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  1. #11
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    Ok, a little update: blood draw result from yesterday: hcg value is 2577, which corresponds to a pregnancy of 5-7 weeks. That would be correct (counted from ovulation). I hope it keeps going like this...thanks!
    Mom of angel Liv (stillborn at 30w on 06/25/2016)

    TTC rainbow baby
    Failed sway, due September 2017

  2. #12
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    Thank you sweetie! And those are fantastic numbers. As atomic said, the lines don't have to get darker. As I've learned the hard way now, you can even get dark lines with a chemical :/ And I was a POAS addict when I first conceived my DD -- literally peed on sticks for TWO more weeks after until my husband cut me off, haha. Those lines varied in darkness constantly -- explanation? Concentration! We're not all drinking the same amount every day, or peeing exactly at the same times the day and night before we test the next morning.

    I understand if you feel the need to belabor the issue because it sometimes helps to hear that constant reassurance in uncontrollable times like this. You have great numbers, you're getting nausea, and you're already at the 5-7 weeks range. Take heart because things look good!!

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  4. #13
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    Ooh that's so sweet, you're kind words make me get an instant smile on my face

    You and Atomic were totally right, the lines don't say anything. It's horrible how much you can stress out about something you just can't control. That's maybe the reason why we're more stressed out...I know it has a lot to do with concentration but I never thought that it would make such a difference.

    Let's hope we can see something on an US next week. And after that I can stress out about the gender

    Just a personal question for you TP: why did you want a boy so much? I have the feeling that most of us are here for a girl. And I read somewhere else that you preferred a boy for your first child also?
    Mom of angel Liv (stillborn at 30w on 06/25/2016)

    TTC rainbow baby
    Failed sway, due September 2017

  5. #14
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    Cant answer for panther but coming from a mom of 4 daughters who wanted a boy every time and actively tried the last 2 times...

    I had two older brothers growing up, i was always closer to my father, and i had a ton of guy friends and very very few lady friends. every chick friend i end up leaving the friendship in some way or another because i get annoyed etc and so forth. Not to bash my own gender, in my experience i just find alot of other women tend to annoy me. i have at this point an awful relationship with my own mother, and i just dont like alot of the same things other women my age have liked growing up. I like alot of the typical 'guy' things and i have a sense of humor that matches more of a boy personality in my opinion.

    growing up i just always saw myself having boys if i ever had children. Man have i had a rude awakening Haha.
    Katelynn Marie (2005)
    Cyra Elizabeth (2010)
    Angela Victoria (2015)
    Alexandria Grace (2017)

    My heart is full and my family is complete, even if i never got my son.

  6. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burakoam View Post
    Cant answer for panther but coming from a mom of 4 daughters who wanted a boy every time and actively tried the last 2 times...

    I had two older brothers growing up, i was always closer to my father, and i had a ton of guy friends and very very few lady friends. every chick friend i end up leaving the friendship in some way or another because i get annoyed etc and so forth. Not to bash my own gender, in my experience i just find alot of other women tend to annoy me. i have at this point an awful relationship with my own mother, and i just dont like alot of the same things other women my age have liked growing up. I like alot of the typical 'guy' things and i have a sense of humor that matches more of a boy personality in my opinion.

    growing up i just always saw myself having boys if i ever had children. Man have i had a rude awakening Haha.
    Thanks for your honest answer I can relate to the fact that it's sometimes much easier having a guy friend than a chick friend; girls make things sooo much more complicated than guys do.
    I'm sorry that you don't have a good relationship with your mother, that's sad to hear.

    I'm also sorry that you didn't get your desired gender From what I see here it looks that certain women are really more set to have one specific gender, no matter how good they sway. I suppose you do love your girls with all of your heart? And that not having a son is more a question of missing someone you always imagined to be in your life? Would you try it again, a 5th child?

