I´m down :(

[Indira]

Probably pregnancy hormones starting to play up.., anyway what´s happening is that we´re having a difficult time with DS1 in school. He´s in, I think what you call pre-K, so they just play a lot and in September he will go to school and start reading and writing.

He is just a normal boy, likes to be in the spotlight, very social and outgoing and when he´s bored he starts looking for trouble. Seems like his teacher doesn´t really like him, she always tells me negative things about his behavior, she told me she thinks he has ADHD which is ridiculous.
At home he plays with concentration for hours, he can sit still and when he is interested he is so focused. They don´t really offer the children a lot of challenges in class, so me and some other moms just feel DS1 (and their kids) are bored and that´s why they start to chase each other, be loud, ecc.
A few days ago they had a Nature day where they stay in the woods all morning, afterwards the teacher told me Ds hit and kicked another boy in his stomach. I was devastated by this, I hate that my son did this. However would I have been present I would have stopped him, I don´t understand why the teachers didn´t. This is not a normal behaviour for him, my boys ´fight´sometimes but without hurting eachother.
So on one hand I feel bad my son has bad behaviour in school, on the other hand I think they should control more and offer them more interesting and challenging activities. Plus I feel so bad for DS because it seems school pulls out his bad side and not his strengths.
And then I´m afraid to make the classic mistake of not wanting to see my own child´s negativities and problems.

Today we had his birthday party, he turned 6, we invited 2 girls and 2 boys (friends from school) and all went very nicely and peacefully, they had a great time doing our (witch them) games and playing together.
Then we sat at the dinner table and Ds continued to ask of they could see tv, I told him no not on your birthday party, a couple of times and then a bit clearer as I wanted this discussion to stop. Then one of the girls starts saying, ´you know J. tells lies in school, like the other day he said I had hit (a boy) too, and that wasn´t true´. Then the other girl said ´yeah and he is always chasing (that boy) even when that boy doesn´t want to, and none of us do that, he is just the meanest/worse kid in our school.´ I just completely froze inside and had to go in the kitchen because I couldn´t stop myself from starting to cry :(
I felt so bad for Ds too having to hear this at his own birthday party.
And now I think DH and I maybe just don´t see through him.
I feel so torn between loving my son more than anything and accepting him for what he is and then me wanting him to be a nice, social, beloved person. It´s hard to know the outside world doesn´t see him the way I do :(
Thanks for reading all the way through, rant over.

[girlmom]

kids are kids, im sure he didn't mean any harm. i wish i could offer advice. my 6 year old got picked on by a little boy in her kindergarten class last year. he made her cry everyday. and said since he knew where she lived he would sneak into her room with a pirate sword and chop her up. i told her he was joking but it got to the point where she didn't want to go to school anymore. i called the teacher who just said, "yes we've had alot of problems with this child and he picks on several of the children. we've called his parents." the problem was his parents didn't care. they didn't see the problem. their child is perfect. at least you see the problem now and can pay better attention to him and his needs.

to sum it up the school got nothing done so my oldest daughter who is in 4th grade took is upon herself to fix the problem and told bully boy, "if you speak to my little sister like that again, i'll rip your arms off!" well the little boy went home in tears and cried and cried because my 4th grader had threatened him. so his parents called the school and demanded myself and my 4th grader apoligize. they didn't like it when their child was being bullied and we haven't had a problem with them since. its nice to know some parents actually care. i think now that you recognize there is a problem you can take the right steps.

[nuthinbutpink]

He's only 6. At 6, what kind of school is he in? Here, they would be full on academics at that age not just playtime. Maybe you should request a conference with his teacher. 1. It shows her you care enough to find out what actually is going on and 2. You can't trust a 5 year old girl with what your son is actually doing.

You can't make the teacher a babysitter meaning you can't say she should prevent or stop any child from doing something. That is not her job. You do need to find out why your son reacted that way. What happened to him that he would do that?

So, I think talking to his teacher alone might help and then maybe you cn get a better idea of what his behavior is actually like. Teachers have a tough job. My sister is a teacher and she respects the parents that come to her with a genuine interest in their child and communicates with them daily via email if necessary.

[jude17]

Sounds like he is bored and may benefit from going to school now? Is this possible or do all kids where you live start school like this i.e. at the older age? The teacher sounds really unprofessional. I would have thought if there were concerns regarding your child they would have organised to get him assessed by a specialist? Is this something you would consider? I was told awful things about my boy when he was 2 and we put him into a preschool. I knew it was rubbish, talked to my sister as she is a high needs teacher and she said he was perfectly normal. I was so upset. I did take him to the doctor to ask them and they said he was just a normal little boy as well. We changed his school and haven't had any other negative problems or concerns from the preschool and he is nearly 5 now. Just go with your gut feeling and if you are worried could you get him assessed for your own piece of mind? Also some little girls can be such little know it all's and tell tales. I wouldn't be believing what she said 100% although I can imagine how much it hurt to hear her say this about your son.

