BFP or will it end soon?

[sigrid86]

I also really wanted a boy with my first and was happy for my second boy too. I felt that I got along much better with guys as a general rule. ON a deeper level (although I did not realize it at the time) I did not feel very comfortable in my own skin as a younger woman, I was a very homely child and always felt sort of unfeminine. Although I started to come out of my ugly duckling phase at some point by that time I had received the message that I was not good at "girl stuff". I don't think I felt that I had much to offer a little girl. It was only over the course of a long time and maturity that I became more comfortable with the idea of having a daughter. If anything I would have had far worse GD if I had never had a son.

I just don't hear many friends saying they really want a boy. A also felt sort of unfeminine (I didn't have a handbag until I was 20y old ), I didn't dress up (even know I rather put on a hoodie), even now I hardly wear any make up and I always liked sports very much. Most of the girls were much more girly. But still, I would love to have a mini-me, if you know what I mean
But it's pretty clear that we want a certain gender mostly based on our relationship with our parents or how we felt when we were younger. So thank god you created this site and already helped so many people! I'm glad you share so much information and experience, it's really great, thanks!!!

[sigrid86]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but my reasons are sort of heavy and complex, haha, but I've alluded to them elsewhere on here.

First and foremost, I wanted a boy because I feared bringing a girl into the world. I have a long, tired road of sexual abuse in my past, including as a child, and I had a lot of anxieties stemming from that -- "I couldn't protect myself, so how I could protect a daughter?" sort of thoughts. I know firsthand what it's like to be paid less, have the law apply to me less, to have my mind and person valued less, to be treated as less than; to be objectified. Now, not wanting a daughter played into my feelings there -- am I hypocrite to so desperately not want a girl, therefore valuing a girl less? But I worked through a lot of those issues in therapy, and that's partially why I was anxious in the first place: having a girl forced me to process a lot of things I hadn't processed yet, including the root of my PTSD.

Coupled with that came the flip side: I want to bring a boy into the world and raise him to be a power for good. Allies are important -- having a man grow up to value women as people, to view them as equal, to stand up against other men when they do the things they've done for millennia? Even on a micro level to just be a good person to any future partner (female or male)? That's heady, and that's something I feel a deep purpose to do.

So those were the big ones: an interplay of anxiety, fear and power and all the sides that come with that. On a baser level, I wanted a boy for myself -- having had all those issues, and even the pain that's come from moments with my husband, I wanted a male that wouldn't hurt me like this. And I know a son can hurt me -- from the physical parts of labor to the reality of children hurting their parents with words or tantrums, I know it. But not sexually, not in a power move stemming from patriarchal superiority; I'd have a boy, and then a man (and ideally more than one) love me without also hurting me in those ways.

And intertwined with that? I'm a ****** boy mom. Boys love me. Little boys have been glomping on to me since I was a 13 year old babysitter. I just have a way with boys (and granted, I do have a way with all children -- I taught for many years because of it). I always yearned for children because of this affinity for kids, but it was always missing the last bit of BEING an actual parent. I've had part of that fulfilled with my daughter, but my son would be the last piece.

There's even more to all of it than this -- and sometimes, at my weakest, just the competitive/ambitious nature where I HAVE to have it all, and I won't rest until I'm satisfied (which is often never) -- but those were the ones definitely taking over my life during my pregnancy.

ETA: I read Buro & atomic's responses, and I did have that element, too (so as you can see, I had a heavily stacked preference for a boy -- or all boys, honestly; I even thought, prior to my first pregnancy, that I'd be okay with a girl eventually, but if I had a boy first I would feel like I could relax and not care with whatever came next. Now, no pregnancy until I have my boy will ever be without anxiety). I felt really, really unlikable as a kid -- part of that stemmed from the abuse from my own family. I had lots of friends that were boys, too, though I've always had some form of female companionship and have really learned that the "girls are harder" or "I don't like girls" is much more an internalized misogyny than an actual issue with women; hell, having a kid period has made me feel much more pro-woman than ever before, haha.

