Saddness

[Blessedbymybabies]

Does stress, panic, sadness sway more toward blue or pink? I often wonder if this plays a role. Lately I have been increasingly moody, mood swings, anxious and sad. I know it is rooted to my past pregnancy losses. Many nights I cry uncontrollably that I miss my babies. I was doing fine but this past month it has been uncontrollable, maybe that is because I know I am close to trying again in two weeks. Or it just took a very long time to hit me. I thought I was okay after the first two months of sadness and I feel like I’m dying inside again. I feel everyone around me is pregnant, including direct family, sisters and two friends who were pregnant right after me and they are almost at their due date. My due date passed a week ago, it was so hard for me. I can’t wait to try again, I’m wondering if this kind of sadness does anything on the gender role. When I was pregnant with my son I was highly anxious and uptight but that was because I was extremely and utterly desperate for a girl and in my heart I knew it was a boy. I regret every second off stress after I lost him. At this point I am just at the point where I’ll do what I can for a sway but I so badly just want a baby...sometimes I feel horrible that I am even thinking of swaying after everything and then I will go back and think does this anxiety sway? I wonder if any ladies here ever feel the same...I feel all over the place

[goldielock615]

Hi Blessed. I do not know anything about moods swaying but just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel and am so sorry for your losses. I was a wreck after having two losses in a row and it definitely impacted how much I swayed. My general rule of thumb was that if it was something I would be embarrassed to tell my RE I was doing, I was going to skip it. Diet thought I thought was reasonable and wouldn't have an impact on the health of my pregnancy. Although I do think I was less strict than I would have been otherwise, I was pretty miserable and in a bit of a fog. I did not douche or anything I would have been embarrassed to discuss with a doctor. (I never told my RE I was trying for a girl with my diet, I just didn't lie about the contents of my diet when asked).

My SIL and I shared a due date and after I lost my pregnancy I could barely look at her while pregnant and really struggled after she had her son and the due date passed and I still had not conceived again. I was also super anxious about having to have sex to ttc and it became miserable to associate sex with the possibility of pregnancy and possible sadness.

No advice in here, I think a lot of how you're feeling is part of the grieving process. I will say that getting pregnant did improve how I felt about the other children due near me and I spent a lot less time thinking about my losses. I also think it cushioned some of the GD I felt about having another boy as I had wanted that baby so badly. Now that I have my son sex is no longer stressful and does not remind me of the difficulties we had in the past.

I hope the grief you're feeling gets better soon. And my RE had many therapist suggestions for how I was feeling, your OB or RE might as well.

[atomic sagebrush]

We have reason to believe that sadness and loss may sway pink. It's not a for sure thing, there are plenty of exceptions but that's what studies have seemed to indicate.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this - we are here to listen if you need us. :heart:

[Throwaway_panther]

I know how you're feeling, 100%. I had a lot of times too where I stressed that my grief would be swaying pink for me when all I wanted was a boy. Other times where I felt very strong and determined and felt that would help me get boy. At this point, who even knows.

I will say: take a break from those around you or even here if it helps. I know every pregnancy announcement while I was sopping up the blood from a loss felt like another break in my spirit. I saw several people, on here and in my life, get pregnant and have babies where all I had was losses the whole time. One friend even went early and had her baby ON one of my EDDs. It sucks.

Finally getting a presumably sticky baby has helped a lot. I'm seeing people again, sort of returning to civilization. I still feel some resentment to the blissfully ignorant pregnancy announcements I see and such, but I'm much more able to weather most everything now. Which, once you learn to weave the grief into your shield, will give you the most immense armor.

And swaying wise, I'm still on this site more than any others because having a boy was and is still my utmost dream. Even after everything I've been through. I still wanted and want a boy. And I don't see you at all as terrible for that same feeling. Instead of a, "I should be grateful for anything, right?" I still feel a, "AFTER everything, can't I please just have this?"