begonia
April 14th, 2012, 05:09 PM
She wasn't writing about GD at all. They had been trying to adopt for YEARS (she has 3 bio kids) and it finally fell completely out, and isn't going to happen. But sometimes I read things and apply to my GD because it's all about ME, right? :rofl: One of the hardest things for me has been that I have NO control over this part of my life though, this fertility thing ... you can't pick WHO or WHEN or even IF you get to have a child, whether you go natural or high-tech, a lot of it is just left to fate. This is from the blog Momastery.com:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking last night about how we really don’t have control over much at all. How even when we try to follow our dreams and do the good we want to see in the world, things likely won’t end up as we planned. Strange. We can’t even choose who we are going to LOVE. People leave or die or never come at all. Dreams are dashed with the signature of a stranger. Our eager, earnest hearts plan to love the world in some big way- like create a marriage or foundation or raise a child or be a friend and those honorable and right things just fall apart, slip through our hands like sand.
I want a little control. Is this too much to ask? Just a teeny tiny bit. Enough to make a plan and sort of believe in it. But nope, no way. Not the way it works. Like St. Anne says, if you want to hear God laugh, tell her your plans.
But I woke up this morning thinking- No, that’s not totally right.
I do have control over one thing. One thing is ALWAYS my choice. I might not be permitted to choose who or what or how I am going to love this world. But those are not the questions. The question is WILL I LOVE? Yes or No are the only possible answers. Without buts or only ifs.
There is really only one question in this ridiculous life. Will you love or will you not? Will you love THIS place, THIS plan, THIS jacked up situation, THIS wretched person, THIS part of your life that was never, ever in your plan?
Will you love this life, this one that’s been put before you? We can choose to love. That is our only real power, I think. But Love is never the safest choice. Because we have to follow where she leads, and her path is twisty and turny and narrow and branches jump out from nowhere to try to knock us unconscious and the path is dirty and rocky and that Love, she rarely leads us where we hoped she would. Do we ever even get to the end of her path? Do we get to see where she’s leading us? Not sure.
Yesterday, upon hearing the Rwandan news, I said “NO THANK YOU, LOVE. Let me off the train, STUPID LOVE. I don’t know where you’re going but my family and I are getting off at this stop. Buh-Bye. You suck, honestly, Love. Shame on you, for hurting such nice-ish people. Meltons- OUT.”
Then I stayed in bed and watched HGTV for hours and wondered why no one will make over MY ROOM and then I slept more and only woke up to eat SUGAR and CAFFEINE and GLUTEN and everything else I’m not allowed to eat. Then I slept more. Then I watched Bridesmaids. LOVED. It was a glorious day, really. “Oh, HELL no, Love,” is a perfectly fine and good answer sometimes.
But this morning, I think I’m done with No. Today, I say Yes. I will love. Without buts or only ifs. If it’s the only choice I can really make in this ridiculous little life, I’d like to choose yes as often as possible. Not always, but quite often.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking last night about how we really don’t have control over much at all. How even when we try to follow our dreams and do the good we want to see in the world, things likely won’t end up as we planned. Strange. We can’t even choose who we are going to LOVE. People leave or die or never come at all. Dreams are dashed with the signature of a stranger. Our eager, earnest hearts plan to love the world in some big way- like create a marriage or foundation or raise a child or be a friend and those honorable and right things just fall apart, slip through our hands like sand.
I want a little control. Is this too much to ask? Just a teeny tiny bit. Enough to make a plan and sort of believe in it. But nope, no way. Not the way it works. Like St. Anne says, if you want to hear God laugh, tell her your plans.
But I woke up this morning thinking- No, that’s not totally right.
I do have control over one thing. One thing is ALWAYS my choice. I might not be permitted to choose who or what or how I am going to love this world. But those are not the questions. The question is WILL I LOVE? Yes or No are the only possible answers. Without buts or only ifs.
There is really only one question in this ridiculous life. Will you love or will you not? Will you love THIS place, THIS plan, THIS jacked up situation, THIS wretched person, THIS part of your life that was never, ever in your plan?
Will you love this life, this one that’s been put before you? We can choose to love. That is our only real power, I think. But Love is never the safest choice. Because we have to follow where she leads, and her path is twisty and turny and narrow and branches jump out from nowhere to try to knock us unconscious and the path is dirty and rocky and that Love, she rarely leads us where we hoped she would. Do we ever even get to the end of her path? Do we get to see where she’s leading us? Not sure.
Yesterday, upon hearing the Rwandan news, I said “NO THANK YOU, LOVE. Let me off the train, STUPID LOVE. I don’t know where you’re going but my family and I are getting off at this stop. Buh-Bye. You suck, honestly, Love. Shame on you, for hurting such nice-ish people. Meltons- OUT.”
Then I stayed in bed and watched HGTV for hours and wondered why no one will make over MY ROOM and then I slept more and only woke up to eat SUGAR and CAFFEINE and GLUTEN and everything else I’m not allowed to eat. Then I slept more. Then I watched Bridesmaids. LOVED. It was a glorious day, really. “Oh, HELL no, Love,” is a perfectly fine and good answer sometimes.
But this morning, I think I’m done with No. Today, I say Yes. I will love. Without buts or only ifs. If it’s the only choice I can really make in this ridiculous little life, I’d like to choose yes as often as possible. Not always, but quite often.