So this is what it feels like.

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I found out the my Panorama results indicated a chromosomally healthy girl on Wednesday. I shook while I was on hold with the fetal medicine specialist. She didn't volunteer the sex, so I squeaked out the question. When she said "It looks like a female," I collapsed onto the bed. I squealed with joy, I danced around the house, and I rushed to my phone to text DH and my sister.

Since Wednesday, everything's been... different. I expected for the happiness, which I've had, but not the weird calm that came after. It's like, everything's okay now. I think this is what it feels like to stop having oppressive gender disappointment. It's like a weight being lifted off my chest, and being allowed to breathe fully for the first time in years.

I took my boys to Target today. For the first time in years, I didn't have to avoid the baby aisle for fear of seeing something heartbreakingly cute for a girl. For the first time, when the boys were loud and rowdy (just being kids, IMHO,) I wasn't concerned that someone might make a comment about them being "typical boys." If that comment had come, I would have had a completely different response than I'd have had last week. It would have been calm and logical ("Actually, they're being kids. My niece is nowhere near as well-behaved as they're being right now.") instead of emotional and leading to a breakdown later today ("Well I wanted a girl, but instead I have these gorgeous boys!")

I'm shocked at how zen I feel right now. I'm carrying the final member of my family. I'm carrying my female heir, and now I can do all the cute crafts and make all the adorable sundresses that I've never been able to justify before. My boys are my treasures, and I can stop looking at them and seeing anything resembling disappointment. They will always be my first- and secondborns. I can continue to read them my favorite stories, teach them to cook and draw, take them swimming and teach them the joy of hiking. It's just that now I don't feel the need to be defensive about keeping them out of organized team sports, painting their nails or letting them grow their hair long. I will still ALWAYS defend their rights to be allowed to take joy in anything girls do, but now I feel like I'm okay with letting them do some of the things boys stereotypically do, too. I had a hard time letting DS1 cut his hair short, and now I can't imagine giving a shorter haircut a second thought. DS2 has been going through a trucks and robots phase, which I'd been resisting. I wanted to point him toward dinosaurs, pirates, space exploration and animals (boy-oriented/gender neutral themes I find acceptable,) and now I couldn't care less if every Lego creation he makes is a robot or a truck. They're not my kids taking the place of my daughter anymore. They're my sons. My daughter is coming.

More than anything, I don't want to become that woman who had GD, got what she wanted, then came to the conclusion that getting her DG made no difference and that everyone who still has GD should "buck up" and be thankful for what they have. I am riding my wave of bliss now, but GD has left me with scars. I know they'll lessen with time, but I want my experience to not have been in vain. It was a very valuable life lesson, and I want to keep that compassion and empathy for women (and men) experiencing crippling GD. It's important to me to never lose sight of how deep my darkness went, and how not everyone is lucky enough to get what they wanted. Everyone's GD is valid. No one can help how they feel, and shaming them, especially when they already feel like the lowest, most awful parent ever for feeling that way, is going to help them out of it. I needed therapy to get to a place where I could even sway. It was SO helpful, and helped my grieve and get through the worst of it. It was WORK, and I'm not sure I'd be where I am today without it. I want to always remember that I had help getting where I am today, and to help other people see that it's okay to get help for healing and happiness.

After having said all this, I just hope that Panorama result was correct!


  1. nuthinbutpink's Avatar
    Great post!
  2. MatildaMai's Avatar
    Yep. You got it. That's exactly what it feels like when the GD lifts, its like it 'frees you' and enables you to focus on whats really important. Zib, Glory and I were at dinner a while back talking about how sometimes it feels like 'all that GD stuff' happened to another person a lifetime ago. The memories of it will fade but it absolutely leaves scars. And thats ok. In fact I wouldn't want it any other way. I worried that I would be super overprotective of my DD. But I don't treat her any different. She's precious but no more so than my other kids. I sometimes wish I got to spend more one on one time with her as she is growing up so fast. What is amazing is how these GD babies just fit right in once they get here. Like they've always been here and were always meant to be. If only they knew! MMx
  3. sugarNspice's Avatar
    Have to say, I've spent years (mostly but not entirely futile) trying to interest my girls in trucks and robots. Though I've never had GD, I've still had--and gotten really invested in--fantasies about gender roles, and what raising strong 'feminist' daughters should be like. GD or no, sometimes it's hard to let go and let them be their own person--even if that person is more into pink frilly things or "being pretty" than you might like.
    Great post--and so happy for your Panorama results.
  4. foxymrsg's Avatar
    Beautiful post! You need to stop making me cry seriously! Lol! I can't believe how unbelievably happy I feel for people on here when they get their DG! Congrats again! Hope you'll post a pic of the first girly outfit you buy!! Lol
  5. Kittybear's Avatar
    Massive congratulations Hun! I hope I get to experience your 'calmness' 1 day as well xx
  6. aidansmum's Avatar
    Beautiful words Lilith! I am so beyond happy for you! I felt the same way, broke down crying on the phone, making the poor lady repeat it three times before it sank in, I danced around and cried tears of pure joy and went out the next day with my 3 year old and walked that little pink aisle without any sadness or any feelings of emptiness for the first time in my life. What a feeling! And after all the exhilarating feelings, calmness followed. It is a journey one will never forget and a reason for all to keep believing it can happen. Enjoy your pink bump x
  7. Mathilde's Avatar
    Thank you! That is exactly how I imagine it to feel:) Gives me great motivation. Thank you again and soooo good luck:)
  8. WantingPink's Avatar
    I too cried when I found out my DNA results of DD1. I remember being on the phone with the MA and putting the phone on speaker so my DH could hear. I looked at DH and said "Ready to hear we hare having a 3rd boy"? The MA came back on the phone and said "It's a girl". I was so happy and squealed and laughed and asked her to repeat it. When I got off the phone I hugged DH and started sobbing tears.

    The calmness is a great feeling. The sadness, anxiousness, resentful, angry feelings all just disappear in an instant... it is almost unsettling. Seeing mothers with their daughters brings joy instead of tears. Seeing girl moms gather in the school yard doesn't feel so isolating. I too have found that I don't feel the need (or want) to paint my boys nails or put mascara on their ridiculously long eyelashes.

    I too have vowed never to be the Mom that would ever shame someone for not getting their GD. I always want to stay compassionate to those who are hurting from GD. It is a real thing and it feels crippling at times and I don't want to be someone who further twists that knife.

    It is a great feeling so enjoy it!! Go buy all the girly stuff you always wanted to. Shop till your hearts content. Having a DD is everything I thought it would be and more. Don't feel any shame for being so happy that you are getting your DD!!
  9. 1+2+3boys's Avatar
    Thank you so much for posting this. It gave my heart warm fuzzies. I actually printed it! The way you describe it, my difficult dream seems really worth fighting for.

    And congratulations of coarse, I am very pleased for you