    For me, I always had a good relationship with my mother and my sister. We go shopping together a few times a year and even have the same clothing taste. Also, I looooove girl clothes, I find them so adorable! I already hoped before my first pregnancy that it would be a girl and now after losing her, my wish is almost an obsession now. Before Liv, I didn't sway, I just ate less salt (although that doesn't even sway according to Atomic) and I was really over the moon that I would have a girl. Now when I think of never having a girl, knowing that I 'should have had' my girl, I'm really heartbroken. So I'm crossing my fingers.
    And I wish you all the best with your girls. Maybe one of them is just like you, less into girl things?
    Mom of angel Liv (stillborn at 30w on 06/25/2016)

    TTC rainbow baby
    Failed sway, due September 2017

  7. #16
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    Oh i love them all, yes...Im really probably not very maternal if i was honest. Some of that is probably my relationship with my own...some of it is my previous two are from a very unhealthy relationship..im extremely maternal with my current youngest, most ive ever been. My oldest and i are close, she is the most like me. I struggle the most with DD2 who is actually alot like my own mother and extremely hard for me to deal with. She is also the anti-me in every way...extremely girly, loves dress up, princess stuff, tea parties etc so forth..she is also extremely sensitive. I have been known to describe myself in the past as a more sensitive individual but i mean she takes it to whole new extremes...

    DD3 is alot like her dad...who i am convinced i will be in love with the rest of my life he is just so amazing. So its really easy to love her i think because of that..and probably why i do so well with her than i ever have with any of my other children. I get along best i think with my 11 year old. I think as they all get older it will be easier...or so i hope lol.

    As for the rest...I dont know. I dont think i miss not having him in my life as i dont really know what im missing. I am mournful for my husband and so when there is sadness over the 'loss' of a son its more when i see life through his eyes i guess...he was very vocal about wanting another man in the family, a chance to do better than his father before him, talk about girls/women, guy things that no matter how close he and i are he just cant talk about with me the same way...i am sad picturing things i will never see happen...him holding his son, playing games with him, styling his hair, teaching him to shave, teaching him to drive..all of that stuff. But all from his shoes really not my own. So its weird for me i think...

    Aw shucks im a little teary eyed now. So yeah id say thats it.

    If hubby were open to a 5th id probably try again. But it would be with high tech, leaving nothing to chance. I do fear id spend the 20k+ on that however only to get eggs fertilized as XX...more of a testament that i can only conceive girls hence why i have all girls..i dont even know, hah. however Hubby is not open to a 5th even with high tech. He has seen my struggles this pregnancy and he fears another pregnancy would kill me and he says nothing is worth that.
    Katelynn Marie (2005)
    Cyra Elizabeth (2010)
    Angela Victoria (2015)
    Alexandria Grace (2017)

    My heart is full and my family is complete, even if i never got my son.

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  9. #17
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    I also really wanted a boy with my first and was happy for my second boy too. I felt that I got along much better with guys as a general rule. ON a deeper level (although I did not realize it at the time) I did not feel very comfortable in my own skin as a younger woman, I was a very homely child and always felt sort of unfeminine. Although I started to come out of my ugly duckling phase at some point by that time I had received the message that I was not good at "girl stuff". I don't think I felt that I had much to offer a little girl. It was only over the course of a long time and maturity that I became more comfortable with the idea of having a daughter. If anything I would have had far worse GD if I had never had a son.
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  10. #18
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    Sigrid maybe this is a daughter, maybe it is a son..but i really think you will end up alright either way. I can see why with losing 1 daughter and a good relationship with your mom and sister why you would have an incredibly strong need for a daughter. You wont ever be alone on this site for sure. I do think most studies would say with having one girl conception and if your lifestyle hasnt changed much on top of the still birth you may well be more inclined to girls anyhow..maybe you will have 2 or more even and be surrounded by girls and sisterly love. We just never know until we reach those moments. I wish you lots of love and joy this pregnancy, before i can even begin to wish that it may be another daughter for you. mostly i just hope this baby heals your heart and you are able to see liv in its tiny face and find the smallest shred of peace there.
    Katelynn Marie (2005)
    Cyra Elizabeth (2010)
    Angela Victoria (2015)
    Alexandria Grace (2017)

    My heart is full and my family is complete, even if i never got my son.

  11. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by sigrid86 View Post
    Ooh that's so sweet, you're kind words make me get an instant smile on my face

    You and Atomic were totally right, the lines don't say anything. It's horrible how much you can stress out about something you just can't control. That's maybe the reason why we're more stressed out...I know it has a lot to do with concentration but I never thought that it would make such a difference.

