Failed sway - would appreciate any advice on coping

[bodhi]

Let me start by saying that I realize that most people here have been in this position and I know that I'm overreacting. I found out two days ago at my 19 week ultrasound that my girl sway failed and we're expecting DS2. Two of a kind isn't so terrible (I'm trying to believe these words as I type them), but it may very well be my last and I hate the idea of letting go of my dream of a girl. I can't even think about it without crying. I hate that I'm already obsessing about a possible third child when I'm only halfway through this pregnancy, and at the same time feeling really low because I don't feel that I have any chance at a girl (I've now conceived 3 boys in a row, although I miscarried the first).

I just need to get this out somewhere. My whole life, I've never been close to my mother. Don't get me wrong, she has supported me in lots of ways, but I tend to do a lot of things that are typically mother-daughter bonding experiences alone. Instead of helping me pick out an outfit for junior high dances, she laughed at me for caring so much. When I invited her to come wedding dress shopping, she told me she wasn't interested. When I had my newborn son, she didn't want to be around unless he was sleeping and offered no assistance at all. As I did these things alone, I always hoped that maybe I'd get to experience them again as they were meant to be experienced with my own daughter. I'm so sad that I may never get to have that. I will have at least two lovely boys, and while I'm sure I'll get to play a role in their lives, it's not the same. No matter how well you get along with your MIL, you want your own mom for those special moments.

I feel that with my sons, I'm going to have less to contribute. Not nothing, just less. I won't be the person they come to for dating advice or learning to shave or for hockey practice (or whatever it is guys do).

I don't know how to get over this. I want to feel attached to this baby, but the honest truth is that I regret getting pregnant. If there was a way out, I would take it. I don't feel connected to this baby at all. I was keeping a pregnancy journal, but I tossed it out because I don't know of any guys who are interested in reading week-by-week accounts of their mother's pregnancy (I would have loved to talk to mom about her pregnancy and I hoped that someday I could share the experience with a daughter).

Thank you if you've managed to read this far. For those of your who have been in this position, what helped? I would really appreciate ideas. Maybe things will change when I meet my son (although it took me several months to bond with my first son), but I really do want to move past this so I can enjoy what may be my last pregnancy. I'm trying to pick out a pattern and yarn so I can make a baby blanket. We're going for a 3D ultrasound next week and I'm hoping that it might help to spend some time looking at him (I got to see him for about 10 seconds at my first ultrasound). Any other ideas?

[KnockYourBallsOff]

So many of us can understand sweetie! Your emotions are norma and just fine. When you hold him in your arms it will become easier as time passes....did for me w/ Ds2 and 3.

I think what helps me the most if the relationship between my boys and what a blessing that would be in their lives. They can go off to college together, play golf and sports together. Be rough w/ each other without hurting someone else.

I would go buy some big brother books for DS1 and hopefully that will help you find some positivity. And TRUST me that when he's here--in a couple years when your two boys are best buds, you'll not regret a thing :)

Take your time to mourn--it's OK! Feelings are feelings...not right or wrong :) Thinking of you today!

[Cinss]

Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy. I'm sure your DS1 will have a very special bond with your DS2 for his entire life, what a great gift you have given him.

[TTC5]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Glittergirl]

I know its too soon now, but like many of us....we end up being closest to the the baby we had the most GD with, and can't imagine life without them! My DS3 is SOOO close to me... in fact he's sitting next to me while I'm online. I think sometimes we imagine a certain bond with the gender we don't have but maybe it's all in our mind. My SIL has a teenage daughter and just had a baby girl. She So badly wanted a son because as close as she is to her daughter, she says my boys are so attached to me and are such mamas boys that she badly wants a son of her own. She's always telling me how lucky it is that I don't have a teenage daughter yet, etc etc. And I see the eye-rolling her daughter does and the talk back and just the typical mother daughter relationship that is so normal but that so many of us who don't have girls take for granted and forget. I have apologized to my mom for my teenage behaviors now that I look back at the attitude I had :) It's early now but the bond your boys will have will be so amazing. It's nice to have two of the same gender and this little guy was just meant to be. Start young with them and you will see what an amazing mother/son bond you can create with them. They will come to you for lots of advice and you will see how much unconditional love they will have for you....who knows, you may go on to get your DD next!!! Wishing you lots of LUCK!!!!!

