Heavy Expectations

[auroara78]

My gender scan is 3 weeks away, and I cannot wait to find out, but yet I am really, really afraid too to find out.

The problem mostly is expectations. My parents only have 1 granddaughter, and they have 12 grandsons.

My mom is expecting a girl this time. She was really aganist mine trying because my DH and I are not finanically in shape as much as she and my Dad would like us to be. She wanted us to wait, but I coudn't wait, so we rushed into this pregnancy, and now everytime we talk (2-4 times a week) she gives me the whole "I really, really hope it's your girl" speech. She has told me before that she'll celebrate a girl, and just accept another boy.

My oldest sister is very competive and has the only girl around. She LOVES this fact, and mentions how my other sister failed to produce a daughter, and I really, really believe she wants me to 'fail' at the task as well, because she loves having the only daughter around....I guess it makes her feel special.

My brother, who is really chill, and does not really care about these kind of things much, even told me how cool he thinks it'd be for me to have a girl so that the girls in the family are book ends (Katie is the oldest.)

Everyone else has a comment too. Many people at my work say "oh you already have two boys, you'll have another boy for sure." (These comments make me want to see red! They are so stupid!)

Then the other comments that make me upset are the well-meaning ones: "Oh this has just got to be your GIRL THIS TIME!" It makes me feel like they value my boys as being worthless, and that I am just pregnant again to try for a girl (which I am...but it bothers the proud boy mom in me!)

I have wanted a daughter (or many girls) since I was a young girl myself. BUT these expecations are just making my desire much stronger and fueling something in me that I do not like.

Some days I feel I just want a girl to SHUT up all the naysayers and say I DID IT! I could have a girl and none of you believed that it could happen! I feel like if I hear girl, she will be so celebrated and beloved in my family because of how rare of an occurance that is. And this is very wrong to say, but I would feel good to knock my sister off her only girl podium. (I know, I know...very bad thought!)

Does anyone else want to pull their hair out too? Gender desire to me is so complicated and so twisted it's hard to unravel it all.

But bottom line: I'll feel like a failure and why did I even bother if I hear boy. Although I KNOW I will love him soooo much. I would never ever trade my two boys for anything, and if I hear boy again, he is already loved. It will just be a matter of taking it all in.

Sorry for the long rant, but wanted to air it someplace :0

[coocoobananas]

I go over similar thoughts daily with myself! I often wonder if half the reason I am trying to do this is because strangers are always going to point out to me what is missing! I am so terrified to actually conceive not only because I would like it to be a girl but because I will be so sick! It has been a long time to try and convince myself that I can go through 9 months of miserable nausea!
I get how both the rooting for you and people saying you couldn't possibly is so confusing!!
My sister used to say "oh you won't have to deal with this or that because you have boys" and we ended up talking about how that even affected me! So now she's more sensitive about that stuff around me... Although that bugs me too! I just want to be ok with it either way so peoples comments dont bother me nor do they have to walk on eggshells around me!
You're right it is very complicated! We all know you will love that boy but I do so hope you get to stick your tongue out at your sister;)

[ynwa]

I know how you feel i have a very smug sil we just loves to rub gender in my face,we had our babies 20 days apart,I had ds she had dd?mil clearly treats the 2 babies different,even dh can see it,she is full of gender comments,and what gets me the most is sil never has her dd she gets palmed off daily,I am worried about ttc as next baby will 100% be my last,I would not be unhappy with a 3rd ds but would be gutted I would never have a dd,I am not sure if I should even try again as it would only be to get a dd,I already have spells of low mood and worry what a ds would do to my mental state:.(

[begonia]

Awww, Auroara, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this!! I really wanted a boy for my own reasons but also, I would have LOVED to be able to say "it's a boy" to all the people who say after 2 of a kind you won't get an opposite. And 3 friends of mine all were having boys after 2 girls, and that totally sucked to be the odd gal out having DD3. Oh and on the family thing ... 12 great grand-kids ... 11 are girls. ELEVEN! Sheesh! It would have been nice to add another boy. And we've got the whole last-name thing now, since DH was his dad's only son and we didn't have any boys ... sigh. Luckily my IL's are totally awesome and were just thrilled to have another grandbaby, regardless of gender.

But me, I felt like a failure, just like you said...especially since this time I "tried" SO HARD to have a DS. And that was an additional issue that I had to deal with on top of not getting "my boy" ...I was sad not to have a son, but also really felt incompetent for not somehow "controlling" the variables better. I really, REALLY had to work hard on reminding myself that there is NO controlling this. That's both the beauty and the beast of it, I think. Beautiful because you get what you get, and you LOVE them, but beast because it's not necessarily what you want. It's kind of amazing (and awful) how many layers GD has!!

