Do you ever wonder?

[Blue-blue-pink]

Hi everyone!

So I sometimes think about what would have happened if my first child would have been my desired gender. I first got two sons and then a daughter. I wonder what it would have been like if I got a girl first. Would I also wanted a second girl? Or a son to have both genders? Would I still experience gd when I would be pg with a boy then? Or maybe even have gd with a second girl?
Would I even want a second child? Or would I be perfectly happy and content with just one daughter?
Well they are just thoughts as it didn’t happen that way lol!
Does anyone else wonder about this too?

[itsallaboutthepink]

Hiya,
I’d hoped that when I had my daughter that I wouldn’t mind which gender I had next but if anything it’s intensified my wish for another daughter.
It’s mad, even after a few days she was born I knew that’s what I wanted and it only got stronger when I saw friends with little boys. They were loving and sweet, I just felt fundamentally that I wasn’t a boy-Mum.
I often think now how I’ll feel if I conceive DD2 and then want another if gender concern will strike again!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[4blue2pink]

its interesting to think about isnt it.. i think for me it would've changed everything, i had major GD with my first baby.
if id had my desired gender first i would've been happy and able to enjoy both the pregnancy and my baby, but i know i would have still wanted a girl just as much for #2,3 and probably #4. after that maybe id suffer GD with girls who knows!!
having said that i know my dh would really want boys, would i feel like i needed to have boys for him? honestly i think i would and id probably be on here swaying blue :)
i think having boys after already having had girls would of been such a different experience compared to what it was like having boys while having awful GD.

[atomic sagebrush]

I always wanted 5 or 6 kids so I figured I would just have a mix.

I had fairly strong gender desire with my first, for a boy, and was just lucky enough to have him. I do not think I would have had gender disappointment if he was a girl - I was thrilled to be having a baby but did want a boy, mostly because I felt like I got along better with men than women at that point. With my second, I didn't care a bit either way. While I thought a girl would be fun I loved my first son soooo much that I was absolutely thrilled with a second boy. But after that, a bunch of stuff went wrong for us and we went 13 years without any more children even though I still longed for a big family. Finally things seemed like they were going well, I got pregnant with the 3rd and still at that point was ok with girl or boy. During that pregnancy, a bunch of old wives' tales and the Chinese Calendar all said girl, and I got invested in that idea, and then had gender disappointment when I found out. Then I went onto have another boy and my girl, the 5th. But regardless, I did want 5 kids, wouldn't have voluntarily deviated from that plan, just always assumed as I think most do that there would be a mix.

[lad]

I think about this a lot, especially because we've only had our first baby, and are hoping for three.

Our first was a boy, and for some reason I'd always had it in my head that I was going to have girls (I have one sister who I'm super close to, and my mom was my absolute best friend growing up). In addition, my husband has always really wanted a girl, and even has had a girl name picked out since he was little. When we found out we were having a boy, I was shocked, but ultimately delighted. And in retrospect, I'm so glad that I didn't have a girl right off--I've realized that having a boy was exactly what I needed. I needed to learn that I could love any child, regardless of what's between their legs. And I needed to realize how very individual each kid is, regardless of what gender they are. Having him has made me a better, more empathetic person, not to mention how wickedly gorgeous and funny and smart he is. If I'd gotten my desired gender right off the bat, I would've been so smug about it, and have secretly felt that girls were better my entire life. Now I know--that simply isn't true (instead, now I worry that our next children, regardless of gender, won't hold a candle to how wonderful our first is). So anyway--I think getting the opposite gender first was just what I needed. Now fingers crossed that we'll get a girl on our next try!

[Racheleighc]

I don't know... I had a girl first. And then a boy, which I hoped for. And then got my third I was okay either way cuz I knew I'd have a fourth. But then my GD was really bad with my fourth. Didn't matter that I had one daughter. I desperately wanted another girl. And then was sure my fifth was a girl.. And was devestated again. I of course love my boys to death. But I think I would have been much more content with one boy and the rest girls. Of course then I def would not have had my latest sweet angel of a boy. So idk ��

[Sora]

I think most do think about that. I know I think about it every day waking up, every night going to bed.

