Swaying with an unhelpful husband

[Throwaway_panther]

So obviously I think my issues with my husband are out there at this point, but as the only thing keeping me going is being prepared to sway again -- with a man with bad sperm and a family history of male infertility despite his BBBG family makeup, with one of those Bs having BGB -- after this pregnancy since I'll be bowled over backwards, seeing pigs fly, if it ends up not being a girl.

However: DH has gone even further away from anything I'd hope for for a boy. Smoking is really out of the picture and has been for awhile, but he's occasionally run or biked during this pregnancy and keeps talking about wanting to do it. His alcohol intake is back up, though I'm working on getting him to reduce that for other reasons (he averages a drink a day, maybe every other day; always craft beer or wine, occasional whiskey). He is now also wanting to drop red meat from his diet completely and eat mostly beans :eyeroll: He's resistant to even taking a multivitamin because "they're BS" as he says. He still takes the L-Arginine though as that's helped his BP stay stable. And he drinks the oatstraw infusions I still make him because dropping a hop pellet in it makes it taste like nonalcoholic beer apparently lol.

I'm realizing after 2+ years spent trying to exert any sort of control or influence beyond smoking (which hey, ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU, lol, so I don't feel bad about getting him to drop the occasional cigar he used to touch), that there is no way I can do that again. Or that he would put up with it. I had a huge supplement list for our sway for this baby up, but have since found out he barely took any of those so...

I guess I'm looking for input and (hopefully even better) success stories, of still getting a boy even when DH is a.) not doing the most blue compliant things and b.) when it really is just me swaying all on my own. We know frequent sex will never be an issue at least for him, but his new "diet" plans have me quaking in my boots a bit (example: "I read fermented soy is the best stuff you can eat!" Cue me pulling my hair out).

I've seen all the girl sways where even running, smoking husbands got boys still. I have all the real world examples of chubby or obese men popping out boys and even my own FIL somehow producing 3 boys in 3 years after 6 years infertility. But looks like I'm walking into fierce winds than other people, so "other people's" stories only help so much, too.

Just looking for any conversation on this, I guess.

[atomic sagebrush]

Let him try the beans - I promise that will last about 3 days. :)

Fermented soy is actually not so bad - the microbes break down some of the hard to digest elements of other soy. So even that isn't terrible. Tell him if he eats it more than 2-3 times a week he can grow moobs from it (which is true LOL) REmember, even in countries where they eat the most soy, the gender ratio is still 50-50.

90% of my blue swayers are in it totally alone. Their husbands won't do anything. (you may recall that is why I am not so in their face about what the husbands need to do, because it is the rare blue hubby that will help with a sway and blue swayers need to focus on what they can change, rather than feeling defeated about what they can't.)

My husband is a pretty heavy drinker (le sigh) and has been for quite some time. Before our third son, he went off alcohol for only about a month before. With our 4th, he kept drinking the entire time - about the same as your hubby is drinking now.. He has never eaten well at all, never took any supplements, was putting on weight with the 3rd and 4th, etc. This is true of lots and lots of blue mamas too, just as you say.

What you have to keep in mind is the underlying logic of swaying. Men can "hit and run" and women not only grow the baby in their body, feed the baby from their body, but also nearly always raise the child in their environment at least for the first few years or so. So the signals you are getting from your environment - foods, lifestyle, etc is going to be MUCH more important than anything your husband brings to the table. It very well may be that the signal you guys send from the frequent BD (that a father is present) is far more important than the stuff he eats and drinks and smokes anyway.

[goldielock615]

I don't know how your husband is with these types of things... but myself and my husband sometimes go through food phases. We went through a phase of drinking red wine every night, we went through phases of eating tons of pasta, he went through a "raw diet" phase once. It might actually be better if he gets his soy and no red meat phase out of his system right now when you're not close to trying. Most people I know who drop red meat from their diet come back to it eventually. I would wait a month and see if it's more of a long term change before thinking about ways to help mitigate. Especially with the holidays, it seems like he'll have a lot of temptation to come back to the dark meat side. Good luck!

[The Anchor]

My husband didn't sway, in fact, he didn't even know that I swayed! LOL

He was a smoker back then, a bit overweight, and a pretty heavy drinker. Don't give up hope!

[Nell_]

I bet if you cook him lovely meaty meals like steak etc he wouldn't be able to resist 😉 I'm sure its mainly down to what you eat etc anyway! Try not to worry you have the same chance as everyone else to get your baby boy xx

[Maureenhdez]

My husband has always been overweight, and we have 2 boys. He won’t do much to sway either. I am swaying girl, but he doesn’t believe in any of it. He was only willing to do FR for obvious reasons[emoji23] and gave up red meat from af-o.


