How do you tell relatives about pregnancy when they aren't going to be supportive?

[Hobbermittens]

My parents think we are over-extended already (we are) and my in-laws (especially my MIL) were not very supportive of #3 and I know they won't be supportive of #4 at ALL. I am 11 weeks, and we haven't told anyone yet. I am dreading telling family because I KNOW they are going to be very disappointed (especially the in-laws).

When and how should we tell them? Part of me just wants to wait until the baby is born, but my in-laws will be visiting us in May, and I am already so big, there is no way we will be able to hide the pregnancy by then.

Have any of you had to tell relatives who were non supportive? How did you do it? How did things turn out?

[Hobbermittens]

anyone?

[TTC5]

My dh sent everyone an email and made it very clear we will not tolerate any negative unsupportive comments this time.

[Princess of Pink]

Facebook...lol

I like to avoid conflict hehehehehe

[Hobbermittens]

Yeah--I thought about FB. I just think my MIL will especially tear me a new one if I do that. She already leaves me stupid comments on there about anything regarding our kids. :sigh:

I think email might be the best way to go. Maybe I will wait until after the 20wk u/s and send a picture? How did your family respond to your email, TTC5?

[TTC5]

They don't deserve to know then ;)

[Princess of Pink]

Make a really creative card...like an announcement...and post it out to everyone you don't expect to hear good things from. I did that with DD#5....but I hid my pregnancy until 20 weeks when I got my amnio results and announced gender and name at the same time!

[Hobbermittens]

How did everyone react?

[Princess of Pink]

So much better! I wasn't there for the initial rude comments and I think most people realised that they were not welcome if I had hid it for so long and not told them personally. And it avoided the comments from my own mother that I got with #3 and #4 that I was able to have an abortion, pregnancy didn't mean you had to keep it. :hair:

[Hobbermittens]

Wow, your mom said that? I'm sorry!

I wish I could hide it until 20 weeks, but I have already been asked once in the grocery store (I lied and said I was just fat) and I have caught a lot of people looking at my belly. I know I look way farther along than I am (I look about 6 months preg and I am only 11 weeks). Good thing family all lives out of state so I don't have to see any of them right now.

[TTC5]

Thats awful POP :(

[Princess of Pink]

She told me last year that she was wrong...that having 5 children was a great thing and she takes it back...that I was right and she wouldn't want to change it for the world. Nice to hear but I will still be telling her via internet or mail lol

[Mochagirl]

I dreaded telling my family. We're overextended too, and I just knew they'd judge. I never got a chance to tell them with my last pregnancy because I had my m/c a week before I was planning to break the news. With my permission, my mom told them about the m/c, and that's the first they heard about the pregnancy. Because of how they found out the news, of course I didn't get any negative comments. It made it easier to break the news this time because it wasn't a surprise. I sent them a pic from my 12 week scan and made sure to defend why we're having another in that email (they know I want a girl, but I also said we waNted an even number of kids, which is true). Basically my email made it clear that we're happy and no one should try to challenge that.

I think in your situation I'd definitely use email too, announce it as happily as possible and leave no room for them to criticize.

[Cinss]

Maybe it can be up to you to let your side of the family know, and leave it up to your DH to tell his side? If there is any negative comment from someone i would say "what is your problem with me living my life the way i choose to?".

[bubbaboo]

Hi Hobbermittens - this bugs me - I hate it that people think that they have right to put two bobs worth in. I am hearing you on this one. If we are so lucky to be able to have another one then yes we will be dreading telling parents and in-laws and relatives and some friends. It really makes it hard knowing that out of this beautiful joy and miracle of life that there would be people that would be dissappointed. We have considered telling them oops it was an "accident" baby that was just meant to be. You could try that .......OOPS! We are pregnant but HOORAY!!!!

Good luck and don't let anyone rain on your parade. This is your life and you and your husband are big enough to be able to deal with your own decisions (tell em)! It sounds like the family are out of state anyway so they don't have to worry about looking after them (as is the situation with us)!!!!!

Keep smiling and enjoy your pregnancy.

[atomic sagebrush]

I've told people VERY late in pg (5 and 7 months) when I didn't think they'd be supportive. Did it in Christmas cards both times (so I'm thinking Mother's Day or something like that!). I have found that even in good circumstances certain people think it's odd or even morally wrong to have more than 1 kid and there's no pleasing them anyway. I never made any secret about my desire for a big family, I guess people were hoping I'd change my mind! :)

[atomic sagebrush]

She told me last year that she was wrong...that having 5 children was a great thing and she takes it back...that I was right and she wouldn't want to change it for the world. Nice to hear but I will still be telling her via internet or mail lol

Good point and I have had one of my most vocal critics recant and tell me what a great job I did (my older sons are very nice boys so I get away with a lot more now than when I was 20 LOL) She never came right out and said she was wrong, but near enough for me!

