Question for people with large families and/or more kids than you thought you'd have

[PinkSabra101]

Hope this is the right place to put this....for those of you who have either large families (I know that number is different for everyone--for me it's more than 3 where for some people that's nothing!) or have ended up trying for more kids than you thought you wanted....can I ask (while acknowledging these are quite personal questions):

1. Did you have to convince your partner? While I do know some men who want bigger families than their female partners, the most frequent story I see is of woman convincing man. Does that lead to resentment in places where the guy said "ok, but for you"?
2. How did you work out if you truly wanted another child or if it was about trying for a particular gender? Like truly deep down figure that out.
3. How did you work out if you truly wanted another child and not just another baby?

All premature as baby 3 isn't even out yet, finances are limited, and I'm pushing 40. But I hate the thought of shutting down the thought of another baby forever. However, I think deep down what I want is the experience of having another daughter, naming her, and enjoying her as a baby. I don't know if I can honestly say that I want to take on a whole other child--of any gender--and it would also take some major convincing for my DH and some major squashing into our home. There is a large gap between my older two and this one and the thought of two "sets" is nice. But do you consider a whole other child just out of desire for symmetry?! Just curious how other people have made these decisions and how it was either having more kids than you'd thought you would or stopping even though you'd have liked to try again. Also acknowledging that for some people it isn't a choice, and either a surprise comes along or nature decides no more. TIA!

[atomic sagebrush]

Bumping! I know we have a lot of big families on here, can't wait to see the replies!

[treens]

My first baby was a girl who was an oops baby. I got pregnant at 20 and right away got married. We were pushed into it by our families thinking that was the right thing to do. We were more like friends and ended up having a son two years later we didn’t end up working out as it wasn’t meant for us, but we still are friends.
I then got married again and desire to have a child with him. He had two girls and he was such a good dad. We ended up having to wait years on the waiting list to get his vasectomy reversed and ended up having a little girl he desperately wanted a boy, but I did not know anything about swaying at that time, we tried to have another but his tubes blocked up. Which is the best for us as it was a very toxic relationship.
I always thought I would have two kids or four because of symmetry for some reason. But I really was never leading towards 4 it’s just growing over the years.

I know have an amazing husband, but he’s 11 years younger than me. I love children and knew he would want to have one of his own and we swayed for a boy and had a boy. He would love another boy but we swayed girl and it ended up having a loss of a girl. We are currently trying for another swing girl but happy for just a healthy baby.
My children have large age gaps also 22, 19, 11, almost 2. I am now almost 43 and really find having a baby as an older mom awesome. You really appreciate all of the stages. Things may be slightly harder but I appreciate every day.

I guess my story is a bit different, but I can understand how you cannot know for sure how you’re feeling. I think you should have your sweet baby and give it a little time to decide how you feel after that. You never know.

[PinkSabra101]

Thanks Treens for sharing your story and I'm so sorry for your loss; I hope you have a healthy baby very soon! I think I should definitely see what 3 feels like first, but I've never been great at sitting with uncertainty. Wish I was the kind of person, like someone I know, who didn't try/didn't prevent for a 4th for 6 months and then actually closed that chapter when it didn't happen within that time and has as far as I know been content. I don't know if that speaks to the strength of her original desire for it, or lack thereof, or if some people are just better at accepting an outcome and moving forward. I'm more the once I start I obsess type. :P

[PinkSabra101]

Lol to be fair if I had a large family I’d probably have neither time nor energy to reply but still would love to know ppl’s experiences !

[LMSM]

Hi!

I'm a mum of 4 (4 girls) and hoping to add #5 (and hopefully our 1st boy!) soon - TTC planned in a few months.

