How to just let go of the desire?

[chocolate]

So what are your best tips?

I have a 3rd on the way and would like 4kiddies and very much doubt Ill get to have the girl Ive always secretly wanted but never really had the courage to say.

Sometimes I say Im fine with what I get, be grateful etc. and say I have no problems. Other days I think 'oh god but what if I never have a daughter, my boys will leave home and I will have no one and be lonely etc.'

How do you let go and just accept your fate of not getting your gender desire?

I think for me I will need to do daily diary and try to keep reminding myself to be positive about what I have got compared to others. Be grateful I have the chance of having a big family and to remember I tend to be a negative person anyway so even if I had a daughter I may still not find that 100% happiness with my life Im looking for.


Has anyone got any tips? Im trying to prepare myself in advance of hearing 'boy' again as I want to try to be positive about this amazing little person we have created and about the amazing boys I already have.

Also - tips on people's comments: at the moment Im too defensive and its probably obvious when I say 'Im happy with my boys and wouldnt mind another boy' or 'wouldnt like the girl teenage years' etc.

Maybe it would be better to just say 'yes Im a little sad I will probably never have a daughter but then not all mother/daughters are close and there are plenty of Mums out there who have amazing son relationships, its how you bring them up'........... type of thing

[auroara78]

Chocolate, I am in the same boat as you.

I love my sons, they are amazing.

I always wanted daughter(s). It is hard letting go of the dream that I've had for so long. I've asked myself time and time again why this is so important to me. I'm not even very girly (I used to only wear dresses, I did play dolls when I was younger). It's just something that I've always desired and something that is a bit of a mystery to me. I can't pinpoint or exactly explain why I want a daughter so much, but the idea of never having one sometimes takes my breath away or breaks my heart, or makes me feel like my life won't be as "full."

Lately, I've had very strong vibes that I'm carrying a boy, and when I feel a bit sad about it, I feel even worse, like I'm a bad momma for not wanting another handsome little fellow. I know if the baby really is a he, I'll love him to pieces and he'll be great, but what got me through GD with DS2 was the idea of getting pregnant again. And I made it happen very fast, maybe too fast. DS2 is only 9 months old and I'm already 2 months pregnant. So it will be good that DS2 and baby 3 will be close in age, but I worry that I just rushed everything too fast, and maybe all I'm going to get for my impatience is another son.

:hugs: chocolate, I know how hard it is, wanting to let go of the desire and just accept AND geninuely be happy for whatever is.

[chocolate]

Hiya,
sorry you feel the same, its tough. My DS2 will be 22 months when this one comes along and DS1 just starting school so feel a bit like if Id have known it was going to be another boy for sure then Id have waited another 8 months or so. But on the plus it means I start maternity leave in time for DS1 starting school.

I am really thinking this is def. a boy now, and think Ill be too scared to try for number 4 in a rush as after 3 boys I just dont think we'll get a girl so number 4 will be a bigger age gap of almost 3 years I think, at least then Ill know he is my last and to really really enjoy it. I will try to remember that this time, that my baby years are almost over so really enjoy them as babies.

I guess Im struggling with announcing to people as I dont want there excitment of maybe a girl or there pity when they know boy.

Chocolate, I am in the same boat as you.

I love my sons, they are amazing.

I always wanted daughter(s). It is hard letting go of the dream that I've had for so long. I've asked myself time and time again why this is so important to me. I'm not even very girly (I used to only wear dresses, I did play dolls when I was younger). It's just something that I've always desired and something that is a bit of a mystery to me. I can't pinpoint or exactly explain why I want a daughter so much, but the idea of never having one sometimes takes my breath away or breaks my heart, or makes me feel like my life won't be as "full."

Lately, I've had very strong vibes that I'm carrying a boy, and when I feel a bit sad about it, I feel even worse, like I'm a bad momma for not wanting another handsome little fellow. I know if the baby really is a he, I'll love him to pieces and he'll be great, but what got me through GD with DS2 was the idea of getting pregnant again. And I made it happen very fast, maybe too fast. DS2 is only 9 months old and I'm already 2 months pregnant. So it will be good that DS2 and baby 3 will be close in age, but I worry that I just rushed everything too fast, and maybe all I'm going to get for my impatience is another son.

:hugs: chocolate, I know how hard it is, wanting to let go of the desire and just accept AND geninuely be happy for whatever is.

[purplepoet20]

What I have learn about peoples comments... like "poor you, you have all boys" "I am so happy I only had girls" bla bla bla. Mostly they say stuff like that because they were not happy with what they had. They are jealous. When I know someone has all girls and they have the nerve to speak rudely about my boys I just make a comment back at them.

Yes I would love a girl so I can be done with kids but then I wonder if I should go for 2 of each. What if I have another boy am I going to want 1-2 girls after that or will I give up. The truth is you will drive yourself insane with wishes, dreams, and desire. The best thing is to look at your family as a whole and see if you would trade any of your kids for your DG! Would you do anything for your kids! Are they your whole world!

