My gender dsapointment has gone away, will it stay away?

[baabaa]

Hi, i am after some advice. I am lucky enough to have two beautiful boys (DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 18 mts old). I always wanted 3 kids and hubby was always adamant he only wanted 2. I honestly thought I would have a boy and a girl (sounds so stupid), and we didn't find out the gender for either of our babies. When ds1 was born I was over the moon. I gave my husband a son, and I thought I would have one of each, so I wanted the boy first. When DS2 was born I asked what he was as soon as he was out and my obs said I could look for myself but I heard another doctor in the room say "HE is perfect" and my heart sank. This was meant to be my baby girl.

I very quickly started talking to DH about another child and he was very against it. But he has seen me shed many tears over my desire for another child and eventually said we could. He even encouraged me to look into HT options. Which I did. Finally about 3 months ago we were away on holidays, walking down the street and I was holding hands with both the kids and hubby was right beside me and it dawned on me... the boys are perfect. I love them. I am happy. The are my world. I still want a third child but I don't really mind what it is. Would I love a girl? Yes. Do I need it to be a girl? No.

My question is, once you feel like you have recovered from GD, does it come back?

We have decided not to go the HT route. It is very hard from Australia, and I don't want it enough to go through that tough road. We will try to conceive #3 soon, and I am doing the girl diet and supps, but more because I don't want to look back in a year or two and regret not trying to sway pink.

Once you have moved on from the disappointment does it com back and bite you on the arse? I don't want to live it again.

[zibibbogirl]

Hey baabaa

Interesting question. I don't know if I lost my GD or I was cured. But it is not as burning a desire as it used to be.

My story is very similar to yours. I had two boys and was really pleased that DS1 was a boy. I also thought I would have a boy first and a girl two years later. Sounds crazy looking back, but I really did expect things to turn out the way I had planned. When I found out DS2 was a boy, I was in shock. I don't know if was true GD as some people have it, but I was somewhat dissapointed that things hadn't turned out the way I thought were going to.

I immediately started looking at HT options for a third child. PGD had just been banned in Australia. Microsort was around in the USA in those days and I was considering IUI, but I knew the success rates weren't great. Then I abandoned the idea because I knew my marriage was already struggling. Not long after we got divorced. To this day, I think having two boys has been a blessing. They have had each other to lean on through thick and thin, a brotherly bond. I know now that two boys was the best outcome. I just didn't know it at the time.

When I remarried, new DH and I talked about having children. I live in an area where lots of couples have four, five and six kids. I didn't feel finished either, maybe because I always thought I would go HT for a girl and it didn't eventuate. We decided that we wanted to have four kids in total, so that meant two more. When we started TTC our third child, I didn't even try to sway for a girl. It didn't bother me at all. Maybe because I knew we were going to have a fourth, I thought I could always try to get my girl later.

In fact, part of me wanted to have a little boy for my husband, even though he loves my boys like his own. When DS3 arrived I was over the moon. I am so in love with that little boy (all of them in fact) that I now think three boys and girl is the perfect family. If I do get my DD, she will have three big brothers to look out for her and protect her. It is almost like having the best of both worlds; a pair of same sex children (boys) first, and a PP second.

I think it is only because I know number four will be our last child that I want to go HT this time. But sometimes I question my commitment to HT. I know how hard it can be from reading the stories of other ladies. I think if it gets too tough for me, I will just sway and if it ends up being another boy, he will be just as gorgeous as the ones I have now. How can I lose?

I may be one of those ladies who does one HT cycle and never goes back. Sometimes I think maybe I don't want it as badly as some other people. I would only do HT or swaying if I wanted another child. I wouldn't be going for number four just because I want a girl. So maybe there is light at the end of teh GD tunnel, even if your desire is never fulfilled. You and I may be the proof!

Zib

[baabaa]

Thanks Zib. I appreciate you sharing. I agree that I just dont feel I 'want' a girl as much as some others that take the HT route. I mean I want it, but I think it would put a lot of strain on us as a family as I don't want that for us. I am in amazement of how courageous all those women are and I wish you every best wish on that journey. My fingers are crossed that it works out well.

As an aside, your post to Persueing Lacey on the loss of her daughter was truly beautiful and bought tears to my eyes. You put into words everything I was thinking for her. I am sure she appreciated it.

Xx

[zibibbogirl]

Thanks Baabaa

I love sharing in the excitement of the HT board with the other ladies. They are all amazingly corageous. So much goes into every cycle physically, emotionally and financially. When it doesn't work out it is heartbreaking, but when it does, it is amazing. I think being surrounded by so many people who are so active about fulfilling their dreams is truly inspirational.

I suppose it is silly to compare my level of gender desire to anyone else's. I know it isn't about who wants it or deserves it more, everyone deserves to have their dreams come true. But right now I am not sure I feel that deserving of a DD because there are so many others who want it, need it, so much more than me.