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[aira22]

TP, you are definitely not alone!!! I have an unhelpful DH as well! Smoking and drinking on and off, being overweight and sometimes he gets a sports flash for a few weeks where he goes running every day and gym in the evenings. He never eats breakfast and sometimes not even lunch when his days are stressful. And even when he agreed on taking supplements, I found most of them untouched in his backpack a few days later :rolleyes: So.. yeah, I did my sway alone. Hard enough that his argument "what HE does is not as important anyway" seems to be true :beer: - adding to not believing in swaying...
I don't know so much about his sperm as you do. But I have to believe he has more "girl-sperm" after 3 daughters. He has no brothers, only one sister - who has 2 sons...
I come from a family with almost only girls. And we couldn't even succeed with going Higtech... So I guess that's on me big time as well :worry:
I don't know if we could ever have a son, the odds are very low.
I try not to give up hope for this baby now because I don't want to stress myself over something I don't know. In 6 days I'll be finding out...

[atomic sagebrush]

Aira - that's not meant to give men a pass on what they do. The men smoking is a pretty big deal. But I just feel that for most blue swayers, if I dwell too much on the things that cannot be changed (like what our hubbies do) that it contributes to the overall feeling of defeat and then in turn passivitiy that probably affects a blue sway even possibly MORE than those annoying things our husbands will not give up.

Gender does NOT run in the family. I promise. My grandma came from a family of 6 girls, 2 boys, and ALL the girls went on to have both boys and girls.

[aira22]

Aira - that's not meant to give men a pass on what they do. The men smoking is a pretty big deal. But I just feel that for most blue swayers, if I dwell too much on the things that cannot be changed (like what our hubbies do) that it contributes to the overall feeling of defeat and then in turn passivitiy that probably affects a blue sway even possibly MORE than those annoying things our husbands will not give up.

of course. I understood that. I just wanted to relate to TP and tell her, that she is not alone with her unhelpful husband. I did my best not to let it bring me down.


Gender does NOT run in the family. I promise. My grandma came from a family of 6 girls, 2 boys, and ALL the girls went on to have both boys and girls.

I know, I know.. I've read all your brilliant essays (more than once :) but it's just so easy to have this excuse and people make it hard to drop the nonsense when I hear it so often. "oh you have 3 girls...poor daddy.... do you have sisters? yes, 6 - oh, no wonder.. I guess this 4rth baby (bump is quite obvious) will be a girl as well. hahahaha"
I shouldn't repeat that stuff myself when I know better!

Of course you have to comment on that post so other readers won't get wrong info here! So thanks for getting it straight.

[atomic sagebrush]

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to chastize you, I just wanted to reassure you that I think you have a great chance of a boy!

I always have to chime in and say my "atomic stuff" but I always want you guys to feel free to discuss what is on your mind!

[trifecta]

Hope things are going well for you, throwaway panther! I'll be thinking of you and rooting for you, whatever the outcome!

[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you. Husband has proceeded to go full on vegan. Also incredibly triggering from my eating disorder history, as he has become quite vocal with, "This food is bad" even after we've discussed how that language is... really triggering. Like he gaf...

So unfortunately, this will likely not be as passing a fad. And I can only imagine how his sperm will be with this, giving me little to no hope for a possible next try since I'm pretty convinced this sway failed. Fool of me to think I could get a boy with my husband, who has hurt me so bad over the years that I'm not sure why I stay anymore -- just a sign of how bad our relationship is that him going vegan makes me want to leave, haha. I think I would have been fine otherwise -- I had even said, "If this baby is a boy, you could literally eat only rice for the rest of my life and I wouldn't care." Oh well. And he won't even eat starches either -- literally is going "fruititarian."

Thanks all. Wish I had pulled the plug on this whole thing once I realized he was lying to me about what his urologist said about his sperm so many moons ago. Just wanted to give my DD a sibling, no matter what... now I'm suffering imaging two girls. Sigh.

[4blue2pink]

im so sorry he is like this TP :( i recently saw that the tattoo artist Kat Von D is having her 1st child, both her and her husband are full-on long-time militant vegans and baby is a boy, would vegan diet if done properly (as in healthy and balanced) harm your dh's sperm? i know there are issues but would veganism exacerbate them? im not asking to make you feel worse in any way its just it does seem a lot of vegans have boys, i always assumed it was maybe linked to all the supplements they take? ive noticed quite a few vegan pink swayers on here too.
i so so so want this to be your little boy :heart: and fingers crossed dh gets this vegan thing out of his system quickly, lots of love to you xx

[Sora]

Thank you. Husband has proceeded to go full on vegan. Also incredibly triggering from my eating disorder history, as he has become quite vocal with, "This food is bad" even after we've discussed how that language is... really triggering. Like he gaf...

