Can't believe I'm here...

[annabel♥lee]

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I have been wanting a third (or, a girl, I should say) since my second son was about 3. I kept putting it off because I was so scared of THIS OUTCOME. Another boy. So, I waited and waited and finally went for it and...yep. Another boy.

I felt nothing when I watched my ultrasound today. Nothing. Nothing except regret. I wish I wouldn't have gotten greedy and tried again. I wish I would have been happy with my two boys and stopped there.

I don't want to be pregnant. Don't want a baby. I wish it would just go away...

[sweetpea]

I am truly so sorry, Annabel. :sad:

[Cinss]

I'm so sorry you didn't get that girl this time.

[TTC5]

I'm so sorry :( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[KnockYourBallsOff]

So sorry sweetie :(

[Princess of Pink]

Trust me this feeling will go away!! I thought my world had ended when I found out about #5...I honestly couldn't believe that everyone else I knew managed to get an opposite....and here I was with 5 girls!! It got much better and I was in love by the time she was born....but took a few years for the GD to go away. Now I am happy either way and I honestly NEVER thought I would ever get to this place.

[nuthinbutpink]

I'm so sorry. I know it is so hard. I've been there and many, many of us on the forum have been there.

I only wanted 3 kids but when I knew that my number 3 was the same as the first 2, I had to sit and have a rational discussion with DH. I think it is normal to be angry and grieve but there will come a point when you have to decide what your next steps are.

You will get past this. All of us have and continue to live our lives. It does get better. I know you don't feel that right now but I am going to type it anyway to remind you.

He will bring something to your life. He will fill a gap, admire you, love you unconditionally and teach you something about yourself. I know my kids have taught me things.

If you want to look into HT, I'd be happy to help. If you find out that your family is complete after this baby, that is great too! I hope after you take some time, you'll be okay. I know it is so hard right now but we are always around to chat.

[ttcadaughter2012]

I am so sorry. I remember after finding out my 3rd son was a boy how upset I was. Its hard because no one really understands how you feel and tells you to be happy that it is a healthy baby. I have 4 boys and it is hard because inside I feel incomplete. I know the feelings ended when I saw all of my boys and I couldn't picture my life any differently. I wish I could give you a hug!!

[Myloves]

I'm so sorry Annabelle... although it does feel unfair right now, you will get to a point where you won't be able to live without your baby :awe: praying that you feel happier soon, love x

[My Fabulous Children]

I'm sorry that you are going through this and feeling so sad. I hate GD :(

Sending you lots of hugs xxx

[pinga]

Hey hon... I'm right there with you. I found out on Friday I'm expecting boy #3. I was hoping so desperately for a girl... but just knew it would be a boy. I've been tearing up loads.... but not so much today. I still feel pretty flat but I think once I'm able to focus on the baby rather than on what I'm missing out on... things will be better.

Hugs

[annabel♥lee]

Thanks everyone.

I just feel so empty right now. All I can think about is trying for a fourth. I'm not even thinking about this baby. Just almost pushing it aside waiting for the pregnancy to be over so I can try again for my girl.

But in reality I don't want 4 kids. I'm so mad at myself. I should have done PGD, then I wouldn't be in this mess. :(

[Prayn4Haven]

Im so sorry Annabel. I wasnt as upset with my second but i am preggo again and know that i will feel the same as you if i hear boy again. Just know that you are not alone.

[zanacal]

Oh Annabel, I'm so sorry x

[indigoviolet]

I'm SO sorry to be reading this. Sending big hugs your way.

[annabel♥lee]

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate all of your support. It's nice to vent to others who understand. So far I've been dealing with it by shopping. I have been buying alot of Gymboree outfits and I'm about to spend about $250 at Zutano.

It definitely hurts to go into the baby stores...because the girl stuff is right there in my face, and it reminds me of what I'm missing out on. But online I'm ok. I'm coping by telling myself my baby will be the cutest dressed little boy.

[HopingWishingPraying]

Annabel I wish I could reach through the computer screen and hug you because your post resonates so strongly with me. I was EXACTLY where you are this time 12 months ago. My bub was due (and born) mid July 2011, so this time last year I too received the news that I was expecting #3. Just like you, I was completely devastated. I cried for days (and weeks and months) like my heart was broken. I couldn't sleep, eat, or function for days after the scan, my DH had to take time off work as I couldn't look after our boys or leave the house because I couldn't stop crying. I was a total mess lost in grief. I also felt a massive disconnection from the baby and the pregnancy. I had my 2 boys, I didn't want or need another, I thought. It didn't seem another boy could bring anything to my life that I didn't already have. Getting the blue clothes out for a 3rd time made me cry, it was all just more of the same, the same.....