[CapricornAquarius]

Your feelings are so normal & its ok.

Trust me having another boy is the best gift you can give your son, there's something special about two if a kind.

[fresas]

I'm so sorry you didn't hear "girl". I understand what you are going through.

side rant: I didn't realize how badly I wanted a daughter until after I had DS 2. I have a terrible relationship with both of my parents, but especially my mother. My parents are both extremely sexist and do not hide their favor of males. I guess I have always longed for a daughter so I can treat her the way a daughter should be treated: equally valued and loved as boys, but maybe she will want to wear dresses. ;) In all seriousness though, I said I wanted 5 boys when I was younger because I hated girls because I was not valued because I was female, but now I realize 2 things: that having kids is difficult and girls are just as amazing as boys. It would be a true honor to have a girl.

When I found out I was pregnant with another boy (both pregnancies were a surprise), I was sad at first, but it turned out to be a very quick sadness because of the high risk nature of the pregnancy. I valued my unborn son as much as the first, but I think being aware that he might have had issues helped me move past that initial sadness rather quickly. My husband actually had more GD than I did, but we soon focused together as a couple on the baby's health. I think having my husband's support helped a lot.

Be patient with yourself. I think your feelings are more normal than most women (and even men) would like to admit. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy and that you find peace with your second son.

[rainbowflower]

I just want to send you some *hugs*
how sad that your mother is like that to you. My MIL is just the same as that so my heart goes out to you

don't mean this in a horrible way, but have you thought about some counselling? it sounds to me like you could have depression of some sort especially as you say you don't feel you have bonded with this baby, and perhaps it would help you to talk about the feelings you have towards your mother?

be gentle with yourself, and please do confide in your doctor or MW about how low you are

[maybeoneday]

I am so sorry you are feeling down and this is the best place for letting out feelings you keep hidden from your real life. Everyone here has been in your shoes and most have come out the other side. It will get better.

I didn't find out the sex of DS2 (they don't tell you in your anomoly scan in our health authority - the only way is a private scan and DH didn't want to know...). Everything about my pregnancy was different and I was convinced he was a girl - some of my friends even gave me their baby girl things to use when 'she' was born.

I was so shocked and so upset when he was born but I was still totally smitten when I held him in my arms because he looked so much like DS1 that I had 2 peas in a pod. They are now so close and they adore each other and I am now so pleased for them that I had 2 boys.

I had a brother and it is safe to say we hated each other growing up! We get on ok now but I am not sure I would say we are close. I really hope my boys remain the best of friends into adulthood.

It doesn't make my desire for a daughter go away but at the moment I have 2 boys who I adore and mummy is always the first one they run to when they fall over.

Good luck and don't be afraid to cry, the time between crying gets gradually longer every week. xx

[bodhi]

Thank you for your kind replies. I'm trying to think of something to say that doesn't make me sound like a selfish jerk, but I can't seem to think of anything gracious to say at the moment. Hopefully this will get a bit easier with time.

[begonia]

Oh Bodhi I'm so sorry to hear your sway didn't work :( I know how hard it is; I'm pg with DD3 and desperately wanted a son. I was crushed; I always wanted boys, and now I'll have 3 girls. So I feel your pain, and many of us have been there. After I found out this was not a DS for us, I couldn't stand to feel her kick in my belly. I hated that people were constantly asking what I was having and I had to say girl ... again. I deeply regretted the pregnancy. I cried every.single.day, often multiple times a day, for over 2 months.

The only thing that has helped me is time and I honestly think for most anyone with GD that is the best healer. I can say I'm finally at a point where feeling her move doesn't make me upset, and I haven't cried in over a week. But it took me a long time to get here; it's been 12 weeks since I found out and I'm just now barely seeing where I am going to be OK. So be gentle with yourself, let yourself cry, let yourself be angry or whatever it takes. And feel free to vent here; I've been brutally honest with how I felt and never once felt anything other than supported/encouraged by ladies here.

