issues with hubby regarding ht

[roshu77]

I have been having the discussions with hubby regarding HT. He doesnt want any more children and 2 is what we had initially decided. He says he would do it for my happiness but his heart is not in it. The reason he gives is there is not enough time and resources for 3 children and that there are lot of sacrfices you have to make in the initial 2 years . He suggested adopting a 2 yr old but i dont want to do that. So for those who have gone ahead despite of reluctance on your hubbys part ..how was his reaction and support during the HT procedure ? did your hubbys stance soften a bit after the baby was born ?

[nuthinbutpink]

I think many of us have supportive husbands that never would have come up with the idea of HT on their own. Having issues with HT is one thing but having issues with having another child period, is a different issue IMO.

My DH did go along with me to be supportive. He would have stopped at 2 kids and been done. He kept going for my sake.

It's a big risk to take to hope for the best that he will be okay with a third child. I would talk with him some more about that and get him used to the idea. HT is very stressful. If he doesn't really want another child anyway, it could make for rough waters ahead.

[roshu77]

Thanks a lot for the response ...i do agree with what u say ...i am trying to bring him onboard before i go ahead with any of this stuff. What i was wondering if there are other people as well where one partner wants it more than the other ...i think in most cases we women feel it more strongly than then our partners. I am hoping that at the end of it all he will also feel it was worth it.

[Tissousman]

Hi roshu,
We hâve already two sons and my husband doesn't want à third one. We spoke, i cried a lot and I told him how much I need this baby girl. He will do it for me but it is to make me happy because if it was him, 2 are largely enough.....

[nuthinbutpink]

Absolutely, this is mostly driven by the woman. So, you are no different than the majority of us there. But like I said, it usually isn't whether or not they are okay with another child at all it's just how he/she comes to be. There are others in your exact situation though, yes.

[stargazer]

When I first brought it up my dh thought I was off my rocker. I was pregnant with ds no 3 and I think he felt bad towards the baby like I didn't want him as well as finances stress of extra kids etc etc. since our last ds was born tho and he ha proven to e the most amazing wonderful beautiful little boy he has come round. I do try and absorb some of the tough stuff with te kids so e doesn't feel like having one more will be too much. E also sees that life is a compromise and he has the three gorgeous boys to do all the boy stuff with and how much a want a little girl to do girlie stuff with too.

But so many things to factor is financial and emotional cost ! Not easy!
I did all te research without talking about it ten presented him with the facts. I don't talk to him about my anxieties though, that's what this board is for!!!

[KidAtHeart]

Give him some time. My husband was not on board for a long time with this. We had a lot of issues come up along the way (health, job, a move away from family). It was super hard to wait, but he saw that I just could not give up on the idea or let it go. We are about to start our first cycle. Plus, we are not telling anyone, not even our parents or best friends. So it's definitely not been an easy road. While he was done at three kids, he is doing this for me. It's been a real test of our marriage, but in the end, even though he's not very excited about the idea, I have to say that I think it has made our marriage stronger. The fact that he would go through with this, the money for ivf, let alone having another child (he's already having stress about college finances), even reluctantly, makes me love and appreciate him all the more. I try hard not to vent my anxieties to him, so this board has been a real life-saver. You are not alone! Give him some time to warm up to the idea. You may be surprised!

[jils04]

I know a friend who's DH did not want child number 2 let alone 3, bust after they were born, he was marshmallow and wouldn't change a thing. Took her 18mths to convince him each time. No HT though, just natural regular style. I don't think many people can resist their own offspring !
Good luck

[MatildaMai]

Roshu - there is no man whose heart is not in it more than my DH. He suggested a surrogate carry the 2 frozen embryos I have. Adoption is hard here as our govt is really strict. He was done at 2. He had a 3rd (oops baby) with his ex wife less than 2yrs before they split. He was open with me from the start that he didn't really want more children. That was a deal breaker for me as I wanted at least one of my own, especially if I had to take care of 3 of his. Eventually he agreed we'd could have one. Which ended up being non-identical boy twins. So we were up to 5 kids. I thought I had no chance convincing him to try HT for a girl.

Surprisingly, it was not actually that difficult the first time. He said he wanted to do it for me because it meant so much to me and because I'd been so good with my stepkids. My stepkids are great and I love our big loud crazy blended family. But I suspect maybe subconsciously DH was not averse to recreating the family dynamic he'd had (2 boys and a girl). Since then things have become more and more difficult. This is not an easy journey, things can go wrong. It puts strain on a marriage. It's hard. Very hard. And, rightly or wrongly, I think most men feel financially responsible for their family irrespective of what their wife is contributing. And that makes HT which can be a bottomless pit of expenditure seem very very scary to someone who is already worried about a bigger house, upgrading the car and college fees.

For my DH and I this is a war of attrition. And I definitely have the stamina to triumph on this one. I have had to agree to a raft of conditions. He support etc during the process has been non-existent. And I can deal with that. This is my project, my dream. And I know that I am 'on my own' with the baby, managing the twins, and everything to do with the house, as well as my work. Although he adores our twins now he wasn't hands with them AT ALL when they were babies. In fact I think it took him about 18mths-2yrs to like them but from what his mum etc have to say I think that's just how he is. Babies do not interest him at all. That's my price and its one I am willing to pay.

DH has put me through all sorts of tests on this journey but I wont give up. He's realised that now. I just need to pray my FET's work. And if they don't, well at least one of us will be happy!

My advice is:
1. Never admit doubts, worries, concerns, stresses to do with HT. Ever. They are my problem and my burden. The less he knows, the better. If I need to offload I do it here or with the friends I've made here. Or people who know what I am doing IRL.
2. Sulking and being miserable when I don't get my own way worked with my parents - not so much with DH. The happier and nicer to him I am the more I get my own way!
3. Never talk about all the things you want to do / buy for this baby. But if I ever get my DD I am SO getting a girlie pram! And there are likely to be matching mother/daughter outfits at some point!
4. When all else fails - try underhand tactics. I recently launched Operation Lychee Martini (which involved peeling the lychees, and making my own lemongrass syrup). I cooked an amazing dinner to go with it all. And I can happily report that the necessary consent forms got signed! And everybody is happy!

[roshu77]

Thanks a lot for all the encouragement and advice ...it certainly helps to know i am not alone. My hubby says he would do it for me but will not miss any opportunity to remind me that three kids are too much. Instances bieng when a kid is sick or is having a tantrum . And somehow he is a believer of doing things naturally and with least intervention. So he thinks that with pgd and so much intervention we will somehow end up with a baby with birth defects or something. I am certainly not giving up and will keep at it and hopefully things will work out. MatildaMai...,i really like your advice about dealing with hubby...it is so bang on ....
Thank god i have this board to ask my questions and read about other ppls experiences ..it makes u feel much better that u are not the only person going through this and that someone truely understands ..

[stargazer]

Matilda Mae love your tips could not agree more!