Blog Comments

  1. Mulberry Smurf's Avatar
    lovely words, the last comment made me think of my own children and smile :) being present in the moment has helped me as well, and I have also been tuning out the royal baby news. Stay strong :) xx
  2. ocean's Avatar
    Kitty - Think of Facebook as a bad habit that needs busting. We do it by rote when we're bored - but it isn't an innocuous habit. I always left it unhappier than I was before. ALWAYS. I don't need that and neither do you.

    Delete the app from your phone - that's the huge first step. After a few weeks of checking (less frequently) via desktop, I disabled my acct. (it doesn't delete data but mentally puts it further away). If anyone asks in real life if you're not on it anymore, or you miss a piece of news, just say 'oh Im never on it anymore, too much going on!' Or I told my friends the truth which is a painful family issue played out on Facebook and I realized I didn't need that in my life. They were curious at first but no one cared. Life moves on and I think it's now been 9+ months. I never think of it (except now, writing this blog!).

    And then replace that habit with something else. I check cnn.com, people, and zillow. Sometimes ny times. Or just put your phone away and breathe in FREEDOM because that's what you've just done for yourself.

    Pink - I like your nonchalant point - it's interesting how if we start by trying to keep perspective and stay even keeled, it gets easier and easier over time.

    So happy you're both reading. Thank you!
    Updated May 21st, 2015 at 08:45 AM by ocean
  3. Pink rose 76's Avatar
    I definitely get no. 4 that is my worst. Too many people seem to be pregnant and they all seem to be having girls. But I specifically don't ask now, try to be nonchalant about to all.

    You're doing great Ocean xxxx
  4. Kitty0911's Avatar
    Great advice. I need to keep my butt off of FB! That is my weakness!! I have a friend due next month who doesn't know the gender of her baby and I'm just dying to know!! How did you stop checking FB? Was it easy for you? I try to only check it in the morning and at night, but find myself checking it throughout the day when I'm bored.
  5. ocean's Avatar
    Thank you so much oldmama and Beans, for supporting me, even and especially with everything you're going through.

    Beans - Like your analogy to the last small hurdle left. I'm in a weird state now where I'm just letting the days pass by and not really thinking about the transfer. It will be or it will not be. But there's absolutely no way to predict; the results on this site in the past month show that all too well. So am trying to just go with the flow and breathe in and out and let the days pass. I'm finding I'm much happier as a result, getting to just enjoy my life and kids….that alone is a good thing.
  6. Beans626's Avatar
    I can understand the dread. I imagine feeling like that because if I feel too optimistic it will end badly and I will be hurt more. However, sheltering our feelings to prevent pain is no way to go through the process. You are strong, have done al the right things, and have (as OP's have said) this one small hurdle left. Don't think of it as ten more hurdles in this race. Just one last, small hurdle and the race is over. Then you can relax a bit, take a breather, and another very short race will begin after that with a few minor hurdles as you head into the home stretch where you hold your baby girl in your arms.

    If you try and fall, you are still among the stars. And we will all be here for you, cheering you on, and always hoping for the best outcome!
  7. oldmama14's Avatar
    I know how you feel. I really do. I wish I could add more, but I think you are very brave. One way or another you will get through it. "If it doesn't work" is a question for another day. Try to hold onto your sanity :) I know I found my second FET to be much harder than my first one, since the first one didn't work and it was my last embryo. All of the luck in the world to you.
  8. Adia's Avatar
    I am letting myself envision life with a little boy running around, although it has taken some serious self talk to let myself really believe that something I hoped and prayed for is really happening.
    Someone once said " you can have it all, just not all at once." I feel like that, however for so many years I sat back and wondered why so many things were so much harder for me than others so honestly accepting that one of my biggest hopes is actually happening has taken some time to sink in.

    And, just for the record, maturity is kicking in and I really don't care all that much that some things in life took so much more strain than they did for others. I have a great life and I am so grateful for all of it, the good, the bad, and the growth.

    I am your cheerleader ocean, hang in there and follow that dream!
  9. ocean's Avatar
    Well said, Adia. Blank IS good. Focusing on the mystery is good.

    Well I for one think you're entitled to dream a little now about your life with a boy in it. :) Is it for self-protection that you're trying to keep that at bay?
  10. ocean's Avatar
    Adia - thank you, friend. I love that quote. And it fits how I feel so well. I put myself into this. I set sail. I'm now weathering the storm. Think of you often too, my heart sings with happiness that you're on your way to getting your dear boy in your arms.

    Pink rose - The possible spending of $$, high stress, emotion, for possibly no desired outcome…that's the tougher feeling, I agree. And I was reminding myself actually…how blessed I feel to even get the CHANCE to have the FET. And two, at that. When I was doing the 5d waits and then the testing wait, I had no idea what would happen - any normals? some? none of my DG? It was awful. I just wanted to get through the gate of possibility. I blogged about this….it was like having my nose pressed against the window and all these women with tickets were going in, and all I wanted was a chance to go through the doors.