It's funny, for the longest of time, I wanted girls and if possible, more girls than boys (still wanted at least one boy to know how it was). I grew up without a mother and wanted to know a mother/daughter bond, even if I would be the mother, not the daughter. It's life.

Then fastforward two decades later, two decades of awful female role-models, unlucky encounters with physically abusive women and suddenly, at the dawn of TTC for our first child, I realized I found the idea of a daughter frightening. I didn't want to be abused again. And even if I had an angelic daughter, well I felt so lacking... I wasn't feminine, I wasn't pretty, I sucked at flirting, at shopping, at make-up and so on... I had no interest in these and if I found myself with a 100% pinky feminine daughter, I wouldn't be able to teach and advise her properly... Which would make me a failure in her eyes, which would lead to her wanting to get revenge and abuse me.

Or so it went in my head.

So wished and prayed to start with a boy. I wanted at least 3 children but was perfectly okay to have two sons and only one girl, and okay if that girl came last. I don't know if I would have had GD if I didn't get a girl, maybe ? I think it would have been very mild compared to what I have now. I needed a boy first because then, I could feel comforted in my ability to be a mom and if a daughter happened after that, I could resist the fear and GD by drawing strenght from all the good times and memories I had with my son.

Baby1 turned out to be a girl and although I had prepared for it, chosen a name and all, I felt totally panicked. Once she was born, I managed to bond quickly but would still feel awkward holding her, clothing her.

Baby2 was a surprise baby, depriving me of a chance at swaying. And when it turned out to be a second girl, GD and fear grew worse. Now I had to worry twice as much and still no boy. Took longer to bond with her. The awkwardness is still there.

Then there was the assault and what have you ? The culprit was a woman. Again. Then came the victim-shaming (why was I out and alone with my girls this day ? wouldn't have happened if I had been at work and them with a nanny... what an irresponsible mother). And again very few women supported me. Some even saying a ditz like me didn't deserve neither husband nor children. Men were better at it actually. Angry on my behalf, understanding, never blaming nor pointing the finger. Not questionning my ability to be a mother.

Every day I think : if I had sons, maybe everything would have turned differently. I would have felt proud and strong. Maybe I would have been such a better mom that assault or not, people would have never doubted my love and abilities ?
And tbh, though that woman's motives are still unclear since she's mentally ill, one of the most reliable theory docs and authorities have for her actions is that she was jealous of me for having two girls while she had only boys... and since she tried to grab my girls... We will never know for sure but if that's the truth, then had I had sons like I wanted, I would have never been attacked. It makes everything so much worse.

Maybe it will calm down if 3 turns out to be a boy ?

[tillytys]

Sora can you say/have you said anywhere on here what happened to you? I think the attack/incident is really still tormenting you and upsetting your confidence with your lovely girls.

For the record I always wanted just boys, got a girl first who again I thought I would be useless with as I am extremely unfeminine, I let her choose her own personality didnt force my tomboy personality or any feminine traits on her and she just found her own place, which they all will :)

Im not sure what would have happened if we had just the boys as intended, especially now as this latest probably isnt pink and I am just a little disappointed so clearly switched teams :)

[lad]

It's so funny--I'm super tomboyish (people always say that my son is "all boy" because he's so wiggly and active, but I just smirk and think back to the days when I literally climbed our walls, constantly was catching frogs and bugs and bringing them inside, and was known for not being able to sit through a meal--I think he's "all me," not all boy!). But despite my interests aligning more with traditional "boy" interests, I've always wanted a daughter. My mom was also super tomboyish (never shaved or plucked her eyebrows, really gross sense of humor, all around just a tough cookie in all the best ways), and so I've always wanted daughters so that I could have a similar relationship! Of course, that could totally backfire, and I could end up with a super girly girl.... I think I'd feel more out of my depth with sparkles and princesses than I do with farts and frogs! I sometimes think that so much of gender desire comes from our own relationships with our parents--either wanting to emulate or avoid things that we experienced as kids.

