Survivor's guilt

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I feel bad. I have a friend's baby shower this Sunday. She's having DS2 and was devastated because they're stopping at 2 and her daughter dream is over. I TRIED to steer her here, but she stubbornly refused to believe that diet had anything to do with it since her sister had both genders "without trying or changing anything." Her sister got pregnant right after the wedding, when she was dieting ad exercising like crazy to get into her dress, and had her DD. She got her DS a couple years later doing things I thought swayed girl (breastfeeding and taking the progesterone-only pill improperly,) but she was gaining weight like crazy and ate ALL THE TIME. I never saw her without a snack in hand at that time. It totally makes sense to me why she has one of each by unintentionally swaying, but instead my friend saw this as confirmation that it's just 50/50 everytime and there's nothing we can do about it. I HAVE to acknowledge that luck is a component here, but depending on it completely when so much of your happiness is at stake is folly, IMHO.

So I've been delaying telling her I'm pregnant because I remember how painful it was when I heard that another friend of mine was having a girl when I had just had DS2. I'll be telling everyone after our 13 week scan, but I'm particularly afraid of telling her.

I fear the pain I might cause the all-boy moms in my life, but I also fear something else. It's like, I think they're going to think my desire for a daughter is a judgement on their lives and families. As if I didn't think what they had was good enough.

Maybe there's a grain of truth in my fear. It wasn't enough for ME. I had to know if one more shot would yield me my daughter. I had to know if a kitchen-sink sway would be the key to my daughter, or if even that would lead to another boy. I had to take a leap of faith toward my dream. I wasn't ready to settle on what a few of my friends HAVE, but I don't want them to feel bad about it.

I also don't want to lose friends. Everytime a mom friend of mine had a girl, I felt like my boys weren't going to be good playdates for their kids anymore. It was like, because of their mixed gender family make-up, my single gender one was no longer acceptable for company. I don't want any of my friends to feel that way! I'm not going to stop inviting them to join me for coffee and playdates at the mall playground because they have boys, not a girl for my DD to play with. I want my DD to play with boys too (and, with two awesome older brothers, I think she will!) I don't want my social circle to shrink because my sway was successful.

I have more confidence in my Panorama result now. They give results for anything over a 4% fetal fraction rate (percentage of cell-free fetal DNA in maternal blood,) and mine was 15%! The geneticist said this was high for 9 weeks, and makes them very certain of my results. So, a girl it is! Let's see how adding her in changes my life...


  1. MatildaMai's Avatar
    How you are feeling is very common. I still try and downplay how pleased I am to have a DD to friends who only have boys. I talk about how headstrong and naughty she is (all true!) compared to how laid back my boys were. And I almost never dress her in overly girl things and almost never in pink! She has 1 pale pink dress and 1 set of pale pink leggings - that's it. She wears white, navy, red, mint, grey, cream, leopard print, tan - anything but pink! This is despite the fact that even at 18mths of age she yells "PINK" when she see's anything pink and loves all things frilly and sparkly!! Its not really fair on my daughter. But I do know lots of all boy families.

    At the end of the day this is your life and you've done what you needed to do. Your path, your journey. I understand you don't want to lose friends, but in some instances we don't have control of that. You have the right attitude but sometimes despite the best intentions it doesn't work out. We don't see the family of one of my husband's best friends anymore as a result of having a girl. (I think they catch up in the city for lunch occasionally at least). He was best man at our wedding and 3 of our boys and 2 of theirs are similar ages so we'd go on skiing holidays together and spent a lot of time with them, BBQs, kids parties, dinners…. He actually tried to convince my DH not to let me do HT. They did and it didn't work. Anyway, I totally get how painful it is for her. Maybe in a few years when the kids are older it will get easier for her and things will change. All I know is that I had to do what I did, and I'm glad I did.
  2. LilithWiser1979's Avatar
    Your words have always been such a balm, MatildaMai! Thanks for the sage advice. I'm going to try to tell her it's a girl as gently as possible, but you're right. It is MY journey and my choice to try for a DD, and I'm glad I did it. I have no regrets, just strong feelings of empathy toward those who might not be happy about my news.
  3. Jany1025's Avatar
    Updated June 6th, 2014 at 08:30 PM by Jany1025
  4. trifecta's Avatar
    Congratulations on your girl! If you are willing I think the best thing you can do for the boy moms you know is to be transparent about swaying. I think it would be hard to begrudge someone a daughter knowing how much effort you made to make it happen (even though luck is obviously the deciding factor) and it might help them with their own family planning decisions. I would also avoid using the word "settle" because as I'm sure you've experienced the process of deciding to have a child is more complicated than that. Other than that I think you should just treat your friends like adults who can handle it because that's what your friends should be.