For context, for our 1st, I was very clucky for a few years - but our situation didn't allow us TTC. So we waited until we'd been married for a year and more stable. My husband would have been happy to wait a LOT longer (I don't think he would ever have initiated TTC, though he wanted kids).
Turns out, we waited 2 years to have our fist DD - and fertility treatments after I got an endometriosis diagnosis (which in itself was good, after suffering and being dismissed for 15 years).
Even being extremely sleep deprived due to our 1st sleep thief, I got very clucky once she was about 10 months old - turns out, my cycles were resuming and we had an oops on the 2nd PP cycle...that ended in miscarriage. Was very very sad, had another laparoscopy for my endometriosis...and came out very impatient to have another baby. Hubby wasn't that keen, and even said "even if we only have DD!, that's ok too" but once I'd healed from the surgery, was okay TTC as he could see how it consumed me ( I think I needed to be pregnant and have a take home baby to not feel like I somehow failed?) . We knew which fertility treatments worked for us, so we got pregnant fast. My 2nd DD was born a couple of months after DD1 turned 2.
DD2 was chill (oh so chill compared to her sister!) - so was happy to wait to have another, to just enjoy our life as a fam of 4. HUbby was NOT keen for another and it caused friction when DD2 was approaching 18 months - I was surprised at how impatient I'd suddenly become (hint - I had just weaned DD2 at 17 months...cluck cluck cluck!). We ended up TTC'ing for #3 a few months later and were pregnant within a couple of cycles...along came DD3!
He was content with our 3 girls and didn't feel we needed more kids - I was convinced we needed one more, a son..geared up to start swaying, he took *some* supplements (maybe)...but lockdown, water heater burst in the coldest week of the year, we kept warm in the bed LOL but little miss #4 snuck in (we'd been DTD unprotected for the 1st part of the cycle before fertile days with no problems for over a year!) early in my cycle...so there went our chance to sway or even TTC!
My first word when I took the test "F*CK!" LOL I felt robbed - then when I found out it was another girl, I broke down - I was NOT ok. Kept the baby as couldn't not, and he honestly was more connected to her than me the whole pregnancy.
Now when I ask him "one more?" - he just says " but when do we sleep??" LOL
So long story short (too late!) - I have always been the initiator... he would have been content with no kids (or maybe would he have initiated with time, had I not?) -or much smaller a brood. He genuinely doesn't care about gender though.
I do think when the kids are difficult (and our eldest is likely ASD/ADHD and can be VERY difficult) - he does carry sone resentment towards the situation (bearing in mind we have ZERO support as our families are overseas very far away - haven't seen most in 5 years).
I always wanted a least 3 kids, ideally 4 with all or most boys - would have been fine with a 50/50 split - NEVER expected to have 4 GIRLS though haha
For me, I know that I would probably have not wanted more kids (even though am sure I would still get clucky because apparently my hormones drive my decisions LOL) had it not been for the fact that I cannot shake the desire to have a son. It's not outside the realm of possibility that I will chicken out but I really feel like my head and body have been giving me signs to go for it...nothing rational but have worked on myself to be at peace with what happens (if I'd been rational, I would have stopped at 3 regardless of gender hehe).
I do feel immense guilt at the thought of adding one more really just for *my* selfish sake (girls want a brother, DH doesn't care nor he is *keen* for another per se) - stretching our resources, time, etc...BUT I can see how they also have become their own group, relying on each other (doing cr*ap and mischief together) and I hope that it just multiplies the love too. I figure once you've got 4, eh, what's one more? We already have the space and big car!

[PinkSabra101]

Thanks so much for your responses; I hope you have a successful sway soon if you plug ahead with it. Funny, I also think my DH would've been content with no kids, and I think if we had more resources (we do not have the space in the house or car....we'd certainly all eat and be clothed, but things would be tight) he might be a bit more "whatever" about more. He also does not care about gender one bit; perhaps easy to say as we do have both, but I just don't see him ever caring or bringing it up or having any kind of preference... he says as it can't be controlled why bother caring about it...my god, I wish I was like that...about anything! FWIW it would be my absolute dream to come up with 4 girls' names. I'll probably be doing that for fun longggg after my childbearing years are over. Good luck with the :DS: sway

[LMSM]

Thank you!
Let me tell you, it was HARD naming 4 girls haha
I kinda let DH choose DD1's name, and I suggested the others which he didn't veto...but now, the name I think like the most is DD4's :D
I have a LONG list of boy names on the ready that I've been building for decades - hope to use a few soon :P
Sending all all ALL my pink dust to you and the ones that want it - I do NOT want it back ever thanks

[Walkerbabies]

Your questions are quite interesting! The answers are just as interesting too! I hope you get your 3rd child. I'm 46 and I recently had my BFP. This will be my first and only child!

[PinkSabra101]

Congrats to you!!!! Here’s to a healthy and happy 9 months and beyond x

[PinkSabra101]

self-indulgent update to the thread...my son is 2 months old (and glorious!) and I'm adamant that this cannot be my last baby. I honestly thought I might end up feeling that way to have another daughter, but that's gone...I'm obsessed with my son lol.... I just need another baby/am not done. Totally acknowledging that 1. As far as I know (I'm not young) I *may* have the luxury of trying, which I don't take for granted and I know doesn't apply to everyone (also, I may not have that luxury, I have no idea)...though I certainly don't have ages. 2. I'm likely still very hormonal and in the honeymoon period and in a year might say what was I thinking I am DONE. I know it's not uncommon to feel this way after having a baby. But...what do you do if you're not done and your partner is? Or the other way? Mine said if I really needed it he'd go for it---or at least not prevent for a year--but I think deep down he's done. And our house is small (my argument is that, within reason, this can be changed while when the fertility window closes it CLOSES) and we are not wealthy and neither of us has the patience of a saint. What do you do if you don't agree? Who "wins"? Just opening that chat really for anyone who has experience or is in a similar boat/wants to chat about it as it feels very indulgent to bring up "in real life". Very much trying to live in the now and enjoy the baby/kids I have instead of worrying about the future, but can't let it go!

