sbowman

You have GD and you should be ashamed.

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by
sbowman
, August 22nd, 2013 at 01:47 PM (25553 Views)
This is going to get a bet rant-y.
Just recently at church we got into a discussion about gender desire, and the general consensus seems to be that having a preference for the gender of an unborn or unconceived child is shameful. Of course this is something I feel strongly about...as I'm sure you all understand. So I had to chime in and say that I think it's 100% normal to have a preference, and that most human beings on earth have had a preference at some point, whether they want to admit it or not. Their reactions were extreme. They called me ungrateful and basically turned their noses up at me, and also told me they felt sorry for my son. I could barely hold back tears as I left the room. We didn't even stay for the service. Of course these women don't know me at all, which makes it worse. They don't know I went for an ultrasound on my birthday and found out my unborn child was dead. They don't know the heartache I feel and the longing I have for my son every single day of my life. They don't know the guilt I live with that my sadness somehow caused my loss. The pain is so bad some days, I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of this guilt and pain. They also don't know how much I absolutely adore my living son, how he is the light of my life and my heart just bursts with love for him. I couldn't imagine loving another human being more than I love him. He was a very much wanted little boy, and still is. I know I would have loved my second son just as much. Having GD has really made me appreciate my child more than I did before. I know I'm lucky to have a son, to be able to easily conceive. I'm very fortunate. But you know what? It doesn't CHANGE my desire. Having desire for a girl or boy doesn't make you ungrateful, it doesn't make you love your child any less. I just wish the whole world could know that. Or to stop saying things like, so and so can't have any children, so and so lost a child, so and so is happy with twelve boys with no GD at all. Well, I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of us who have infertility or who have lost children and yet we STILL have that desire. It is still there. Shame on those women for mocking me and making me cry in church, a place of forgiveness and acceptance of others, NOT judgment. I'm so sick of seeing women who have to hide their desire or disappointment and are afraid to talk about it because of judgmental people like that. My feelings are valid. I am NOT ungrateful.
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  1. rainbowflower's Avatar
    wow, sorry you had to hear that and this from people who are supposed to be "tolerant" and "compassionate"?! I think you need to find a different group to be around
  2. MatildaMai's Avatar
    Very very true. I 'get' you. As I'm sure lots of others on here do too. I applaud your bravery in trying to get your point across. They are the ones who ought to be ashamed of their narrowmindedness & judgemental behaviour.
  3. ninah's Avatar
    I'm so sorry that you went through that! It is absolutely awful how judgmental others can be, simply because they haven't experienced the same thing. I don't believe that GD makes any of us bad people, or that we should be ashamed! Like MatildaMai said- shame on THEM for judging! :bighug:
  4. Becca.lms's Avatar
    Yes. I have gender desire but I could not love my boys any more. I love them so much I can barely handle it. How dare they actually question you or say they're sorry for him. That is such a disgusting attitude! Some people, man.
    I'm sorry you had to go through that.
  5. crazyladyneedsababy's Avatar
    complete wackos chick, don't let em get you down. You know from being on here that its perfectly normal to want a certain gender. And I totally agree that my love for my boys is separate to my desire for a girl. Obviously that's one persons narrow minded view backed up by a bunch of sheep by the sounds of it. xxx
  6. Dollydot's Avatar
    God knows your good heart, NOT those silly narrow minded judgmental ladies.. Tell them to jog on....
  7. Kittybear's Avatar
    Wow, clearly these women have lived completely perfect, blameless lives to enable them to judge another woman like that I THINK NOT. Clearly they have forgotten their bible studies about he without sin casting the first stone. Shame on them who should know better!
    I admire your bravery for defending yourself to these idiots (and I BET there was at least 1 other woman in there thinking 'I feel the same' but was too scared to admit it). Who raised the subject? For it to even be in someone's mind means they must have thought about it...
    No one should judge another without walking a mile in their shoes first. Anyone who has ever suffered from GD will know that it is a horrible burden to bear and is an ENTIRELY separate thing from the love that you feel for your child/ children. If anything I think we love them more!! ;)
    I would suggest trying to find another group; you don't need those kind of poisonous people in your life. We understand you and support you here! :) x x
  8. monkeysnuffer's Avatar
    Talking about it at church was a mistake,IMHO. It just seems like something you'd get judged for.

    I am not really religious, but I attended a ceremony once with my MIL. The people there felt the same about gender preference.
  9. hotdogz&boyz's Avatar
    This blog (which caught my eye, I don't usually read them) is the reason I never tell anyone my baby was a sway baby. Why? Because it implies things about me [in the eyes of others]. That I was ungrateful. That I wasn't happy with my two [gorgeous] sons. That I was selfish in conceiving another if I cared about gender. That I should be pitied for my desire. That I should be forced to have "another" boy to "cure" me of my desire (news flash, I would have adored him too). That I didn't deserve a girl, to "punish me" for my desire. That I was lesser of a person because so-n-so never cared. That I was spoiled to be "able" to have a desire (as if I didn't suffer four losses myself).

    I wish we could shout from the rooftops that we are NOT ungrateful. We are not selfish. Our lives are not charmed. And we deserve respect for our wishes. No matter what they are. I respect you for at least saying you thought it was normal. People need to hear it. It is normal. There are 1000 ladies on this site who are wonderful and dynamic and from all walks of life. We defy the very definition of abnormal by sheer numbers. And there are 10 more ladies for every on on here who feel it and don't know where to get support for having a preference.
  10. matti's Avatar
    haleluja! Sbowman I hope those women feel ashamed of themselves. We are not ungrateful and we LOVE our children. We just have a dream and pursue our dream.
  11. RedCanoe's Avatar
    Oh, people are so full of crap. When I was preggo with DD, and walking around with my 3 boys and my big belly, everyone and their dog took it upon themselves to tell me that "that one better be a girl, hahaha." So it's perfectly acceptable for everyone else to have a gender preference for the unborn baby, except for the actual expecting mom (or dad). If I had said the same thing, "oh, I hope this is my little girl" I would have been judged or pitied. Ridiculous.