    Thank you - you're right - this is that last hurdle. It's harder and sadder than I thought it would be. But if the one thing I need to do is keep positive than gosh darn it I'm going to put my energy to doing that!!
  11. Pink rose 76's Avatar
    Bless you ocean. I know you do feel like you are on a roller coaster up and down with emotions. Some days I feel great and excited that I have a plan and ready to cycle again. But then as it approaches I think am I wasting time and money on a no hope situation?

    You are in a very good position though as you have your embryo and just that one tiny hurdle to go. I do think part of the battle is keeping positive. I really wish you so much luck with your fet x
  12. Adia's Avatar
    Its actually a good thing that the future following FET is blank.

    I wish I could live that way instead of trying to fight off all my visions of 'what it would look like having a boy'. Or the anxiety I lived with when their was the possibility of DD4...an eternal tug of war in my head and heart is the only way to describe it.

    Blank is good, very good. Lots of room for lots of beautiful things, both known things and unknown. Now you get to watch the mystery unfold!
    Updated March 15th, 2015 at 10:40 PM by Adia
  13. Adia's Avatar
    "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
    Follow that dream and take that risk. It is the only way to know what the end result will be, and if its results in a baby, it will be a girl!
    Thinking of you often!
    Hang in there.
  14. ocean's Avatar
    Xoxo Jany, hoping with all my heart for both of us!
  15. Jany1025's Avatar
    I didn't tell anyone about that dream I wrote about here on Feb 1st, I mean it's only a deam right? Well it came true :) and I hope with all of my heart yours does too! Xoxo
  16. ocean's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Almost Complete;bt3567] Yours is a million tears, dreams, shots, dollars, conversations, letters typed. Yours will be your miracle. Yours will be the child you have wanted from the depths of your core to the vastness of your dreams. YOURS WILL BE MORE.[/QUOTE]

    Took a big breath after reading this. That feels just right - this WOULD be More on so many dimensions. Including being a miracle I can't fathom. And sort of wonder if I even deserve, that's how much of a miracle it would be.

    I love having you back on here, AC, however and whenever you can squeeze in minutes. Your perspective is a deep one, and I've missed it!
  17. Almost Complete's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Adia;bt3565]As much as we try to move past it, I think hearing someone else get our DG is always a kick in the gut to some extent. I will admit it is easier now that I am having my DG, but I still feel a pang of disappointment every time I hear of those who got their DG, or their prescribed pattern of genders without effort and without the obvious grieving and longing process we have all gone through.
    Big hugs my friend. Your future is bright and hopeful![/QUOTE]

    You aren't kidding. I had thought the feeling would be gone with the arrival of my DD. It is just too ingrained. I still feel the pang. I too am jealous that it came easy, naturally or that some even have more than one DD. I still secretly hope that everyone that is pregnant is having a boy. I have no idea why. I am actually a generous person. If I had cancer, I cannot imagine wishing that on someone. GD has just become such a big part of me. It is something that for me at least has not completely disappeared with my DD.

    Ocean- in all my sickness I do wish you a DD since you've already felt GD ;)--Yup, I'm nuts. You have a plan. Go get her! Then look back on all of these friends and acquaintances and know that yours is more. Yours is a million tears, dreams, shots, dollars, conversations, letters typed. Yours will be your miracle. Yours will be the child you have wanted from the depths of your core to the vastness of your dreams. YOURS WILL BE MORE.
  18. ocean's Avatar
    Mmx!! As usual, sage advise. This gives me a good roadmap - there are some things I can and will do, but the vast majority of this is beyond my control. Except that this time I'll be more mentally prepared. I went into my first transfer truly believing it would work. Almost no matter what I did or didn't do, I had this solid inner faith that it would. I had pictured that particular embryo becoming a baby. For this next time, I'm wiser. So far I'm not overly sure, I'm not overly negative. And as you said, my reaction is entirely within my control.

    Adia - Thank you dear friend. It must be a bit interesting to have both your new experience and your old gut reactions happening at the same time.

    Groovy - thank you so much for reading for for the support!
  19. Adia's Avatar
    As much as we try to move past it, I think hearing someone else get our DG is always a kick in the gut to some extent. I will admit it is easier now that I am having my DG, but I still feel a pang of disappointment every time I hear of those who got their DG, or their prescribed pattern of genders without effort and without the obvious grieving and longing process we have all gone through.
    Big hugs my friend. Your future is bright and hopeful!
  20. MatildaMai's Avatar
    Ah! Its always tough. Even when you have XXs on ice waiting for you. I waited 7 long months before attempting a transfer. I had 2 XXs and it was DH who insisted we wait but that limbo period was excruciating. Taking the leap to transfer is seriously terrifying. It will work - or it wont. And really there's probably not a huge amount you can do to influence the outcome or take control. There's acupuncture and pineapple etc to maximise blood flow to the uterus. Medication or non-medicated -just go with what the clinic does best and monitor monitor monitor. Don't go ahead unless the lining is good and your hormone levels are right.

    The only thing you CAN 100% control is your reaction to whatever it is that happens. You have that power. Remember that. MMx
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