Mycharleygirl
January 27th, 2012, 06:53 AM
Yesterday my Dh and I found out our second ivf cycle failed. Imean I guess we could keep going forever if finances would allow. But at some point I have to say maybe this isn't the ultimate plan for us.
Here is a little history. We had many many complications conceiving and than remaining pg with our last two boys. So when we had ds#3 we turned immediately to adoption. This was fraut with heartache from day one. The search was so hard just to find an agency that wouldn't judge us and who worked in NY. Do believe NY has OTHER laws that make it harder to adopt then in most of the other fifty United States. So while there are plenty of agencies letting you chose they don't work or are not liscinsed in the state of ny. Great!!! Fast forward a few months and I found one. Just by accident really. So we immediately signed up to work with them. We had all our paper work in and hs was complete in a few short months. But it took several months for us to be profiled. That was agonizing you feel you are sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting. That's where we have been since the day we signed on two years ago. This past summer we took a break from the adoption journey and explored the ivf option. In my heart I felt I failed. I knew we were meant to adopt. Something in me knows. I can't explain. My Dh was harder to convince. But I see a future with our daughter I really do. I know I have this need for a dd for some reason. I just don't know what that is. She is on my heart for a reason I have to keep believing in that. Everyday I say to my Dh I wish I could just feel like I am content like our family is complete but I can't help wondering if I am not supposed to. That I am not supposed to because we have to keep searching for her.
At some point though when do you throw in the towel? I mean I take care of my family and we are happy but I feel like something is missing and keeps me from feeling totally fulfilled. I keep wondering if I am taking something of myself away from all of them. It's so hard to give up and say we failed. Or we give in and say I don't need this anymore. But I do. So where do I go from here? Do we continue on with trying to adopt or try ivf for a third time? Adoption feels more right to me ivf feels more right to Dh. I am just so confused. I just want this to happen :tissue:
Here is a little history. We had many many complications conceiving and than remaining pg with our last two boys. So when we had ds#3 we turned immediately to adoption. This was fraut with heartache from day one. The search was so hard just to find an agency that wouldn't judge us and who worked in NY. Do believe NY has OTHER laws that make it harder to adopt then in most of the other fifty United States. So while there are plenty of agencies letting you chose they don't work or are not liscinsed in the state of ny. Great!!! Fast forward a few months and I found one. Just by accident really. So we immediately signed up to work with them. We had all our paper work in and hs was complete in a few short months. But it took several months for us to be profiled. That was agonizing you feel you are sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting. That's where we have been since the day we signed on two years ago. This past summer we took a break from the adoption journey and explored the ivf option. In my heart I felt I failed. I knew we were meant to adopt. Something in me knows. I can't explain. My Dh was harder to convince. But I see a future with our daughter I really do. I know I have this need for a dd for some reason. I just don't know what that is. She is on my heart for a reason I have to keep believing in that. Everyday I say to my Dh I wish I could just feel like I am content like our family is complete but I can't help wondering if I am not supposed to. That I am not supposed to because we have to keep searching for her.
At some point though when do you throw in the towel? I mean I take care of my family and we are happy but I feel like something is missing and keeps me from feeling totally fulfilled. I keep wondering if I am taking something of myself away from all of them. It's so hard to give up and say we failed. Or we give in and say I don't need this anymore. But I do. So where do I go from here? Do we continue on with trying to adopt or try ivf for a third time? Adoption feels more right to me ivf feels more right to Dh. I am just so confused. I just want this to happen :tissue: