Ocean,

I have been meaning to write a thoughtful response to your last entry on a real computer versus my phone with all the typos. So much in it is right on BUT I personally have not made those changes. Still my daughter had brought me unbelievable happiness. I'm not sure if it's related to her gender or her happy, content, sweet disposition. I very much want this for you. If this transfer doesn't work is another cycle totally out of the question? Is postponing the transfer a way to keep the possibility real as opposed to a transfer/BFN making a life with no DD a definite? I see you peraeverate like me. It is awful!

Its good to see you writing again Ocean! I have missed you. I am praying that your transfer comes soon and that it brings you peace.

You know what I say! TRANSFER!! It will never be the perfect time perfect season perfect anything...You know that another cycle is not out of the question and so that could be of some ease to your anxiety. I really don't think you will need another cycle. I remember once dreaming I was pregnant in the middle of all my cycles and when I woke up I looked down at my stomach and wanted to cry.
Another time when I was deciding between going back to Braverman or finalizing my agreement with SIRM I dreamt that Dr. Browne called me and told me I was pregnant. I had never dreamt of any doctor calling me with this. Well you know the outcome to that.
I will tell you a secret last week I dreamt I was in her office and her assistant told me I had a "healthy" female embryo. I keep playing that dream over and over in my mind... Remember always dream and keep reaching my love! Get your daughter! XOXO

Jany, AC, you've given me something to really think about - and I am. There is no perfect time. And yes, me delaying keeps the possibility real. Though I know this is unfair, I blame myself for my bfn - I didn't sleep enough, I didn't de-stress enough, I worked right up until transfer and then was back at work the next morning. And though I know I'll do it all differently this time, it's terrifying to risk that pain again.

I can and would cycle again, but I'm also nearing 39. Though yes AC that's a real option, I just have to hope for the luck of my previous cycles. And then for my older eggs to stick where/if my younger ones didn't.

Jany you always always boost my confidence. You're the role model for going after dreams!

Adia - Thank you so much for reading. Peace would be so welcome.

So much of this is just a crap shoot. You are NOT to blame. Some post transfer suggestions are just plain silly. Go get your baby girl. If this one doesn't stick you've gotta quickly get back on it before you get any older. You will have her!!! The sooner you get her the more time you'll have to enjoy her in this lifetime.

Our personalities are not going to change. I'd like to think we are too smart or at least introspective to be blissfully happy people. I will always be an anxious, stressed out, hot mess. It's just so much more tolerable when my baby girl is laughing at me.

Sorry about typos, breastfeeding and typing on phone.

Remember my little girl is FET two with no real change in anything.

[QUOTE=Almost Complete;bt3560] Our personalities are not going to change. I'd like to think we are too smart or at least introspective to be blissfully happy people. I will always be an anxious, stressed out, hot mess. It's just so much more tolerable when my baby girl is laughing at me.[/QUOTE]

AC I think about you and Hopeanddreamg a LOT. How hard - how unspeakably hard - those first bfn's were. And then in FET two, what seemed like was always destined to happen did happen, for both of you. I also think about the women who's second FETs didn't work. It is a nearly nauseating feeling to know that I will be in one of those two camps, and that my future self will know that with certainty at some point.

Your comment above makes a shocking amount of sense. In a way I haven't thought about before. What if we are too introspective to be blissfully happy b/c there's always more to evaluate/ponder/question in our live. Maybe the daily anxiety and stress we've always felt isn't something we should be trying to make 'go away'. I think I can make a dent, hopefully a big one, in how I feel about life, from the steps I'm taking. But if we're wired in such a way that the bliss we daydream about isn't a reality our brains will really allow, then taking steps to make daily life more tolerable or happy is a lot of what we CAN do. Hmm. More for my brain to ponder...

I didn't tell anyone about that dream I wrote about here on Feb 1st, I mean it's only a deam right? Well it came true :) and I hope with all of my heart yours does too! Xoxo

Xoxo Jany, hoping with all my heart for both of us!