But anyway, outside of those digressions -- because I felt like a very ugly, unlikeable kid and had for a long time thought that's why I was abused for so long, I feared the same happening to my DD. I feared she'd be like me, and in turn have the same things happen to her. It's quite a twist of fate that she ended up being completely opposite of me -- this blue eyed beautiful baby who literally stops foot traffic and who looks nothing like me, haha. She's everything I'm not, and I feel like that was extra helpful in me getting over any GD that might have applied to her.

If I get a son like me, I'd feel differently. Alot of my qualities are also not typically "feminine," outside of my body -- which is where I've gotten a lot of issues too. The women in my husband's family are more athletic, less traditionally feminine bodies, and I'm hoping my daughter doesn't have the same issues with larger breasts and an hourglass figure being a beacon to men as it has been for me. But my ambition, loudness, anger, intelligence -- even my sense of humor -- would all have been more successful in a man, I feel.

Wow TP, that was not what I expected. I'm really sooo sorry that you had to go through such a horrible period. No one should ever go through this. I really can't imagine what it's like, but for me it seems to be one of the worst things that can happen in life. The fact that you're still standing and want to make the best of your life AND want to raise a good boy who values women the same as men, really shows your a strong powerful woman. I have so much respect for that, for you.
And now ofcourse I can see why you preferred a boy over a girl. But it's great that having a girl forced you to process a lot of things you hadn't processed yet, otherwise you would maybe still haven't processed them?
Sometimes when I look at the horrific stories of ISIS slaves for example, I'm also a bit afraid of having a girl. Because face it, even in this decade, women are still seen as 'less', but fortunately not where I live. But still...I think women are more vulnerable than men and I can imagine it's a terrifying thought when having a daughter. But it just can't be a reason of not wanting a girl...

I love that you say that you have such a great connection with little boys I'm sure your time will come. Just believe in it and do everything what it takes.
At that point I'm the same as you: I would never give up on having my girl. If this one's a boy, I would go HT. At least I hope it will still exist somewhere in Europe...even if that means I would have to take a loan with my parents. I just want to try everything. Also, we only want 2 children so I only had this chance with swaying. I'm very curious. Are you already swaying or not yet?
I also have the feeling that if I just have a girl now, I can be relax for the rest of my life. My next can be a boy, I wouldn't mind. It's just that I want 1 girl so badly...so I understand the anxiety very well. And now with everything that happened last year, even if it will be a girl, I won't feel 'calm' until I have her in my arms, alive and kicking.

I think it's normal that you felt 'unlikable' as a kid, given your situation. It's just so unfair that children need to go through that! But I'm glad you're more pro-woman now And of course it's normal that you fear the same would happen to your DD. Something so awful can't happen to anyone, especially your child, which you love most in the world. I'm glad that it helped you that you're DD is everything you're not (although that sounds weird to say ).
You never know if your child will look like you or not, but I'm sure there will be something of both you and your DH in your next (hopefully boy).

Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I'm crossing my fingers for you

[Throwaway_panther]

Wow TP, that was not what I expected. I'm really sooo sorry that you had to go through such a horrible period. No one should ever go through this. I really can't imagine what it's like, but for me it seems to be one of the worst things that can happen in life. The fact that you're still standing and want to make the best of your life AND want to raise a good boy who values women the same as men, really shows your a strong powerful woman. I have so much respect for that, for you.
And now ofcourse I can see why you preferred a boy over a girl. But it's great that having a girl forced you to process a lot of things you hadn't processed yet, otherwise you would maybe still haven't processed them?
Sometimes when I look at the horrific stories of ISIS slaves for example, I'm also a bit afraid of having a girl. Because face it, even in this decade, women are still seen as 'less', but fortunately not where I live. But still...I think women are more vulnerable than men and I can imagine it's a terrifying thought when having a daughter. But it just can't be a reason of not wanting a girl...

I love that you say that you have such a great connection with little boys I'm sure your time will come. Just believe in it and do everything what it takes.
At that point I'm the same as you: I would never give up on having my girl. If this one's a boy, I would go HT. At least I hope it will still exist somewhere in Europe...even if that means I would have to take a loan with my parents. I just want to try everything. Also, we only want 2 children so I only had this chance with swaying. I'm very curious. Are you already swaying or not yet?
I also have the feeling that if I just have a girl now, I can be relax for the rest of my life. My next can be a boy, I wouldn't mind. It's just that I want 1 girl so badly...so I understand the anxiety very well. And now with everything that happened last year, even if it will be a girl, I won't feel 'calm' until I have her in my arms, alive and kicking.

I think it's normal that you felt 'unlikable' as a kid, given your situation. It's just so unfair that children need to go through that! But I'm glad you're more pro-woman now And of course it's normal that you fear the same would happen to your DD. Something so awful can't happen to anyone, especially your child, which you love most in the world. I'm glad that it helped you that you're DD is everything you're not (although that sounds weird to say ).
You never know if your child will look like you or not, but I'm sure there will be something of both you and your DH in your next (hopefully boy).

Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I'm crossing my fingers for you

Thank you, I really appreciate the compliments and understanding! It's funny, because I went elsewhere online to share my wrestling of my DD's sex and my own history, and I had a lot of women tell me they had the same anxieties/fears but while pregnant with a boy. Having a boy after that trauma was scary for them because it had been men who had abused them. I fully understand how that trauma can affect both GDs, now, but also think it's interesting that -- yet again -- I seem in my own little bubble over here, haha.

I am "swaying," in that I follow the HE lifestyle. I followed a sort of moderate form starting almost exactly a year ago when I found this site and read everything -- studies, posts -- obsessively. After my DD's birth, I incorporated a little more of the HE lifestyle, and now I'd say I'm fully swaying outside of the actively TTC part (since I've now had two losses since her birth not actively trying, and it turns out my thyroid levels are messed up again). So I do minimal to no cardio, I keep lifting heavy weights, I eat breakfast every day, incorporate eggs, red meat, protein, full fat dairy into my life (when I didn't touch any of that pre-DD), I try to snack now; I don't bother with that personality stuff since I'm a pretty type A self-control freak who's perpetually ambitious and competitive... I think it's all diet based on that, haha.

I sure hope being sad doesn't sway TOO much though, haha -- I can't lie. This last loss hit me harder than even the first one, and my DH started therapy recently so he's sort of hard to handle right now... And I can tell you, how I was during pregnancy did not help. My DH wanted a girl, and truly doesn't care if we end up with all girls. There have been a lot of heart to hearts on the issue, because *I* am the one who desperately wants a son. So... I'll be around, haha.

I also think your loss is also something no one should have to go through; that's a grief truly unfair, and I'm so, so sorry. I think, whoever you end up with, you will also heal parts of yourself you didn't think possible with their birth, but know you CAN carry a girl. You CAN have a girl. And you CAN heal, even before finding out the sex of this baby. And we'll all be here to help you with that process, too <3

I really appreciate you asking those questions of me, because I think it's so helpful to get and give insight, you know?

Wishing you so much goodness <3

[sigrid86]

Thank you, I really appreciate the compliments and understanding! It's funny, because I went elsewhere online to share my wrestling of my DD's sex and my own history, and I had a lot of women tell me they had the same anxieties/fears but while pregnant with a boy. Having a boy after that trauma was scary for them because it had been men who had abused them. I fully understand how that trauma can affect both GDs, now, but also think it's interesting that -- yet again -- I seem in my own little bubble over here, haha.

I am "swaying," in that I follow the HE lifestyle. I followed a sort of moderate form starting almost exactly a year ago when I found this site and read everything -- studies, posts -- obsessively. After my DD's birth, I incorporated a little more of the HE lifestyle, and now I'd say I'm fully swaying outside of the actively TTC part (since I've now had two losses since her birth not actively trying, and it turns out my thyroid levels are messed up again). So I do minimal to no cardio, I keep lifting heavy weights, I eat breakfast every day, incorporate eggs, red meat, protein, full fat dairy into my life (when I didn't touch any of that pre-DD), I try to snack now; I don't bother with that personality stuff since I'm a pretty type A self-control freak who's perpetually ambitious and competitive... I think it's all diet based on that, haha.

I sure hope being sad doesn't sway TOO much though, haha -- I can't lie. This last loss hit me harder than even the first one, and my DH started therapy recently so he's sort of hard to handle right now... And I can tell you, how I was during pregnancy did not help. My DH wanted a girl, and truly doesn't care if we end up with all girls. There have been a lot of heart to hearts on the issue, because *I* am the one who desperately wants a son. So... I'll be around, haha.

I also think your loss is also something no one should have to go through; that's a grief truly unfair, and I'm so, so sorry. I think, whoever you end up with, you will also heal parts of yourself you didn't think possible with their birth, but know you CAN carry a girl. You CAN have a girl. And you CAN heal, even before finding out the sex of this baby. And we'll all be here to help you with that process, too <3

I really appreciate you asking those questions of me, because I think it's so helpful to get and give insight, you know?

Wishing you so much goodness <3

Oh yeah, I can also relate to these women. Just because a guy did that to them, they really don't want to have a boy. I can understand both them and you; it's only how you look at it. I'm sure there are other women like you also and that you don't have to be alone in your bubble

It seems like you're really doing a good job with your sway! I'm sorry for your losses; that's sad to hear How far along were you both times? It's scary to know that it can just chance overnight isn't it. You have big issues with your thyroid? I'm on medication also, for hypothyroidy, so I'm being follow up closely, especially when I'm pregnant. But it's very good controlled, because I'm really on the limit of hypothyroidy (if I don't take anything I have a TSH value of 4-4.5) but ofcourse that's too high when ttc or if you're pregnant. I hope it's fixed soon. Since when are your values so messed up? Will you start ttc as soon as your thyroid levels are normal again?
Just out of curiosity: what was your lifestyle before your DD?

Oh I'm sorry your sad about the loss it's understandable ofcourse. How were you during pregnancy? I get the issue with your DH. My DH doesn't care either and I don't think he will ever understand my desperate need for a girl. For now I almost didn't tell him anything and I managed to dtd at the right points, but if this baby would be a boy I will tell him everything.

Thank you for your understanding! I also believe that just having a baby (no matter what gender) will heal parts of myself. Just thinking of the love I felt when Liv was born (and she wasn't even alive) was so overwhelming. All of a sudden I really understood that a child is the most important thing in life when being a parent. I really hope I can carry a girl once again! I hope I'm one of these girls who only make girls, whatever I do
Thank you so much for your help; it's great to be here and find such support and comfort

It's veeery helpful to get and give insight, that's why I love this site so much

Thanks again for your kindness! I wish you all the best and hope that your thyroid issues are over soon

[atomic sagebrush]

I just don't hear many friends saying they really want a boy. A also felt sort of unfeminine (I didn't have a handbag until I was 20y old ), I didn't dress up (even know I rather put on a hoodie), even now I hardly wear any make up and I always liked sports very much. Most of the girls were much more girly. But still, I would love to have a mini-me, if you know what I mean
But it's pretty clear that we want a certain gender mostly based on our relationship with our parents or how we felt when we were younger. So thank god you created this site and already helped so many people! I'm glad you share so much information and experience, it's really great, thanks!!!

You know, it's funny, I actually DON"T think that is clear. Because I see just as many people who had a very happy experience and just want to recreate that.

Personally, I think this is an innate feeling that some of us have more than others, and because we "psychologize" everything in our culture (both US and Europe tend to do that) it makes us look back at our lives and look for reasons and of course because life is what it is, we always find those reasons. But it may just very well be, in part or in total, that for some of us we just have natural desire to have kids of both genders. Our life experiences may make it cut a bit deeper for some of us, but it may be very much a natural thing.

I remember the first time I realized I COULD have a baby some day. (when I was a little girl, I mean) I immediately wanted to do it passionately and I was so happy that it was a thing that would possibly happen. And that baby was a GIRL!! LOL. There may be something about that similarity, shared experience whatever that makes us want a same gender kiddo even if we are not a stereotypical girly girl. (and I don't intend this to take away from moms who want boys at all, because like I said I suspect I'd have had even stronger GD for a boy, than I did for a girl, personally) I only mention it because I know that many of us, myself included, have found it a bit puzzling that even tho we are not girly types ourselves that we still want a daughter so desperately.

