ocean

How deep GDe travels (and for DH, too)

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ocean
, March 11th, 2015 at 10:38 PM (3169 Views)
DH and I had a 'talk' last night. I was feeling very, very down about the upcoming FET and I didn't hold back when he asked what was wrong. He said "Is this all because you want a daughter THAT much?" which of course stung, especially since we're a couple years into this effort.

But later he said what he keeps thinking about is that he couldn't 'give me a girl' and that it's his fault this is all happening. My DH is the sweetest, strongest, most devoted DH and daddy, very high work ethic, smart, moral, you name it. He didn't want to have a 3rd, ABSOLUTELY wasn't willing to do HT for fear of what could happen, but after much patience and slow steps, here we are. We had multiple genetic miscarriages which could've been either gender, and our HT embies were 2/3 XX, so he really doesn't need to feel that way.

But this goes to show how deep GDe can travel, how much it affects - not just for me, but for my wonderful DH. Atomic's analogy is spot on: GD is like hitting your thumb with a hammer, and it doesn't matter if someone else has no thumbs or arms, your thumb is still going to hurt plenty. GD, GDe, they just suck.

I actually had a better day today, thank goodness. Not dreading the FET today. Even looking forward to it a little. Though the afterward is still a big blank nothing. No expectations. No hopes. No non-hopes. Just the unknown future, that's all that fills my mind.

Updated March 12th, 2015 at 02:01 PM by ocean

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  1. Adia's Avatar
    Its actually a good thing that the future following FET is blank.

    I wish I could live that way instead of trying to fight off all my visions of 'what it would look like having a boy'. Or the anxiety I lived with when their was the possibility of DD4...an eternal tug of war in my head and heart is the only way to describe it.

    Blank is good, very good. Lots of room for lots of beautiful things, both known things and unknown. Now you get to watch the mystery unfold!
    Updated March 15th, 2015 at 10:40 PM by Adia
  2. ocean's Avatar
    Well said, Adia. Blank IS good. Focusing on the mystery is good.

    Well I for one think you're entitled to dream a little now about your life with a boy in it. :) Is it for self-protection that you're trying to keep that at bay?
  3. Adia's Avatar
    I am letting myself envision life with a little boy running around, although it has taken some serious self talk to let myself really believe that something I hoped and prayed for is really happening.
    Someone once said " you can have it all, just not all at once." I feel like that, however for so many years I sat back and wondered why so many things were so much harder for me than others so honestly accepting that one of my biggest hopes is actually happening has taken some time to sink in.

    And, just for the record, maturity is kicking in and I really don't care all that much that some things in life took so much more strain than they did for others. I have a great life and I am so grateful for all of it, the good, the bad, and the growth.

    I am your cheerleader ocean, hang in there and follow that dream!