mydream
I am just so sad
by
, December 11th, 2011 at 05:04 PM (2397 Views)
After 3 long cycles of IVF and getting one 24 chromosome normal girl for FET, my journey has ended. I have gotten the dreadful BFN on HPT. I am going for beta tomorrow with little hope that some divine intervention will take over.
At this point, I have been sobbing for 2 days. 1 day I just stayed in bed the entire day. Why me? why didn't this work. Talk about a blow to your self esteem. Here I had this normal embryo put into an optimal lining and nothing. Now all I get to do is walk away with NOTHING but less $ in the bank and a gaping hole in my heart. I don't' know how I will ever be able to move on. YOu see, life will go on but my heart will NEVER MOVE ON! To me that is a big difference. I feel like I was basically told NO by GOD loud and clear or is it just the universe isn't on my side for this. I am stuck with the guilt I have of making the choice to do this and getting nothing, the choice I made to take time away from being with my precious boys b/c of dr. appts, not feeling well, moodiness at times, etc.
I can never get those moments back. Today I heard my ds1 ask dh where mommy was and then immediately said "is she in bed not feeling well again"..I mean how sad is that. I am done with the HT roller coaster, the emotions, the money, the time wasted. DONE! It hurts to know that I may never get a chance to be a mom to a dd and for me that equals I just must not be good enough. I hope that some day I can find peace.