LilithWiser1979
It can't happen to me. It just can't.
by
, April 18th, 2014 at 10:54 AM (1610 Views)
I've all but convinced myself that this can't happen to me. When I think about having a daughter, it's the same day-dreamlike musing of someone contemplating winning the lottery. I think of all the wonderful aspects of not worrying and being depressed about it anymore, about the elation and ecstasy of finding out that my dream came true, of telling other people how I was SO lucky to get what I wanted most in the world... and then I come back to reality.
After making three boys, I just feel in my bones that this amazing reality wasn't meant for me. That maybe this state of mourning and yearning is leading me to some great life lesson that will shape my future. That I became a better, and more compassionate person, because of Gender Disappointment, and that I use that compassion to help whoever else I meet dealing with the same shame and guilt.
I want a daughter more than words can express. I realized, shortly after finding out DS1 was a boy, that all my dreams of motherhood involved a little girl. I want to raise a strong, independent young woman in much the same way I want to raise my boys to be gentle, respectful and kind. I want to highlight their abilities to be more than what gender stereotypes, norms and roles dictate for them. I want them to have expectations of the opposite sex (or maybe the same!) that lead them to find supportive, whole and complementary individuals for partners, and to be that for their partners, as well. I just wanted to experience doing this for both genders.
I missed my appointment with my therapist this week, due to a massive brain fart. I wish I'd gone. I always feel better getting these feelings out, crying a little about them, and getting feedback. I know life will go on if I find out this is another boy. I know I will eventually heal, and use this pain to propel me into something greater. I know I'll be a good mom, wife and woman. I know it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me if I can't produce a daughter. It doesn't mean I'm less feminine, womanly or motherly if I only have sons. I have to tell myself this often enough that maybe someday it'll really sink in and I'll truly believe it.
I've been telling myself those things for years. On good days, I believe them. On the other hand, telling myself that I have as good a chance as anyone else to be carrying a daughter right now just isn't going to happen. I don't have enough time left to convince myself, and I don't think I'd want to. Hope can be toxic.
Sorry to be so down. This blog just substituted for my counseling session this week.