Actually do you know what I think it was with my boy - we found out that our boy had bad hearing and actually has a tumour in one ear so he can't hear out of this ear. I think he just couldn't really hear the teachers at this first preschool which they put down to him having learning/behavioural issues. Could you take him to the doctor just to get a check up and get his hearing/eyesight tested? Also our boy needed his tonsils and adenoids out as he wasn't sleeping well so he would get so tired and thus grumpy which is normal in these kids as they just don't get a decent night sleep as he would snore so loud and never be fully rested.

[Cinss]

If your DS was really this terrible at school and it was common knowledge amongst the children, why on earth would those 4 children be alowed to come to your DS's birthday party? I don't think it is as bad as you think, there are always boys playing rough in schools, they are boys. And girls can be mean too, they can belittle a birthday boy at his own party for instance.

[jude17]

If your DS was really this terrible at school and it was common knowledge amongst the children, why on earth would those 4 children be alowed to come to your DS's birthday party? I don't think it is as bad as you think, there are always boys playing rough in schools, they are boys. And girls can be mean too, they can belittle a birthday boy at his own party for instance.

That's what I was thinking. If these girls really didn't like your son then why on earth did they accept and come to his party. My older son got a birthday invitation last year and we asked him if he wanted to go to the party and he keep on saying no I don't like him (they are best friends now though and cuddle when they meet each other!). So we didn't push it and we didn't go. It would make sense to me that the girls parents must have asked them if they wanted to go to the party so they must have liked him enough to say yes?

[zanacal]

{hugs} Indira. My DS1 is also 6 and I find the 'social' aspect of school so stressful sometimes. The children (all of them - the girls and the boys!) are always telling tales on each other and are frankly quite mean sometimes. Last week at school DS1 switched another girl's computer off when she shouldn't have been on it (we discussed that one!) and because she was sad all the other children told him they wouldn't be friends with him anymore! The boys are also incredibly physical. We have 3 boys so I'm completely used to them 'playing rough' but the impression I get is that without mum constantly on top of the situation, they don't always know when to stop. My DS1 got told off for kicking a friend this week at school but he tells me they were playing Kung Fu and they were all kicking each other - he was just the one who got caught! Have you spoken to your DS about the situation? If he won't open up to you, will he talk to daddy? I agree that you also need to speak with the teacher and work with the school to address whatever issues your DS is having at school but I hope it turns out to be something and nothing.

[Indira]

Thanks for all your reactions, I feel so much better today.

Girlmom, I´m so sorry that happened to your 6 year old, it must be so hard when your child gets picked upon by a boy that says horrbile things like that! and the parents don´t do anything about it.

nbp here in Germany it depends a lot how much the school wants to do on academics, for them playtime is very important and some schools offer a lot of extra activities for the 5-6 year old children, but ours doesn´t unfortunately. I do speak with the teacher daily now asking how things are going.
I have no idea why Ds reacted that way because it´s not something that normally happens. I asked him and he told me the other boy said to hit him. I told this to the teacher (not necessarily believing it) and she answered that he probably made that up. I asked her why she thinks it happened and she told me she had no idea because she didn´t see it happening. But she suspects he might have mixed feelings about me expecting nr. 3.
I do know he has to learn to respect his own and other children´s boundaries more, he tends to go on and on playing around and has a hard time walking away or saying ´I don´t want this anymore´.

jude in the small city we live children can only start school in september when they are 6 years old, so we just have to wait 6 months now. I spoke about the situation with another mom that knows him fairly well because he often plays with her son at our or their house and she is a teacher in the school he will go to in September. She told me not to worry, she doesn´t think he has ADHD but is a normal, spirited boy and that he will do fine in school. She thinks he is bored and they have tried over the years taking to the director to offer more activities, but nothing changes. I´m so sorry for your son´s hearing, thank god you found the real problem and I´m glad that now he is doing so well in the other preschool. DS hearing/eyesight has been checked, he actually wears glasses and has to wear a bend on an eye. He never protests about that but hopefully in a couple of months he won´t have to wear it anymore.
I do think that getting him assessed by a specialist might be a good idea, then we will have an objective view.

