I've been going to a counselor/therapist on and off to deal with work stress and sadness among other things. Today we talked about my thoughts and reasons for having a daughter, and dug into how negative I feel about the likelihood of HT working.

I keep telling myself this is unlikely to work, a 20-30% chance, to protect myself. And today he commented that these are compensatory thoughts which are putting me in a dark place. It's a familiar and comforting habit. But it's making ...

My painful GD experiences include:

- A close relative telling me "We were all hoping you were going to have a girl" right after I happily announced to 20 family members that we were having a boy

- A friend who found out she was having a boy after having a girl, consulted with me. She said she was very upset. She thought I'd understand. (I have two boys but have NEVER breathed a word about GD to anyone IRL, including her) Which means she thought it publicly ...

It is both hard to read - and to not read - the posts on current cycles. I am at times obsessed with them, with this whole site, and it saps my energy. I keep checking this site again and again like it's my online home. It's a real part of my life, but a part that can only really exist online -- as only my DH knows we're trying HT.

The numbers and ratios really get me and play to my obsessive, numbers-oriented side. How many eggs did someone get, what day tested, how many blasts, ...

I had bought it online in an optimistic whim and was excited for its arrival. In hand, it wasn't as emotional as I expected. I felt a little silly, and it still represents what's off limits. But it's pretty. And maybe. Just MAYBE.

Holding the dress though I couldn't help thinking - this isn't going to work. I would fall over shocked if HT actually works for us.

I think in these blog posts I'm going to put my current thinking on likelihood of success. Today is 2.5/10. ...

The single biggest factor in my daily happiness/patience/self-esteem has been proven over and over again to be sleep. And yet here I am - woken by a child who wet through a pull-up, yes - but now half an hour into just wasteful time on GD sites. Anything new? Nope. Oh I don't have a picture posted in my profile? Check facebook to grab a pic. Realize someone I knew who had said 'Girls are the best!' when she had her daughter, has now had a 2nd daughter. Come ON universe, really?
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