ocean

Surprise! A friend is having my DG

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ocean
, February 7th, 2015 at 12:07 PM (5323 Views)
A friend I barely see surprised me by email a week ago - she's finally pregnant (yeah! after years of trying!). I congratulate her! She writes back and we're giddy as school girls again! She's farther along than I realized! And then pinned at the end of her next mail is "Oh and it's a girl!"

Yep. That particular flush of heat and emotion we all know so well goes coursing through my body. An instant mind-altering flash, followed by stark reality. The conversations I have with this woman for the rest of our lives will reference her daughter. I am going through (a lot) and it just 'happened' for her. A couple hours later I realize I'll be invited to the baby shower.

Also on my mind is how she had said a long while ago that if she got pregnant she'd 'probably have a boy', in a bet-hedging tone.

The reason I'm writing this blog now, and not right when it happened, is because I've already written on gender sites about my first reaction. The first reaction SUCKS - zero surprise there.

But that's less interesting to me than what I'm feeling now, after a little time and some thought.

1. From my CBT therapy - I am projecting her feelings, including her tone.
2. Even if I'm right about how she feels, she has NO idea what it will feel like when she's a parent, and how if she did have a boy, she'd love him to the ends of her soul. She could just never know that.
3. The children I have make me deliriously happy in the grand scheme of things, and I am grateful beyond belief that I have them.
4. She has her path to take, and I have mine.
5. As much as my emotional brain might try to link them, those paths simply have nothing to do with each other. This woman takes up 0.001% of my thoughts…so don't make this a bigger deal in my life than it is.
6. I would never take her life over mine. That boyfriend, the no money, etc etc….nope. Before I go and fester and suffer and make myself miserable, take a glance at the bigger picture.
7. Ocean - keep your eye on your kids, your life, and your goal. Get centered again. Yes, the ship got rocked a little from the surprise. But get back on course.

I am beginning to think about when I'll transfer. I am fearful. More than that - I'm terrified. I keep reading FET success tips online and different peoples' advice, which all tells me what I already know. If I face another great sadness this time, I WILL cycle again, though it's sort of cold comfort since we all know outcomes can never be predicted.

But I simply can't go forward by standing in place.

Updated February 16th, 2015 at 04:37 PM by ocean

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Comments

  1. ImmiNAddi's Avatar
    Hugs and strength to you xox :bighug:
  2. MatildaMai's Avatar
    Ah! Its always tough. Even when you have XXs on ice waiting for you. I waited 7 long months before attempting a transfer. I had 2 XXs and it was DH who insisted we wait but that limbo period was excruciating. Taking the leap to transfer is seriously terrifying. It will work - or it wont. And really there's probably not a huge amount you can do to influence the outcome or take control. There's acupuncture and pineapple etc to maximise blood flow to the uterus. Medication or non-medicated -just go with what the clinic does best and monitor monitor monitor. Don't go ahead unless the lining is good and your hormone levels are right.

    The only thing you CAN 100% control is your reaction to whatever it is that happens. You have that power. Remember that. MMx
  3. Adia's Avatar
    As much as we try to move past it, I think hearing someone else get our DG is always a kick in the gut to some extent. I will admit it is easier now that I am having my DG, but I still feel a pang of disappointment every time I hear of those who got their DG, or their prescribed pattern of genders without effort and without the obvious grieving and longing process we have all gone through.
    Big hugs my friend. Your future is bright and hopeful!
  4. ocean's Avatar
    Mmx!! As usual, sage advise. This gives me a good roadmap - there are some things I can and will do, but the vast majority of this is beyond my control. Except that this time I'll be more mentally prepared. I went into my first transfer truly believing it would work. Almost no matter what I did or didn't do, I had this solid inner faith that it would. I had pictured that particular embryo becoming a baby. For this next time, I'm wiser. So far I'm not overly sure, I'm not overly negative. And as you said, my reaction is entirely within my control.

    Adia - Thank you dear friend. It must be a bit interesting to have both your new experience and your old gut reactions happening at the same time.

    Groovy - thank you so much for reading for for the support!
  5. Almost Complete's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Adia;bt3565]As much as we try to move past it, I think hearing someone else get our DG is always a kick in the gut to some extent. I will admit it is easier now that I am having my DG, but I still feel a pang of disappointment every time I hear of those who got their DG, or their prescribed pattern of genders without effort and without the obvious grieving and longing process we have all gone through.
    Big hugs my friend. Your future is bright and hopeful![/QUOTE]

    You aren't kidding. I had thought the feeling would be gone with the arrival of my DD. It is just too ingrained. I still feel the pang. I too am jealous that it came easy, naturally or that some even have more than one DD. I still secretly hope that everyone that is pregnant is having a boy. I have no idea why. I am actually a generous person. If I had cancer, I cannot imagine wishing that on someone. GD has just become such a big part of me. It is something that for me at least has not completely disappeared with my DD.

    Ocean- in all my sickness I do wish you a DD since you've already felt GD ;)--Yup, I'm nuts. You have a plan. Go get her! Then look back on all of these friends and acquaintances and know that yours is more. Yours is a million tears, dreams, shots, dollars, conversations, letters typed. Yours will be your miracle. Yours will be the child you have wanted from the depths of your core to the vastness of your dreams. YOURS WILL BE MORE.
  6. ocean's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Almost Complete;bt3567] Yours is a million tears, dreams, shots, dollars, conversations, letters typed. Yours will be your miracle. Yours will be the child you have wanted from the depths of your core to the vastness of your dreams. YOURS WILL BE MORE.[/QUOTE]

    Took a big breath after reading this. That feels just right - this WOULD be More on so many dimensions. Including being a miracle I can't fathom. And sort of wonder if I even deserve, that's how much of a miracle it would be.

    I love having you back on here, AC, however and whenever you can squeeze in minutes. Your perspective is a deep one, and I've missed it!