I lost my baby

[Blessedbymybabies]

Hi Atomic. A few weeks ago you and i were discussing my question on another post, and I had my 16 week ultrasound coming up the next day. I have not been back since. I feel torn apart. We went into my ultrasound so happy, on cloud 9 just to see its beautiful little figure. My happiness from thinking I clearly see "Girl" from the very clearly obvious position my baby was in, was shattered within 60 seconds, when the tech turned off the machine and said my baby had no heartbeat. I had a D&C 2 weeks ago. I may have to go in for another as the doctor says there may be some retained pregnancy tissue. My world feels like it has melted. They dont have any insight as to why. Im doing genetic testing and the results are pending.

My doctor said the results we got so far for other testing came back normal.
I blame myself. I blame the folate I stopped. I know we discussed for so long back and forth and you warned me Atomic not to stop the high dose of folate cold turkey. I had ordered some because all i could find was with the B12 in stores in my city. It took a while to arrive and was delayed. and I know you told me if nothing else than take the one I have here with the b12.
I didnt. by the time I got my hands on the normal folate a while had gone by without it and I didnt bother. My doctor told me not to take the one with b12 in high dose, she pulled up her computer, for minutes convinced me that nothing would happen if I stop it, pretty much promised it. It was so time sensitive since I had just ran out of folate and I made a decision I really didnt think it would happen
I hate myself, I should have listened to you if on anything than on this. I always have.
When I lost my son in September of last year, he had several severe heart defects. We thought something was amiss from early ultrasounds with him. Genetic testing came back normal for him and my husband and I. It was not related to any chromosonal abnormality either and my doctor called it just an unfortunate bad luck, an isolated incident that would likely not happen again.

We had an ultrasound at 14 weeks with this one and everything looked perfect. So far they said the heart is very reassuring. The genetic testing will likely reveal if there was any defects but in my heart I believe this baby was healthy. This baby was perfect I know it. I know in my heart it was caused because of the folate...
I just dont know what to do from here. Everyone in my life is pushing me to wait a year or two before trying again. "Your body isnt handling it well right now" someone told me to get it out of my head for now, focus on my two beautiful children who are my world. Im sick of hearing it.
I want my baby. I wanted a baby. I worked so hard on my sway and Im positive it had worked from what it looked like (will be confirmed with the testing as well) butI know in my heart whatever it turned out to be I dont care, I wanted my baby in my arms. I have just come so far since my son and it was so hard to try again. Im not sure how to feel right now. Im back to square one, after the baby I lost last year, before all my swaying, after everything I went through.

The only reason I was able to get back to normal after the loss of my son was because I knew I would try again. To be honest even the swaying, it was healing to me. I felt healthy. So healthy. I read how people had such a hard time, it was great for me. I felt I was changing everything that could have affected my baby last time. I felt nothing could go wrong. Im back to square one. Im so upset with myself, I cant believe I lost another child. What could have likely been the daughter of my dreams. I wanted her so bad.

[atomic sagebrush]

Oh no I'm so terribly sorry to hear this.

You do not need to wait a year or two. Those people don't have your best interests at heart. They are doing what makes THEM feel more comfortable. What you say is exactly true - most women feel healed by TTC/getting pregnant again. They do NOT feel any better waiting some "appropriate" amount of time that is set by other people. People don't like seeing those they care about having struggles and losses and I truly do think that it's easier for them to tell us to "wait X number of months/years" as a way to ensure that they don't have to worry about your suffering. It is all about them, not about you at all. You follow your heart and gut and if you are ready to try again then we will try again as quickly as we have the ok (and I mean the MEDICAL ok, not the "psychological" ok, which is based on these old outdated ideas of women as hysterical ninnies who can't think for themselves)

It is easier for people to put blame on you (your body isn't handling this well right now?? really?? how can that do anything other than make you feel at fault?? It is NOT YOUR FAULT!) than to acknowledge that sometimes bad things just happen. This is because if they mentally admit that bad things just happen, that means bad things can just happen to THEM and none of us want to believe that. So people will resort to euphemisms like they have been but the euphemisms do not reflect reality in any way. It is very, very likely that you will get pregnant again and have no problems with the pregnancy and have a perfectly healthy baby at the end of it. This is true whether you get pregnant in 2 years' time or next week. And in fact since age does have an effect on egg quality and overall health of a pregnancy, waiting could actually be more harmful than TTC within the next month or two.

Why do they think you might have retained tissue?? Are you drinking RRLT or anything along those lines?

[LA_Girl]

Hi,

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s devastating. I too lost a baby at 20 weeks and found out at the scan. Like you, I blamed myself. The only thing I could pin it on was that I had coloured my hair at six weeks’ pregnant and not known that this wasn’t recommended at the time. I always felt like I just didn’t buy it that “it was one of those things”. I felt there was a reason for it, it was just that nobody could tell me what the reason was. Now I just accept that everybody is dealt a bad hand at times in life, and for me, that was one of those times, and not the only one.

Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

[4blue2pink]

oh my goodness :( there are some very sad posts today..

Blessedbymybabies i am so very sorry that you have had to go through two losses, i lost my daughter at 18 weeks (no reasons found) and blamed myself too. This isnt your fault and as Atomic says those who tell you to wait months/years are only doing so because it makes them feel more comfortable. If you are physically ok and you feel that Ttc is the right thing for you then do it. :heart: I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do xx

LA_Girl im so sorry for your loss also :heart: xx

[LA_Girl]

4Blue2Pink - Thanks, and I’m sorry to hear about your loss too. I think it’s a lot more common than people realise. It’s just that it’s not really talked about in real life as I think it makes people feel uncomfortable. Xxx

[4blue2pink]

sadly thats very true LA_Girl, it really shouldnt be a "taboo" subject xx

[Blessedbymybabies]

They think I might have retained tissue because I went in to the doctors to ask her about my bleeding. After my D&c my bleeding was tapering off like it should and just about went back to normal color discharge within the week but then I started getting heavy period like bleeding a few days ago. I was sent for an ultrasound and she told me it seems to be retained tissue. The hospital where I had my d&c was contacted and they called me back and asked me to come in for a followup ultrasound to double check as the tech didnt give them "all the information they need" and they so far have booked me for another d&c but if the ultrasound reveals that i dont need one then they wont do it. That is the extent of my knowledge. I have not been drinking any sort of teas...

