LilithWiser1979
Doesn't feel real yet.
by
, June 5th, 2014 at 12:17 PM (3038 Views)
This all feels like a beautiful dream. I've been happily looking at sewing patterns for bonnets and sundresses, planning to make my daughter a Waldorf weighted doll for her first birthday, looking into woven wraps (I am in LOVE with Girasols in Northern Lights and Wrapsody Bali Breeze in Luna,) and overall just planning a colorful rainbow theme for her stuff.
Her.
Her stuff. My daughter. My girl. I almost never say it out loud because it feels like I might jinx it.
It's completely silly. I have total confidence in my Panorama results, and I know the odds of human error, or mixing up my results with someone else's are beyond miniscule. Still, I can't shake the feeling that after all this time I'm not meant to be this lucky.
It's weird how I'm completely paranoid about this baby's health in a way I have never been before. It's as if I con't possibly make a healthy girl, but if it was a boy, I'd know for certain that I'd make it to the delivery room with a completely healthy baby whose health I'd never have worried about. It's especially absurd because I lost the last boy I carried at 11 1/2 weeks, just as I was getting my MaterniT21 results.
I have my NT scan on Monday, when I'll be 13 weeks and 2 days. I'm looking forward to seeing an intact brain and all her little parts where they should be. I wonder if I'll be more confident then? Maybe not. Maybe I'll then worry until the anatomy scan. After that, maybe I'll worry about bizarre complications like a twisted cord (I have a friend who lost a baby girl at 28 weeks this way) or a delivery complication.
Who knows. I'm TRYING to enjoy this, but none of it feels real... yet.