Sometimes GD/GDe is not the root of the problem

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This GD/GDe world we live in is one of high highs and low lows….the 'middle' doesn't seem to exist. And those low lows can bring terrible suffering, as we all know. I was off gender sites for a while taking care of the rest of my life and wanted to share what I found helped. The GDe crusade - including the repetitive crusade of HT - allowed me to mask other issues, but that only works for so long.

Things I changed:

- Got a new job that's better for me. This took a year to make happen and it's not perfect but nothing ever will be. One positive of work is that it keeps my obsessive side (hello GDe) from taking over my life. If I'm going to obsess/ruminate/over-focus on something, let me at least be paid for it.
- Prioritizing sleep....GDe is so much worse without sleep, and as hard as I know it can be for us moms to put sleep first, for me it's the lever on which my outlook on life depends
- Disabled my Facebook account. It was a habit that NEVER made me happy and exacerbated my GDe terribly. When I left, people didn't notice, ask or care…if they had, I would've just said I have no time for it. After many months the drug is gone from my system, and I never think of it now. One of the best things I've done for my sanity and I strongly encourage it.
- I'd already been seeing a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT) as some of you know from an older blog
- Began practicing mindfulness, and I think it could be a revelation in my life. Among the problems with GD/GDe is we're convinced our lives will be better/perfect if we can just get this one piece of the picture in place, and without it, we're unhappy. Mindfulness teaches us to accept ourselves with loving kindness, experience Right Now, and not avoid our fears or frustrations. I'm a newbie at it, but it's like physical exercise - it takes practice to see results.

For those that know my history, I have not transferred. I have no date for a transfer. I will someday, some day this year, but I have more work to do first. The answer to my happiness can not be that transfer, as its outcome is the flip of a coin.

I believe I'm not the only one on here suffering for reasons beyond GD/GDe, and focusing on those reasons can be very important no matter - or despite of - your HT or swaying outcome.

Updated January 29th, 2015 at 11:02 PM by ocean



  1. Almost Complete's Avatar
    Ocean, you never cease to amaze me. Your self reflection skills are NEVER achieved by most.
  2. ocean's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Almost Complete;bt3548]Ocean, you never cease to amaze me. Your self reflection skills are NEVER achieved by most.[/QUOTE]

    AC - This comment meant SO much to me. Thank you, friend. I am so very happy you're back on here, for however long you decide to be as a busy mom of 3! You inspire people - as you've done for me - and would continue to do so for those going through this.
  3. coralsky's Avatar
    Totally agree AC, you are amazing ocean! I know exactly what you mean about the sleep thing, that is sooo true for me too! (And I have never bothered with FB either ;)) but what you said about mindfulness totally resonated with me, so THANK YOU!! :heart:
    Makes so much sense I am going to try and practice this skill too xxxx
  4. 1+2+3boys's Avatar
    I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well for yourself and think I need to do some things that you have done/ are doing. I already stopped Facebook 3-4 months ago. It was not because of GD but that was a bonus. I'm a lot happier since stopping and I hardly find myself missing it. I hear ladies at playgroup talking about it and I think "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this crap." The time involved before I now spend doing other things and it makes me alot happier. My levels of GD greatly depend on my happiness in life. I know the feelings of high and low and no in between. I just started the process of getting a diagnosis for ADD. I don't need to go into full detail but my Mum and Brother have been diagnosed recently and my whole life I have struggled with short term memory, getting organised and focusing on a task to the point where when it is worse, depression becomes a symptom. I either seem to feel on top of the world or quite down and it seems no in between and it is often the same with my GD.
    I just need to focus on being happy.

    The last couple of days I have been more on top of things than usual (and trying hard to be at that point) It was hard work but I feel great about myself and since I am happier and not drowning in things that I need to get done and living in a pig sty I am enjoying the boys more thus adoring them even more. I have felt like a great Mum and being totally smitten by them most of the time instead of struggling through the long day feeling like their slave. They behave better when I am happier. I am feeling so lucky ( today and yesterday) that I have not been thinking much about not having a girl. This is what I need to focus on right now because it is not possible to get her for at least 1-2 years if we are lucky and that is a long time to be in limbo.

    I think the internet in general is not good for me because I have little self control to not spend too much time on it. I have only had it at night lately and it is alot better but I think I need to cut my time on GD website more while I am in a good state of mind and come back when I can actually start following my plan. I'm not giving up on my dream but life has more important things to worry about right now.

    Best of luck to you with your FET! I love reading your blogs
  5. ocean's Avatar
    123 - I think your self introspection is valuable and productive. GD sites are good for me when I have action on my mind in the near term. But when I don't- like last fall - they do more harm than good, they drain my focus to something currently unproductive and I rarely end up happier afterward. When you know it's more a habit than it is helpful, and especially since you're happier and doing better in the rest of your life, that's when (I've found) it's good to evaluate the habit for a while. Good for you for looking into the diagnosis too - you sounded healthy and optimistic in your post, which is so great to see!!!

    Coralsky - i so recommend mindfulness practice, interested to know what you think!

    Thank you both for reading and commenting!!!
    Updated February 3rd, 2015 at 08:19 AM by ocean
  6. pink_bean's Avatar
    Thank you for this! I know my GD is really my focal point for the depression I'm feeling in my life. And I am also extremely sleep deprived. Everything you said was very helpful, thank you! All the best to you!