20th April 2013 - evening

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We went out this afternoon, mainly to get the boys out as they wouldn't stop squabbling, but for some fresh air. Its the longest time I've not cried, but as we turned up, accidentally, at a family event, I felt sick and my stomach turned each time I saw a little girl.

We came home and I desperately wanted to drown my sorrows, dull the pain with alcohol, but as I stood in front of the liquor cabinet I couldn't bring myself to get anything out. She's still alive, still in me, still protected by me. My lovely husband saw me breakdown and offered me a non alcoholic shandy.

I don't know how to deal with his pain, and he's been so good with the children; I don't want them near me right now, I feel so guilty, but it hurts to look at then, know their excitement for their baby sister is going to be ruined. I don't know how to tell them?

Why are we in that 1%? Why has this happened to us? Everything was so perfect at the 13 week scan? How could I not protect her? How am I supposed to lie their whole they stop her heart?