Still tho, I'm really sorry your mom said that. :(

[atomic sagebrush]

Make a really creative card...like an announcement...and post it out to everyone you don't expect to hear good things from. I did that with DD#5....but I hid my pregnancy until 20 weeks when I got my amnio results and announced gender and name at the same time!

That is EXACTLY what I would do if I had a 5th. No one would ever know UNTIL I know gender.

[atomic sagebrush]

You know what annoys me the most about this, is that people don't take any consideration into the fact that you have a limited amount of time to even HAVE babies. So yeah, you may be a little overextended for a few years there but at the same time, what are we supposed to do, postpone it until we're independently wealthy which will never happen and then just hope and pray we can still get pg then?? And then if you do wait till you're older, there are no guarantees that you'll be any better off financially anyway - we waited for 13 years trying to get in a better place financially to have more and I was REALLY lucky that I was able to get pg at all, let alone as easily as I did.

[Flava]

Yeah just send email to all and tell them no negative comments are welcome. It's easier to write then talk anyway.
In this Im lucky because everyone is really faraway from us so we can't even talk to them in person and they don't know that Im pregnant even if I have a big tummy lol.
But we do have to tell them in one point and I know they are waiting for a boy :sigh: DH has no brothers and so the inlaws sure would love a grandson.
Im sure I just let DH tell them so i don't have to lol.

[Hobbermittens]

Thanks for all the responses! I appreciate the ideas and experiences. I had already planned to tell them all it was an "oops"--no WAY they will ever know this baby was planned!! When I first started swaying, my MIL saw that I "liked" Fertility Friend on FB and made a really rude comment about it ("PLEASE tell me you aren't planning #4???????"), so at that time I knew we were in for it. I lied and said I was using FF to track cycles and prevent pregnancy, so at least I can say we were trying to prevent when we had our "oops".

I know my parents will soften to the idea, and they will love the new grandchild. I know their only resistance will to the idea will be out of concern for us financially. My MIL is another story. She STILL makes comments about #3, who is going to be 2 years old next week! It is really weird too, because she is from a family of 5, so you think she would understand large families. But they grew up kind of poor, and in turn she chose to only have one child herself, so I think she probably expected DH to have a smaller family too.

But Atomic, your point is so right on--we only have a limited amount of time to make our families! I honestly would have waited a few years for this baby if I could have until our finances were better, but I am 39, so I was out of time!

[purplepoet20]

Lately I am pissed at DH aunts and uncles for something not related to having kids but it sort of is. With DS1 everyone gave him $100 for each Christmas, Birthday, and even Baptism. We were excited about all the money but we put it all in his college fund, he had $800 in just 6mths. When everyone found out about #2 they started to only give them each $25 for only Christmas and Birthday. But this last Christmas and both boy's Birthdays they got nothing not even a card. When we went to see my BIL to drop some stuff off for my neice they mentioned how they love getting the $100 4x's a year from those family members because it pays for her clothing. They make more money then us but it seems like everyone gives them more because they only have 1 kid.

So far I have told my bro, sis, dad, my IL's, and a few friends. I have been trying to upload the u/s pic to FB and I am going to use it as a profile pic but not say anything about it. Everyone else can find out with word of mouth or whatever. At this point I don't care what anyone thinks about us, they can jump off a cliff. They can say what they want about me but to treat my kids that way just because we have more then one makes me not care about them.

[Flava]

Oh purple that is just so wrong!I find it even more rude because they use to give ans stoped. I really don't know how it feels to get stuff? We never got nothing .No baby shower, no big presents , no money , really nothing!
I know SIL kids got way more them my girls .Really my girls have nothing from family (a coloring book for BD and that's it really , sometimes just a card!)

[purplepoet20]

Oh purple that is just so wrong!I find it even more rude because they use to give ans stoped. I really don't know how it feels to get stuff? We never got nothing .No baby shower, no big presents , no money , really nothing!
I know SIL kids got way more them my girls .Really my girls have nothing from family (a coloring book for BD and that's it really , sometimes just a card!)

