Trying for a third baby

[*ruby*]

My 2 boys are now 3.5 and 5.5 and we had always planned on trying for a third and final baby sometime next year. However now I am unsure about if I want to go back for all the sleepless nights etc again when our boys are now at such a great age that allows us all to do more as a family and everything doesn't seem like such hard work IYKWIM?

If i'm completely honest both my husband and myself really only want another baby at this point for the chance at a girl. I guess we also feel like maybe we've used up all our good luck as we already have 2 perfect healthy boys and maybe we should just be happy with what we're got.

Our boys are very close, get on great etc I sometimes feel like why change a good thing. But then that desire for a girl comes back and I can't stop thinking about her again and I think i'll prob regret it later if we don't try for another little one.

Anyway has anyone else felt the same way? what did you do?

[puppydogstails]

Ruby!!! This is so close to home it's spooky!! My sons are the exact same age as yours and our plan was always to have 3 children also. Our family seems to work so well at the moment. We are all very happy and get along great. I think to myself will i ruin what we have if i go for a third??? My two sons are golden and like you said..should i push my luck?

....but then, i don't think i will ever be ok with not having a daughter. I know i have to at least try. I just think, go for it myself, if i get the daughter i so badly want then, perfect. If i have a boy that is half as lovely as my sons, i will be a very lucky mommy. Somebody once said this on one of these posts and it's stuck with me...'you never regret the children you have..but may regret not trying'

Good luck to you and your family :) :)

[begonia]

If i'm completely honest both my husband and myself really only want another baby at this point for the chance at a girl.
If that's genuinely how you feel, I would ONLY have a third via high-tech or adoption where you can have a girl for sure.

Personally I was in a similar spot, we swayed for a boy (have 2DD, like yours they get along well) and got our 3rd DD. It's tough, and while I don't doubt for a minute I'll love her, I wanted a boy and I still do and I always will. We wanted three kids but never did I want three daughters. This is not how I saw my family. Now I'm faced with either having the longing there for the rest of my life, or having a 4th child. Having another is tempting because yes, if you get the desired gender, AMAZING! And it's 50/50 odds, I mean, SURELY this time (especially if you sway, I thought) you'll get what you want... it's really easy I think to talk yourself into trying. I know I could so clearly see our son (and still do, and bawl about it) that I was just SURE he was meant to be. But if you don't get your desired gender? You'll still have the longing for a daughter, and you'll have three boys instead of two. Not saying that 3 boys is a bad thing at all, personally I would have loved three boys :) I'm just saying you'll have increased your emotional/financial/time commitment (not without reward, kids are worth it IMO) but you'll still have the feelings of longing you do now.

It's such a tough thing, gender desire!! I hope that whatever decision you come to you have peace with it!

[4devochki]

Not to freak you out but we had a child of one gender, then #2 of the same gender, then we tried for #3 of the opposite gender and got...twins of the same gender. Which is how I ended up with 4. And am pushing DH to have a 5th (via adoption or donor egg) for which he is ready to consign me to the looney bin.

This could happen to you...(gosh wouldn't twin boys be cute though, I'm thinking to myself).

[Zivic-Bubac]

Our family seems to work so well at the moment. We are all very happy and get along great. I think to myself will i ruin what we have if i go for a third??? should i push my luck?

This EXACTLY!!!!!
Part of me ( pretty big part to be honest) feels completely complete, but there is this smaller part hoping for a boy....although I'm trying not to hope so hard lol! and prepare myself the best I can for another :XX:

[*ruby*]

puppydogstails - I don't think i'll ever be okay with not having a daughter either and know I will always wonder if I don't at least try. As for 3 boys, as you say if he's half as great as my other 2 we'll be very lucky. I often hear the saying 'you never regret the children you have but you may regret the ones you don't' and worry that i'll regret not trying later if we stop at 2 kids.

begonia - adoption is not really an option in Australia, PGD worries me that we could spend all that money and still not get our girl. Also i'm not sure if my husband would be on board as I haven't really discussed it with him yet. I agree about the added time, money etc commitment of 3 kids and this is why i'm feeling unsure I think.

4devochki - twins really scare me either 2 boys or 2 girls, I have def thought and worried about that scenario. LOL

Zivic-Bubac - I get that complete feeling often as well but then those feelings of wanting another pop through again.

[begonia]

Wow, you can't adopt in Australia? I had no idea! Like, no adoptions allowed there at all? We'll be doing international adoption (IF we do this) as most domestic in the US are geared toward couples who can't have children for whatever reason; clearly that isn't us, LOL ... also with domestic you can't have a gender pref usually since many times the birth mom picks a family prior to knowing gender. Anyhow, I'm praying the hole will close and I'll be OK without having a son.

I think it's just so hard either way! I know if we'd gotten our DG I wouldn't have half of the concerns I do now about having 3, because it would have felt "worth it" if that makes sense. But like I said, I know we'll love her and she'll add something to our family, it's just that the hole I thought the 3rd child would fill is still going to be there. If we had BB or BG (or GB) I definitely would have gone for a third, no reservations ... for me it's really been the 3 girl, no boy thing that is hard to come to terms with.

