ocean

Why I'm doing this

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by
ocean
, January 3rd, 2014 at 11:43 PM (1039 Views)
I am in flux. I fluctuate between obsessing over and trying to ignore the IVF process I'm in. I fluctuate between thinking this won't work and thinking it might. I fluctuate between being able and unable to think about my friends who have or are having girls. I fluctuate between pain and hope.

As that's what's driving this for me, the reason d'être, the reason this blog exists. I do not have a daughter, but I deeply want one. In my heart of hearts, I don't (really) think I'll ever have one. It's hard to imagine what she would look like. I see flashes of images - a baby girl in a hospital bassinet, me reading to 3 kids instead of 2, my son ooh'ing over a baby girl. But I also have an internal pessimism that comes from low self-esteem, and it's hard to believe a dream like this could actually come true for me.

I've worked hard in my life thus far - college/grad school, long hours in a stressful job I don't often enjoy. That hard work is enabling this quest, including financially, though of course the money is still hard to swallow.

This whole blog is an interesting experience. I'm not expecting comments, though would be happy to get them. I'm writing this like a diary to capture my thoughts - for myself - later on. If it works, I want to humbly appreciate the miracle-of-miracles that would be. If it doesn't, I'll need this record.

I am doing this for many reasons, some of them nobler than others.
- I want to experience raising a daughter. I want to hold a baby girl in my arms and see her grow up into whoever she's supposed to be. I imagined having daughters before I started having children - and so did my husband. I grew up with a sister and it's been a defining factor of my life. Now I hope for just one girl, who will have no sisters if I have her.
- I desperately want my sons to have a sister, and my husband a daughter. I deeply feel they all need that, and would gain so much from it. My husband would be an amazing father to a girl - loving, sweet, inspirational.
- I want to appreciate my boys for all their amazing boy-ness as they get older, balanced out with the girl-ness of a daughter.
- My family has a strong preference for girls, which makes me sad, but is what it is. They love my children but preferences are preferences. I feel 'less than' somehow when I'm around them, my being the mom with only boys.
- I'm learning to hate the over-genderification of kids clothes, toys, everything. I want to be able to buy what I want in stores, to have no section off limits.
- The less pleasant reason to admit: I also want normalcy in my life. Not having a daughter makes me feel inadequate when I'm talking with moms of daughters. Now that's MY thoughts in MY head, not theirs. And I'm in therapy and will be working through them. But for now, it's there.

There are more reasons. But as much as there are reasons, there's also a resigned sadness in me as I type this. If only gender didn't matter to me. I'm ridiculously over-educated, a professional working mother, happily married, with two children who take my breath away with their beauty and sweetness. And yet I can't stop thinking about gender - it can be all-consuming, which acts as if the rest of my life isn't as valuable. I want this all behind me, one way or the other.

Updated January 3rd, 2014 at 11:49 PM by ocean

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High Tech Gender Selection

Comments

  1. Jany1025's Avatar
    OMG, I am hysterical this brought up all my GD feelings, and your reasons are ALL the reasons I want/wanted a DD!! I also wish there was something I could have done to just feel normal again, but I don't think any therapy or meds could have done anything for me, hence the reason I cycled a million times....
    My heart goes out to you and hope that you get that DD!!
  2. ocean's Avatar
    Thank you Jany - as usual you make me feel much less alone. And less selfish, if I'm not the only one feeling these feelings. The feeling of selfishness nearly kept me from starting HT - and now it just sits in the background, making me feel guilty.

    It's that 'feeling normal' that I want. I want GDe out of my brain / consciousness / life. I want to right my imbalanced ship. Hoping I get there, somehow...
  3. MatildaMai's Avatar
    Ocean - I could have written your blog a couple of years ago. I'm a corporate lawyer. 3 uni degrees. I have a loving husband, 3 awesome step kids, beautiful twin boys just starting school and so about to give me back a little freedom and yet I couldn't shake the need for a daughter. So many of the women I was on my HT journey with on this site were in v similar situations. Over achievers, well educated, living blessedly comfortable lives. I think there is a perfectionist streak that drives some of us in our quest for a daughter.

    I also had a less pleasant reason - to try and remedy the mother/daughter rel'ship I have with my own mother which has been disappointing and continues to be so. We just don't get each other. And I really felt the absence of that bond not having had a sister.

    Don't give up on the dream. You are not selfish and you shouldn't feel guilty. The heart wants what it wants. HT can work. I think if it doesn't after 3 cycles then its time to step back and evaluate where you are and how much you are willing to commit. I probably spent around $40k all up. And she was worth all that and more. Good luck. MMx
  4. ocean's Avatar
    MM - Thank you thank you for writing that. I feel like I can't get a handle on who's on here - many seem to be SAHMs, some clearly work - but it's comforting knowing I'm not the only over-worked, over-educated etc etc person on here! As I do feel like an oddity at times, that I can't manage to be satisfied with this ridiculously blessed life. That perfectionist streak - know it all too well. I'll try to think of this quest in the terms you gave, 'I couldn't shake the need for a daughter.' That's just what it feels like, as I can't seem to logic/reason/negotiate myself out of this one. I just FEEL, and am taking more action based on these feelings than I can almost believe!

    You have the most beautiful daughter - she must take your breath away! If I was ever in the position of saying 'her' and 'she' and meaning my actual daughter, I don't think I'd ever be able to shake the feeling of sheer amazement.
    Updated January 7th, 2014 at 11:23 PM by ocean
  5. Orchidia's Avatar
    Ocean, I just discovered your blog and wanted to say thank you, for putting into words exactly how I feel and think. You write very well (better than me) and I can absolutely relate to almost everything in your situation. It def helps to analyse our feelings and putnthem in writing, even if some things are hard to admit. I also tried therapy to rid myself of GD(e), but alas, it didn't work. I also have two boys and am pupo with one XX. I oscillate between hopeful/happy and scared it won't lead to a dd.