I don't let it get to me. I just know one day my kids are going to find out and it will hurt their feelings. I would just love them to get a card because I never once got cards from anyone when I was little (even parents). I like cards. But to hear that they give money to my neice and also DH cousins daughter makes me feel like they don't care about us. I never had a baby shower either, but a small lunch with MIL and 2 of her friends. The 2 friends always give tons of gifts and gift cards to the boys. We call them both Auntie.

[Bumblebee]

I don't want to tell relatives because they'll start the whispering and snide comments, its almost like I'll be failure if I can't produce a boy and they can. I'm thinking I'll mention I'm having a girl this time when I announce my pregnancy than put up with the staring and guessing and "oh I hope its a boy this time or you're definitely having a boy this time!!" comments even though they wish I don't have one. Just say it to their face and get it over and done with. No its not a boy so eff off and don't make me feel like a girl will be less valued in its place.

[HappyLea]

Oh im in the same situation!!! I know my in-laws will not be happy! My parents and close family know already and are happy for us, mum says its our choice and is happy for us. I know this will not be the same for DH parents.

Before making our decision to #4 we sat down and made sure we were financially able to have another bambino and we are so we decided to go for it. DH would never have agreed unless he was sure we were ok financially. My boys we have now are great/well behaved and go to bed and 7pm and sleep through and we get such lovely comments about them and i know we can cope with another one.

The in-laws tho seem to think they have a say in our lives (same with DH sister also) his dad makes comments about us having 2 dogs and a cat like we are wasting money. Also my fish died so had nearly empty tank so i got a few new fish and guess what silly comments about that too....WTF??!! Its our money we are not in debt and we save a healthy ammount each month but as we dont speak to them about money, they dont know that. But why should we tell them?? We have 2 family cars, 1 is a 7 seater so why not??!!

The in-laws have alot of money and put money away for the boys each month into savings for them, we have not asked them to do this but are very grateful but as they do this is like they should have a say on how many we have? Its like they had 2 kids and we should only have 2. When we told them we were pregnant with DS1 his dad was not happy then but when he was here he loved him to bits, he loves all the boys now but i know he will not be happy to hear we are expecting #4 and i am not looking forward to telling them.

Im dreading it but it will have to be done, and we will have to tell them soon as my dad accidently told his brother and it been passed on abit into the extended family and i wouldnt want them to hear it from anyone else, who aren't aware that they dont know. They have 2 houses one in Hampshire and they bought one next door to us in Lancashire as they couldnt be apart from the boys all the time. They are back in Lancashire at the weekend to spend easter here so we going to have to pluck up the courage to tell them.

i will update you on the outcome of that as soon as we have done it....eeeek!

[LolaInLove]

I am sorry you all have various shitty family members who are not supportive.....I don't think my parents are keen on me having another one because they know we don't have a ton of money. I was telling my mom about the possible IVF in Czech plans, and she says, "Well, you need to just concentrate on the two girls you have already for now." And you know what, they haven't been to see me/us in over 2 years, so I don't really care that much about telling them about my plans or even when we do get pregnant.

I really like Atomic's idea (and now method!) of just waiting until ultrasound, or just later on, whenever you feel like it. I also like the card/email so there can be no retort to your face. Everyone here is right on, though, it's your life, and if your family is not supportive, then they don't deserve to get much of your consideration with it. I even thought of just letting my parents find out AFTER the baby is born because they don't live anywhere near me and never call or visit, so you know, I'm not dying for their approval or anything. My DH's parents, on the other hand, would probably give us the money to go have IVF if they could because they have no natural grandkids yet. So, they will get a call right away.

So, Hobbs, I say go for whatever makes you feel most comfortable and self-protective, if you know what I mean.

[Hobbermittens]

Yeah, I am planning on sending out a picture of the 20 wk u/s. My only concern is that I will have to tell people locally because they will be able to tell by then, and I really hope no one blurts anything out on facebook where my parents/inlaws will see...

[Princess of Pink]

Block your inlays from seeing posts made by other people on Facebook...I do that lol

[Twins6boysinall]

My in laws are super not supportive. When I had my miscarriage before my twins my mother in law said "its for the best it would have been a boy anyway."
With our last we waited till I was 4 or 5 months because we just didn't want to hear the bs.
My family doesn't say anything to my face. I'm sure they are all hoping we have a girl so we don't have anymore kids. Lol. But the way I look at it is it's my life my body and my family and I take good care of my boys. So they can kiss my rump.

[Hobbermittens]

Block your inlays from seeing posts made by other people on Facebook...I do that lol

How do I do that?

[Hobbermittens]

Block your inlays from seeing posts made by other people on Facebook...I do that lol

How do I do that?