Tuesday 19th April 2013

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I didn't think I'd be writing this, but I knew things were too good to be true, we'd sold our old house, hubby was sailing through an interview process for a perfect job, and we were finally getting our little girl - I just knew something would topple, everything was too right. Heck, I even jinxed myself! Every pregnancy I've been careful not to get too carried away, and not to buy things too early, what could I expect! I bought bundles of clothes, we'd chosen a name, I imagined my life with a daughter...more fool me.

Today we saw our little girl, the little one that has been kicking me non-stop for the last two weeks. She was hiding her face and had her hands over her head. We saw her stretching her legs and the bright white spine. The sonographer took the measurements and kept complaining she was in an awkward position. Then I asked the fatal question "is she ok?".

There were concerns we were told. Her head was swollen, and the sonographer couldn't look at her heart properly because of the awkward position. We were told to go get a drink and hopefully baby would move.

Although, when we returned, we weren't sent back to the scan room, we were ushered into an office. The head midwife sat us down, we weren't getting another ultrasound.

Our little girl, Evelyn Rose, has an enlarged head, fluid round her tummy, and something is showing on her bladder and kidneys. The four chambers of the heart couldn't be seen clearly either. They think it might be Edwards Syndrome or something similar. There was no glimmer of hope that the midwife gave, no sign that this could just be 'one of those things' that might resolve itself. She handed me tissues and said she was sorry.

I am booked in for a scan by the consultant on Tuesday, and they'll also do an amnio, but I knew things were too good to be true, I knew for years deep down that I couldn't have girls, now once again in my life someone is taking great enjoyment in snatching that dream away from me.

We always said that we couldn't cope with a disabled child, we personally don't have the strength, and I don't have the mental strength to deal with it.

Most babies with Edwards Syndrome aren't born living, if they are, then life expectancy is 5-15 days.

I can't face that, I really can't. If the results come back with anything but normal that I can't continue this pregnancy. Yes, I'm weak and I'm sorry if it upsets anyone, but it would break my heart beyond repair.