I myself would be happy with 3 boys or even 4 boys. The desire for a girl would be there no matter what but in the end, am I happy with what I have... A Million Times Yes!

[auroara78]

Chocolate, I will be the same. If this 3rd one is indeed a boy, I will take 3-4 years off having kids and if I really really want that 4th baby, I will try again, but I won't do it so close together. I want my last pregnancy (a 4th would be final!) to be extra special.

[chocolate]

Purplepoet, thanks for that, I wouldnt trade any of my boys for a girl now I have them so must remember that when I feel a bit down.

Aurora, I think the gd with the last boy wont come about until they get to about school age, but will then be tied in with 'my baby is big' lol. If I could have planned my family without worrying about how long it would take to fall pregnant etc. then I would have had an almost 3 year gap between all children, I have 2 years 4 months between the first 2, then 22 months between the 2 youngest. Should be busy lol

[jude17]

I really want a girl, it just hurts so bad that I don't have her. I don't know why but I think I have always wanted a girl even when I was younger. I have always liked a certain name and I guess just assumed that I was meant to have her. I have 2 boys, the youngest just turned one. He has been a difficult baby, not helped at all by my gender disappointment. I would really love to try one final time for a girl but I am think that I just need to get over it and be happy with what I have. I know others who have only boys and they are more than happy so why can't I be happy with my boys? I just wish gender desire would go away and I can move on with my life. We were at the park today and I was having so much fun with the boys and the little one loves getting out and I did think they really are good little boys and I am happy and I don't think I will have another baby now. Anyway I change my mind every day but the last week the baby has been sick again and I just don't think I can do another baby and being so depressed if I don't get a little girl. I am really wondering if I am starting to feel happy with the boys and able to just move on with my life with just 2 boys. So maybe time helps you to move on and accept your family make up and just be happy and grateful for the children that you do have?

[chocolate]

Jude, you sound just like me, I went to the park today with the boys and thought 'this is lovely, this is good enough for me' but seeing girls there also made me think about the lack of daughter.

Ive been doing some serious thinking about am planning on saving for high tech once our newest addition is 3, if by then I choose not to do it then we have some nice spending money lol. Its a huge thing to do and does mean I need to not cut back on working hours but if I have a focus then thats fine, I work from home with my boys anyway so not sacrificing being with them, that would be different.

I just feel like Im going to be happier and a better boy mum knowing I have other options........... not that Id tell friends or family my plan but it makes announcing and being proud of our 3rd boy that bit more easier.

Maybe one day I will deal with it, but for now I need my HT plan to keep enjoying and cherishing my boys without that cloud above my head

[jude17]

Chocolate - I totally understand that it does make you feel better if you know that you can either try again for a girl or save for high tech. I would definitely do high tech (would much rather do this than sway again) if it was available where I live but it's not and I am getting too old now anyway so I would probably need 2/3 or more goes anyway to conceive. When my baby was younger I would think yes I am going to try again and I would start to feel a lot happier and not get upset about not having a girl. It helped me get through the dark earlier days when he wouldn't sleep and was clingy and grizzly all day long.

But now that he's one I am coming to the realisation that maybe the two boys is my family make up and I am slowly starting to feel a bit happier with everything. My husband is keen to try one last time for a girl so we will just see how the next few months go.

[chocolate]

It's nice your husband is supportive and is keen to have one more. My OH just doesnt really enjoy parenthood which I find really frustrating as well as sad, it kinda makes our relationship hard at times because I can't understand why he isnt head over heels in love with our boys, his boys.
We were arguing at the weekend about how he finds it a chore to bath the kids once a week or take them to the park once a week and I felt like screaming 'you dont know how lucky you are, you got your desired son, bloody 3 of them'. Sometimes he says things like 'your gonna hate it when they are older, you will be outnumbered, all that will be on tv will be sport' .......... which is kinda of a big kick in the teeth for me to hear him say that. Ive said before, what am I supposed to do when your all out at football practice and sports etc. Im gonna be so bored when they grow up and leave home' and Im sure sometimes he feels sort of smug about getting so many boys and me not getting a daughter. He said he would 'like' a daughter or to have had one of each but I just point out this is only because its supposed to be the 'norm' and he has said before he would have no connection with a teenage daughter and to be honest I dont think he would have any sort of relationship with a girl anyway as he isnt that great with his boys.

Sigh ........... I am finding that the gender desire is def. putting a bit of an atmosphere between me and OH, anyone else have issues with the husbands/partners?

[auroara78]

My husband is terrified of having a daughter. Sometimes he's really sweet and says he hopes this one is a girl for my sake, and other times, he acts like a selfish arse and says he really hope it's a boy because he couldn't deal with a daughter. He likes to bring all the negative sterotypes possible about girl children as to "scare" me away from wanting one so badly.

There are two sides to every coin, though, and funny enough, he never mentions the bad sterotypes that goes with boys.

I hear you chocolate, sometimes it makes me mad too when I am so much more invested in gender, and my hubby got what he wanted twice, probably three times! All I ever dreamt about was a little girl. I still wish she'd come into my life.