I will say, too, it's interesting because I also have an exceptionally difficult relationship with my mother. Unlike you, I never looked at having a daughter as a chance to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship. I looked at it as a relationship I never wanted to be in again. I think your perspective is much better and I'm going to try to look at my relationship with my girls as an opportunity to have a healthy mother/daughter bond.

Anyhow, you asked about other ideas for bonding. I think additional u/s can be helpful when you're ready. I do think that focusing on this child as a person rather than a boy also helps ... I really didn't want daughters, but I couldn't be happier with the character and personality that I see in my children, KWIM? Think about the things you see in DS1 that you just love, that really have nothing to do with him being a boy. I bet he makes you laugh, I bet he gives you sweet smiles, I bet he lights up when he sees you. All of that has nothing to do with gender, and you'll love so much about this next one too, even if it does take you awhile to bond to him. My 2 DD are so distinct and there are different pieces of me and DH that I see in each of them, and when I think about that instead of just "girl" I do look forward to seeing what this new person will bring to our family.

Plus ITA with others that same gender siblings are awesome for the kids (especially in the long run!) so maybe if DS1 is excited about a little brother that will help you get excited? Have you told him?

[LolaInLove]

Bodhi, 2 of a kind is awesome....they play together so well. My girls are off together and are each other's best friend for life. I know everyone here has given you such great advice already, but I just wanted to say that you WILL be a super important part of your son's lives. How important you are is up to you......sounds like your mom made the decision to not be important, but you are not going to do the same thing, I bet. My DH is super close to his mom, and was more so than his dad, and I know many other guys who are really close to their moms. Don't look at it like they are boys and won't have anything in common with you.....that is so not true (from what I hear from my boy mama friends!). I hope things get easier with time, and I know it's hard. Try to focus on the positive stuff right now, like how you are giving your DS1 the best thing ever and how much fun they will have together....AND what a great mom you are and will continue to be.

[n710]

Hugs, I def. feel your pain.
Begonia-exactly it for me too-time. I found out the end of Sept. I am having another girl and it ws hard! Only last month did I start to feel better.
The only thing that made me feel better right away that first week was the thought of trying again. Not that I recommend that or don't.
Anyway, after a few weeks went by the other thing that made me feel better was buying new clothes. Even though this is my 3rd girl and I have clothes already, getting some new things made me focus on the actual baby I am carrying now.

I think for me too, once she is here and I immediately fall in love with her that will make it all disappear.
It is hard though, because my son was upset when we told him it was a girl.
He said, "No, you need to talk to the dr., we already have 2 baby sisters." That was the hardest to hear.

definitely give yourself all the time and patience you need and know that you are not sad about the child you are carrying now, you are mourning the loss of an experience you were trying for.

[bodhi]

Thank you for your replies. Sorry to drag this thread on and on, I just don't have anywhere else to say these things.

Somehow I thought it would be getting easier by now, but I still feel really low. We had a 3D ultrasound last week, which I thought might help a bit, but instead I just feel even worse. I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby, and had a really hard time acting enthused. I think a small part of me was clinging to hope that maybe the first ultrasound was wrong, and now that hope is gone and I really have to accept another boy.

I took my son swimming today and was surrounded by little girls. I felt like the girl moms were somehow mocking me, like they could tell I was destined to be a boy mom no matter what. I realize this is all in my head, but I can't help feeling it.

The guilt is the absolute worst part. I want my baby to be loved and wanted, but I can't find it in myself to want another boy. I want to believe that these feelings will pass when I meet him, but they didn't when I had my son so I'm not very hopeful. I keep wondering how I'm going to fake being happy :broken:

[fresas]

Sending you lots of hugs. I know that doesn't fix anything, but I'm thinking of you. I know what you mean feeling like you are being judged by girl moms.

