20th April 2013

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I always thought people mainly went to church for the community, I obviously understood that they have a belief in a higher being, but could never understand why. How could they believe in someone who let so much bad happen and pass it off as 'god works in mysterious ways' or it was because of man's free will. I still don't understand that, especially now. How can a little girl, so longed for, be made so ill? How can a mother go through half her pregnancy to then be told her child is going to be severely brain damaged or have a nasty genetic condition? That still doesn't seem like something anyone with any compassion would do.

But I can understand why people come. I was drawn to church this morning, I felt a need to sit in the church yard. I felt I needed the help of a higher being, someone to listen to me, help me, help my baby and take away the ache that's deep in my chest. It physically hurts, I can't stop the tears and I can't stop the questions. My head hurts with information I've read and all the questions I still have.

What are we supposed to do? I've read countless miracle stories where babies are born with this condition and survive with no ill effects. But what if we're not one of those miracles, what if our girl is severely brain damaged? Not only is her quality of life horrible, then ours is too. It would affect our whole family, not just my husband, my sons and I but our parents, friends, everything. Yes, we're selfish, we like nice holidays, meals out, our time. I honestly couldn't cope with a highly dependant brain damaged child. I'd be the one too, my husband works, my boys will be at school. It would be me, and i am not strong enough!

But am I strong enough to kill our child knowing that she might be a miracle? How can I live with that thought for the rest of my life? Constantly wondering? My little girl who I've dreamed of, struggled for, who kicks me most of the time, reminding me she's there?

Yes, I can understand why people come to church, to believe that someone higher than them might take away this hurting, to try and believe they have an all Devine plan.