Some people would probably wonder why I am prepared to go HT if I don't have so much at stake. But I think I am a bit like you, I wonder, what if I do get gender disappointment later, when all four of my children are born and I am not going to have any more, when it is too late?

I also think it is probably easy for me with the HT journey ahead of me to say I don't have a burning gender desire and I would be fine if I had another boy. The chance is still there, the door is still open. But ask me in three years time if I have another boy if I am ok with not ever having a girl and that may be a different story. That is why I was drawn to your thread. Sometimes I feel exactly the same way as I did when we TTC DS3. I wasn't remotely worried about gender then, I just wanted another baby. But other days, I think that this is my last chance and not having a girl would be missing out somehow. I have to at least try.

GD seems like a form of pre-natal depression. I have tried to understand what causes it. What makes me want a DD? Other ladies talk about wanting the mother/daughter relationship, the pink dresses, the hair and make-up etc. I don't really relate to that. People will probably think I am selfish, but for me, you know, I think I only want a DD because I don't have one.

In today's society we have access to so much and I think it fuels unlimited wants. I have been fortunate enough to get most things I have wanted. But I may not be fortunate enough to get this and for a control freak like me, that is hard to grasp.

Most of us here look at other people and think it looks so easy for them. Why not me? I think the grass always looks greener on the other side. But I think that we see what we want to see (or focus on) in other people's lives. We see someone with a pigeon pair and think they have it made, but they may be looking at us and wishing they could have four kids but their DH won't have any more.

Some people create a kind of illusory life for others to see too. Everyone wants the big house, the great job, the luxury car, the loving, gorgeous husband, the two perfect boy and girl pigeon pair kids. But even the people who seem to have all that still have their problems. Deep down they are probably disappointed and jealous and angry about something else but they make it appear as though they are so happy and everything is working out dandy for them. That makes us feel as though we are lesser beings because we know we are disappointed, jealous and angry. I admit I am guilty of it sometimes too.

Zib

[glory]

I really hope I am not stepping out of line here, but I think your GD has only gone away because dh has agreed to one more baby. If he had still said no to more babies do you think you would of still had that same moment? Did you only ever want 2 children, if this is the case and you are happy with your boys, why are you having another?

This is probably what you have to ask yourself.

I didn't have tons of GD till I was pregnant with ds3, three was the maximum kids at the time we were ever going to have and once I realised that this was it, it was very, very hard. If you get pregnant with a girl all well and good, but if it is a boy, that GD will come back really, really strong.

When HT gets me down, I ask my dh if we can just try naturally and he is very firm in saying no, he says that he knows that I still will want to go again to get my girl, he is right :(

Again sorry if I am stepping out of line, but just want to keep it real for you, I fully understand how hard it is being from Australia. Good luck with whatever you decide to do xoxo

[purplepoet20]

Growing up I always wanted a lot of kids but that number eventually went down to 3-4 kids. DH only wanted 2 but he wanted 1 of each and I did agree to just 2 kids. I saw us having a special time out DH & boy and ME & girl and the following weekend ME & boy and DH & girl. Life was perfect in my fantasy.

I was very excited to have a son first. I was so proud of showing off my lil boy in all the boyish outfits. He was my world. When I had a second surprise preg my MIL and I talked about it as if it was a girl, even after the u/s said boy. I was very sad for a long time. I even talked about a 3rd child the day we brought DS2 home. When DH agreed to having a 3rd child I did relax a little in my GD. I love having all boys. Easy to hand things down. They have a lot in common. I often wonder if I should just be happy with 2 kids.

Now that I am preg I am nervous all over again. Do I really want a girl or do I want another boy. If it's a boy will I want to try again for a girl. If I don't really want to deal with a teen girl then why am I here.... HMM to late now I am preg and I do want a girl mostly for my DH and MIL. I would be happy with another boy because I am happy with the two I already have.

How will I feel in the future... Who knows!

[jude17]

I am the same, I was so happy to give my hubby a son when I found out at the 20 week scan that we were having a boy. That was such a hard pregnancy for me as I spent 4 months in hospital on bed rest (just after this scan) but I never once felt sad that he was a boy. I wanted him so much it broke my heart that we nearly lost him. We had a second son a year ago. I took a big risk for a second pregnancy and I think as it was hit and miss that I could carry another baby I really wanted it to be a girl so I could be done. But we had a boy and everyone said that's so great to give your son a brother. Which is so true but I still want a girl so bad.

But recently I have started to feel at peace with the two boys and while I have a sway plan sorted I am really not sure if we will ttc again. Some days I feel ok and then I really miss not having a girl and think what the heck try once more and if we get another boy then I know it will all work out in the end. Its great to have lovely boys but really sad we won't have a little girl to join our family though. I personally feel that if we do ttc and we do have another boy I will be hit again by GD. But if we do get a boy then I will know that he's definitely our last child so if I am starting to feel good with two boys then this will happen with three boys.