[ThroughWithBlue]

I haven't read any of the responses. But bodhi, girl, you are me last year. I swear. To the T. This may offend some, but I seriously would have taken a way out of the pregnancy if it wasn't for my DH. I feel so guilty and terrible writing that as I watch that GD DS right now climbing on the ottoman lol. He is seriously the sweetest baby, I love him to pieces. I have had a horrible relationship with my mother my entire life. And it has changed to zero relationship, we don't speak anymore at all. Nor do I do to my dad because she makes him hate me also. So I understand, maybe that's why I wanted a DD so badly after all. I cried every day after hearing it's a boy. I hated that pregnancy, I seriously just wanted to die. I felt so bad for feeling that way and having so much hate and anger while being pregnant but I really did just want to die. Then, he came early and was very sick. Can you imagine how horrible I felt when that happened? Obviously, I have no advice. I just want you to know you aren't alone. I know the appeal of having a DD. It's like the trophy gender in the USA it seems like to me, everyone assumes everyone wants a DD. If you have one it's like people think you are better because you have one. Not true, but to me, that's how it seems. What traits do you want in a DD? Do you want her to be cuddly, loving, gentle? You can find those traits in a DS. I promise you, every trait I wanted in a DD is in my GD DS. He is the cuddliest baby, he is my shadow, he's always following me around. My 1DS loves to do anything I'm doing. Cooking, cleaning, putting on my high heels (eek, he's only 2 so I let him play lol). I know it doesn't help hearing this. I wrote a post just like about 4 months ago and nothing helped me. I know how you feel by saying you won't be able to help your DS like you could a DD. But, there's no promising your DD will want to go to her HS dances, or get married, or have kids, or want boy advice, or like having her nails painted, or her hair long and pretty. You can try to force her, but that will just make her resent you. I hope you can cope with how you are feeling, I know how dark a place it can be. *hugs*

[TexasMommy]

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I really didnt care about the gender so much..& I ended up with a little girl. My second pregnancy, I was REALLY wanting a boy, as it turned out I had DD2. Then when I got pregnant with #3, I wanted a boy so badly its all I could think about. Before I found out the gender I already had a boy name picked out, bedding picked, EVERYTHING boy picked in my head. Then the day of the ultrasound came..& i heard "Its a GIRL" for the 3rd time in a row. I was devastated. To be honest, I didnt want another girl. As soon as DH & I got to the car, i broke down crying. I felt like Id let him down for not giving him a son (even tho yes I know the man is the one that "chooses" the sex of the baby i still felt like i let him down for not carrying a son for him) he assured me he was fine. The next day, I cried all day long, didnt want to talk to anyone..just wanted to be alone. Then later that day, I looked at DD2 & remembered how badly I wanted a boy with her..but now I couldnt imagine my life without her being in it. So i knew DD3 would the same way. I felt a little better..I found out in July she was a girl, & it took me until probably October to really embrace the idea of having 3 daughters. I was 30 weeks before she had a name, i couldnt find anything I was inlove with (mainly bc i had hoped to be naming a boy) then on December 2 I had the most beautiful baby girl, we named her Khloe. When DD1 & DD2 were born everyone said they looked just like their daddy, which they did & still do. But with DD3 everyone kept saying how much she looked like me, even the doctors & nurses in the nursery! Khloe will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. She looks more & more like me everyday. I look around at families that have 3, & it seems that most got mixed genders..sometimes I think, why couldnt I have gotten a boy out of just ONE of my three??! But then I think...then I wouldnt have Kaylee (DD1), Kennedy (DD2), or Khloe (DD3) & i truly couldnt imagine not having them in my life..believe me..i STILL want a little boy, more than anyone could know. Ive talked hubby into ONE MORE..but he says that is it, he doesnt want a 5th. So hopefully in the next year & a half to 2 yrs we can try for baby #4, and i hope like heck its a boy!! but if its Gods will for me to be an all girl mom, then I know ill love DD4 just as much as I love my 3 now. Altho i think a part of me will always wonder what life wouldve been like with a son.

Keep your head up, it takes time to heal, but i promise it gets better! Good luck to you :)