[Blessedbymybabies]

Thanks guys... :( I agree. I dont usually care what anyone says but this is literally the only thing I have been hearing from 80% of people in my life, along with "Your still young". Im turning 29 next month and I wanted to be finished with having children before 30. Its killing me whenever i hear that because I know its the only thing I want and the only thing that would be the most healing, as Atomic said. I literally asked what on earth is waiting two years going to do I dont get it. I mentioned to my mother who im very close to and she said exactly what Atomic said. People dont want to see you keep suffering. All this makes me want to do it not tell anyone about my pregnancy until im popping and they start asking me "Your pregnant?"....if it was possible I swear I wouldnt even say until I deliver and make sure everything is ok.

[Throwaway_panther]

Thanks guys... :( I agree. I dont usually care what anyone says but this is literally the only thing I have been hearing from 80% of people in my life, along with "Your still young". Im turning 29 next month and I wanted to be finished with having children before 30. Its killing me whenever i hear that because I know its the only thing I want and the only thing that would be the most healing, as Atomic said. I literally asked what on earth is waiting two years going to do I dont get it. I mentioned to my mother who im very close to and she said exactly what Atomic said. People dont want to see you keep suffering. All this makes me want to do it not tell anyone about my pregnancy until im popping and they start asking me "Your pregnant?"....if it was possible I swear I wouldnt even say until I deliver and make sure everything is ok.

Wow, this comment is very much me. I dreamed of being done before 30, and that drea changed. I dreamed of having 3 or 4 kids -- that has dramatically changed. I dreamed we'd figure out the reasons for our losses , and that changed. I dreamed we'd finally do PGS and get our miracle, rainbow boy. That changed.

I don't think you need to wait. TTC is always very personal, and I can tell you the months I was told to abstain after a loss made me far more depressed than when I just tried. I will say: you CAN do that next pregnancy! You don't owe anyone anything. We're literally not announcing this pregnancy until people have to figure, "That can't just be a food belly, right?" You do what feels best for you.

I am just really sorry for your loss. You didn't do anything, truly. It just feels, in a twisted way, easier to blame ourselves because it feels like we have control... which we don't :(

As an aside, I recommend getting a saline hysteogram. That is better at finding retained tissue than an ultrasound (I had retained tissue from a loss that surprisingly didn't cause any infection).

[Blessedbymybabies]

Thank you my dear... I wish you the best of luck too. All of you. Im not sure what a saline hysteogram is but I will look into it. Not sure what to think now either because my apointment is two days away and my bleeding has stopped and has suddenly went back to normal... I wonder if that means I can just leave it be and not do anything. Its weird. It is just ever so slightly streaked with pink but pretty much back to white. If I had retained tissue I thought it would just continue bleeding until we resolve it. This is my first d&c so I think Ill give them a ring and see.

[atomic sagebrush]

Ok. I wouldn't have you do anything any differently for now because we don't want to have you do anything that could cause trouble recovering if you do need another D and C.

While I do totally hope that the tissue is gone now unfortunately lack of bleeding doesn't mean that it will be resolved. I had retained tissue once and never bled (sorry this is a TMI moment! :nails:) or had any symptoms and then all of a sudden I was standing at the stove and felt a horrible pain and passed a lump of tissue bigger than a lemon. Just like Panther I did not have any infection or symptoms, it was just there until it was gone. :/

I just don't want you to get your hopes up and then be disappointed. it may be that you will still need a D and C so go in prepared for that and if you get good news, it will be a nice surprise. :heart:

[atomic sagebrush]

I will tell you - the pregnancy I did not tell anyone till I was nearly 5 months was BLISS compared to the others. I didn't have to put up with any questions, anyone worrying about my health or the baby's health every 5 minutes (I was SUPER old, LOL) until it was looking pretty good that everything was going according to plan and then I was even able to reveal gender at the same time, which even though we do just want healthy babies of course, on this site we also have that desire to deal with as well which makes things even harder. I was just able to rip off the bandaid all at once and say "yes we're having ANOTHER baby" without ever having to hear all the baloney about things going wrong and if it would be another boy or whatnot. :)

[Blessedbymybabies]

That will probably be what I end up doing next time, almost sure of it. Some people already felt compelled to tell me on more than one occasion this pregnancy how it was too soon after my first loss. I almost feel like everyone jinxed my pregnancy this time, if you believe that kind of thing. It bothered me enough to learn my lesson, so I probably wont say next time, for a long time as you did. I cant believe Im already saying this, but I will probably try again soon...Very soon. Just want to lose the bit of weight I put on this past 4 months, and its already coming off as I naturally am still eating light, mostly vegetable based diet as thats all I feel like eating. I hate that anyone goes through this. Wish I could just have my baby...Praying so so incredibly hard that next time will be it. And Atomic, I want to thank you from my heart for your guidance...I will try to be much more attentive next time, especially on the things that matter... I should have followed my gut on your advice, I told my husband how it astounds me that whenever I dont follow my gut things turn the wrong way. Always without fail...

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm here for you so please don't hesitate - I'll help you however I can :heart: Whenever you are ready to proceed, we are all here cheering you on. :hugs: