first loss, broken heart

[fresas]

I hope it is my last.

I lost the baby at almost exactly 5 weeks so it was an early loss, but a loss nonetheless.

The pregnancy was not planned. It was more of a practice sway. Now I am scared to sway because I'm scared of all the medication and herbs I was taking. I don't know if any of these contributed to the loss. I will never know and that hurts the most.

I wish I could do high tech. I really don't want to go through another miscarriage. It hurts physically and emotionally. I want to somehow maximize my fertility and health of eggs, sperm, and hormone levels.

I am swaying with PCOS and women with PCOS have a higher risk of miscarriage because PCOS is typically associated with not just high levels of testosterone (which hurts the quality of the eggs), but low levels of progesterone. Progesterone is necessary to sustain a pregnancy and if it is too low, regardless of if the pregnancy is healthy, miscarriage rate is so high.

I have a lot of think about. For now, I miss my angel.

[girlmom]

hugs im so sorry for your loss. we lost 3 early angels and 2 daughters. it hurts the same with all if we were 5 weeks or 22 weeks. take comfort in your boys, it really does help.

[zanacal]

{hugs}, I'm sorry x

[Wishing4Princess]

that's painful, fresas. Im so sorry:(

[lobella2]

I am so sorry for your loss:(

[PeonyPrincess]

That is very sad fresas. It is so hard not to question everything, but at least they were loved and wanted.

[Mochagirl]

Fresas - my heart is breaking for you. If you ever need to talk, pm me.

[Cinss]

Sorry to hear about your loss, it is the worst thing ever :sad:

[sweetpea]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :sad: ***hugs***

[ladybug]

So sorry :(.... Having a loss is horrible...Hugs to you!

[Ribbons]

:hugs: fresas. I know it is hard. Hugs and many well wishes for your next attempt.

[mybluepilot]

I am so sorry for your loss, praying it's your last

[Yuzu]

I'm so sorry. Having a loss is so difficult. I wish you a lot of peace.

[Princess of Pink]

I am so sorry for your loss. It's not easy but time will heal. Xxxxx

[fresas]

Your support overwhelms me. Thank you so much, everyone. I know this might sound weird, but I could not get through this with support like this. Even though my husband has been very supportive and kind, a miscarriage is still kind of isolating because you physically have to do everything alone. But, this type of emotional support from you ladies, from so many of my friends, and my husband has helped so much.

My hCG levels went up and the doctor is worried the pregnancy is ectopic, but there was no indication of pregnancy anywhere on the ultrasound today. The progesterone level is still really low so I don't know if it will just take a while for my body to adjust to not being pregnant or what to think. I just want this to be over with.

Someone suggested I name the baby. Have any of you ladies with loss done this? I'm content with calling the baby my angel, but maybe a name would help. I don't know. Still so sad.

I'm praying you all have healthy pregnancies now or when you conceive. Health is not something to take for granted. <3

[Mochagirl]

I didn't name my angel, but I think that's a very personal decision :HH:.

[atomic sagebrush]

I am so saddened to read this. Huge (((hugs)))and lots of love headed your way.

[atomic sagebrush]

I did name my baby and it helped a lot altho I heard some relatives thought it was very strange I did that, so you may want to keep that info on the DL just between you and DH.

[HappyLea]

Fresas, so sorry for your loss :hugs:

[lisvna]

Hugs!xxx

[Juniebjones]

I am so sorry:(

[Kitten]

I'm so very sorry.

[tinksmagic]

My heart goes out to you. I am currently awaiting my 2nd/3rd loss. My sacs stopped any real growth at the end of week 5 (though there is much debate right now). I am in limbo which is worse than the closure.

HT is not all it's talked up to be. This is attempt #2 of PGD and it is not ending well. Take care of you first, don't beat yourself up, these things happen (which sucks, I know).

As for naming, hubby almost named our first angel, but I couldn't. I can't with these 2 either, they will all just forever be my angel babies.

Hugs your way!!!

[Butterfly Spirit]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I just can't imagine! :broken:

[HopingForPigtails]

I'm so so sorry about your loss. Like PP said- it hurts no matter when the loss occurs. Have you thought about supplementing with Progesterone in the 2WW?? I know it might be contrary to a sway- but it might help you carry the pregnancy?? Just a thought. Again...I'm so sorry for your loss.

[fresas]

Ladies that have experienced losses: I am so, so, so sorry. My heart stops and then breaks every time I hear about a loss. It always did before, but now so much more. I'm so sorry.

HopingForPigtails: I have been considering it. I'm not sure how to go about it and the doctor I sees say they don't typically prescribe progesterone unless a woman has had 3 or more miscarriages. That takes my breath away. I have a normal B6 intake, but I think I may need more progesterone from other sources. I'm looking into it.

[My Fabulous Children]

I'm so sorry xxx

[fresas]

It has been a rough week. So many things going on in our lives in addition to the miscarriage. It is still very overwhelming. I'm really hoping for some good news, really any good news, in our lives. I light candles for the baby every night. We are taking an hour at a time still.

[I Love Ladybugs]

A loss is a loss is a loss.....I wish for a world where m/c does not exist. ((hugs))

[Jojogirl]

Hugs! I had 3 losses last year. My last being at 18 weeks. I too have PCOS but let me tell you, I have 4 children no problem. All in a row. Then last year I experienced my first miscarriage and then it just snowballed into more. So I guess what I'm saying is nothing is ever certain. I also have a major progesterone deficiency and I take supplementation in my luteal phase. I also found out I am hypothyroid so I'm on medication for that too!

hang in there, it gets better. Time helps.