Cinns you´re totally right about his friends, today I feel I overreacted so much. Actually today I remembered one of the girls brought a card with her present and on the envelope she had drawn a heart with an arrow and DS friend said: when you draw that it means you love him, and this girl and DS didn´t answer and just smiled a bit.

I think I am a bit unstable emotionally because of hormones, I feel a bit silly now for posting this whole story yesterday evening, I just needed to speak to somebody about it, so thanks for listening and offering your help :hugs:

[PeonyPrincess]

Indira, don't feel bad for posting your feelings. That is what we are here for.
Boys are wonderful, but complex I find. I will often be thinking how mine are so lovely one minute and complete monsters the next.
At 6, boys are extememly physical. I wonder if you can channel some of his energy into a sport that he would enjoy? They are also dealing with massive hormone changes. Around the age of 4, their testosterone levels double. This must take some getting used to. The next major hormone surge isn't until they are teenagers, so I like to think there is some respite in between.
I wondered about hearing and adenoids also as my DS2 has had adenoid issues and his behaviour was erratic until we got the problem dealt with. But it sounds as though that is not affecting your son. The only other thing that popped into my mind was whether he could be insecure about having to wear glasses. Children can be so cruel when they notice anything different, and I wondered if he has had some hurtful comments made toward him, so now he is getting in first to protect himself.
Regardless, I am sure things will settle down. I always sit my DS1 down (he will be 6 in a few weeks) when he is really playing up, and just have a big chat and a cuddle. All the best.

[Indira]

Peony Princess, I don´t know where to start, you´re being so helpful!
I totally agree about boys being wonderful but complex, transforming from lovely in monsters in 2 seconds.
That´s why DS´s behaviour in school is so confusing to me, at home he is always happy and offering to help me, we cuddle and sit together several times a day and he is very interested in learning things about animals, countries, people.

The testosterone fact is very interesting. I often get caught in what happens during the day, only think about resolving the next problem that pops up and it is good to see the big picture and remember there are a lot of physical changes children go through as well.
Now it comes to my mind that last year they never told me about any problems. Then there were still a couple of bigger boys, they were like ´ the leaders´of the bunch, now Ds and 2 other boys are the eldest, perhaps he´s struggling to be the alfa male a bit lol.
Ds goes swimming twice a week, but I don´t know if that really helps to channel the energy. DH proponed judo or aikido (it is an defence only martial art) for DS1. I´m not sure about this, I don´t want to have the opposite effect and have him feel even more stronger and combative. Does any of you have a child that does martial arts ?

Now I´m thinking, Ds got a new bike for his birthday saturday, it would be a very good idea to cycle to school everyday. And the new bike would make him motivated to do that. That way he would already have had a lot of movement and used up part of his energy once he gets in. But that´s going to be hard, I would have to wake both boys earlier and it is around 32 degrees here. I do think I should try this though.

You might be right about the glasses, I was thinking the same thing when I was typing about the glasses and bend. I never heard any of the kids in school say anything about it, kids we don´t know often comment or ask their mom about the bend. Ds then some times explains the other eye has to learn to work harder.
When the girl at the party said those things about him, he didn´t react right there, so it might be that he swallows it down and generally in other situations gets in first to protect himself. I will speak about this with the teacher and about the sport/cycling too and ask if thinks get a little better.
Thanks so much!

[Indira]

things not thinks ah it´s almost midnight here, I should go to sleep now!

[Indira]

Zanacal that all sounds sooo familiar! Thank you!
Yes I spoke with DS about it, first he said it was so unfair that other children hit too and don´t get punished and he always is the one to get punished. And then he gave two different versions to me and DH, he told DH there were 2 other children with him chasing this boy (but they didn´t hit the boy I think). This boy (the one that got hit) is a bit smaller and he really likes DS. When we arrive in school often he immediately comes looking for him and the boy teaches my son German bad words lol. Off topic, DS and I are not German so our kids never use abusive language with us because we don´t teach them in our language and they don´t use the German ones because we don´t speak German at home, ha!
They do this chasing game a lot, I think the problem is Ds doesn´t know when to stop.

[PeonyPrincess]

It is funny you mentioned martial arts. The only boy in my DS1's class last year that I would call a bully, does karate! lol
However, martial arts tries to instill in children that it should not be used as a weapon. Unfortunately for this boy, he does not have a great home life, so struggles to adjust at school.

Your boy sounds lovely. And I am sure he would jump at the chance to ride his bike. It breaks your heart when they are having trouble, whether it is acting out or having others target them. At the end of the day, he is very lucky to have a mum who cares so much about him. Make sure he knows that no matter what is going on in his life he can always come and talk to you about it.