ocean

Deep dread for FET #2

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Woke up this morning with a heavy heart. You know that feeling….the head-bowing, rounded shoulder, already-sunk feeling that takes up your whole chest.

I'm preparing for FET #2. I'm not really imagining any outcome right now - it working or not - because the first I can't believe is possible, and the second makes me want to throw up.

If it doesn't work, there will be so very much to regret. If it does work…. well, I can't even complete the sentence. That path literally looks blank and unimaginable to me.

I know that I shouldn't be seeing things as so dire, so final. Mmx gave me valuable advice to remember that I 100% control how I respond to what happens. Jany and AC gave me SUCH important context to think about, and I'm so glad they did, or I wouldn't be here.

The full arc of HT, in all its high low peak valley forward backward glorious horrible glory. I have thrown myself to this beast and now I'm deep in the jaws.

It's really just time to pray.

Updated March 11th, 2015 at 11:23 PM by ocean

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  1. Adia's Avatar
    "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
    Follow that dream and take that risk. It is the only way to know what the end result will be, and if its results in a baby, it will be a girl!
    Thinking of you often!
    Hang in there.
  2. Pink rose 76's Avatar
    Bless you ocean. I know you do feel like you are on a roller coaster up and down with emotions. Some days I feel great and excited that I have a plan and ready to cycle again. But then as it approaches I think am I wasting time and money on a no hope situation?

    You are in a very good position though as you have your embryo and just that one tiny hurdle to go. I do think part of the battle is keeping positive. I really wish you so much luck with your fet x
  3. ocean's Avatar
    Adia - thank you, friend. I love that quote. And it fits how I feel so well. I put myself into this. I set sail. I'm now weathering the storm. Think of you often too, my heart sings with happiness that you're on your way to getting your dear boy in your arms.

    Pink rose - The possible spending of $$, high stress, emotion, for possibly no desired outcome…that's the tougher feeling, I agree. And I was reminding myself actually…how blessed I feel to even get the CHANCE to have the FET. And two, at that. When I was doing the 5d waits and then the testing wait, I had no idea what would happen - any normals? some? none of my DG? It was awful. I just wanted to get through the gate of possibility. I blogged about this….it was like having my nose pressed against the window and all these women with tickets were going in, and all I wanted was a chance to go through the doors.

    Thank you - you're right - this is that last hurdle. It's harder and sadder than I thought it would be. But if the one thing I need to do is keep positive than gosh darn it I'm going to put my energy to doing that!!
  4. oldmama14's Avatar
    I know how you feel. I really do. I wish I could add more, but I think you are very brave. One way or another you will get through it. "If it doesn't work" is a question for another day. Try to hold onto your sanity :) I know I found my second FET to be much harder than my first one, since the first one didn't work and it was my last embryo. All of the luck in the world to you.
  5. Beans626's Avatar
    I can understand the dread. I imagine feeling like that because if I feel too optimistic it will end badly and I will be hurt more. However, sheltering our feelings to prevent pain is no way to go through the process. You are strong, have done al the right things, and have (as OP's have said) this one small hurdle left. Don't think of it as ten more hurdles in this race. Just one last, small hurdle and the race is over. Then you can relax a bit, take a breather, and another very short race will begin after that with a few minor hurdles as you head into the home stretch where you hold your baby girl in your arms.

    If you try and fall, you are still among the stars. And we will all be here for you, cheering you on, and always hoping for the best outcome!
  6. ocean's Avatar
    Thank you so much oldmama and Beans, for supporting me, even and especially with everything you're going through.

    Beans - Like your analogy to the last small hurdle left. I'm in a weird state now where I'm just letting the days pass by and not really thinking about the transfer. It will be or it will not be. But there's absolutely no way to predict; the results on this site in the past month show that all too well. So am trying to just go with the flow and breathe in and out and let the days pass. I'm finding I'm much happier as a result, getting to just enjoy my life and kids….that alone is a good thing.