So unfortunately, this will likely not be as passing a fad. And I can only imagine how his sperm will be with this, giving me little to no hope for a possible next try since I'm pretty convinced this sway failed. Fool of me to think I could get a boy with my husband, who has hurt me so bad over the years that I'm not sure why I stay anymore -- just a sign of how bad our relationship is that him going vegan makes me want to leave, haha. I think I would have been fine otherwise -- I had even said, "If this baby is a boy, you could literally eat only rice for the rest of my life and I wouldn't care." Oh well. And he won't even eat starches either -- literally is going "fruititarian."

Thanks all. Wish I had pulled the plug on this whole thing once I realized he was lying to me about what his urologist said about his sperm so many moons ago. Just wanted to give my DD a sibling, no matter what... now I'm suffering imaging two girls. Sigh.

How did I miss this thread ????

Panther I'm sorry, I understand... Not that DH is smoking, drinking, biking or anything (and thank god, is not annoying me with this stuff since our relationship has not been that great lately)... But he can be pretty careless with his health when he wants to, has spend 6 years getting more and more obese and not seeing a doc for his breathing problems although it keeps him (and myself) from getting enough sleep. He's only working on it now, after much crying and pleading. I'll say, men can be SO selfish. Should be used to it but am still not.

Re:swaying, he is... cooperating at least. Especially for frequent BD of course (even though he grumbles I desire a son more than I desire DTD with him haha). But he doesn't believe in swaying, like, at all. But he has been coming around lately, with the pretty good results of the summer 2018 sway group. He even seems to regret our failure getting that BFP then.

I guess it's true that gender does not run in family. If it was so, we would be swaying girl as of now. DH has an all-boy family from all sides and mine is pretty balanced but with a bit more boys than girls. My paternal grandmother had to sway girl with whatever beliefs they had concerning swaying back in the 70s. Miraculously worked. That aunt got PP. Her son has only girls. Go figures.

I could say your DD will be happy with a sister but I really feel for you and understand the emptiness that would leave behind. No amount of love between my daughters can heal that wound although I'm glad they have each-other. And yeah, THAT, it feels like going against the whole world or something.

I agree with the other girls though, your husband could just be going through some kind of food phase. We should just bet on how long it will last, winner gets a pony :cool:

[Throwaway_panther]

im so sorry he is like this TP :( i recently saw that the tattoo artist Kat Von D is having her 1st child, both her and her husband are full-on long-time militant vegans and baby is a boy, would vegan diet if done properly (as in healthy and balanced) harm your dh's sperm? i know there are issues but would veganism exacerbate them? im not asking to make you feel worse in any way its just it does seem a lot of vegans have boys, i always assumed it was maybe linked to all the supplements they take? ive noticed quite a few vegan pink swayers on here too.
i so so so want this to be your little boy :heart: and fingers crossed dh gets this vegan thing out of his system quickly, lots of love to you xx

Thank you, and I really appreciate everything you ever say to me <3 And you're right, I have had moments of even thinking, "Well shoot, maybe this will actually HELP his sperm? Go figure?"

The issue lies with the fact that it's not just vegan for him (there's no ethical thing going on here). He is essentially having a midlife crisis and has become obsessed with longevity and stopping ageing, and apparently low protein/low animal ingestion "disrupts your DNA" or some nonsense. Which, hey, his sperm had DNA issues, so maybe...

BUT, he is also very adamant about not counting calories and he's essentially starving himself. Which is VERY triggering to me, as well, let alone me worrying about his health. He read that testosterone is a big part of mortality and I seriously think he's trying to REDUCE his T... GAH.

Meanwhile, "moderate amounts of caffeine and alcohol are fine according to this ONE book I read on this stuff," so guess who's resumed his frequent drinks again? Sigh.

On good days, I think, "Well shit, if everything I did didn't matter this time, why the hell should it matter next." On bad days I think, 'Holy hell, I literally am living with a man now commenting how everything I've grown accustomed to eating healthily is 'bad.'" Wanting a boy has done wonders for my eating disorder, but that thing still has slipped back in even over the last few years -- I am already guarding myself against how I'll feel once baby is here.

Sorry for the ramble, and thank you all for your in put -- and I am so sorry for all of you who have dealt with the extra stress of a husband not contributing to the sway! It's just so hard for me now not to think, "THERE GO MORE Ys" everytime he turns down a piece of chicken for cauliflower steak, but enjoys his whiskey and talks about running while being sure to tell his recovered anorexic wife, "You can eat whatever you want... but animal protein IS really bad for longevity and ageing."

Ugh.

[Sora]

Thank you, and I really appreciate everything you ever say to me <3 And you're right, I have had moments of even thinking, "Well shoot, maybe this will actually HELP his sperm? Go figure?"

The issue lies with the fact that it's not just vegan for him (there's no ethical thing going on here). He is essentially having a midlife crisis and has become obsessed with longevity and stopping ageing, and apparently low protein/low animal ingestion "disrupts your DNA" or some nonsense. Which, hey, his sperm had DNA issues, so maybe...

