mydream

I am just so sad

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After 3 long cycles of IVF and getting one 24 chromosome normal girl for FET, my journey has ended. I have gotten the dreadful BFN on HPT. I am going for beta tomorrow with little hope that some divine intervention will take over.
At this point, I have been sobbing for 2 days. 1 day I just stayed in bed the entire day. Why me? why didn't this work. Talk about a blow to your self esteem. Here I had this normal embryo put into an optimal lining and nothing. Now all I get to do is walk away with NOTHING but less $ in the bank and a gaping hole in my heart. I don't' know how I will ever be able to move on. YOu see, life will go on but my heart will NEVER MOVE ON! To me that is a big difference. I feel like I was basically told NO by GOD loud and clear or is it just the universe isn't on my side for this. I am stuck with the guilt I have of making the choice to do this and getting nothing, the choice I made to take time away from being with my precious boys b/c of dr. appts, not feeling well, moodiness at times, etc.
I can never get those moments back. Today I heard my ds1 ask dh where mommy was and then immediately said "is she in bed not feeling well again"..I mean how sad is that. I am done with the HT roller coaster, the emotions, the money, the time wasted. DONE! It hurts to know that I may never get a chance to be a mom to a dd and for me that equals I just must not be good enough. I hope that some day I can find peace.
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  1. nuthinbutpink's Avatar
    I'm so sorry to read this. I know this is an open wound and raw right now but you will feel better. You will move on and you will get back on course.

    I don't know why our prayers are not answered. You cannot think of this as wasted time and energy though. It wasn't. You had the courage to go after something you wanted and you did it to the best of your ability. I am certain that if one of your boys tried something and did not succeed, you would not feel that they are not good enough! No way! I also know that you would not want them to be sad if their life doesn't go exactly the way they want it.

    You have to find a way through this and I know you can do it. If it means leaving here and turning your focus to something more productive, than do it. I know you have a lot in your life to be thankful. I know that this is a huge setback and it will be difficult to get back up and get on with it. But, as you know, your boys need you, your DH needs you. They don't look at you like you are not good enough so neither should you.

    Take time to grieve. It is a real loss and you deserve time to grieve. I hope you are able to come out of it though with some perspective and I do hope you find peace.

    We are all good enough.
  2. tash's Avatar
    Hello my heart breaks for you, I to have just had a loss my partner and I have 4 sons we flew overseas to have a girl, we had such a bumpy road with the ivf due to my husdbands sperm :( but i was exstatic when we had to female embryos :)

    I was in perfect health all was great for pregnancy, but my dreams were shattered when i lost both girls, i know heart break and pain well, im so sorry for you my heart goes out to you xx

    I will continue to fight the ban in australia and i will try again in 2012, I loved my baby girls and I will always remember how much I wanted them to be in our lives :0)
  3. mydream's Avatar
    I am just reading this now I am so deeply sorry for your loss ! I pray that you are ok and that you are able to try again. For me, HT is over. There are no more tries. I won't put my family or myself through it. I am beginning to find peace and will hopefully try on my own on the coming months and just trust the universe. It's all I can do at this point.