I want to reassure you though that you are absolutely in the hardest part of this journey right now and it WILL GET BETTER... a lot better. The pregnancy is so hard, so so hard... you have empty arms and know nothing about this little guy at all except the one thing you dont want to know... that he's a boy. You dont yet know what his personality will be like, what will make him smile, what his little laugh will sound like, what will make his eyes light up, anything that makes us love our babies like we do. For me it started getting easier after about 12 weeks of intense mourning, but was still hard until he was born. Since then it has gotten easier every day. This baby and I, we are in love, so in love with each other. I still have a longing for a daughter that is always with me, but my GD is no longer about this baby.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and you would be 12 months down the track. As I write this I have a beautiful little cherub of a 6 month old baby happily playing with his toys at my feet. He has filled a spot in my heart I didn't know was there. He is not "just another boy" or a repeat of his brothers, he is his own unique little person and he has brought so many moments of wonder, joy and awe into my life in his 6 short months with us. God has definitely given me something I never knew I needed but obviously did in this little lad. Despite my other 2 being blonde and myself and my husband being blonde as children we were shocked and surprised to get a little lad with dark brown hair this time... so lovely to have something so different and unexpected. He makes my heart sing everyday and I thank God all the time that he "beat the lime juice". He was meant to be, and he was meant to be mine.

I was so worried that he would have felt my rejection of him in the womb, that he would have been affected by my disconnection and damaged by it, or that he would somehow know that I didnt want him. He doesnt. This little boy of mine loves his mummy in the most purest of ways, I wish I could bottle it. He looks up at me with his beautiful big blue eyes and the trust and love that radiates out of them for me is tangible. He spots me from the other side of the room and his whole body shimmies and writhes with delight that he has seen me. If he is given to someone else he tracks my every movement around the room and he just knows that I am his mummy, his "special someone" and that he belongs with me. He grins at me with the biggest, gummiest grins and he is just so secure, so innocent, so contented. I can sense it oosing from him, his trust that I love him and will care for him and do anything for him. He has never seemed to question his place in this world, his right to be. He knows he is mine and that I am his, and we are meant to be together. It sounds all so airy fairy, but it is true... I just want to reassure you that it will get better, and the way you feel now is no reflection at all on how you will feel about your baby once he is here. The pain will fade with time and you will love your little man. He will bring things to you that dont seem possible right now. We all know what you are feeling and are here for you. big hugs!

[KnockYourBallsOff]

Hoping Wishing...that was beautiful! MAde me tear up. I completely agree.

[coocoobananas]

I got teary too, WOW well said! I'll go for my sway but think of all you said when I find out it's a boy! I will be waiting til the end this time as I know this is how I will feel no matter how much I tell myself I am ready to hear it! All I know is that when ds2 was born, it didnt matter what sex he was because it was him.

[auroara78]

HopingWishingPraying, that was beautifully said! It moved me to tears too...and I hope it helps Annabel too some :)

Annabel, I think shopping online is great. I think having a focus on getting him awesme clothes is good too. :hugs:

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I was in your position a while ago. My DD3 is 19 months old. The hardest part for me was being pregnant and dumb comments of everyone asking what the baby is and then saying inconsiderate things. It is hard also when they are young.

As they get older it gets easier because then it is no longer what gender you just had etc. etc.

You will always get "will you try again".

I was the most depressed person for so long and I even feel it is getting better.

[wilma_five]

I know how it feels but trust me, this feeling will fade. You will love your little 3rd baby, the boys will love a little baby brother! Focus on the future!

[Messyhair]

I just found your updated thread - sorry you didn't get to hear what you wanted at the scan. There's always high tech or adoption, but I know it's not quite the same. I wanted a girl so bad for my first because we only planned on having one. I actually got a gender scan done so that I would know what I was having early enough so that I had time to get over the disappointment if it was a boy. That didn't take long, though. He's an awesome little guy and yours will be, too.

[hopingforalily]

I am so sorry! I know exactly how you feel...I was the one who burst into tears on the ultrasound table when I found out DS3 was a boy....at the time we only wanted 3 kids, so at that moment it felt like the end of the world. I do have to say that little boy became the light of my life! Such a sweet little being! I know it doesnt feel like it right now, but it does get easier. Big hugs to you! xoxo

[juffertje2]

We've been there! We can only say big hugs......
But trust me..It does get better. Eventhough you don't want this child at this moment, there comes a time when you will be ready for him! It takes time an a lot of grief!
For now, let yourself have these feelings! Drown in misery, feel very sorry for yourself! Hide in bed and let the tears come! It's ok! And then, in a while, you'll see it does get better!
I konw that doesn't help now...And you feel like you will never ever love this child.
Try to keep in mind, it's not his fault!
I've been there with #3 and #4 again! And trust me, my #3 is my little precious! I look at him, and wonder why I ever had feelings about not wanting him!
And #4 is going to be my child and I will be proud of him!