I really want to do HT but we are in New Zealand so we could go to Asia but the stats aren't very good on it working and we could only really afford one go.

[baabaa]

Hi Glory, you are not stepping out of line at all. I have always wanted 3 kids, so that is why I want another one. It's my DH that is and has always been happy with two. I grew up as one of three and always liked the dynamic of it. If one sibling didn't want to play, you could go and find the other one. Also in later life I think it's nice to be surrounded with grandkids etc.
I have thought about stopping at two, but the idea of it doesn't sit well. I would prefer 3 boys, rather than 2 boys. Although I concede that that is what my brain says now, and perhaps later when I find myself with DS3, that I realize I just had another one to try and have a girl. That is the hardest thing to rathionalise in my mind. Whilst I think I know my GD is gone and I am fine, I really fear that it in fact has not. I guess only time will tell.

[KidAtHeart]

Three was our number. Two, maybe three. When I was pregnant with my first, I had an afternoon of "oh, it's a boy" but then any disappointment was gone. I knew I always wanted a girl and I was afraid that bc I was starting off with a boy that maybe I would never get one (one sister has all boys, the other all girls). Then my friend (with two girls) said that it was better to have the boy first. And since I knew we wanted at least two, I didn't think about it again.

With my second pregnancy, once I found out it was another boy, I did have a hard time with the second half of my pregnancy. But I think that I got the GD out bc once he was born, I didn't think about GD much. I really just felt that bond and knew it was going to be okay (took longer to bond with first, if I'm being honest). Then again, I knew that I had another shot in a few years.

When I was pregnant with my third, I didn't find out what I was having. I just assumed it was a girl. I had two boys already, so why wouldn't it be? ha! And while I did really want three children, and am happier having three boys than two, if I'm being honest, I had three in hopes of having a girl (even if I could barely admit it to myself, let alone other people).

The last three years have been difficult. For the first year I was pretty sure my husband would be adamant again having more children. 'Adamant' wasn't the word - though really, he was fine to stop at three. He grew up with just one brother, so truth be told he was okay with two. I'm one of five so the big family thing is okay with me - or at least, I understand the highs and lows of it.

Anyway, the second year after my third DS was born was probably the most difficult of my life. I had a 6 year old, a terribly cute but terror of a 3 year old, plus a one year old (which for me is just the hardest age). Then my husband had a serious surgery and couldn't even talk about the subject for months. Long, long months. Then he got a new job and we moved out of state and away from family.

He reluctantly agreed to HT. Now that we are one (failed) cycle into it, he has been super supportive. And now that the HT portion is 'real' all the GD is back. In full. I put it out of my mind for a long time bc DH agreed to it and it was just a matter of waiting. But now... I am again faced with the very real possibility of this not working (he agreed to only one cycle - though we will carry on since this one got cut short and financially it's not a great difference... yet!). Anyway, sometimes I find myself wondering if it would be okay to just try naturally and then I have to remember - NO! I cannot. If I had another boy, I would find myself in a terrible 'cloud' as DH puts it. Already having to wait for weeks to start my next cycle is killing me. I'd rather sacrifice the $$ than having a fourth boy. I know that just sounds terrible... but I know that is what is in my heart. My little 3 yr old, while still a handful, is just turning the corner out of his toddlerhood. I am just starting to see the light. I either have to have no more babies or a little girl. I can only go through it again with a girl.

Sorry - I went off on a huge tangent there! btw - we are not telling anyone about HT so sorry for the long-winded post. Needed an outlet. I hate to say it, but I don't think GD ever fully goes away. Plenty of older women still say things wistfully to me about my boys that I know that they still have pangs of GD. I do think you can learn to recover from grief, but it really is that - you have to consciously make yourself heal. Human beings are resistant. You will get better. You won't dwell as much and you will develop coping strategies. But will the longing ever go away? Probably not.

And also just to clarify, by GD, I mean Gender Desire. Although I may have been disappointed in not having a girl, I don't think I ever truly was disappointed by my boys. There may have been a few dark moments at 3am, but I still wouldn't change them. I would just love to add a girl to the mix. And if I am not able to do so, I have to consciously make myself recover.

[TTC5]

For me, it comes and goes.

[Myloves]

I think it depends on your situation. For me, the more kids I had the it worse it became. Dh and I only wanted 3 kids. After Ds1 was born I momentarily got over my gd, but it came back when I was pregnant with ds2 and turned into gender depression :(. I had some pretty dark moments with him, but when he was born he became my light at the end of the tunnel and is now my sweetest boy :o.
When he was around 6 months, I instead became obsessed with having a third baby; a girl. Had she been a boy would I have had gd? Yes, I think I would have - but the reason wouldn't be because I wasn't happy with my boys, but simply because she was my last baby.