carmella_marie
The Many Phases of Gender Disappointment
by , August 7th, 2014 at 12:59 PM (4014 Views)
I always wanted a daughter. I think I started praying for her at about age 12. I'm 28 now so I'd say that's about 16 years of unanswered prayer. I guess there is no such thing as unanswered prayer, there is always an answer, it just might not be the answer you want. You pray for a daughter and the answer is either yes, no, or wait. I am really hoping my answer is wait.
It's not that I didn't want a boy. I wanted 2 boys and 2 girls and we'd all live together in a big house with a wrap around porch on several acres of land out in the county. So when we found out our first child, an oops baby, was a boy, I was disappointed, but not crushed. I had been looking on in-gender and trying some of the ions and moon phases and the odd diet consisting mostly of chicken and green beans and lots of dairy products. Byt my husband wasn't ready to have a baby yet, so I was just biding my time. I had wanted to do a cut-off, but wasn't sure how to go about it as I had irregular cycles. I didn't think there was anyway I'd get pregnant that month as it would have been a 4 or 5 day cut off, but the two pink lines showed otherwise.
I tried to enjoy the pregnancy and the first year of his life without worrying about the next child, but it was always in the back of my mind. I had to have a girl. I started to panic that this would never happen for me. I would be the dreaded all boy mom. Around that time I found gender dreaming and I read every article over and over and over. I was completely sway obsessed.
I had an "everything AND the kitchen sink sway"--I was on LE diet crash and burn style for 12 weeks. I basically lived off iceberg salads, low fat dressing, pop tarts, white rice and little debbie cupcakes, it was really gross. I drank way too much diet coke and crystal light. I was on zyrtec, baby aspirin, vitex, saw palmetto, rephresh, and was taking several OPK's a day as well as testing my ph and my husband's ph. We did FR for something crazy like 35 days, sometimes 2-3 times a day, and we BD though O. I was convinced if I just did all these things just right it would guarantee a girl.
My husband absolutely hated it. I don't blame him. I had lost my mind. We got pregnant the first month. I anxiously awaited the ultrasound. The tech put the wand to my stomach and there was an instant potty shot and I knew before she even told me it was another boy and I was devastated. I don't know how I held it together until I got in the car. I bawled my eyes out. It was horrible. I went to Walmart to pick up some things and I have never been so angry in all my life. I wanted to just throw everything off the shelves and smash everything in the store.
The anger quickly turned into bargaining. Maybe it was the cord? Maybe my due date is off and that clear turtle shape will magically turn into my long-desired three hamburger lines at my next ultrasound (it did not, and the kid loved to flash his genitals at every ultrasound opportunity). Maybe by some small miracle it would be a girl at birth? Nope.
I didn't even think about swaying for a while after that. I had post partum depression. I had seasonal affective disorder (which is a real thing and really sucks) my poor second son had horrific reflux. We ended up moving a couple times. I lost my job. Life got crazy.
Here we are now and my second son is almost 2. I don't want my kids too far apart so I feel like if we are going to have another we need to do it soon. I still want a daughter, and now my husband does too. So I started swaying. In January! And I have just been too afraid to pull the trigger. There is always a reason: new job, new house, too stressed right now, etc. etc. I think the real reason we haven't tried is because this is my last child. Once I hear boy on this third pregnancy the dream of a daughter is gone. As long as I am just planning then my daughter can live on in my imagination.
There are some days I think 2 kids is enough. We are in a comfortable place: the kids sleep through the night, we don't have to lug a giant diaper bag everywhere, we are almost out of diapers. They boys are good friends and get along. I like where things are.
But there are other days I want a third child and feel destined hopeless. It won't matter what I do to sway, I can only make boys. But sometimes I think thats ok, I could be the dreaded all boy mom, because sometimes Id rather have a third baby and have it be a boy than not have a third baby.
And then there are other times, and they are very very rare, when I think I can't flip heads three times in a row, and I just might get a yes answer to my prayer.
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