[atomic sagebrush]

I just don't hear many friends saying they really want a boy. A also felt sort of unfeminine (I didn't have a handbag until I was 20y old ), I didn't dress up (even know I rather put on a hoodie), even now I hardly wear any make up and I always liked sports very much. Most of the girls were much more girly. But still, I would love to have a mini-me, if you know what I mean
But it's pretty clear that we want a certain gender mostly based on our relationship with our parents or how we felt when we were younger. So thank god you created this site and already helped so many people! I'm glad you share so much information and experience, it's really great, thanks!!!

You know, it's funny, I actually DON"T think that is clear. Because I see just as many people who had a very happy experience and just want to recreate that.

Personally, I think this is an innate feeling that some of us have more than others, and because we "psychologize" everything in our culture (both US and Europe tend to do that) it makes us look back at our lives and look for reasons and of course because life is what it is, we always find those reasons. But it may just very well be, in part or in total, that for some of us we just have natural desire to have kids of both genders. Our life experiences may make it cut a bit deeper for some of us, but it may be very much a natural thing.

I remember the first time I realized I COULD have a baby some day. (when I was a little girl, I mean) I immediately wanted to do it passionately and I was so happy that it was a thing that would possibly happen. And that baby was a GIRL!! LOL. There may be something about that similarity, shared experience whatever that makes us want a same gender kiddo even if we are not a stereotypical girly girl. (and I don't intend this to take away from moms who want boys at all, because like I said I suspect I'd have had even stronger GD for a boy, than I did for a girl, personally) I only mention it because I know that many of us, myself included, have found it a bit puzzling that even tho we are not girly types ourselves that we still want a daughter so desperately.

[Throwaway_panther]

Oh yeah, I can also relate to these women. Just because a guy did that to them, they really don't want to have a boy. I can understand both them and you; it's only how you look at it. I'm sure there are other women like you also and that you don't have to be alone in your bubble

It seems like you're really doing a good job with your sway! I'm sorry for your losses; that's sad to hear How far along were you both times? It's scary to know that it can just chance overnight isn't it. You have big issues with your thyroid? I'm on medication also, for hypothyroidy, so I'm being follow up closely, especially when I'm pregnant. But it's very good controlled, because I'm really on the limit of hypothyroidy (if I don't take anything I have a TSH value of 4-4.5) but ofcourse that's too high when ttc or if you're pregnant. I hope it's fixed soon. Since when are your values so messed up? Will you start ttc as soon as your thyroid levels are normal again?
Just out of curiosity: what was your lifestyle before your DD?

Oh I'm sorry your sad about the loss it's understandable ofcourse. How were you during pregnancy? I get the issue with your DH. My DH doesn't care either and I don't think he will ever understand my desperate need for a girl. For now I almost didn't tell him anything and I managed to dtd at the right points, but if this baby would be a boy I will tell him everything.

Thank you for your understanding! I also believe that just having a baby (no matter what gender) will heal parts of myself. Just thinking of the love I felt when Liv was born (and she wasn't even alive) was so overwhelming. All of a sudden I really understood that a child is the most important thing in life when being a parent. I really hope I can carry a girl once again! I hope I'm one of these girls who only make girls, whatever I do
Thank you so much for your help; it's great to be here and find such support and comfort

It's veeery helpful to get and give insight, that's why I love this site so much

Thanks again for your kindness! I wish you all the best and hope that your thyroid issues are over soon

Oh wow, that's definitely not a TSH to have when TTC; I'm glad it's being controlled for you! I know it might be a very sensitive topic, but do you know what your levels were around when you delivered Liv? Us thyroid-people have an increased risk for stillbirth in addition to miscarriages, so I hope your doctors are more on top of things for you (though unfortunately, of course, sometimes these things can't be explained ).

My T4 is solidly hypo right now (.5), and since I don't have a thyroid at all, I have a lot less wiggle room than others when it comes to levels since I'm at the mercy of my pill! My levels were pretty high shortly after delivery because I was run very high when pregnant (especially because my levels all went hypo around my second trimester with my DD), so my endo steadily brought me down. And -- let me tell you, this is VERY typical with the crapshoot that is not having a thyroid -- I got brought down too low. We discovered this after the first loss, and it was confirmed a second time (when I didn't know I was pregnant again).

The first loss was 7 weeks, the second was just shy of 5 weeks so more of a chemical, but still. I was popping strong positives even during the bleeding so I held hope... but eventually I had fading tests, and eventually got BFNs.

I had pretty bad antepartum depression on top of the GD, really. Pregnancy was a big struggle for me, mentally. My food issues were big, my body hate was big, and the GD literally made me suicidal. I wanted to abort, several times. And I don't think that's a bad thing for anyone to consider, either -- I'm solidly pro-choice, but my DH and I both knew that a lot of those feelings (at least for my first child ever) were me concurrently working through some heavy stuff. It was really wearing on him -- it didn't help that my thyroid levels went wonky, which always affects my mood.
To summarize it, really: I have big control issues. Not with other people around me so much as myself (see: Type A overachiever with an eating disorder and an exercise addiction.). Pregnancy (and motherhood, to an extent) are a big lesson in not being able to control everything, and boy did that do a number on me. Especially when I got to a point where I couldn't do my normal forms of catharsis (heavy duty exercise; *cough alcohol cough*). And since here, I had wanted a boy and THEN learned I could have SOME sort of control over the sex? I wanted it done. I said many times in anguish that I wanted to "start over," and my DH just wanted this healthy baby he felt was a girl from day 1.

That's a lot of heaviness from me again, haha, but I've driven atomic crazy on here before -- now imagine that from someone I was around EVERY day. I'm really, really hormone-sensitive, and between pregnancy, thyroid messes, and 6 months of postpartum -- I've been better, lol.

We're going to do bloodwork again in 6 weeks since we changed my thyroid med completely, but I'm uncertain if my levels will be stable by then. At this point, I'm considering if all is well to try again when my DD is 9 months, since 18 months between pregnancies is a medical rec and I'd sort of saw that as a compromise between my almost Irish twins (which would have happened if my second pregnancy had been successful) and wanting kids closer together. At 9 months meals can start replacing nursing sessions, too, which I'm literally fighting my DD off on NOW haha -- she loves food!

The only hesitance there is, were I to get pregnant on first try (which... seems likely lol), we could end up with a December/January baby which we had unfortunately always wanted to not to do for insurance reasons (eek! Well, we're in the U.S., so that's a reality haha). I stupidly can't shake the "boy" and "girl" months, too, and Spring/Summer are supposedly girl months (even though I conceived my DD in the fall, so... lol).

I don't know, there's a pro and con to everything. Sorry for the ramble!!

[Throwaway_panther]

Oops, I waxed so much there that I forgot to answer re: lifestyle before DD.

I was, more or less, an extreme LE lifestyle (without even knowing anything about it).
Tons of exercise -- I lifted heavy weights 4x a week and did probably 5 hours of cardio on top of that (biking, swimming, mowing my lawn in the hot sun, volleyball every week, hiking).
Never ate breakfast or snacked -- those were special occasion things. My breakfast was a cup of black coffee, or a coffee with almond milk.
Usually ate one meal a day (and it was dinner; occasional two meals a day were lunch and dinner).
No red meat -- ever (I hadn't eaten red meat for over a decade before DD, haha).
Pretty decent amount of alcohol -- now I wasn't an alcoholic, nor am I, but craft beer and good wine are essentially a hobby of my DH and my, and the summer is a lot of beer fests around here (which we go to). The last beer fest we went to was literally a few days before my suspected ovulation. Never really touched liquor or white wine ever, just dry red wines and unfiltered craft beer.
Low everything for sure -- low protein, low carbs. My fat intake wasn't actually particularly low, and it was mostly olive oil, but in the large scheme of things I was usually netting anywhere from ZERO to 800 calories on average. Bad -- do not recommend. Totally was relapsing before conceiving my DD.
Not sure how much credence I pay it, but I also drank a lot of diet pop and sparkling waters flavored with artificial sweeteners.
Other "pink" sway things I inadvertently did was to just have come off BC, and I actually had taken a baby aspirin every few days while on BC.