[Sora]

Sora can you say/have you said anywhere on here what happened to you? I think the attack/incident is really still tormenting you and upsetting your confidence with your lovely girls.

For the record I always wanted just boys, got a girl first who again I thought I would be useless with as I am extremely unfeminine, I let her choose her own personality didnt force my tomboy personality or any feminine traits on her and she just found her own place, which they all will :)

Im not sure what would have happened if we had just the boys as intended, especially now as this latest probably isnt pink and I am just a little disappointed so clearly switched teams :)

I've vaguely mentioned it before but I'm never going into the details because it's still very hard to talk about it even today. I feel very guilty and ashamed about not having been able to protect my girls (I had people blame me for failing that part, saying I had no maternal instinct), my own house and myself. I failed both as an independant woman and a mother. I can mention it more easily but going into the full story is hard. Maybe because I had lots of victim-shaming, fake relativism and stuff when it happened. And realized that although people complain about women not being believed when they report an assault by a man, it's even WORSE when you try to report a female culprit. The general population still believes a woman is soft, peaceful, non-dangerous and the worst she can do is scream someone deaf. So yeah, don't think I will ever be ready to share details again or report another harrassment/assault if it ever happen.

It does upset my confidence as a mother of any child really. If I can't protect a daughter, how can I protect a son... though a son won't be needing my protection for long compared to a daughter lol... unless he turns out to be frail and sickly ? Regarding daughters, it's more that with my trust in women torn to shreds (starting from early childhood), how can I ever feel safe with a woman, be she my sister or my daughter ? I don't think blood is a vaccine against grudges or madness. I've heard and read a lot about former victims of violent fathers/brothers/husbands/rapists being unable to stand the idea of giving birth to a boy/raising a boy and even going as far as to abort any male embryos they would carry. While I could never go as far (any thoughts of abortion vanish whenever I hear the baby's heart), I do feel terrified and uneasy about having girls. If it had been legal in my country and had I had the money, I may have gone HT and blue for the first and even second birth, if only to have a chance to calm down and build confidence and good memories before facing the task of having and raising a girl.

Of course it's just my personal experience and though I will never be able to know or understand it, I get why pink mothers want a girl desperately and wish them all the best of the best. And it's not because some awful things happened to me that things will turn out bad for them and their daughters. :cheer:

[tillytys]

Sora, I know your little ones are only young but is it possible for you to have them join the local karate club if there is one, build their confidence and self defense levels for life. When your newest little one is here you could all start together, start rebuilding whats been hurt. Its probably also a good blue sway tactic incase you want to add baby 4 :) The people around you sound like utter, cant actually type the word!, but you know what I mean:), no victim should be shamed for anything :(

[Sora]

Sora, I know your little ones are only young but is it possible for you to have them join the local karate club if there is one, build their confidence and self defense levels for life. When your newest little one is here you could all start together, start rebuilding whats been hurt. Its probably also a good blue sway tactic incase you want to add baby 4 :) The people around you sound like utter, cant actually type the word!, but you know what I mean:), no victim should be shamed for anything :(

Thank you tillytys ! Don't worry I can hear the word you can't type lol !

There is one club but the girls are a tad too young (and my oldest too frail of health rn, was born a month sooner and hasn't quite caught up physically still but I'm told it will change nonetheless with time)... But that's something I've thought about from times to times, especially with the world becoming more and more unsafe. For now they are doing music in another club. I'm a musician myself and last summer, they became interested in playing an instrument too. It's still something :) !
I'm tired of rebuilding because I've had to do that since childhood each time some drama hit my family. Don't know what happy and stable mean anymore. But I do hope we can start whatever new thing together.

TBH if there's even the need for a baby 4, I will go HT, even if that bankrupts us or I have to work 24/24 a day to pay it. I won't be able to have more children and I know I won't be strong enough to mourn my son so will have to make it 100% chances.