GD or is it something else ????

[WantALittleBlue]

Hi I'm new to this board, I was on IG before. I've read a lot of the threads on here and I can relate to most of the GD posts.
What I want to get at is, when I had my first a DD I had very bad GD, I wanted a DS so bad, but I knew from the moment I was pregnant it was a girl.... I tried to cope with it, fake it anything then I had hear and all I felt was guilt for all those awful feelings i had felt towards her before she was born. My Dh was great, and he tried to help me as much as he could but in the end he wasn't in my head, he couldn't understand that i felt like a failure, because culturally for me you are supposed to have a son.
Anyway, fast forward to 20 months later, after a lot praying and swaying I had my DS. i remember praying for him and saying "Lord if you give me just one boy i don't care if i have all girls after that."
I remember after he was born, my attitude changed, I felt like I had accomplished something... but what was it?? I can even say that my relationship with my DD changed we became closer, it was as if it I never had GD because I had my DS.
Now,here's the kicker 2 years after my DS, i had another DD (oops pregnancy) and here we go again with the GD. I mean what it is with me... I have a DS that was supposed to make everything better right? So why do i still feel this GD, not as bad as the 1st time but it's still there.
That is what bring me to my original thread maybe there is more to this GD than just wanting a specific gender. I come form a family of 3 DD, I never had close relationship to my father, he was a great dad but a workaholic, so maybe the GD stems from there..... who knows?? My dh comes from a family of BGGB and he has no issues whatsoever.

Sorry for the long rant, but I have never expressed myself like this before and I feel like I can do that here.

[begonia]

Welcome Wantalittleblue!

I have DD3 on the way (no DS) and like you always wanted sons. I do think you're right and for many of us there are deeper reasons to the GD. I know my GD is mostly but not entirely related to childhood/family issues. Knowing where it comes from doesn't make it any easier to have GD, or make me want a son any less, but a large part of the reason I wanted sons was to avoid having to deal with mother/daughter/sister relationships. My mother/daughter relationship model and what I saw between my mother, her mother, and her sisters was definitely something I wanted to avoid, and I saw having sons as a way to keep out of that. There are other reasons as well, but I know that is a huge part of my GD.

But of course, now I will have that mother/daughter relationship 3 fold, and even if I do have a son at some point it won't change that I have those relationships in my life now. I don't expect having a son to "fix" all of the things that I worry about with having my daughters. That would be impossible. But I still want a son :) Anyhow, I think you're right to try to look at where your GD comes from ... knowing where it comes from might not make it go away, but I do think it helps you develop reasonable expectations for what having that dream gender can really heal.

[lobella2]

I feel the way you do, but I wanted girls. I had bad GD with my DS. I was lucky enough to have a DD next and I thought since I have my DD I don't care what the next one will be. But then when it came time to try for number 3 I could feel that strong desire for a girl again. I felt like I should be happy with what I had because I did have one of each, but I knew I would have GD if I did not have another DD. So I swayed and prayed and fortunately am pregnant with another DD. I have wondered too where the GD comes from.

[purplepoet20]

The real question is are you happy with what you have or do you want another boy to even things out? Having GBG is great because your son will be used to girls and one day he will be a great man.

[auroara78]

I think a lot of my GD comes from me wanting to please other people and their perceptions of what my family should be.

With DS1, I literally thought there was no other option than "girl." I just felt i'd have a daughter, I could envision her, and I really, really got socked in the gut hard when I heard "it's a boy." I was the ulimate girly girl who had proclaimed to everyone I'd have only daughters. I couldn't believe it!

With DS2, I had the attitude that I was "owed" the daughter I didn't get with DS1. I loved DS1 to pieces, and I had comes to terms with him being a boy, etc, I loved him for everything he was, still I really, really wanted that daughter, and felt it was "my turn." Well, lo and behold, boy 2! Evan is 9 months old now, and I still sometimes struggle with what I wnated him to be, because he can be difficult at times, and he's nothing like my DS1 (who I am extremely close to now, he's 4). I feel so bad for DS2 sometimes, because while I do love him so much, sometimes I just can't "connect" to him, and I hate myself for feeling that way sometimes, and worst, it is really, really hard to admit!

Third pregnancy: I have vowed to myself before I got pregnant that A) I can't naive about the prospect of DS3. I have 2 boys already, obviously my husband and I make boys easily. B) That maybe I just wasn't meant to have girls, no matter how much I feel in my heart I was supposed to, C) I will love this third baby no matter what, I don't want to experience the ambigiousness that I felt towards DS2 when he was first born.

Problem with third pregnancy is my family's expections. Out of 13 grandkids, only 1 of them is a girl. EVERYONE wants us to have a girl. Like seriously. So I worry if i do hear boy, not only will I be sad (I know i will be a little sad), but I will feel like I let everyone down, and that's going to be harder, because I am people pleaser, and letting my family down will sting. I will probably feel somewhat worthless for a while, that I couldn't *get* the girl.

However, DH is open to number 4, and I'm not sure if I want to do number 4, and I can't even comtemplate it right now, with the morning sickness and all, so I am hoping this is my daughter.

[WantAnotherBoy]

Hi, WantALittleBlue!

I don't post here much, but your post caught my eye in a major way.

I always wanted boys, never had any desire for a daughter at all. I really think these are my issues stemming from childhood--I was a tomboy in a major way (still am), and just didn't understand other little girls. I was much more interested in "boy" stuff, and it actually got to the point that I thought it must be better to be a boy. I understand that about myself, but it didn't stop me from being a little disappointed when my second child (due in March) turned out to be a girl. I had a DS first, and was over the moon about it--but if I could pick and choose, all of my children would be boys. One just wasn't enough. I know I'm going to love my daughter, but I fear there will always be that little voice in the back of my head wishing her to be male, and that I will always (consciously or not) favor my son over her. (Either that, or go overboard trying NOT to favor him so much that HE starts feeling resentful, if that makes sense.)

This is definitely the place to get those feelings out--they have to go somewhere! Best of luck to you!

[Hobbermittens]

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel! I have always wanted boys, too. I think my desire to be a boy mom stemmed from being a tomboy, and being close with my dad, and having a poor relationship with my mom. I guess I figured I was better suited to raise boys. I always thought I'd have a houseful of sons. I don't like many girly things; I don't wear make-up or dresses, you couldn't PAY me to wear heels, and I would much rather play trucks with my son than have a tea party with my daughter. But having daughters has good points, too, and I never would have realized that if it weren't for my DDs, so I am trying to appreciate them as much as I can.

[WantAnotherBoy]

Hobbermittens, you and I could be sisters!

[Cinss]

You mention culture being very boy focused, i think that would have a lot to do with your feelings.