I found out the my Panorama results indicated a chromosomally healthy girl on Wednesday. I shook while I was on hold with the fetal medicine specialist. She didn't volunteer the sex, so I squeaked out the question. When she said "It looks like a female," I collapsed onto the bed. I squealed with joy, I danced around the house, and I rushed to my phone to text DH and my sister.

Since Wednesday, everything's been... different. I expected for the happiness, which I've had, but not the weird calm that came after. It's like, everything's okay now. I think this is what it feels like to stop having oppressive gender disappointment. It's like a weight being lifted off my chest, and being allowed to breathe fully for the first time in years.

I took my boys to Target today. For the first time in years, I didn't have to avoid the baby aisle for fear of seeing something heartbreakingly cute for a girl. For the first time, when the boys were loud and rowdy (just being kids, IMHO,) I wasn't concerned that someone might make a comment about them being "typical boys." If that comment had come, I would have had a completely different response than I'd have had last week. It would have been calm and logical ("Actually, they're being kids. My niece is nowhere near as well-behaved as they're being right now.") instead of emotional and leading to a breakdown later today ("Well I wanted a girl, but instead I have these gorgeous boys!")

I'm shocked at how zen I feel right now. I'm carrying the final member of my family. I'm carrying my female heir, and now I can do all the cute crafts and make all the adorable sundresses that I've never been able to justify before. My boys are my treasures, and I can stop looking at them and seeing anything resembling disappointment. They will always be my first- and secondborns. I can continue to read them my favorite stories, teach them to cook and draw, take them swimming and teach them the joy of hiking. It's just that now I don't feel the need to be defensive about keeping them out of organized team sports, painting their nails or letting them grow their hair long. I will still ALWAYS defend their rights to be allowed to take joy in anything girls do, but now I feel like I'm okay with letting them do some of the things boys stereotypically do, too. I had a hard time letting DS1 cut his hair short, and now I can't imagine giving a shorter haircut a second thought. DS2 has been going through a trucks and robots phase, which I'd been resisting. I wanted to point him toward dinosaurs, pirates, space exploration and animals (boy-oriented/gender neutral themes I find acceptable,) and now I couldn't care less if every Lego creation he makes is a robot or a truck. They're not my kids taking the place of my daughter anymore. They're my sons. My daughter is coming.

More than anything, I don't want to become that woman who had GD, got what she wanted, then came to the conclusion that getting her DG made no difference and that everyone who still has GD should "buck up" and be thankful for what they have. I am riding my wave of bliss now, but GD has left me with scars. I know they'll lessen with time, but I want my experience to not have been in vain. It was a very valuable life lesson, and I want to keep that compassion and empathy for women (and men) experiencing crippling GD. It's important to me to never lose sight of how deep my darkness went, and how not everyone is lucky enough to get what they wanted. Everyone's GD is valid. No one can help how they feel, and shaming them, especially when they already feel like the lowest, most awful parent ever for feeling that way, is going to help them out of it. I needed therapy to get to a place where I could even sway. It was SO helpful, and helped my grieve and get through the worst of it. It was WORK, and I'm not sure I'd be where I am today without it. I want to always remember that I had help getting where I am today, and to help other people see that it's okay to get help for healing and happiness.

After having said all this, I just hope that Panorama result was correct!