I am SO SORRY your mom keeps bringing it up, and that you have a sis who gloats about her providing the only girl. At least we as mom's will now be sensitive to this GD business if our kids (God forbid) have to go through it.

Anyhow all that to say I feel ya, you know we all do and that's the blessing of this place. You're not alone and your feelings are normal. And what a virtual party we will have if you get to say "it's a girl!!!" I would love it :) Heaven knows I could send you truckloads of clothes :rofl: Like many of us with GD I console myself through shopping!

[2 lil pinks]

Just want to let you know your feeling are so normal and you are not alone and yes it is SOO complicated. It's awful to sometimes feel like you have to hide your feelings and not talk openly with family, but maybe it would be better if you told your mom how you were feeling? I only suggest b/c i was in situation where my older sis has a dd & ds, ages 14/12. I have 2 dd's & I'm due in Sept w/#3 (don't know gender yet) They are in HORRID financial shape as her husband has been out of work almost 2 years, they fight constantly, talked divorce, etc.. well you guessed it, surprise! She got pregnant again b/c they always regretted not having a 3rd.

It was difficult enough seeing the stress that it put on my parents, worrying about them, $$, etc, and I was very hurt b/c we're supposidly so close and she didn't even tell me-(her husband did-whole diff long story) So I kinda pulled back a lil, needing just some time. To make it all worse, literally as soon as we got pg w/#3 I felt the same as you..OMG what if it is DD3... Fast forward, sis has baby...BOY, and MY MOTHER says "Well I hope you don't hold it against her now since she got a boy, which you so desperatley want, you know they are going through a hard time"..... I LOST it, and the flood gates of my mouth opened! I told her and my sister how much that hurt and all the things I am feeling and my fears for fealing like a failure to produce a son, the nasty comments I am sick of, etc. You know what? It helped alot, not only to get it out, but so that she knew my feelings and admitted she was sorry b/c she doesn't know how I am feeling as her & my dad had gbgb.

It takes the fun out of announcing when you get the gender comments, but just do what I do and remember that unfortunately for all the wonderful people, there are also alot of people who can be jerks, they just don't get it and never will.. I'm SURE if I have DD3 I will temporarily also feel gutted about no son, but "this too shall pass" and I'm so blessed in life, I really need not complain. And the moment you hold that sweet babester boy or girl you will know they were meant to be a part of your family and bring you such joy, that the comments recieved will pail in comparison to the awesomeness the higher power has planned for our families of *maybe* 3 boys or 3 girls!

[Cinss]

Everything you said makes sence. And your feelings are normal. We are so lucky to have this forum where we can share our hopes, dreams and fears, and there are many ladies here who understand. Best of luck at your scan, being pregnant is such a blessing.

[auroara78]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and stories....Yes, I think letting it out in the forum really helped, I try to be so cheerful all the time, in RL and on here, because I do believe in positivity and trying to show it, but sometimes a girl has to let go and just let it out....

I've tried telling my Mom how I feel, but she's the kind of person that turns it around on herself. So, instead of saying "sorry" she'll feel that I'm now attacking her, and that I'm being unfair to her. So, typically, I just try to just let talk and not to take it too seriously. She told me the other day that she *feels* this is a girl, and she's so exicited for me....I just know if it's another boy, she would think that we should have waited for sure.

Upside: I know I will love this baby with all my heart and soul. I always wanted 3 kids, so this is still a part of my *master* plan. I looked at pictures yesterday of Quinten and Evan as newborns and my heart just melted. And I felt if this is what I get to take home again, a precious little bundle in blue, then I will very lucky.

I just got to remember that.

[begonia]

Auroara I just read your last post and had to tell you that I actually took pictures of my girls as newborns with me to my ultrasound, so that if I heard "girl" again, I could look at them and remember that there was NOTHING I would change about either of them. It really helped me in that moment. I still remember going back to my car and taking them out of my purse and even though I was crying, looking at the pictures reminded me of how much good there was in my life because of those two girls ... and I always, always wanted boys. You love what you get, even if you don't get what you want :) You get that I know, and you're going to be a-ok if this is another boy. But you know what?!?! You don't even KNOW yet!!! This could TOTALLY be your little girl. Chin up buttercup!

And apparently our moms are emotional twins, LOL :rofl: Anytime I try to explain to my mom how she hurt MY feelings, it ends up being about HER. So annoying. We're not very close and that's one of many reasons!

[begonia]

And the moment you hold that sweet babester boy or girl you will know they were meant to be a part of your family and bring you such joy, that the comments recieved will pail in comparison to the awesomeness the higher power has planned for our families of *maybe* 3 boys or 3 girls!

So true! :)