i was married to a very abusive man for 8 years. i was young and stupid and i told myself, "you made your bed, now you lay in it." i thought if i was good if i didn't press his buttons if i kept the house clean and served all his meals and did what was expected of me in bed he would stop hitting me. that wasn't the case. i needed to provide a son. i tried. lord how i tried. 3 girls later he had enough and started an affair. he couldn't understand why he couldn't have a wife and a girlfriend. he honestly thought i was wrong. while in the middle of all this he hit our baby. she was only 2 but she had told him , "no" which sent him over the edge. so he hit her. i filed for divorce that afternoon.
the thing is i felt awful. he had spent years telling me no man would want a stupid woman with 3 worthless girls. nobody liked me. i was ugly and stupid and an awful wife. after 8 years you start to believe it but i realized even if i spent the rest of my life alone i was still happier while he was deployed to iraq. what wife prays for the tailban to win? i was a horribal person i know but i felt like such a coward. i took my 3 girls and moved out of state to start over. ex didn't stop me he was happily continuing the affair with the girlfriend whos husband was currently in iraq and stupidly thought if wife was at home alone waiting for him.
my husband was wrong. i remarried after a year. not all men cheat. my husband loves me. we had another daughter together and yes while i did try to give him the son i couldn't give my last husband i failed and im happy i failed. karma sucks. my ex husband lost his temper with his girlfriend and beat the crap out of her. she did what i was too much of a coward to do. she called the police. he was arrested and the military kicked him out. he moved back home to mommy and daddy but soon found a stupid child bride from the local college to marry him. now hes unemployed while she pays all the bills.
i won't lie to you. i yearned for a son. a little boy to call my own. i have seen little boys look at their mothers. from a strangers point of view. sometimes boy moms don't see it but i promise you your son looks at you like you hung the moon in the sky. my daughters are in love with my husband. their hearts belong to daddy. 10 weeks after my 4th daughter was born ( and my 3rd failed sway) i found out i was pregnant again. i knew it was my son. this was it. i had tried and tried for so long. god was rewarding me. i was a good person!
20 week ultrasound came... its another girl???? no!!! a 5th girl? where was my turn? why did all these ladies want girls and didn't even want a boy that i wanted more then words could say? it isn't fair!
i locked myself in the bathroom. i cried and cried. i hated my husband. i hated myself. i didn't want anything to do with the baby or the pregnancy anymore. i wished i wasn't even pregnant... god heard my prayers.
2 weeks later i went into labor. no idea why really. i had had 4 healthy children. my daughter Fiona was born. she weighed 15 ounces. her eyes were still fused. she was trying to cry but her little lungs weren't developed enough to allow this. so she simply opened and closed her mouth. she was kicking and moving her arms. 3 doctors stood in the room and i screamed at them to save my baby.. "im so sorry ma'am but she isn't considered viable until 24 or 25 weeks." and they left.... my husband and i screamed and cried. she was so tiny. they had left her. my darling baby girl held on for 2 hours. fighting her hardest to stay with me. but in the end she got very still and stopped moving. i pray everyday no mothers ever have to bury their children. the pain of lossing my daughter hurt so much but the guilt is what killed me. i had prayed for this to happen. i didn't want her. i should have been happy and felt blessed to have a 5th daughter. instead i felt acted like a spoiled child who didn't get her way.
i had a 6th daughter and now im probably pregnant with a 7th daughter but i love my 6th. i adore her. shes my miracle baby. no she can't ever replace her sister but she did heal me. and if this baby im carrying is another daughter then i can say im blessed again. a healthy/ full term baby is all that matters. and this baby will be loved and cherished reguardless of whats betweens its legs.