BUT, he is also very adamant about not counting calories and he's essentially starving himself. Which is VERY triggering to me, as well, let alone me worrying about his health. He read that testosterone is a big part of mortality and I seriously think he's trying to REDUCE his T... GAH.

Meanwhile, "moderate amounts of caffeine and alcohol are fine according to this ONE book I read on this stuff," so guess who's resumed his frequent drinks again? Sigh.

On good days, I think, "Well shit, if everything I did didn't matter this time, why the hell should it matter next." On bad days I think, 'Holy hell, I literally am living with a man now commenting how everything I've grown accustomed to eating healthily is 'bad.'" Wanting a boy has done wonders for my eating disorder, but that thing still has slipped back in even over the last few years -- I am already guarding myself against how I'll feel once baby is here.

Sorry for the ramble, and thank you all for your in put -- and I am so sorry for all of you who have dealt with the extra stress of a husband not contributing to the sway! It's just so hard for me now not to think, "THERE GO MORE Ys" everytime he turns down a piece of chicken for cauliflower steak, but enjoys his whiskey and talks about running while being sure to tell his recovered anorexic wife, "You can eat whatever you want... but animal protein IS really bad for longevity and ageing."

Ugh.

Animal protein bad for longevity ? Ah that's rich ! After a decade of docs bothering us about fish and what the fad being good for exactly the same reason ? I would love to knowthen how countries which relies heavily on fishing end up having so much people aged 100 or more. And let's not talk about the inhabitants who are around his age and barely look 25.

For all we know, our longevity is written in the lenght of our telomeres. And of course, telomeres have no say in accidents or deadly infections. No amount of plants, alcoohol or coffee will change that.

If he fears aging, that's perfectly normal. But apart from doing some sports, there's nothing he can do. Disrupting DNA ? Yeah, right...

Jokes aside, just concentrate on your eating habits, for your son and for yourself. If he starves himself, he won't keep up. When he feels even more weary than before, he will come around and find something else to keep himself young. Or accept that he can't. Just take care of yourself and only yourself for now and wait him out.

[atomic sagebrush]

EXACTLY Panther. "For all we know maybe this will help his sperm". Seriously, we know .001% if that even of how any of this works and maybe this is just what the doctor ordered.

I want to address more of this but I"m out of steam right now, if this isn't bumped, can u bump it for me?

[4blue2pink]

i have a good vibe off this vegan thing for some reason TP (for dh's sperm i mean absolutely not for the way he is making you feel!!)
dont let this spiral you down the rabbit hole, if longevity is his obsession then this can work in your favour so rather than fight him we could try and steer this to your advantage as a blue swayer :heart:

to give himself the best shot at his "live forever and not age a day" goal then clean eating (vegan if he wishes) and weight lifting (natural no steroids etc) are the way to go, starvation wont achieve his goal but could he be steered towards correctly following intermittent fasting? if he wont hear it at the moment then in all honesty let him "starve himself out" he will feel like sh*t and soon see that starvation isnt the way!!

i agree meat is healthy as part of a balanced diet but eating it has been linked to inflammation so who knows maybe this is THE change that changes everything for you guys :)

since he is hung up on not ageing tell him to look into why natural weightlifting is so highly praised as a way to stay looking younger while long distance running in particular is pretty much the last thing recommended for those who want to "exercise themselves youthful" ;)

if he can get all this in balance you could have a clean eating, weight lifting husband!! :D that is far healthier than what many blue swayers are working with/battling against, there are positives to be found here :heart: dont let his arsehole-ishness undo all the amazing work you have done in turning your lifestyle around since you joined this site!! :hug2:

[dreamofdaughter]

TP my ex was a pack a day smoker...we have a boy. Never exercised. Comes from a family of 4 girls, one boy. All his cousins are girls. He is literally the only boy. He also drank pretty regularly.

4blue2pink, does intermittent fasting sway boy for a man? Is that why you are suggesting it for TP? Just curious! :)

[4blue2pink]

TP my ex was a pack a day smoker...we have a boy. Never exercised. Comes from a family of 4 girls, one boy. All his cousins are girls. He is literally the only boy. He also drank pretty regularly.

4blue2pink, does intermittent fasting sway boy for a man? Is that why you are suggesting it for TP? Just curious! :)

i have no idea how it sways for men im afraid!! :) but it has many proven health benefits and if done right you arent starving yourself, if TP's husband could be persuaded by the benefits of it then he could follow his vegan/clean eating while still taking in enough calories etc to be healthy, it stood out to me as a possible way to keep him "onside" health wise while still staying in line with his plans..damage limitation in a way!
starvation is a no-go, but it seems he wont listen if he thinks TP is opposing him.. so rather than fight him could he potentially be nudged away from starvation in a healthier direction which still fits with his overall ideal.