    Let's hope we can see something on an US next week. And after that I can stress out about the gender

    Just a personal question for you TP: why did you want a boy so much? I have the feeling that most of us are here for a girl. And I read somewhere else that you preferred a boy for your first child also?
    I haven't read the other responses yet, but my reasons are sort of heavy and complex, haha, but I've alluded to them elsewhere on here.

    First and foremost, I wanted a boy because I feared bringing a girl into the world. I have a long, tired road of sexual abuse in my past, including as a child, and I had a lot of anxieties stemming from that -- "I couldn't protect myself, so how I could protect a daughter?" sort of thoughts. I know firsthand what it's like to be paid less, have the law apply to me less, to have my mind and person valued less, to be treated as less than; to be objectified. Now, not wanting a daughter played into my feelings there -- am I hypocrite to so desperately not want a girl, therefore valuing a girl less? But I worked through a lot of those issues in therapy, and that's partially why I was anxious in the first place: having a girl forced me to process a lot of things I hadn't processed yet, including the root of my PTSD.

    Coupled with that came the flip side: I want to bring a boy into the world and raise him to be a power for good. Allies are important -- having a man grow up to value women as people, to view them as equal, to stand up against other men when they do the things they've done for millennia? Even on a micro level to just be a good person to any future partner (female or male)? That's heady, and that's something I feel a deep purpose to do.

    So those were the big ones: an interplay of anxiety, fear and power and all the sides that come with that. On a baser level, I wanted a boy for myself -- having had all those issues, and even the pain that's come from moments with my husband, I wanted a male that wouldn't hurt me like this. And I know a son can hurt me -- from the physical parts of labor to the reality of children hurting their parents with words or tantrums, I know it. But not sexually, not in a power move stemming from patriarchal superiority; I'd have a boy, and then a man (and ideally more than one) love me without also hurting me in those ways.

    And intertwined with that? I'm a ****** boy mom. Boys love me. Little boys have been glomping on to me since I was a 13 year old babysitter. I just have a way with boys (and granted, I do have a way with all children -- I taught for many years because of it). I always yearned for children because of this affinity for kids, but it was always missing the last bit of BEING an actual parent. I've had part of that fulfilled with my daughter, but my son would be the last piece.

    There's even more to all of it than this -- and sometimes, at my weakest, just the competitive/ambitious nature where I HAVE to have it all, and I won't rest until I'm satisfied (which is often never) -- but those were the ones definitely taking over my life during my pregnancy.

    ETA: I read Buro & atomic's responses, and I did have that element, too (so as you can see, I had a heavily stacked preference for a boy -- or all boys, honestly; I even thought, prior to my first pregnancy, that I'd be okay with a girl eventually, but if I had a boy first I would feel like I could relax and not care with whatever came next. Now, no pregnancy until I have my boy will ever be without anxiety). I felt really, really unlikable as a kid -- part of that stemmed from the abuse from my own family. I had lots of friends that were boys, too, though I've always had some form of female companionship and have really learned that the "girls are harder" or "I don't like girls" is much more an internalized misogyny than an actual issue with women; hell, having a kid period has made me feel much more pro-woman than ever before, haha.

    But anyway, outside of those digressions -- because I felt like a very ugly, unlikeable kid and had for a long time thought that's why I was abused for so long, I feared the same happening to my DD. I feared she'd be like me, and in turn have the same things happen to her. It's quite a twist of fate that she ended up being completely opposite of me -- this blue eyed beautiful baby who literally stops foot traffic and who looks nothing like me, haha. She's everything I'm not, and I feel like that was extra helpful in me getting over any GD that might have applied to her.

    If I get a son like me, I'd feel differently. Alot of my qualities are also not typically "feminine," outside of my body -- which is where I've gotten a lot of issues too. The women in my husband's family are more athletic, less traditionally feminine bodies, and I'm hoping my daughter doesn't have the same issues with larger breasts and an hourglass figure being a beacon to men as it has been for me. But my ambition, loudness, anger, intelligence -- even my sense of humor -- would all have been more successful in a man, I feel.
    Last edited by Throwaway_panther; January 6th, 2017 at 08:27 PM.

