Doesn't feel real yet.

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This all feels like a beautiful dream. I've been happily looking at sewing patterns for bonnets and sundresses, planning to make my daughter a Waldorf weighted doll for her first birthday, looking into woven wraps (I am in LOVE with Girasols in Northern Lights and Wrapsody Bali Breeze in Luna,) and overall just planning a colorful rainbow theme for her stuff.


Her stuff. My daughter. My girl. I almost never say it out loud because it feels like I might jinx it.

It's completely silly. I have total confidence in my Panorama results, and I know the odds of human error, or mixing up my results with someone else's are beyond miniscule. Still, I can't shake the feeling that after all this time I'm not meant to be this lucky.

It's weird how I'm completely paranoid about this baby's health in a way I have never been before. It's as if I con't possibly make a healthy girl, but if it was a boy, I'd know for certain that I'd make it to the delivery room with a completely healthy baby whose health I'd never have worried about. It's especially absurd because I lost the last boy I carried at 11 1/2 weeks, just as I was getting my MaterniT21 results.

I have my NT scan on Monday, when I'll be 13 weeks and 2 days. I'm looking forward to seeing an intact brain and all her little parts where they should be. I wonder if I'll be more confident then? Maybe not. Maybe I'll then worry until the anatomy scan. After that, maybe I'll worry about bizarre complications like a twisted cord (I have a friend who lost a baby girl at 28 weeks this way) or a delivery complication.

Who knows. I'm TRYING to enjoy this, but none of it feels real... yet.


  1. WantingPink's Avatar
    I think that feeling is completely normal. Isn't that what being a parent is all about? We (as women) worry about them from the minute we see those two lines. The worries just change as the pregnancy goes on and they are born. After they are born you worry about autism, hearing, developmental milestones, food allergies, etc. Then as they get older do they have a learning disability, are making friends, socially normal, etc. I haven't gotten to the teenage phase yet but that will bring on a whole new set of serious worries!! I didn't really start doing nursery and buying stuff until I was about 28 weeks but that is because I too worry about all that can go wrong. Hang in there!! You deserve this little girl.
  2. sugarNspice's Avatar
    Worry comes with the territory! Once you've had a loss, it's just part of being pregnant. And not a pleasant part. But I think you (and I, 'cause I'm right there with you) just need to keep doing what you're doing: shopping for your daughter, getting ready to make space for her in your family, helping her siblings with the transition, etc. That is, just keep living your life and doing all the things you'd be doing even if you were not worried. Maybe the worry will lessen with time, maybe it won't. But it's just worry--totally normal and not a problem as long as it doesn't keep you from functioning or enjoying your pregnancy. It's totally possible to feel overwhelmed with worry at some moments, and still fully experience the joy and anticipation of having a baby--and getting your much longed-for DD--at other times.
  3. sugarNspice's Avatar
    Oh, and those wraps are gorgeous! (trying to justify buying yet another new one for my new daughter).
  4. Two of a Kind's Avatar
    Some of my favourite wraps! :) always buy a new one with each baby :) x