My DH also was in a weird place, too, in that he was depressed about his job (which he's since left), was often sailing with his friend that summer (smoking a pipe or cigar semi-frequently and being in the hot sun), and we never turned our A/C on and it was a particularly hot end of summer/ beginning of fall.

I say "weird place," too, because my DH is I think the archetypal "person to produce boys" (and his brother has so far had BGB, with a later miscarriage in there I suspect was also a boy) and one of a BBBG family. High testosterone markers (bald, tall, competitive, confident/alpha, seemingly unending libido... -_-)

It was a perfect storm of a girl sway, lol.

I'm amazed, knowing now what I know, that I ever thought I could have had a boy. I can only hope that, in hindsight, we did such an extreme form of something to give us a girl that even a loose boy sway could give us a boy... let alone me going hard as I tend to do when that time comes

[sigrid86]

You know, it's funny, I actually DON"T think that is clear. Because I see just as many people who had a very happy experience and just want to recreate that.

Personally, I think this is an innate feeling that some of us have more than others, and because we "psychologize" everything in our culture (both US and Europe tend to do that) it makes us look back at our lives and look for reasons and of course because life is what it is, we always find those reasons. But it may just very well be, in part or in total, that for some of us we just have natural desire to have kids of both genders. Our life experiences may make it cut a bit deeper for some of us, but it may be very much a natural thing.

I remember the first time I realized I COULD have a baby some day. (when I was a little girl, I mean) I immediately wanted to do it passionately and I was so happy that it was a thing that would possibly happen. And that baby was a GIRL!! LOL. There may be something about that similarity, shared experience whatever that makes us want a same gender kiddo even if we are not a stereotypical girly girl. (and I don't intend this to take away from moms who want boys at all, because like I said I suspect I'd have had even stronger GD for a boy, than I did for a girl, personally) I only mention it because I know that many of us, myself included, have found it a bit puzzling that even tho we are not girly types ourselves that we still want a daughter so desperately.

Wow, that's really well said! It's just strange how everyone is different and have their own reasons for wanting a certain gender. Some just dont' care also. That would be great! But I wonder how many really don't care...

Ah that's funny that you wanted a baby girl when you were younger I also think that people often want a baby of their own gender because of the similarity.
It's a fascinating thing, the human psyche...

[sigrid86]

Oh wow, that's definitely not a TSH to have when TTC; I'm glad it's being controlled for you! I know it might be a very sensitive topic, but do you know what your levels were around when you delivered Liv? Us thyroid-people have an increased risk for stillbirth in addition to miscarriages, so I hope your doctors are more on top of things for you (though unfortunately, of course, sometimes these things can't be explained ).

My T4 is solidly hypo right now (.5), and since I don't have a thyroid at all, I have a lot less wiggle room than others when it comes to levels since I'm at the mercy of my pill! My levels were pretty high shortly after delivery because I was run very high when pregnant (especially because my levels all went hypo around my second trimester with my DD), so my endo steadily brought me down. And -- let me tell you, this is VERY typical with the crapshoot that is not having a thyroid -- I got brought down too low. We discovered this after the first loss, and it was confirmed a second time (when I didn't know I was pregnant again).

The first loss was 7 weeks, the second was just shy of 5 weeks so more of a chemical, but still. I was popping strong positives even during the bleeding so I held hope... but eventually I had fading tests, and eventually got BFNs.