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  13. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Burakoam View Post
    Oh i love them all, yes...Im really probably not very maternal if i was honest. Some of that is probably my relationship with my own...some of it is my previous two are from a very unhealthy relationship..im extremely maternal with my current youngest, most ive ever been. My oldest and i are close, she is the most like me. I struggle the most with DD2 who is actually alot like my own mother and extremely hard for me to deal with. She is also the anti-me in every way...extremely girly, loves dress up, princess stuff, tea parties etc so forth..she is also extremely sensitive. I have been known to describe myself in the past as a more sensitive individual but i mean she takes it to whole new extremes...

    DD3 is alot like her dad...who i am convinced i will be in love with the rest of my life he is just so amazing. So its really easy to love her i think because of that..and probably why i do so well with her than i ever have with any of my other children. I get along best i think with my 11 year old. I think as they all get older it will be easier...or so i hope lol.

    As for the rest...I dont know. I dont think i miss not having him in my life as i dont really know what im missing. I am mournful for my husband and so when there is sadness over the 'loss' of a son its more when i see life through his eyes i guess...he was very vocal about wanting another man in the family, a chance to do better than his father before him, talk about girls/women, guy things that no matter how close he and i are he just cant talk about with me the same way...i am sad picturing things i will never see happen...him holding his son, playing games with him, styling his hair, teaching him to shave, teaching him to drive..all of that stuff. But all from his shoes really not my own. So its weird for me i think...

    Aw shucks im a little teary eyed now. So yeah id say thats it.

    If hubby were open to a 5th id probably try again. But it would be with high tech, leaving nothing to chance. I do fear id spend the 20k+ on that however only to get eggs fertilized as XX...more of a testament that i can only conceive girls hence why i have all girls..i dont even know, hah. however Hubby is not open to a 5th even with high tech. He has seen my struggles this pregnancy and he fears another pregnancy would kill me and he says nothing is worth that.
    I'm sure you love them! Lol, I love how you speak about DD2 I get an image of how she must be like. And I can imagine it's not easy if she's totally the opposite of you.
    I'm really glad you found a great man who you love, that's the most important thing!
    Do you feel that it's easier when your kids were little or when they reached their teens? I think 11 is still a great age; I would be more scared for 14-18 years old

    It's true that you don't know what you're missing right now, but I already get a bit jealous when I here people are having a girl and facebook pics of little girls. My feeling is so much different with boys. So for you, it's very much your husband who's sad about not having a son? Who knows your fourth will be a real tomboy although I know it's not the same ofcourse. My dad told me he would have liked me to be a boy (I'm the second and last girl) to go see football and play tennis with, but I did all those things with him so he was really glad for that. But ofcourse, I'm not a boy so it's always gonna be different, but in some way it can help if you see some things in your girl that you would like to see in your boy (if you know what I mean ).
    I would also get HT if it was the last chance. But ofcourse, it's so much money. Also that aspect, I find it sad that only people with a lot of money can afford having their preferred gender. I don't think that you would only get XX, that's almost impossible, isn't it? Are you struggling a lot this pregnancy? More than the others? And does he really mean it would kill you or is it meant as a matter of speech? Or do you have a risk being pregnant? Ofcourse nothing is worth putting you at risk. I think you're the only one who can decide if you're capable having another child.

    To answer your second message (which was so beautiful - thank you so much):
    I just hope I will be alright but I'm already afraid for every ultrasound we will get (once every 2 weeks now luckily). And now I'm also stressing about the gender. I'm hoping I will be like you and just get 2 daughters. I don't really know how I should be a boy mom.
    I see that I'm not alone on this site. It's so great and moving how people support you, just like that...so thank you so much, it really makes me feel better
    I changed my lifestyle even a bit more towards a 'girl lifestyle' (became vegetarian and quit breakfast) so I hope this does the trick. I also read in some thread here that feeling sad leans towards girls also, so that's also in my advantage. But you're right, we'll never know until we reach the moment what it will be. And even then we're just not sure if we could hold them in our arms unfortunately. It's something I hate now: you just can't control anything with a pregnancy and I hope I never have to feel so powerless as I did in May-June.
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm somewhat thinking it's maybe with Liv's help that I got pregnant now. It's almost the same conception date as last year (with a few days apart) so it will be very strange because everything will be different, yet it's a bit the same...
    I send you lots of love and a very healthy and smooth rest of your pregnancy
    Mom of angel Liv (stillborn at 30w on 06/25/2016)

    TTC rainbow baby
    Failed sway, due September 2017

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