[Kiwimaz]

Me me me!
I had #5 5mths ago (Hey Atomic!) (& after we had #4 we were DONE then around 15mths old had changed of heart) but I shed a tear most days at the thought of ending my reproductive years. And I do still have a heart to give my DD a sister. My husband right now says he is totally done. But I do think it's different from his point of view. I love the excitement of a bfp, feeling the baby move, giving birth etc yes I love babies. But I also love seeing how they love each other as siblings and take heart in the fact that when I'm old or gone, they'll have each other.
I think I could've stopped at 3 if #3 had been a girl. I was desperate to experience raising a daughter (& we do love it), then having 4 I guess we were already classed as a large family so it didn't seem a stretch to add one more. I'm afraid to mention it in the real world because it does seem indulgent and almost everyone has assumed now we have 5 we are done. Atm I'm just asking my DH to keep an open mind & trying not to be set on convincing him yet when our baby is still a baby because things do change. I have a few regrets about last sway although my DH wanted another boy anyway he wasn't really behind a hard girl sway. But right now I'm asking myself, in 25yrs when my daughter gets married or has her first baby, am I going to regret not having another go at giving her a sister? I have 2 older sisters & 2 older brothers so that is my background I guess - I can't imagine not experiencing the bond of a sister... of course you need to account for your financial and emotional abilities. I'm also 39 now so not too much time left but I know alot of people who've had a baby in their 40s.

[kkkk37]

That's great news.

[atomic sagebrush]

My thinking was simply that I have seen plenty of men tell their wives "we're done, we're done" and then a few years later, they decide they're done all together and then start a whole new family with a different woman. I have seen this happen literally into the thousands of times both on this site and IRL, and of course we've also seen gobs of celebrity men who do the same. Their wife is left with nothing but regrets because even if still fertile at that time the odds that she will meet someone with time to start a family (while raising her own, and likely working to support everyone) are not stellar.

Because women have a limited time to have a baby, because we are the ones who go through the process physically and do the bulk of the child care, and because even seemingly decent men pull this trick regularly, I think we have to have the biggest say in adding a child to the family.

Plus, most men may balk at the idea and then be very happy they agreed to have another child. Theoretical babies are much more appealing to women then they are to men - men tend to only see the downsides but once the child arrives they're very happy to have them. I know my husband was not at all sold on another baby, but he absolutely dotes on our daughter.

And there's also the factor where we as women are largely expected to be supportive of our husband's whims and life choices at our own expenses. Men are often switching careers in midlife, taking "bucket list" trips, spending money and time pursuing hobbies that we women don't. My husband took a year off work once after his dad died, spent all our savings during that time, has our family living way off in the country (like, WAY in the country), drinks alcohol in quantities that are more than I would prefer, and loves buying old cars. None of those things were my choice, but I support him in that because it was important to him. So why is it, exactly, that the things that he wants to do are in any way more inherently better or superior to the things I want to do? They aren't, yet society looks askance at a woman who wants a child like she's just this side of unhinged! I felt that for me, that last baby was simply non-negotiable, and this was one time I was going to put myself and what I wanted first.

I do want to point out that many of us have had a very strong baby desire that then wanes at about the 12-18 month mark. So it may be that soon you do feel at peace with it - but don't sell yourself and your wishes short! We go around but once, and sometimes it is ok to put yourself and your own needs at the top of the pecking order. :)

[PinkSabra101]

I think if he knew for sure that all would be well and healthy, my DH would go for it. He worries that something may be "wrong" (entering uncomfortable territory here, I know, as none of us has any idea what life will bring for us or any of our kids, even if things start of "perfect") and is inclined to count his blessings and "quit while we're ahead." I'm an only child so definitely have that massive desire to give my kids lots of people they can (at least in theory) count on as adults. I've certainly seen loads of siblings not get on or even speak, but it's my hope that my kids would at least have each other in some capacity, even if they're not best friends. Funny, my DD has no desire for a sister but would love another brother (Atomic, you were RIGHT when you told me all would be ok on that front). I think DH recognises that as the person with the closing fertility window I do get a big say but he's also disinclined to go down the trying route again as I was not easy to live with going through miscarriages or even in the pregnancy so I'd probably have to be a bit more practical about it all and go in with a "if it happens great, if not, I cannot get sucked into obsession and I will have to move on." Ha I bet desire does shut down after 18 months but we'd have to try well before that and not even give it a chance to shut down as I'm nearing 40. Thanks for answers, lots to think about!

[PinkSabra101]

To update this--we went for number 4. My house is a chaotic mess, as are my emotions, but I'm very glad we went for it. I was expecting a "great, now my family is complete" moment but honestly I'm just sad I'll never be pregnant again...only 3 weeks post-partum though so hoping the aha moment will come. I know 4 isn't a massive family compared to some but in London it's considered mad/only for the very rich (we are not). I have to say, though, I love writing cards and all the space our names take up. I even kinda like attempting to go out and how we take up an entire booth. It's messy and chaotic--and hard--and fun and so different from my only child childhood (not a comment on either being good or bad--just keep realising how very different it is). So, we did it!

[PinkSabra101]

Kiwimaz, did your desire wane? Did you act on it? I know some of it is nature tricking me into MAKING MORE PEOPLE and I also know that we are, for many reasons, DONE. But I'm wondering if it's just a sad feeling I have to live with or if it does go away.