We went out this afternoon, mainly to get the boys out as they wouldn't stop squabbling, but for some fresh air. Its the longest time I've not cried, but as we turned up, accidentally, at a family event, I felt sick and my stomach turned each time I saw a little girl.

We came home and I desperately wanted to drown my sorrows, dull the pain with alcohol, but as I stood in front of the liquor cabinet I couldn't bring myself to get anything out. She's still alive, still in me, still ...

I always thought people mainly went to church for the community, I obviously understood that they have a belief in a higher being, but could never understand why. How could they believe in someone who let so much bad happen and pass it off as 'god works in mysterious ways' or it was because of man's free will. I still don't understand that, especially now. How can a little girl, so longed for, be made so ill? How can a mother go through half her pregnancy to then be told her child is going to be ...

I didn't think I'd be writing this, but I knew things were too good to be true, we'd sold our old house, hubby was sailing through an interview process for a perfect job, and we were finally getting our little girl - I just knew something would topple, everything was too right. Heck, I even jinxed myself! Every pregnancy I've been careful not to get too carried away, and not to buy things too early, what could I expect! I bought bundles of clothes, we'd chosen a name, I imagined my life with a ...