I had pretty bad antepartum depression on top of the GD, really. Pregnancy was a big struggle for me, mentally. My food issues were big, my body hate was big, and the GD literally made me suicidal. I wanted to abort, several times. And I don't think that's a bad thing for anyone to consider, either -- I'm solidly pro-choice, but my DH and I both knew that a lot of those feelings (at least for my first child ever) were me concurrently working through some heavy stuff. It was really wearing on him -- it didn't help that my thyroid levels went wonky, which always affects my mood.
To summarize it, really: I have big control issues. Not with other people around me so much as myself (see: Type A overachiever with an eating disorder and an exercise addiction.). Pregnancy (and motherhood, to an extent) are a big lesson in not being able to control everything, and boy did that do a number on me. Especially when I got to a point where I couldn't do my normal forms of catharsis (heavy duty exercise; *cough alcohol cough*). And since here, I had wanted a boy and THEN learned I could have SOME sort of control over the sex? I wanted it done. I said many times in anguish that I wanted to "start over," and my DH just wanted this healthy baby he felt was a girl from day 1.

That's a lot of heaviness from me again, haha, but I've driven atomic crazy on here before -- now imagine that from someone I was around EVERY day. I'm really, really hormone-sensitive, and between pregnancy, thyroid messes, and 6 months of postpartum -- I've been better, lol.

We're going to do bloodwork again in 6 weeks since we changed my thyroid med completely, but I'm uncertain if my levels will be stable by then. At this point, I'm considering if all is well to try again when my DD is 9 months, since 18 months between pregnancies is a medical rec and I'd sort of saw that as a compromise between my almost Irish twins (which would have happened if my second pregnancy had been successful) and wanting kids closer together. At 9 months meals can start replacing nursing sessions, too, which I'm literally fighting my DD off on NOW haha -- she loves food!

The only hesitance there is, were I to get pregnant on first try (which... seems likely lol), we could end up with a December/January baby which we had unfortunately always wanted to not to do for insurance reasons (eek! Well, we're in the U.S., so that's a reality haha). I stupidly can't shake the "boy" and "girl" months, too, and Spring/Summer are supposedly girl months (even though I conceived my DD in the fall, so... lol).

I don't know, there's a pro and con to everything. Sorry for the ramble!!

It's ok to ask about it...I already went through every possible cause but I really can't find anything My TSH levels were great the whole time of my pregnancy (except for the beginning ofcourse). TSH level was always around 1-1.5 so that's fine...I was being followed every month - 6 weeks and every time my levels were perfect. My endocrinologist also said it was definitely not related.

Oh you don't have a thyroid??? I have a friend without thyroid who's trying to become pregnant but it's so hard for her to get the levels stable. And without that, she just can't get pregnant. So I can imagine you're struggling. And especially when hcg starts to rise, the thyroid levels also start to do strange things :s So your loss was due to the thyroid levels?? That's awful And every loss is just a baby you looked forward to so it's always hard to take.

I'm sorry you also had an antepartum depression on top of the GD, that must be sooo difficult! I hear it a lot actually. But it's also very sad that you didn't have a good pregnancy and that you couldn't really enjoy it. It's strange how our thoughts can make us feel so bad. But ofcourse with all you've been through I can really imagine that your pregnancy must have been hard. And on top of that there are the pregnancy hormones and your thyroid levels...
If I can cheer you up a bit: control freaks are more likely to get boys I also learned it the hard way, that we cant' control everything. Especially in a pregnancy, you can just go to your appointments and hope for the best. And ofcourse try your best not to harm your baby. But even then, drug addicts get normal children...

I really hope you will feel better soon! But I'm sure you will. If your thyroid levels get better and you have a new goal, you'll be better.
It's frustrating that you always have to wait about 6 weeks to see if the medication is right or not. That's just so much time...my friend was already trying from August and suddenly in December they just noticed that her thyroid levels were totally off :s so she basically lost 4 months. So maybe, if everything is good in 6 weeks, you'll try again? That's great! And it's indeed very nice to have your kids close together. Although it seems hard also, since they don't go to school yet.

What's the deal with ending up with a December/January baby in the US? I don't know anything about it...for me I would just not like it so much because it's so cold and you go less outside with your baby. But ofcourse you just don't choose it and that's the least of our worries I don't really believe in the girl and boy months...Liv was conceived in December so that's also not very accurate

Btw just an update: I had the first ultrasound yesterday. Everything was perfect, there was also a strong heartbeat and I was on 6 weeks 3 days (due date 3 September). So I'm just hoping this will continue being good...and pink Next ultrasound is in 2 weeks!