuff for the rest of my life. The tutus and nail polish and Barbies in my future make me sad.

I know I will love the baby, babies are pretty gender neutral ... but this is another girl, and in a couple of years I'll be with her where I am with DD2. I guess at least they will have each other. 30 years from now they can talk to each other about how uninterested their mother was with anything they wanted to do. I hate that I feel like I'm going to suck as a mother because my children are girls but I do, I really do think I would have been a much better mom to boys. I deeply regret having another child which is so contrary to that anecdote about only regretting the children you don't have. I think this is the biggest mistake I've ever made.

Re: HT DH is adamantly against it. He's open to a 4th through us getting pg again the good ol' fashioned way, or through adoption. At this point I am not at all interested in a 4th, I can't get past wanting THIS baby (or either of my 1st 2 pg) to have been a boy. I will absolutely not get pg again on my own with the whole 50/50 shot of a girl again. It'll have to be adoption for us at this point, and it's something we have discussed as a possibility for years anyway, though at the time it was never for gender-specific reasons but more because we do believe we could love the child as our own, and provide it with a loving home and great opportunities. I'm not so sure of that now because I feel like I was only cut-out for raising 3. I hope I can get to a place where it feels like a good idea again, but four kids really does boggle my mind.

[auroara78]

/hugs B

When I found out DS2 was a boy, all I imagined was more years of dinosaur, dump trucks, green and blue, "muddy mud pits" as my DS1 calls the holes he's dug in our backyard, and I felt so deflated....

my best advice is to take it a day a time, i know it's easier said than done, but trying to imagine your future in the span of many years can be so overwhelming.

Maybe DD3 will be a major tomboy! I was very upset when my only niece hated Barbies and purple and pink...she's still such a tomboy at 15!!

[Hobbermittens]

I hate that I feel like I'm going to suck as a mother because my children are girls but I do, I really do think I would have been a much better mom to boys. I deeply regret having another child which is so contrary to that anecdote about only regretting the children you don't have. I think this is the biggest mistake I've ever made.


I promise this feeling will go away. Honestly, I felt the same way for most of DD2's first year. I know it is awful to say that, and I feel really guilty about it now. But if I had a time machine back then, I would have gone back and not had her. I feel terrible saying that now, because honestly, I can't imagine her not being here. Yes, she's a little devil (I swear it is payback for my GD), but her siblings love her, and she adds a little something special and extra to our lives. I know you will get to that point too, maybe not right away, but after a while. I think (for me, anyway) the GD was exacerbated by the pregnancy hormones and also some Postpardum depression. Now that those things have gone away, I feel much better about the way my family has turned out.

Also, I don't know your naming style, but it REALLY helped me to give my DD2 a sort of unisex name. I loved her name so much it helped my GD out a lot. And I still think, out of the 3 kids I have, her name is the coolest. :)

[begonia]

/hugs B
\Maybe DD3 will be a major tomboy! I was very upset when my only niece hated Barbies and purple and pink...she's still such a tomboy at 15!!

Thank you Auroara ... it's funny, the reason I mostly focused on DD2's personality/desires is DD1 is, thank heavens, a TOTAL tomboy. I love it. I hope she never changes. We've gotten to have Batman and Spiderman birthday parties; this year it's scooby doo :) It would definitely help if DD3 was more like that.

I do agree, a day at a time is really the only way to make it through this. When I think about them all 5 years from now I get very overwhelmed.

[begonia]

I promise this feeling will go away. Honestly, I felt the same way for most of DD2's first year. I know it is awful to say that, and I feel really guilty about it now. But if I had a time machine back then, I would have gone back and not had her. I feel terrible saying that now, because honestly, I can't imagine her not being here. Yes, she's a little devil (I swear it is payback for my GD), but her siblings love her, and she adds a little something special and extra to our lives. I know you will get to that point too, maybe not right away, but after a while. I think (for me, anyway) the GD was exacerbated by the pregnancy hormones and also some Postpardum depression. Now that those things have gone away, I feel much better about the way my family has turned out.