[*ruby*]

There are very few local adoptions in Australia, most children go into foster care and aren't made available for adoption until they are older and all avenues have been looked at with birth parents etc. Foster care is an option but I just think it would be soo difficult to become attached to a child then have him/her taken away.

International adoption is available but it is a very slow process, like at least 5 years but closer to 10 in some cases.

Anyway because there are so few adoptions in Australia I feel they should go to couples without children not someone like me who has no fertility issues IYKWIM

I think if I already had 1 of each sex I would be so much more at ease with having a third too. The opposite of you it's the no girl, three boys that would be difficult. Not that I would mind 3 boys as long as I got 1 girl, but I really feel that 4 would be too much for us.

[glory]

Hey Ruby, I just wanted to add I felt the same way, my second son has a lot of health problems and so we waited 5 years to have another baby. Basically I had another for the chance of having a girl. I don't regret having another baby at all, he is gorgeous and just a joy, it also was not a hard adjustment going back to having a baby. The gap has been great as the kids are older and are less demanding and I had lots of time to spend with the baby, than when I had other little ones around. But it didn't stop my gender desire and now I am going HT for a girl. Having 4 children was never on our agenda.

So just think hard, do you want a baby or a girl? If you want a girl, it is a risk that you will get a boy and the GD does not go away, I think it gets stronger, the more boys in the family, you just feel more outnumbered. Good luck xo

[begonia]

Ruby thanks for the adoption explanation! One (of many) things I love about this board is learning the differences in our countries; it's pretty fascinating. ITA that childless couples get 1st dibs on domestic adoption. And the foster situation is similar here ... you can adopt thru foster care, but it is a gamble as to whether you keep the kids. We have friends who just got 2 children placed with them, but the extended family is still fighting for them and it will be a full year before the kids are truly "theirs" ... it's tough. International here, depending on the country, is about a one to two year process from the start of the home study/application to the actual bringing home of the child. We're lucky to have many friends who have adopted internationally ... Russia, Columbia, and China, so have some 1st hand insights into what we would be in for if we go that route.

Anyhow ... that got way off topic :) I agree with Glory that the GD seems to feel more intense with the more of your non-desired gender you have. Much as you love the additional one ... the GD itself is just such a beast. My family feels even more imbalanced now with 3 girls than it did with 2. I told DH tonight even that if it could have just been BG twins this time! I could handle 3 girls knowing I at least would have the longing for a son satisfied; it's the 3 girls and STILL GD that really bites.

But on the positive side (there's always one!) I do agree with Glory that having another baby even after your older two are out of the baby/preschool stage brings some fun of its own. I know my 1st 2 are 3.5 years apart and when DD2 arrived one thing that helped with the GD was the fact that it felt fresh and new to have a baby again, almost like experiencing it all for the 1st time. Precious stuff. But she's still a girl, LOL, and so is this next one ... so while I'm excited to snuggle a newborn and see 1st smiles, etc ... I still have GD :(

Hugs to you! How long have you and DH been talking about it?

[*ruby*]

How long have you and DH been talking about it?

We've been talking about a third child since we can home from hospital with DS2. I didn't know the sex until he was born and even though I didn't experience any GD with him I knew that I wanted to try again for a girl. I was keen to try again pretty early on but we decided to wait and then I started studying so put it off again and again, so now if we do go for a third I'd like it to be in the next 6 to 12 months. Like you say having the bigger gap will make it feel all new again not to mention only 1 in nappies etc and if it is another boy i'm sure it will still be so lovely to have a baby in the house again.

[begonia]

We've been talking about a third child since we can home from hospital with DS2. I didn't know the sex until he was born and even though I didn't experience any GD with him I knew that I wanted to try again for a girl. I was keen to try again pretty early on but we decided to wait and then I started studying so put it off again and again, so now if we do go for a third I'd like it to be in the next 6 to 12 months. Like you say having the bigger gap will make it feel all new again not to mention only 1 in nappies etc and if it is another boy i'm sure it will still be so lovely to have a baby in the house again.

It really would be precious :) And that joy of having a baby again can help with the GD for sure. My 1st 2 DD are 3.5 years apart, so DD1 was done with naps and diapers and all that "baby" stuff. But it was so refreshing to go back! My GD with DD2 was pretty short lived as well because I knew we'd have one more baby.

Anyhow you and DH have clearly talked about it for years then ... it would be hard NOT to go through with trying I think, after all the years of discussion. That's where DH and I found ourselves earlier this year. But like you I got cold feet when it REALLY came time to try, because I realized that I very well could end up with 3DD. And I did, LOL. But lots and LOTS of women, here and IRL, DO get opposites with their 3rd after 2 of a kind. Have hope!

[*ruby*]

Just thought i'd update.

We've decided to go for it, YAY! We're going to TTC from June, so I have 6 months to get organised and work out what we'll be doing re swaying etc. We won't be doing HT so if we end up with boy no 3 that must be what is meant for our family. A recent devastating loss in our family has made us realise how much we just want a healthy baby and I know that which ever gender we end up with will be such a welcome addition.