[fresas]

Oh my gosh, what tragedy. I am so, so sorry. :(

[KnockYourBallsOff]

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. Please don't be crippled by fear. Don't let it win. Praying for you!

[fresas]

A friend of mine just told me she is due November 9, which is 2 days after I was supposed to be due. She is ecstatic and cannot stop talking about it.

I am happy for her, but I feel she is being kind of insensitive by constantly telling me how she is craving this, gaining weight, sore boobs, etc, etc. She knows I was due around the same time, too. I blocked her on my FB page and am keeping my distance. I think while she should not hide her excitement (it is her first), she should stop giving me play by plays. There are other people she can talk to like this. It feels like she is punching me in the ribs every time she does this.

[rainbowflower]

oh, that's sad that she is flaunting it like that.. perhaps tell her? I think often those who have never experienced a loss don't "get" it, don't understand that even though the baby was only with us for a while we already had dreams and hopes and had imagined our lives adjusting to fit them in. I'm sure if she knew how it felt she would be more sensitive. Could someone have a word with her on your behalf?

[indigoviolet]

That is so insensitive of her. Sometimes people just get caught up in their own happiness and just don't think. I had a close friend who was due almost the same day as me (I lost my first at 12 weeks) and it was really hard seeing her and watching her pg progressing. It was a really hard time but I got through it and you will too. It will happen for you again and you will be wonderfully blessed ((hugs))

[fresas]

Thank you, ladies. She actually had a loss herself so I'm not sure where all this is coming from (maybe I put on too good of a happy face), but I talked to her and she understood.

However, another friend of mine just told me she is due in December and I couldn't help feeling a little bit jealous again.

[Butterfly Spirit]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I just can't imagine! :broken:

Fresas, I said this in March, and now here I am in your shoes, and lost my baby at the exact same time. It's just HORRiBLE! I want my baby back! :'(
I'm so sad, and angry, and I feel so lost.
Could I ask you about your experience here or pm you? How long did it take to get your hcg down, when did you and DH baby dance again, when did you get your + OPK and AF?
Again, you can answer here or in pm. I'd really appreciate it! Thank you.

[fresas]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. It hurts so much. :( All of your feelings are totally normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I still cry. I don't cry as much, but I still do. I think it's just how I have to grieve and let out my emotion. Everyone processes things differently, but my best advice is give yourself time and as much patience as you can to grieve.

My hCG dropped pretty quickly. We had a weird moment where it rose on the 3rd blood draw and they were concerned it was ectopic, but the ultrasound showed it wasn't. I think I had a total of 7 blood draws, but the hCG was zero by the 6th blood draw...so that was roughly 2 weeks in total, but the hCG was zero by about 1.5 weeks later.

I decided not to do OPK that cycle, but I ovulated about 13 days after I miscarried. I had a temperature shift, discharge, and everything. I didn't check my CP that cycle either, but all other symptoms indicated ovulation. My luteal phase was longer, but I had a period about 32 days after the miscarriage.

We DTD about 3 weeks after the miscarriage. We were definitely trying to avoid conceiving. The first time we DTD after the miscarriage, I cried and my husband was really sad. It wasn't terrible sex, but our minds were just not in the moment and our hearts were still heavy, if that makes sense.

[fresas]

DH just burst out crying two nights ago pretty randomly. He said he missed the baby.

We found out yesterday 3 of our friends (due just a few weeks after us) are all having healthy girls.

Dealing with this has become easier, but there are moments and days that are just brutal.

[BeadinMom]

Fresas, I am so incredibly sorry...keeping you and your dear husband in my thoughts and prayers...♥

[lisvna]

I'm so sorry....hugs!

[pink carol]

I'm sorry for you, Fresas. I'm still in bereavement from a stillbirth I suffered last July, and I also miss my little angel. Don't be afraid to sway and try again. I don't know how to deal with PCOS but I'm sure you should be ok next time. I feel that trying again won't replace the beloved little angel but will make the pain go away. At least me, I need to focus on life after all the heartbreak. Be strong.

[fresas]

I can't imagine going through a stillbirth. I'm so sorry. Thank you for your kind words, though. It means a lot to me.

[fresas]

Tomorrow 11-07-12 was supposed to be my due date. I'm having a sad week. :(

[The Anchor]

I'm so sorry, my heart breaks for you. I lost bub last month at 12 weeks, it's SO hard. HUGS.

[fresas]

I'm so sorry. I have been really absent from the board lately (school is so busy) and haven't been able to keep up as much as I would like, but I can't imagine a 12 week loss. Thinking of you.

[mrs_danielle_riley]

So sorry for your loss, I just lost mine about a week ago @ 8 weeks PG. I know it is hard to deal with, stay strong.

[The Anchor]

So sorry Danielle, it's tough but it does get easier.

[fresas]

Mrs danielle: the ancor is right. It does get easier, but it still hurts. We don't give people enough time to grieve ever, but especially grieving the loss of something that most people can't see. Take your time.

[SophiaRose]

So sorry, m/c is devastating. So sorry for your loss xx

[Justjessica]

I was so sorry to hear that. Hope you are feeling a bit stronger now.

[jaindar343]

I really don't want to go through another miscarriage. It hurts physically and emotionally. I want to somehow maximize my fertility and health of eggs, sperm, and hormone levels.