Also, I don't know your naming style, but it REALLY helped me to give my DD2 a sort of unisex name. I loved her name so much it helped my GD out a lot. And I still think, out of the 3 kids I have, her name is the coolest. :)

Hobber this helps SO MUCH. It really really does. I am so thankful that DH is excited about this baby, he said last night he's actually more excited this time than he's ever been, because I think he might need to pick up some slack on my end. I really do wish I could undo this and just go back to having my 2 girls. And I do think this is going to carry over into her 1st year or so, unfortunately. It's so bad I can't imagine that just having her is going to make it go away. So it is encouraging to know that you went through it and got past it, even if it took awhile. You make a great point about seeing her in the family, because I keep forgetting that I'm NOT the only one she'll have a relationship with.

DD3 will be named after MIL. If it was a DS it was going to be after FIL, so we just decided to do MIL for a girl. We did think about using FIL's name as a MN but part of me is still hanging on to the idea that we'll have a boy to give that name to one day. Seriously though 4 kids just seems impossible to me! We do so many things as a family like sporting events, travel, etc and all of that with 4 kids in tow seems crazy. I also worry about being there for 4 adult children when they have families/grandchildren. I don't know why though, I mean I'm not sure that 4 would be THAT much harder than 3? I guess you'll find out :)

[juffertje2]

Hey. I'm new here. I can tell you I had a huge GD while pregnant with my boy #3... with #2 I was ok with it, and I still kept the door open for a third child. But I was so depressed when I found out it was another boy. how was that even possible? i had two already, so I didn't need a third...I cried for days, and my best friend gave birth to her second girl....That was so hard for me. I saw what I would never have. I didn't want this child anymore, all I wanted was to get rid of it. But now he's here, he's my precious. The first month I was so happy and all was ok. But then the feeling came back. A beautifull girl of my own. Now, surprise surprise, I'm pregnant with #4......god do I hope it's a girl. it would make me complete. I do beleive it would make me a better mum to my boys, because I still have trouble to enjoy them, always comparing them to the one thing I don't have...

[begonia]

Hey. I'm new here. I can tell you I had a huge GD while pregnant with my boy #3... with #2 I was ok with it, and I still kept the door open for a third child. But I was so depressed when I found out it was another boy. how was that even possible? i had two already, so I didn't need a third...I cried for days, and my best friend gave birth to her second girl....That was so hard for me. I saw what I would never have. I didn't want this child anymore, all I wanted was to get rid of it. But now he's here, he's my precious. The first month I was so happy and all was ok. But then the feeling came back. A beautifull girl of my own. Now, surprise surprise, I'm pregnant with #4......god do I hope it's a girl. it would make me complete. I do beleive it would make me a better mum to my boys, because I still have trouble to enjoy them, always comparing them to the one thing I don't have...

Thank you for posting! I highlighted parts of your post that are just EXACTLY how I feel. #2 was disappointing to hear girl again, but knew we'd have a third so was able to get over it quickly and really enjoy her, thinking I'd have a boy next time.

And maybe I'm wrong but yes, I also think having a son would make me a better mom to my girls... weird how that is, but I just think being satisfied in having him would enable me to better enjoy the girls for who they are. So I completely get what you're saying, and appreciate you sharing. FX that #4 is your little girl!!!!

[juffertje2]

Yes I hope this is my girl! I'm 8 weeks pregnant and I'm getting my nub tested at 12 weeks. 4 more stressfull weeks to go untill I'll get some information about wether this could be my girl or 4th son....I now that result isn´t a 100% accurate but there´s a change it could be.....During my pregnancy of #3 I could have peace with the fact that it was a boy when my husband told me he woukld consider a 4th child....only then I new I still had a change...Now #4 is on its way, but that´s it. I will not have 5 children. So this is my very last chance. I was checking out high tech, but oops...I got pregnant. So no swaying or what so ever....just nature taking it´s course....